Good one!I like it!
JOKES, clean, dirty, slightly offensive...
- Thread starter jacktar48
- Start date
DropBear91
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So a woman who was paralyzed from the neck down was taken to a beach by her family, they put her in a nice one piece suit but seeing all the hot males walking by she started crying. One of the men stopped and asked her what was wrong. She responded with "I'm miserable, no one wants to fuck me, I JUST WANT TO GET FUCKED" the man thinks for a second and says "Ok miss, i'll fuck you" He then reaches down and picks her up and whispers "i'm going to fuck you so hard", the lady can't help but sigh and anticipate the great fucking she's about to be in for. The man proceeds to walk into the ocean, and throws her into the waves, he yells "NOW YOU'RE FUCKED SUPER HARD".
llidar
LOV'N THE LACE
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Someone sent this to me recently...
Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this attractive girl in his office… but she was dating someone else.
One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, “I’ll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you.”
The girl looked at him and then said, “NO!”
Eddie said, “I’ll be real fast. I’ll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I’ll finish by the time you’ve picked it up.”
She thought for a moment and said that she would consult her boyfriend. So she called him and explained the situation.
Her boyfriend said, “Ask him for $200 and pick the money up really fast. He won’t even be able to get his pants down.”
She agreed and accepts the proposal.
Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend’s call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks, “What took you so long?”
Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, “The bastard had all quarters!”
Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this attractive girl in his office… but she was dating someone else.
One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, “I’ll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you.”
The girl looked at him and then said, “NO!”
Eddie said, “I’ll be real fast. I’ll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I’ll finish by the time you’ve picked it up.”
She thought for a moment and said that she would consult her boyfriend. So she called him and explained the situation.
Her boyfriend said, “Ask him for $200 and pick the money up really fast. He won’t even be able to get his pants down.”
She agreed and accepts the proposal.
Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend’s call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks, “What took you so long?”
Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, “The bastard had all quarters!”
thebeesknees
Literotica Guru
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JOKES, clean, dirty, slightly offensive...
Hillary Dillary Clinton
and Bernie is there too
they have some thing in mind
involving your behind
get ready to receive your screw
Hillary Dillary Clinton
and Bernie is there too
they have some thing in mind
involving your behind
get ready to receive your screw
thebeesknees
Literotica Guru
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Soooo....
A Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event. A woman approached him saying, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?" ... "Negative, ma’am," the Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature." "The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." ... The Sergeant Major’s short reply was, "Yes, ma’am, a lot of action." The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself." The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?" The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955." She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!" ... She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times ... Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn’t forget much since 1955!" ... The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it’s only 2130 now."
A Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event. A woman approached him saying, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?" ... "Negative, ma’am," the Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature." "The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." ... The Sergeant Major’s short reply was, "Yes, ma’am, a lot of action." The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself." The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?" The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955." She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!" ... She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times ... Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn’t forget much since 1955!" ... The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it’s only 2130 now."
thebeesknees
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I feel like I half way own this thread! Are there no literoticans out there who hear jokes or is not something that comes to mind when you are on this site to repeat jokes? I guess maybe it would be like posting a picture of your "privates" on a web site that was mostly devoted to joke telling and humor.....although some of the pics I have seen on here of folks "privates" are a big joke! 
thebeesknees
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I can't help myself.......
If Sonny Bono would have married Yoko Ono her name would be......
wait for it..........
Yoko Ono Bono!
Now that is funny.......
If Sonny Bono would have married Yoko Ono her name would be......
wait for it..........
Yoko Ono Bono!
Now that is funny.......
DarkSimian
RONIN
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How do you make holy water? You take regular water, and you boil the hell out of it.
I
Iceprincess12
Guest
I was going to tell you a bdsm joke, but I thought I'd show some restraint.
UrbanBohemian
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A sailor on shore leave has been stuck on a ship full of men for some time now and starts looking for a brothel. He doesn't have much cash so he goes to the local red light district and finally finds a place that might be able to accommodate him. So he tells the madam he's only got two days shore leave and he's going to do another long tour after this but he only has 10 bucks.
The madam tells him to get the hell out of there. Ten bucks? Come on! But he begs and pleads and tells her his tale of woe so finally she takes pity on the poor soul and says "*sigh...* Okay. Ten bucks. Fine. Go upstairs and take the first door on the right."
So he gives her the ten spot and goes upstairs to the room she told him to go to and a half hour later he storms down the stairs. He's furious. He tells the madam "That was the worst sex I've ever had! That was terrible! What kind of establishment are you running here?!"
