JOKES, clean, dirty, slightly offensive...

[done_got_old]

I'm not the easiest guy in the world to get along with. So when our anniversary rolled around, I wanted my wife to know how much I appreciated her tolerating me for the past 20 years. I ordered flowers and told the florist to enclose a card that read, 'Thanks for putting up with me so long.'

When my wife got the delivery, she called me at work.

"Just where do you think you going?" she asked.

"What do you mean?" I said.

She read the card aloud as the florist had written it: "Thanks for putting up with me. So long."

 

[Jessica_29]

A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender, confused, tells the duck no. The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Got any grapes?"

Again, the bartender tells him, "No -- the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes and, furthermore, will never serve grapes." The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender yells, "Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ask for grapes again, I will nail your beak to the bar!"

The duck leaves.

The next day, the duck goes in and hesitantly asks, "ummm, gggot any nails?"

Confused, the bartender says no.

"Good!" says the duck. "Got any grapes?"

 

[Partyliner]

joke . . .haha

3 married guys are sitting in a bar , shootin the breeze . . .one guy asks, "what ya get the Mrs. for Christmas this year?" The guy to his left, replies, "i got her a diamond tennis bracelet, cost me $10 grand. What'd you get yours?" The guy replies, "i broke down and bought her the new Lexus SUV" They both turn to the third guy, and ask, so how bout you Bill, what did you get your wife this year? Bill replies, "I got her a t-shirt and a dildo." ...to which the one friend says, "c'mon, quit b.s.-ing us, what'd ya really get her?" Bill replies, "i wasn't kidding, I really did get her a t-shirt and a dildo...and I told her if she didn't like the t-shirt, she could go fuck herself!"

 

[done_got_old]

3 married guys are sitting in a bar , shootin the breeze . . .one guy asks, "what ya get the Mrs. for Christmas this year?" The guy to his left, replies, "i got her a diamond tennis bracelet, cost me $10 grand. What'd you get yours?" The guy replies, "i broke down and bought her the new Lexus SUV" They both turn to the third guy, and ask, so how bout you Bill, what did you get your wife this year? Bill replies, "I got her a t-shirt and a dildo." ...to which the one friend says, "c'mon, quit b.s.-ing us, what'd ya really get her?" Bill replies, "i wasn't kidding, I really did get her a t-shirt and a dildo...and I told her if she didn't like the t-shirt, she could go fuck herself!"

 

[done_got_old]

Which is worse...

Having your girlfriend find out you're married...

Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis...

Or finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring?

Can't-win-for-losing!

 

[SoulAssasin247]

The Day the Penis asked for a Raise

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor.

I work at great depths.

I plunge headfirst into everything I do.

I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

I work in a damp environment.

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.

My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,

P. Niss


The Response

Dear Penis:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.

You fall asleep after brief work periods.

You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.

You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.

You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the Correct protective clothing.

You will retire well before you are 65.

You are unable to work double shifts.

You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task..

And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,

V. Gina



TOO FUNNY NOT TO PASS IT ON ! HOPE IT MADE YOU LAUGH

 

[done_got_old]

The Day the Penis asked for a Raise

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor.

I work at great depths.

I plunge headfirst into everything I do.

I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

I work in a damp environment.

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.

My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,

P. Niss


The Response

Dear Penis:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.

You fall asleep after brief work periods.

You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.

You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.

You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the Correct protective clothing.

You will retire well before you are 65.

You are unable to work double shifts.

You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task..

And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,

V. Gina



TOO FUNNY NOT TO PASS IT ON ! HOPE IT MADE YOU LAUGH

Good one!

 

[Porkwarrior]

Three old Jewish guys are in line for a Tampa rest home early bird buffet.

First guy says - Oi vay my parents brought me over in the 30's, then I worked my whole life building up my tailor shop. And RIGHT when I'm ready to retire, *BAAM* it burns down. I didn't have anything left in my heart, so I took the insurance check and retired in Florida.

Second guy says - MY parents came over in the 20's, and we sweated in a dry cleaners for 60yrs, before a fire ATE the whole building we had worked & lived in.

Third Guy says - My parents started the first Ford dealership in the county, we built it up until we had a chain we could leave to our kids. Then a flood came and wiped us out, just took EVERYTHING away.

First Guy leans in and asks the Third Guy - So just between us, how do you start a flood?

 

[done_got_old]

Three old Jewish guys are in line for a Tampa rest home early bird buffet.

First guy says - Oi vay my parents brought me over in the 30's, then I worked my whole life building up my tailor shop. And RIGHT when I'm ready to retire, *BAAM* it burns down. I didn't have anything left in my heart, so I took the insurance check and retired in Florida.

Second guy says - MY parents came over in the 20's, and we sweated in a dry cleaners for 60yrs, before a fire ATE the whole building we had worked & lived in.

Third Guy says - My parents started the first Ford dealership in the county, we built it up until we had a chain we could leave to our kids. Then a flood came and wiped us out, just took EVERYTHING away.

First Guy leans in and asks the Third Guy - So just between us, how do you start a flood?

I didn't see that coming.

 

[Aussie_Wolf]

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?”

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.”

The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”

“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

 

[done_got_old]

In the British documentary 56 Up, a man shared that he had earned a law degree at Oxford. Then, in his thick English accent, he proudly proclaimed that he was now a "barrister."

