Jokes: Let’s hear your funniest

[mugsgame]

Three elderly gentlemen were discussing their failing memories.

The first said, "Today I was at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember if I had just gone up or was about to go down."

The second said, "I was sitting on the edge of my bed and I couldn't remember if I was about to sleep or if I had just woken up."

The third man scoffed at the other two, saying, "My memory is as good as ever, knock on wood."

He hit the table twice with his knuckles, looked up in surprise, and yelled, "Who's there?"

 

[CX726577]

What did the janitor say when he came out of the closet?


"Supplies!"

 

[Shady_nz]

In a small village just outside Dublin, Big Paddy, the not-so-bright farmer’s boy, wanted to earn a bit of extra cash over the summer. So he decided to offer his services around the village as a “handy man.”

He knocked on the door of a fancy house and asked the owner,
“Any odd jobs needin’ doin’?”

The man thought for a moment and said,
“Well, I could use someone to paint the porch. How much would you charge?”

Paddy beamed. “How about £50?”

“Deal!” said the man. “The white gloss paint and brushes are in the garage.”

His wife, overhearing from the kitchen, whispered,
“That's a lot of work - does he realize the porch goes all the way around the house?”

The man shrugged. “Let’s not judge - it might teach the eejit a lesson.”

A few hours later, Paddy knocked on the door again.
“All done!” he said proudly. “And I even had enough paint left for two coats!”

The man, impressed, handed him £50 and threw in a £10 tip.

“Thanks very much!” said Paddy. “Oh - and by the way, it’s not a Porch... it’s a Mercedes.”

 

[peterherring425]

I threw a ball for my dog. Sure, it was a bit extravagant I know, but it was his birthday and he looks great in a dinner jacket.

 

[peterherring425]

Apparently, you can’t use “beef stew” as a password—it’s not stroganoff.

 

[Shady_nz]

Apparently, you can’t use “beef stew” as a password—it’s not stroganoff.

We need a 'groan ' reaction...

 

[mugsgame]

I remember watching this excellent porno back in 2012 so I tried to find it on the internet.

In hindsight, typing "13 year old porn" into Google probably wasn't my smartest idea...

 

[mugsgame]

My wife said she had the best sex of her life yesterday.

When I got home from work she told me all about it.

 

[peterherring425]

We need a 'groan ' reaction...

I thought about going on an all-almond diet that is just nuts.

 

[mugsgame]

“Somewhere along the way, ‘cocksucker’ came to mean bad man… it’s a good woman! How did they do that?”

* George Carlin, modern philosopher and student of language

 

[mugsgame]

Nicola’s wedding day was fast approaching, and nothing could dampen her excitement!

Nicola’s wedding day was fast approaching, and nothing could dampen her excitement — not even her parents’ unpleasant and acrimonious divorce.

Her mom had found the perfect dress and was sure she’d be the best-dressed mother of the bride ever!

But a week later, Nicola was horrified to learn that her father’s new young wife had bought the exact same dress!

Nicola politely asked the young wife to exchange it — but she dug in her heels and flatly refused.

“Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I’m wearing it!” she said smugly.

Nicola told her mother, who calmly and graciously replied, “Never mind, sweetheart. I’ll get another dress. After all, this is your special day.”

A few days later, while out shopping, they found another gorgeous dress.

At lunch, Nicola asked, “Mom, aren’t you going to return the other dress? I know how expensive it was. You’ll never have such a glamorous occasion to wear it!”

Her mother smiled and said, “Of course I do, dear. I’m wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.”

 

[mugsgame]

Political opinions are just like an asshole

Everyone has their own, so unless being asked, you don’t show it to everyone you meet just to prove you have one.

Otherwise people will just remember you as an asshole.

 

[000zing]

Amman walks into Abba...

 

[Shady_nz]

 

[mugsgame]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand...

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. "Now take off my socks."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

 

[mugsgame]

On a freezing cold winter morning, a blonde and her husband were having breakfast when the radio announcer said:

“We’re expecting 8 to 10 inches of snow today. Please move your car to the even-numbered side of the street so the snowplow can get through.”

