Jokes: Let’s hear your funniest

[mugsgame]

Three elderly gentlemen were discussing their failing memories.

The first said, "Today I was at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember if I had just gone up or was about to go down."

The second said, "I was sitting on the edge of my bed and I couldn't remember if I was about to sleep or if I had just woken up."

The third man scoffed at the other two, saying, "My memory is as good as ever, knock on wood."

He hit the table twice with his knuckles, looked up in surprise, and yelled, "Who's there?"

 

[CX726577]

What did the janitor say when he came out of the closet?


"Supplies!"

 

[Shady_nz]

In a small village just outside Dublin, Big Paddy, the not-so-bright farmer’s boy, wanted to earn a bit of extra cash over the summer. So he decided to offer his services around the village as a “handy man.”

He knocked on the door of a fancy house and asked the owner,
“Any odd jobs needin’ doin’?”

The man thought for a moment and said,
“Well, I could use someone to paint the porch. How much would you charge?”

Paddy beamed. “How about £50?”

“Deal!” said the man. “The white gloss paint and brushes are in the garage.”

His wife, overhearing from the kitchen, whispered,
“That's a lot of work - does he realize the porch goes all the way around the house?”

The man shrugged. “Let’s not judge - it might teach the eejit a lesson.”

A few hours later, Paddy knocked on the door again.
“All done!” he said proudly. “And I even had enough paint left for two coats!”

The man, impressed, handed him £50 and threw in a £10 tip.

“Thanks very much!” said Paddy. “Oh - and by the way, it’s not a Porch... it’s a Mercedes.”

 

[peterherring425]

I threw a ball for my dog. Sure, it was a bit extravagant I know, but it was his birthday and he looks great in a dinner jacket.

 

[peterherring425]

Apparently, you can’t use “beef stew” as a password—it’s not stroganoff.

 

[Shady_nz]

Apparently, you can’t use “beef stew” as a password—it’s not stroganoff.

We need a 'groan ' reaction...

 

[mugsgame]

I remember watching this excellent porno back in 2012 so I tried to find it on the internet.

In hindsight, typing "13 year old porn" into Google probably wasn't my smartest idea...

 

[mugsgame]

My wife said she had the best sex of her life yesterday.

When I got home from work she told me all about it.

 

[peterherring425]

We need a 'groan ' reaction...

I thought about going on an all-almond diet that is just nuts.

 

[mugsgame]

“Somewhere along the way, ‘cocksucker’ came to mean bad man… it’s a good woman! How did they do that?”

* George Carlin, modern philosopher and student of language

 

[mugsgame]

Nicola’s wedding day was fast approaching, and nothing could dampen her excitement!

Nicola’s wedding day was fast approaching, and nothing could dampen her excitement — not even her parents’ unpleasant and acrimonious divorce.

Her mom had found the perfect dress and was sure she’d be the best-dressed mother of the bride ever!

But a week later, Nicola was horrified to learn that her father’s new young wife had bought the exact same dress!

Nicola politely asked the young wife to exchange it — but she dug in her heels and flatly refused.

“Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I’m wearing it!” she said smugly.

Nicola told her mother, who calmly and graciously replied, “Never mind, sweetheart. I’ll get another dress. After all, this is your special day.”

A few days later, while out shopping, they found another gorgeous dress.

At lunch, Nicola asked, “Mom, aren’t you going to return the other dress? I know how expensive it was. You’ll never have such a glamorous occasion to wear it!”

Her mother smiled and said, “Of course I do, dear. I’m wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.”

 

[mugsgame]

Political opinions are just like an asshole

Everyone has their own, so unless being asked, you don’t show it to everyone you meet just to prove you have one.

Otherwise people will just remember you as an asshole.