JOKES, clean, dirty, slightly offensive...

[jacktar48]

I can't believe there is no joke thread...if there is, please tell me.

I'll start.

An Engineering student at MIT came panting into his third-floor dorm room lugging an expensive racing bicycle. His roommate looked up and said, "Where the hell did you get the fancy bike, Leonard? You know you can't afford shit like that."

"You won't believe this! I was walking down that isolated bike path through the woods, and this hot blonde came wheeling up from the other direction, slammed on the brakes, dropped the bike right in front of me...she started ripping her clothes off and screaming, 'Take anything you want!'"

"Holy shit! So what did you do?"

"I didn't have time to think, so I just grabbed the bike and took off before she could change her mind."

"I'm proud of you, dude. That was really quick thinking...because, you know, her clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

 

[Mrtenant]

I got a sweater for my birthday.

What I really wanted was a screamer or a moaner!

 

[jacktar48]

I got a sweater for my birthday.

What I really wanted was a screamer or a moaner!

Good one! Surprise ending in two lines!

 

[Kat73]

What's red with seven dents?
Snow White's cherry.

What did the dwarfs say when the prince woke Snow White?
Guess it's back to jerking off.

 

[poppadog]

A priest is walking down the road when he spots a sweet little girl playing with a teenie tiny dog. They look so cute together and he feels compelled to approach them.

"Hi he says you are a sweet little girl what is your name?" The little girl looks at him and says "My name is Marcy".

He says "That's a lovely name and you have a sweet little doggie what is he called??"

"His name is Porky" says the little girl.

"Oh! Porky? That's an unusual name for a little dog. Why do you call him Porky?" asks the priest.

"Because he fucks pigs" the little girl replies.

(Now - don't ask me why this makes me laugh but it does!)

 

[jacktar48]

What's red with seven dents?
Snow White's cherry.

What did the dwarfs say when the prince woke Snow White?
Guess it's back to jerking off.

Oh God. That's rude. LOL

An sociologist heard about some old guy way up in the North Dakota who was rumored to be well over a hundred years old, so he trekked in to the Lakota Nation to interview him.

After they talked for a while, he decided he would give the old man a treat and take him out for dinner, so he drove to the nearest town and showed him into a restaurant.

They sat down and were given menus, but the old man didn't read well, nor did he speak much English, so the sociologist started making some suggestions.

"How about a nice steak?"

"Buffalo?"

"Uh, no...it would be beef."

"We never eat the white man's flabby cow meat."

"OK, then, how about the chicken?"

"Prairie chicken?"

"No...that would be domestic chicken."

"We never eat the white man's tasteless chickens."

The sociologist is stumped, then decides to try one more time. "Well, how about a hot dog then?"

The old man smiled toothlessly. "Oh, that sound good!"

When the food came, the old Lakota picked it up and examined it curiously from all angles before saying, "We never eat this part of dog."

 

[suckonsimon]

Two nuns sharing a bath.
Sister 1: "Where's the soap?"
Sister 2: "Ooh it does, doesn't it."

 

[Iceprincess12]

The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

 

[jacktar48]

A priest is walking down the road when he spots a sweet little girl playing with a teenie tiny dog. They look so cute together and he feels compelled to approach them.

"Hi he says you are a sweet little girl what is your name?" The little girl looks at him and says "My name is Marcy".

He says "That's a lovely name and you have a sweet little doggie what is he called??"

"His name is Porky" says the little girl.

"Oh! Porky? That's an unusual name for a little dog. Why do you call him Porky?" asks the priest.

"Because he fucks pigs" the little girl replies.

(Now - don't ask me why this makes me laugh but it does!)

Me too. LOL. It may be because I'm a sick bastard.

Three guys were sitting in the break room at work, eating lunch. The white man opened his lunch box and took out a sloppy-looking ham and cheese sandwich, a bag of pork rinds, and a Moon Pie.

He slammed it down on the table, cursing. "That lazy bitch! I work my ass off so she can buy groceries and this shit is the best she can come up with for my lunch? I'm sick of this shit. I'm going home tonight and I'm going to tell her how it's going to be, and if she doesn't like it she can hit the road."

The black man opened his lunch box and took out a half-eaten ham hock and a plastic bowl of congealed collard greens. "I hear yuh, bruh," he said. "I might just do the same thing my own self. Ho don't give me no respect neither."

The Cherokee man took a piece of stale corn bread out of his jacket pocket and brushed the lint off before crumbling it into his cup of coffee and spooning it up impassively.

"I'm just going to tell her how it's going to be," the white man said, munching his sandwich. "When I get home, she's going to have her fat ass off the couch and be dressed in something that makes my dick hard. I'm going to sit down in my chair and she's going to bring me an ice-cold brewski, and when I finish drinking it she's going to have a good supper ready and she's going to serve it to me. After that, I'm going to take her upstairs and fuck her, unless there's a game on TV, in which case she's going to suck my dick while I watch it. That's just how it's going to be from now on, and she can take it or leave it. You guys ought to do the same; back me up here, and when we get back after the holiday weekend we'll see how it worked out."

"You da man!" the black guy said, fist-bumping him. "If you got the balls to do that, I'ma do the same. These ho's need to be put in their place."

The Cherokee man shook his head skeptically.

"I don't know...sounds like trouble to me."

The others worked on him until he finally agreed.

When they got back together three days later the white man had a big grin on his face.