The madam says "Hey buddy, what do you expect for ten bucks? Lobster?"
The madam tells him to get the hell out of there. Ten bucks? Come on! But he begs and pleads and tells her his tale of woe so finally she takes pity on the poor soul and says "*sigh...* Okay. Ten bucks. Fine. Go upstairs and take the first door on the right."
So he gives her the ten spot and goes upstairs to the room she told him to go to and a half hour later he storms down the stairs. He's furious. He tells the madam "That was the worst sex I've ever had! That was terrible! What kind of establishment are you running here?!"
The madam says "Hey buddy, what do you expect for ten bucks? Lobster?"
I
Iceprincess12
Guest
It's not often you have a picture of the exact moment you started needing therapy
https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/0d/1c/cd/0d1ccd58399a5c3d2488da268f41c679.jpg
https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/0d/1c/cd/0d1ccd58399a5c3d2488da268f41c679.jpg
thebeesknees
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Laugh my ass off I love that picture!!!
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.
'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender.
'Michael O'Connor and me had a fight,' says Paddy.
'That little O'Connor,' says Sean, 'He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.'
'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.'
'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?'
That I did,' said Paddy, 'Mrs. O'Connor's breast, and a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight.'
'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender.
'Michael O'Connor and me had a fight,' says Paddy.
'That little O'Connor,' says Sean, 'He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.'
'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.'
'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?'
That I did,' said Paddy, 'Mrs. O'Connor's breast, and a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight.'
emmy_christina
^^^Just Emm
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emmy_christina
^^^Just Emm
- Joined
- Oct 24, 2007
- Posts
- 35,742
Q: What kind of bees make milk instead of honey?
A: Boo-bees
********************************
This young fellow is about to be married, and is asking his grandfather about sex. He asks how often you should have it. His grandfather tells him, "When you first get married, you want it all the time, and maybe you'll do it several times a day. Later on, sex tapers off, and you have it once a week or so. Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year, like maybe on your anniversary." The young fellow then asks his grandfather, "Well how about you and grandma now?" His grandfather replies, "Oh, we just have oral sex now." "What's oral sex?" The young fellow asks. "Well, she goes to bed in her bedroom, and I go to bed in my bedroom. She yells, 'Screw you,' and I holler back, 'Screw you too!'"
************************************
A man is like a snowstorm. You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it will last.
*************************************
Q: What's the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers?
A: One is a Goodyear and the other is a great year.
**************************************
Worried about their less than exciting sex life, a young wife sends her husband to a therapist who winds up treating him with self-hypnosis. To her joy, everything gets much better. However, she can't help but notice that each night, just before their lovemaking, the husband dashes out to the bathroom for several minutes. This torments her until finally, one night, she follows him. There, in front of the mirror, she finds him applying this therapeutic technique, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife.”
****************************************
What's the difference between sin and shame? It's a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.
***********************************
Q: What do a dildo and soy beans have in common?
A: They are both used as a meat substitute.
*********************************
Q: What do KFC and pussy have in common?
A: Both are finger lickin' good and after you are done eating you have a box to put the bone in.
**********************************
A: Boo-bees
********************************
This young fellow is about to be married, and is asking his grandfather about sex. He asks how often you should have it. His grandfather tells him, "When you first get married, you want it all the time, and maybe you'll do it several times a day. Later on, sex tapers off, and you have it once a week or so. Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year, like maybe on your anniversary." The young fellow then asks his grandfather, "Well how about you and grandma now?" His grandfather replies, "Oh, we just have oral sex now." "What's oral sex?" The young fellow asks. "Well, she goes to bed in her bedroom, and I go to bed in my bedroom. She yells, 'Screw you,' and I holler back, 'Screw you too!'"
************************************
A man is like a snowstorm. You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it will last.
*************************************
Q: What's the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers?
A: One is a Goodyear and the other is a great year.
**************************************
Worried about their less than exciting sex life, a young wife sends her husband to a therapist who winds up treating him with self-hypnosis. To her joy, everything gets much better. However, she can't help but notice that each night, just before their lovemaking, the husband dashes out to the bathroom for several minutes. This torments her until finally, one night, she follows him. There, in front of the mirror, she finds him applying this therapeutic technique, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife.”
****************************************
What's the difference between sin and shame? It's a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.
***********************************
Q: What do a dildo and soy beans have in common?