My 13-year-old daughter wasn't impressed. "So," she said, "he spent all that effort getting an Oxford law degree, and now he works at Starbucks?"

 

[done_got_old]

http://features.aol.com/video/little-boy-makes-priceless-move-during-baptism

 

[Jessica_29]

 

[done_got_old]

rotflol

 

[done_got_old]

A student asked his English professor, "What is the definition of a dilemma?"

The professor said, "Well, there's nothing better than an example to illustrate that.

"Imagine that you are lying naked in a big bed, flat on your back with a beautiful naked young woman on one side, and a horny naked gay man on the other.

"Now, which one are you going to turn your back on?"

 

[done_got_old]

A prospective juror in a Dallas District Court was surprised by the definition of voluntary manslaughter given the panel: "An intentional killing that occurs while the defendant is under the immediate influence of sudden passion arising from an adequate cause, such as when a spouse's mate is found in a 'compromising position.'"

"See, I have a problem with that passion business," responded the jury candidate. "During my first marriage, I came in and found my husband in bed with my neighbor. All I did was divorce him. I had no idea that I could have shot him." She wasn't selected for the jury.

 

[Iceprincess12]

“A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.
He shouted at her, "You aren't so good in bed either!" then stormed off to work.

By mid-morning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home.

"What took you so long to answer?" he asked.

"I was in bed," she replied.

"What were you doing in bed this late?"

"Getting a second opinion.”

 

[done_got_old]

“A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.
He shouted at her, "You aren't so good in bed either!" then stormed off to work.

By mid-morning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home.

"What took you so long to answer?" he asked.

"I was in bed," she replied.

"What were you doing in bed this late?"

"Getting a second opinion.”

rotflol

 

[Iceprincess12]

~A guy called into work and says, “Hey, boss! What’s the difference between work and your daughter?” … “I’m not coming into work this morning!”

~What’s the difference between a British man and his girlfriend? His girlfriend has a higher sperm count.

~How do you really piss off your girlfriend while having sex? Call her on the phone.

~Why did Raggedy Ann get kicked out of the toy box? She sat on Pinocchio’ s face and said “lie to me!”

~How many women does it take to change a light bulb? 11, 10 to form a committee and 1 to get her boyfriend to do it.

~How many divorced Men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Who knows; they never get the house.

~What’s the best thing about a blow job? Ten minutes silence.

 

[done_got_old]

Thursday night I gradually woke up stiff as a board in some hospital's ICU, tubes up my nose and down my throat, wires monitoring every function and all around my head, hell of a pain over my left ear, and a gorgeous nurse hovering over me.

It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident.

She looked at me steady and I heard her slowly say, 'I want to let you know right up front, you...you may not feel anything from the waist down.'

I managed to mumble in reply, 'Can I feel your tits, then?'

 

[kcRollins]

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?”

“Eight”, the boy replied.

The man continued, “Do you know what these are used for?”

The boy replied, “Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."

"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.

"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of that.”

 

[done_got_old]

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?”

“Eight”, the boy replied.

The man continued, “Do you know what these are used for?”

The boy replied, “Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."

"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.

"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of that.”

 

[done_got_old]

The difference between 'Men' and 'Guys'

Men: know what they want to be doing five years down the road.
Guys: are not sure what they want to be doing later tonight.

Men: read Crichton, watch Rather, play golf.
Guys: read King, watch Seinfeld, play poker.

Men: wear ties with stripes, shirts with buttons, and shoes with laces.
Guys: wear high school T-shirts they've actually owned since high school.

Men: balance their checkbooks.
Guys: balance their loans so that they never hit up the same buddy twice in a row.

Men: claim to be feminist but still insist on opening doors, driving, and paying for dinner.
Guys: claim to be feminists so they can let YOU open doors, drive, and pay for dinner.

Men: are afraid of becoming their fathers.
Guys: are afraid of becoming men.

Men: put you on the phone when their mothers call.
Guys: pretend you're not there when their moms call.

Men: start their own businesses.
Guys: quit their jobs.

Men: are experts on women's erogenous zones.
Guys: are experts on their own erogenous zone.

Men: order wine based on more than the price.
Guys: bring their own beer.

 

[done_got_old]

Quite offensive



A 13 year-old boy comes home from school and his mom asks how his day was. He replies, "I had sex with my teacher today."

"Oh my god! You get to your room! Wait till your father comes home!" says the mom.

A while later the father comes home and the mom says, "Go up to your son's room and talk to him. He's been really bad today."

Dad goes up to the son's room and asks why mom is so mad. "I told her I had sex with my teacher today," replied the boy.

"Alright! That's my boy!", says dad. "Ya know son, women just don't think like men. But I'm proud of you. What are you now, about thirteen, right? Wow. That's my boy! Ya know what? I'm so proud of you I'm gonna take you out and buy you that new shiny bike you've been wanting!"

So the dad and his son go out and buy the nicest, reddest, shiniest bike in the whole town. "You gonna ride it home son?" asks dad.

The boy replied, "Nah, my ass is still sore."

 

[done_got_old]

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order."

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

"Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini."

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. "I've been diagnosed with AIDS."

The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, "Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?"

"Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone."