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Iceprincess12
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If you got bored, text the message "I am pregnant" to a random mobile number.
JOKES, clean, dirty, slightly offensive...
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thebeesknees
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A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
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2 jokes told to me by 2 friends. I only take credit if they are funny!
Two blondes are looking intently at the ground. The first blonde says "those are bear tracks"
The second blonde shakes her head and says "no, those are deer tracks".
The first blonde says "no, those are definitely bear tracks"
They are both still staring when the train hits them.
A group of nuns walk past a construction site each day. The men are foul mouthed, not caring who hears them. One nun is finally fed up and goes to confront the worst offender.
"Sorry sister, what can I say? I call a spade a spade"
"No you don't. You call it a fucking shovel!"
Two blondes are looking intently at the ground. The first blonde says "those are bear tracks"
The second blonde shakes her head and says "no, those are deer tracks".
The first blonde says "no, those are definitely bear tracks"
They are both still staring when the train hits them.
A group of nuns walk past a construction site each day. The men are foul mouthed, not caring who hears them. One nun is finally fed up and goes to confront the worst offender.
"Sorry sister, what can I say? I call a spade a spade"
"No you don't. You call it a fucking shovel!"
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Iceprincess12
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These are old and I had forgotten about them. You've probably heard them before. I still laughed.
https://soundcloud.com/frenchieluv/2-jokes
https://soundcloud.com/frenchieluv/2-jokes
AbsintheFather
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An old man is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a woman with perfect breasts.
He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me BITE your breasts for $100?"
"Are you nuts?!" she replies, and keeps walking away.
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?" he asks again.
"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"
So the little old man runs around the next block and faces her again, "Would you let me bite your breasts - just once - for $10,000?!"
She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmmmm, $10,000... Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world.
As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them - but not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?'
"Nah," says the little old man... "Costs too much!"
He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me BITE your breasts for $100?"
"Are you nuts?!" she replies, and keeps walking away.
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?" he asks again.
"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"
So the little old man runs around the next block and faces her again, "Would you let me bite your breasts - just once - for $10,000?!"
She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmmmm, $10,000... Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world.
As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them - but not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?'
"Nah," says the little old man... "Costs too much!"
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wildchild24143
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I like that one
done_got_old
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*bump*
done_got_old
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*bump*
AbsintheFather
Passing some time
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AbsintheFather
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Here you go . . . .
A fellow went off on his honeymoon, and after returning meets up with a friend for a beer and conversation. The friend, being single and a pervert to boot, begins to inquire as to the festivities of the honeymoon. "So, Bob, big married man, did ya get any while you were out there?" the friend asks. Bob just shakes his head. "Ah, you know me. I like to fish. So I just fished." His friend gasps. "You mean you didn't have no sex? C'mon, Bob, tell me at least got a blowjob!" Bob again shakes his head. "Naw, she had pyorrhea, so I just fished. You know I like to fish." His friend replies, "Bob, she's your god damn wife! She's gotta give it up when you say! You should just made her do it!" Bob replies, "Nah, she had gonorrhea, and you know me. I like to fish, so I just fished." His friend, now quite upset, says, "What?! Why didn't ya just pork it up her ass?" "Well," says Bob, "she had diarrhea...and you know me, I like to fish. So I just fished." His friend, totally exasperated by this point, shouts at him, "Jesus! Why'd you marry this sick bitch anyway?!" Bob replies, "Well, she got worms, and you know how I like to fish..."
AbsintheFather
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And one more for good measure . . .
There was this geriatric woman who thought she needed some toughening to cope with today's world, and decided to join a gang. She rocked up to the Hell's Angels bikers club and tapped on the door. "Excuse me, sirs, I'd like to join your club if you please" she croaked in her feeble voice. A grunt came from inside, "Ha! You got no chance, woman. We only take the toughest into our club. You can only join if you drink!". "Oh boy, do I drink! I slam a few down every night after playing pool with the boys" she croaked back. "Oh, umm, well... you can only join if you smoke" he lied, trying to brush her off. "Does marijuana count? Coz I don't mind a few joints after playing pool with the boys". "Umm, I suppose it does count..." the biker said, and, thinking quick on his feet said "Look, we're a gang only for the roughest, toughest men in town. Now, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
"No," she replied, "but I've been swung around by the tits a few times".
thebeesknees
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Ha ha ha ...you know I'm right!!
You cant say happiness without saying......
PENIS!!
You cant say happiness without saying......
PENIS!!
thebeesknees
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Seems a lady went out to play a round of golf one day,
she got her score card and paid her greens fees and was off to play.
About a half hour later she was back at the club house,
the attendant asked why she was back so soon.
She replied I got stung by a bee! The attendant asked her where she was stung and she replied between hole #1 and hole #2.
The attendant said "well maybe you should keep your lags closer together!!!!
she got her score card and paid her greens fees and was off to play.
About a half hour later she was back at the club house,
the attendant asked why she was back so soon.
She replied I got stung by a bee! The attendant asked her where she was stung and she replied between hole #1 and hole #2.
The attendant said "well maybe you should keep your lags closer together!!!!