A: They are both used as a meat substitute.
*********************************
Q: What do KFC and pussy have in common?
A: Both are finger lickin' good and after you are done eating you have a box to put the bone in.
**********************************
emmy_christina
^^^Just Emm
- Joined
- Oct 24, 2007
- Posts
- 35,742
HE SAID ... SHE SAID
He said... Want a quickie?
She said... As opposed to what?
He said... I don't know why you wear a bra - you've got nothing to put in it.
She said... You wear briefs, don't you?
He said... Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
She said... Not at all honey, I'd love you no matter who left you the money.
She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said... It's not my fault - I ran out of money.
He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said... Well, you succeeded.
He said... If you only could learn to make me a proper meal, then we could manage without the cook. And if you cleaned the house, we could fire the maid as well.
She said... Darling, if you only could learn to satisfy me properly we could do without the gardener too.
He said... Two inches more, and I would be king.
She said... Two inches less, and you'd be a queen.
On wall in ladies room: 'My husband follows me everywhere'
Written just below it: 'I do not'
He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said... Turn sideways and look in the mirror.
He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said... Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said... I would, but you're never there.
He said... Every time women look at me, they can't help thinking of sex.
She said... Yeah, 'cause you look like a prick.
He said... Shall we try a different position tonight?
She said... That's a good idea.... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.
He said... Want a quickie?
She said... As opposed to what?
He said... I don't know why you wear a bra - you've got nothing to put in it.
She said... You wear briefs, don't you?
He said... Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
She said... Not at all honey, I'd love you no matter who left you the money.
She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said... It's not my fault - I ran out of money.
He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said... Well, you succeeded.
He said... If you only could learn to make me a proper meal, then we could manage without the cook. And if you cleaned the house, we could fire the maid as well.
She said... Darling, if you only could learn to satisfy me properly we could do without the gardener too.
He said... Two inches more, and I would be king.
She said... Two inches less, and you'd be a queen.
On wall in ladies room: 'My husband follows me everywhere'
Written just below it: 'I do not'
He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said... Turn sideways and look in the mirror.
He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said... Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said... I would, but you're never there.
He said... Every time women look at me, they can't help thinking of sex.
She said... Yeah, 'cause you look like a prick.
He said... Shall we try a different position tonight?
She said... That's a good idea.... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.
emmy_christina
^^^Just Emm
- Joined
- Oct 24, 2007
- Posts
- 35,742
Tips on how to mastrubate
If you're a girl
1) Get something small if it's your first time, like a lip gloss container. Make sure it's got a rounded tip.
2) Put a little water on it.
3) Get yourself on the ground or your bed. Make sure you're comfortable.
4) Put your feet up on somthing. Make sure they are higher than your head. Spread your legs.
5) For the ultimate experience, relax first. Just lay there. Think about nothing. And DONT BE NERVOUS.
6) Slowly begin to touch your breasts. Feel them (have your eyes closed or open but if they are open make sure you're not focusing on anything)
7) Keep one hand on your breast and slowly move the other one down to your thigh. (I did not have underwear but I was wearing pants and a shirt, loose pants.) Move your hand up and down your thigh while massaging your breast.
8) With your breast hand, slowly take the lip gloss container or your object of choice. Your clit might start to get a weird feeling like you really want to touch it. DON'T.
9) Tease yourself with the object by gently rubbing the spot between your poophole and vagina. This will drive you nuts. Slowly begin to touch and massage the part right above the hole. (I suggest you know where it is before you start all this.)
10) Rub for a while. Gently, occasionally harder but not too hard yet.
11) At this point you should be aching to rub harder and just get going. Again, don't. If you do not feel this yet, continue the teasing, very gently.
12) Slowly move your fingers to the hole, don't put them in, but just finger it softly.
13) Take your object and place it near the hole and your other hand. Take your free hand off the hole and start to massage your clit harder. (That's the spot above the hole)
14) Slowly stick the object in. Gently, it shouldn't feel good yet. It might hurt a small amount going in. That means you've bumped a sensitive spot. That's not a bad thing, just angle it a little and keep going.
15) Once it's in as far as it can be without losing it to your pussy, begin slowly moving it in and out a little. Don't take it all the way out, just a little. Get faster, and faster. Start massaging your clit HARD. Go nuts. You might feel like your on the brink of an orgasm. You might have one. This feels very good.
16) Then stick it in all the way and start pushing it back and forth hitting the sides of your hole. Faster, faster. Massage clit again.
