JOKES, clean, dirty, slightly offensive...

[Iceprincess12]

A rich man and a poor man are both buying anniversary gifts for their girlfriends. "What are you getting your girlfriend?" asks the poor man.

And the rich man says "I'm getting her a diamond ring and a Mercedes."

"Why both?" asks the poor man.

And the rich man says "That way if she doesn't like the ring she can still enjoy the Mercedes when she returns the ring."

And then the rich man asks the poor man "What are you getting your girlfriend?"

And the poor man says "I'm buying her a pair of slippers and a dildo. That way if she doesn't like the slippers she can go fuck herself."

 

[thebeesknees]

group sex is called a "moresome"

3 people having sex is a "threesome"

2 people having sex is a "twosome"

1 person having sex is a "handsome"

 

[Iceprincess12]

http://visionity.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/05/How-many-people-have-you-slept-with-dirty-joke.jpg

 

[thebeesknees]

Did you know that New Jersey has more toxic waste sites than new York but New York has more lawyers than New Jersey.


Why is that??


New Jersey had first choice!!

 

[Iceprincess12]

What is a Yankee?

The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.


What do you call a smart blonde?


A golden retriever

 

[ga400us]

SOOOOOOO FUNNNNNY

https://youtu.be/tjJc8xLYhak

Love Mrs. Browns boys! Check the bikini wax episode, too!

 

[sunshinegirl05]

Where do sick boats go?




The dock.

 

[Stryderthorongil]

Where do sick boats go?




The dock.

Awwww. How cute.

Hi sunshine

 

[done_got_old]

In the bar the other day I was telling that old joke about what do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bathtub. The answer, of course, being...throw in your wash.

We were all having a good laugh about this when this big bastard tapped me on the shoulder and said, "I don't find that very funny. My brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath during one of his fits."

I said, "I Sorry, buddy. Did he drown?"

"No," he replied, "He choked on a sock."

 

[greeneyedvirgin]

How do you seat four gay guys in a packed bar?



Turn the last bar stool over.

 

[Iceprincess12]

This was sent to me so I can't take any credit

"A blond goes to the hardware store with her dad to buy some tools and about an hour later the girl calls her mom crying that she was arrested.

Her mom says "Buffy what did you do to get arrested?"
Buffy says "I punched a African American girl and they arrested me."
"Why would you do something like that honey?"
"Because dad told me to go in the next isle and find black and decker!"

 

[Iceprincess12]

Geeky chemistry one liners


Q: What element is derived from a Norse god?
A: Thorium.

Q: What do you do with a dead chemists?
A: Barium

Q: Anyone know any jokes about sodium?
A: Na

Did you hear oxygen and magnesium got together?
OMg!

 

[Aliceinchains36]

Two cannibals are eating a clown. The first one turns to the second and asks: "Does this taste funny to you?"

 

[Iceprincess12]

Q: How do you get a blonde off of her knees?
A: Cum.

Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run like hell, she has a grenade in her hand.

 

[done_got_old]

"The CEO of Wendy's says the election is hurting the chain's burger sales - people are spending less because they are worried about the future. Let's be honest, if you're eating a Wendy's Baconator, you're probably not too concerned about the future." -Jimmy Fallon

 

[DarkSimian]

It's the first day of Shop Class, and the teacher notices he has one blonde student. He starts asking each student questions, to gauge their experience level with tools, and when he gets the blonde, he decides to ask her an easy question. "What's the difference between a screw, a nail, and a bolt?" he asks her. The blonde thinks and thinks, and finally shrugs her shoulders. "I don't know; I've never been bolted."

 

[phil_o]

what

Whats the difference between a hippo and a zippo......


one weighs about a ton the other is a little lighter

 

[ga400us]

"The CEO of Wendy's says the election is hurting the chain's burger sales - people are spending less because they are worried about the future. Let's be honest, if you're eating a Wendy's Baconator, you're probably not too concerned about the future." -Jimmy Fallon

Good one!

 

[ga400us]

Whats the difference between a hippo and a zippo......


one weighs about a ton the other is a little lighter

Punny!

 

[Iceprincess12]

TOP TEN SCARIEST PEOPLE ON EARTH

10. Prune-eating Sumo wrestler.
9. High-rise window cleaner with bladder problem.
8. Near sighted knife juggler.
7. Megalomaniac Third World Dictator.
6. Grown men named "Biff."
5. Heavily armed hot dog vendors.
4. Carsick brother in the seat next to you.
3. Brain surgeon with hiccups.
2. Anyone with a cranky disposition and a chainsaw.
1. People who offer you rugs.

PARTNERSHIP FOR A DRUG-FREE AMERICA

The misprint was rectified in the next day's paper.

 

[done_got_old]

I was scheduled to fly from North Carolina to Germany, where my husband was stationed in the military.

As I checked in at the airport, the ticket agent asked me some standard security questions.

"Has anyone given you any packages that you didn't pack yourself?" he asked.

I told him that my mother-in-law had given me a parcel to take to her son. He looked at me very carefully and asked, "Does she like you?"

 

[Iceprincess12]

~Crowded elevators have a different smell to children and midgets.

~Arguing with men is fun, even if they win... they still lose

~Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t, they’d be married too.

~I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That’s 7 years in a row now.

 

[done_got_old]

A man told a woman, "I would tell you a joke about my cock, but it's too long."

The woman tells him, "I would tell you a joke about my pussy, but you will never get it."

 

[Iceprincess12]

https://encrypted-tbn2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQ5LRLvly9XfGNdB500EwqReQBftYCOfmh5GzBquYsFcoC7RMRD

 

[done_got_old]

The Wolf Man comes home one evening from a long day at the office. "How was work today, dear?" his wife asks.

"Honey, please! I don't want to talk about work right now!" he shouts.

"Okay. Would you like me to fix you something to eat? Or how about a drink?" she asks oh so nicely.

"Listen," he shouts again, "I'm not hungry, I'm not thirsty! Is that alright with you? Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? huh?"

At that very moment, the wolf man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage. Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself, "Well, I guess it's that time of the month."