Jokes -- just Jokes

[TheOlderGuy]

A woman was spending a long time looking at the greeting cards. A clerk approached and asked if he could help her.

"I don't know. What do you have in 'I'm sorry I laughed at your dick' cards?"

 

[Slick]

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says "My dog's cross-eyed, Is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well" says the vet "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, checks his teeth, etc.

Finally he says "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Just because he's cross-eyed???"

"No, because he's really, really heavy."

 

[TheOlderGuy]

John Ashcroft was meeting with a group of elementary school students. After speaking he asked if anyone had any questions.

Bobby said "I have three questions: How the hell did Bush become President when Al Gore had more votes? Are you using the Patriot Act to subvert our civil liberties? And why haven't you found Osama bin Laden yet?"

At that point the bell rang, signalling recess, and the teacher sent everyone outside. Upon returning after recess, Ashcroft said "Well, does anyone have any more questions?"

Sally responded "I have three questions: Is it really legal to held suspected terrorists without giving them access to their attorneys? Why did the recess bell go off ten minutes early? And where the hell is Bobby?"

 

[MagicFingers]

Met a woman in the gym

I kept calling her Dave.
She finally asked me why I was calling her Dave.
I said, "I'm calling you Dave ... Koz ... you're so Saxy!"

 

[TheOlderGuy]

so the sea cucumber
says to the mollusk,
"with fronds like these
who needs anemomes?"

 

[TheOlderGuy]

George Bush was awakened by an urgent call in the middle of the night from Dick Cheney. "Mr. President, I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that aliens have just landed on Earth."

"Holy shit!" Bush exclaimed, "What's the good news?"

Cheney replies "They eat Democrats and piss oil."

 

[eyesofthedragon]

What has 3 pubic hairs and 18 balls?
Michael Jackson's slumber party.

 

[TheOlderGuy]

So, this zebra escapes from the circus, and makes her way to a nearby farm, where she approaches a hen and asks her what she does there. "Why, I lay eggs that the farmer's family eats."

The zebra nods, and moves on to ask the same question of a cow, who responds with a lengthy explanation about providing milk for the family.

The zebra next encounters a bull, and when she asks him what his job is, he says "Take off those silly pajamas, and I'll show you."

 

[ezlay_2nite]

A woman enrolled in nursing school was attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day was involuntary muscles.

The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asked the woman "Do you know what your asshole does when you're having an orgasm?"


"Sure" she said. "He's at home, taking care of the kids."

 

[$RicH$MaN$]

lone ranger n tonto r ridin along when all of a sudden tonto says, "stop".

lone ranger conplies n tonto gets of his hourse n puts his ear 2 the ground. after a couple minutes he stands up and anounces, "buffalo come".

lone ranger is way impressed. he says, "U can tell by listening 2 the heard?"

tonto replies, "no. gound sticky!"

 

[TheOlderGuy]

A lobbyist on his way home from work in
Washington, DC, came to a dead halt in
traffic and thought to himself, "This
is much worse than usual."

When he spotted a police officer walking
between the lines of stopped cars, he
rolled down his window and asked, "Officer,
what's the hold-up?"

The patrolman replied, "The President felt so
depressed that he stopped his motorcade and is
threatening to douse himself with gasoline and
set himself on fire. He says no one believes his
version about why he went to war in Iraq, or
the connection between Saddam and al-Qaeda, or
that his tax cuts will help anyone except his
wealthy friends or that he's improving the
economy. So we're taking up a collection for him."

The lobbyist asked, "How much have you got so far?"

"About four gallons, but lots of folks are still siphoning.

 

[TheOlderGuy]

So, this guy calls up about a new weight loss program,
and it sounds pretty good, and he signs up.
They tell him to wear sneakers, and answer his door
the next day at 1 PM

Promptly at one o'clock there's a knock at his door,
and when he answers it, there stands a naked woman,
wearing just sneakers, and a sign around her neck,
that says, "Catch me and you can have your way with me."

She turns and runs, and he takes off after her.
after about forty five minutes he catches her,
has his way with her, and walks home exhausted.
This goes on for five days, and he's lost ten pounds,
just like the ad promised.

He calls the number again, and tells them he wants their 20# program.
"Are you sure, sir? It's pretty rigorous."
"No, no," he says, "I really want it."
"OK, tomorrow at one o'clock. Be ready."

Sure enough at one o'clock there's a knock at his door.
When he opens the door, there's a very large man standing there,
totally naked, wearing sneakers, with a sign around his neck,
"If I catch you, I'll have my way with you."

 

[Comshaw]

An obviously drunk old man staggers into a biker hangout, sits down at the bar and orders a
drink. Looking around he spies 3 bikers sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the
table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest one in the face and says, "I went by your grandma's
house today and saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is a fine looking woman!"
The biker looks at him, takes a swig of beer and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused,
because he is one bad biker and would usually fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans over the table again and says, "I got it on with your grandma and she is good,
the best I ever had!"
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad, but the biker still says nothing and they can't
understand what's happening.
The drunk leans over the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else boy, your
grandma liked it!"
At this point the biker stands up, grabs the drunk by the arm and starts to drag him toward the
door saying, "Damn it, Grandpa, you're drunk.......Go home!"

TADUM!
__________________________________________________________________

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds.
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.
"How long will this take?" she asks.
"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies. The wife stops.
"Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"
"Worked for your butt, didn't it?" He replied.
He lived, and with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again.

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I was 'flying' down the road yesterday (i.e. 20 mph over the limit,) I passed under a bridge only to find a policeman with a radar gun on the other side laying in wait.

He pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which I replied, "I'm late for work."

Oh yeah," said the policeman, "what do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.

The policeman stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 foot wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot ass hole?"

To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."


Traffic Ticket: $195.00
Court Costs: $45.00
The look on his face: Priceless

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One Mo'!

A newlywed couple entered their honeymoon suite. The young man had been told by his father to lay down the law about who was the boss as soon as he could after the marriage ceremony. With that in mind the young man pulled off his trousers and tossed them to his new bride.
"Here,"he said in an authoritive voice,"put these on."
His bride, with a puzzled look on her face, pulled on the trousers.

She stood holding the waist band, to keep the oversized pants from falling down and said,"I can't wear these, they're much too large."

"And you remember that!"Her new husband said,"Keep in mine who wears the pants in this family!"

The young mans bride thought for a minute, dropped his trousers to the floor, reached under her dress, pulled down and stepped out of the tiny pair of lace panties she had on.

She tossed them to her husband and said,"Here, you put these on."

Her young husband stood staring at the pair of tiny lace panties hanging from one of his fingers.

"I can't possibly get in to these!" He protested.

"That's right!" His new wife said,"And you're not going to until you change your attitude!"
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WHOOOWAAA!

Comshaw