17) Repeat steps 15 and 16 as much as you want. If you take it out for longer than 30 seconds, I suggest you excite yourself again with the teasing. If you do, it will be worse. Since you have already done it, you're going to want it worse.
18) I would stop with the lip gloss for now, don't go on to something bigger. Save that for another night. You could be sore after this but you shouldn't be unless you used something large.
If you're a boy
1)Read this.
2)Rub penis.
If you're a girl
1) Get something small if it's your first time, like a lip gloss container. Make sure it's got a rounded tip.
2) Put a little water on it.
3) Get yourself on the ground or your bed. Make sure you're comfortable.
4) Put your feet up on somthing. Make sure they are higher than your head. Spread your legs.
5) For the ultimate experience, relax first. Just lay there. Think about nothing. And DONT BE NERVOUS.
6) Slowly begin to touch your breasts. Feel them (have your eyes closed or open but if they are open make sure you're not focusing on anything)
7) Keep one hand on your breast and slowly move the other one down to your thigh. (I did not have underwear but I was wearing pants and a shirt, loose pants.) Move your hand up and down your thigh while massaging your breast.
8) With your breast hand, slowly take the lip gloss container or your object of choice. Your clit might start to get a weird feeling like you really want to touch it. DON'T.
9) Tease yourself with the object by gently rubbing the spot between your poophole and vagina. This will drive you nuts. Slowly begin to touch and massage the part right above the hole. (I suggest you know where it is before you start all this.)
10) Rub for a while. Gently, occasionally harder but not too hard yet.
11) At this point you should be aching to rub harder and just get going. Again, don't. If you do not feel this yet, continue the teasing, very gently.
12) Slowly move your fingers to the hole, don't put them in, but just finger it softly.
13) Take your object and place it near the hole and your other hand. Take your free hand off the hole and start to massage your clit harder. (That's the spot above the hole)
14) Slowly stick the object in. Gently, it shouldn't feel good yet. It might hurt a small amount going in. That means you've bumped a sensitive spot. That's not a bad thing, just angle it a little and keep going.
15) Once it's in as far as it can be without losing it to your pussy, begin slowly moving it in and out a little. Don't take it all the way out, just a little. Get faster, and faster. Start massaging your clit HARD. Go nuts. You might feel like your on the brink of an orgasm. You might have one. This feels very good.
16) Then stick it in all the way and start pushing it back and forth hitting the sides of your hole. Faster, faster. Massage clit again.
17) Repeat steps 15 and 16 as much as you want. If you take it out for longer than 30 seconds, I suggest you excite yourself again with the teasing. If you do, it will be worse. Since you have already done it, you're going to want it worse.
18) I would stop with the lip gloss for now, don't go on to something bigger. Save that for another night. You could be sore after this but you shouldn't be unless you used something large.
If you're a boy
1)Read this.
2)Rub penis.
EroticRomanticMan
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Feb 2, 2003
- Posts
- 9,791
This is for Emmy
Q: What do toys and boobs have in common?
A: They were both originally made for kids, but dad ends up playing with them!
Q: What do toys and boobs have in common?
A: They were both originally made for kids, but dad ends up playing with them!
Murphy told Quinn that his wife drives him to drink. Quinn thinks he is a very lucky man because his own wife makes him walk.
My mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life and then once week people come in to tell you the highlights and details of theirs?
My mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life and then once week people come in to tell you the highlights and details of theirs?
emmy_christina
^^^Just Emm
- Joined
- Oct 24, 2007
- Posts
- 35,742
A lawyer joke
Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, "Listen up, Buddy. I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean . . . it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it."
Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, "'No kidding. I'm a lawyer, too. What firm are you with?"
Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, "Listen up, Buddy. I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean . . . it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it."
Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, "'No kidding. I'm a lawyer, too. What firm are you with?"
greeneyedvirgin
Just Fork Me!
- Joined
- Feb 9, 2013
- Posts
- 12,263
What's the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
One says ribbit-ribbit and the other one says rubit-rubit.
One says ribbit-ribbit and the other one says rubit-rubit.
"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."
--Steve Martin
"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner,
you'd better have a good hand."
--Woody Allen
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal,
particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
--Lynn Lavner
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
--Camille Paglia
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are
unimportant."
--George Burns
--Steve Martin
"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner,
you'd better have a good hand."
--Woody Allen
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal,
particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
--Lynn Lavner
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
--Camille Paglia
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are
unimportant."
--George Burns