Being the helpful wife she is, she bundled up and moved her car.

Next week, same scenario - radio says:

“10 to 12 inches of snow today. Please move your car to the odd-numbered side.”

Out she goes again, moving that car like a champ.

Week three:

They’re sipping coffee when the radio announcer begins, “We’re expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow and you must park…”

And POOF - the power goes out!

The blonde looks panicked and says, “Oh no! I don’t know which side to move the car to now!”

With the calm patience only a man married to a blonde could master, her husband lovingly says, “Sweetheart… why don’t you just leave the car in the garage this time?”

 

[mugsgame]

I was a northerner living down south and sitting at a bar when a weather news story came on the tv about Chicago expecting 10" of snow by the next morning. The weather man indicated that drivers should take this into account and get out of bed early to deal with the snow.

A nice gay man sitting at the end of the bar said if he woke up to 10" in the morning, he wouldn't even get out of bed.

 

[mugsgame]

I asked my wife if I was the only one that she's slept with.

She replied with: "Well, yes honey...

Everyone else always kept me awake all night!"

 

[mugsgame]

A man sitting at a bar after work shares with the bartender why he is looking so stressed.

"I’m not sleeping well. I have nightmares about a monster under my bed and I am too embarrassed to seek help."

A patron nearby overhears this and introduces himself.

"I overheard your story and I am a psychiatrist. Maybe I can help. The first thing is you recognize these are only dreams, and that is obvious so I should be able to help you in a few sessions. Here’s my card, give me a call."

A few weeks pass and the same two are once again at the bar after work. The psychiatrist says to the other guy, "Hi, how goes the nightmares? I never heard from you so I hope you are doing OK."

The other guy says, "Things are great, the bartender helped me."

The psychiatrist, curious, asked him, "The bartender helped you? You needed a trained professional to help you, what could a bartender do that a psychiatrist couldn’t?"

The other guy says, "He told me to saw the legs off my bed."

 

[Shady_nz]

While shopping in the grocery store, two nuns happened to walk past the beer cooler One said to the other, “Wouldn’t a nice cold beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?”
The second replied, “It would indeed, Sister… but I’d feel uncomfortable buying beer. I’m sure it would cause a scene at the checkout.”
The first nun smiled and said, “I can handle that.” She grabbed a six-pack and marched to the register.
The cashier looked stunned as the two nuns stepped up with the beer.
“We use it to wash our hair,” the nun said with a straight face. “It’s a sort of shampoo.”
Without missing a beat, the cashier reached under the counter, tossed in a pack of pretzel sticks, and said,
“The curlers are on the house.”

 

[Shady_nz]

Farmer Joe from Maple Creek stopped by Earl’s Garage to get his old truck fixed. They couldn’t do it right away, so he decided to walk home.
On the way, he popped into Hank’s Hardware and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. Then he stopped by Miller’s Feed & Grain and picked up two chickens and a goose.
Now loaded down with all this, Farmer Joe scratched his head wondering how he’d carry it all home.
Just then, sweet old Widow Martha from town came up and said she was lost.
“Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?” she asked.
“Well,” Joe said, “my farm’s real close to there. I’d walk you over, but as you can see, my hands are full.”
Martha suggested, “Put the paint in the bucket, carry that in one hand, tuck a chicken under each arm, and carry the goose in the other.”
“Why, thank you kindly!” Joe said, and off they went.
Halfway there, Joe said, “Let’s take a shortcut through this alley. We’ll be there quicker.”
Martha stopped and gave him a cautious look. “Now listen, Farmer Joe… I’m a lonely widow with no husband to protect me. How do I know you won’t push me against the wall, lift my skirt, and have your way with me?”
Joe nearly dropped his bucket laughing. “Lady, I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose! How in the world could I possibly do that?”
Without missing a beat, Martha winked and said,
“Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top, and I’ll hold the chickens.”