"Well, I did it! The first day, she screamed and cried and locked me out of the bedroom, but the second day I started to see a little difference around the house, and that night we fucked like minks. The third day she gave me breakfast in bed, cleaned up the house, dressed up real nice and did everything she could think of to please me. So how did it work out for you guys?"

"Oh, it were pretty good in the end," the black man said. "First day, she threw a bottle of beer at me and walked out, went to stay with her mother. Second day she come home and I could see a little difference in her attitude. She made me a pretty good dinner, but wouldn't give me no pussy, but the third day I could see she was happy as could be and we got it on right in the middle of the living room floor. I can see this is going to be real good from now on."

The Cherokee man was sporting two black eyes, a broken nose, and seemed to be having trouble speaking.

"Uh...the first day I couldn't see anything. Couldn't see anything the second day either, but on the third day I managed to get my right eye open about a quarter of an inch...."

 

[Iceprincess12]

Why is Friday the most feminine day of the week?

Because it takes forever to come.

 

[Backdoor_Bella]

Two nuns sharing a bath.
Sister 1: "Where's the soap?"
Sister 2: "Ooh it does, doesn't it."

am I dense? how come I don't get this?!

 

[suckonsimon]

am I dense? how come I don't get this?!

Bella, perhaps it works better spoken: "where's ... " or did she hear "wears ..."

 

[jacktar48]

Why is Friday the most feminine day of the week?

Because it takes forever to come.

What's a Long Island Jewish Princesses' favorite thing to make for dinner?

Reservations.

 

[jacktar48]

Old Mr. Smith was dying and when he was sure he wouldn't make it through the night he called his clergyman, his doctor, and his lawyer to his bedside to say his farewells.

They stood silently, trying to look sad but full of hope and expectation because they knew Smith was a miserly old fart who had no heirs.

Smith handed an envelope to each of them, saying, "Now you know I never trusted banks, and this is my entire life savings. There is $100,000 in each of these envelopes.

I know it's said that 'you can't take it with you,' but I aim to try. You three are the only people in the world I trust, and I want you to promise me that you will go to my funeral, and just before they close my coffin, you will put the money in there with me and make sure no one steals it."

They all agreed, and sure enough, Mr. Smith died that night. At the funeral, just before the coffin was sealed, each of them tucked an envelope into the coffin with Mr. Smith's body.

After the burial the three walked back to the parking lot together. The preacher cleared his throat uneasily and said, "I have to make a confession...I was thinking about all that money, and the church really needed a new roof...I prayed about it and God told me that using the money for the church was a better legacy for Mr. Smith than burying it, and I'm sure he would have agreed if he had lived a little longer. So I just put an empty envelope in there with him."

The doctor said, "I understand. I thought about it and decided to use it to buy an MRI machine for my clinic. I'm pretty sure Mr. Smith would have been in favor of that if I'd had a chance to tell him. So I just put a 'thank you' note in the coffin with him."

The lawyer said, "I can't believe you two opportunists! You truly disgust me! Disobeying the man's last wishes that way...well, I promise you, when Mr. Smith gets to wherever he's going, he's going to have my personal check for $100,000 right there in his coat pocket."

 

[Dream59]

am I dense? how come I don't get this?!

I didn't get it either so don't feel bad.

Btw the jokes don't have to be slightly offensive, they can be totally offensive and I will like them. That is why the thread is labeled jokes.

 

[Dream59]

Great thread and great thread idea. Tip of the hat.

 

[jacktar48]

I didn't get it either so don't feel bad.

Btw the jokes don't have to be slightly offensive, they can be totally offensive and I will like them. That is why the thread is labeled jokes.

Here's offensive for you, then:

You know why Michael Jackson used to like to shop at K-Mart?

Because they always advertised "Boys' Underwear Half Off!"

 

[jacktar48]

Great thread and great thread idea. Tip of the hat.

Thanks.

Here's more offensive material:

You know why Scotsmen wear kilts?

Because sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.

 

[Leigh81]

Newfie Joke

3 newfies took a fishing trip to Ontario for a week. It was the hottest day of the year. They were fishing for a few hours and then Bob just fell out of the boat. The other 2 newfies watched him sink out of site and then looked at each other. They waited a minute and the one said," maybe one of us should jump in and save him from drowning".
So the one newfie took of his shirt, pants and shoes and dove in. A minute later he came up with the guy. The newfie on the boat pulled him in and realized he wasn't breathing. He started giving him mouth to mouth and turns to the other newfie and says, "fuck I didn't realize Bob had such bad breath". The 2nd newfie replies, "I didn't realize he was wearing a snowmobile suit".

L

 

[greeneyedvirgin]

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake.

The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're going to get hair on your Twinkie."

She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."

 

[Kat73]

This is one of my favorites from HS. I used to carry a Truly Tasteless Joke Book with me at all times and this was in it. It's rude and totally awful, but... What can I say, I love it!


A couple was up fucking all night long. As they finished their last round the guy was too tired to get up and throw the condom away and so he threw it out the window. After sleeping a few hours, he awoke to the sounds of kids playing. He went to the window and sure enough, one of the kids had the condom in his hand. He shouted, "hey kid, I'll give you $10 for that, um, uh, Twinkie!" The kid said sure and they made the switch. The kid went running home, burst into the house and yelled, "Mom! I just got $10 for a Twinkie and I had already sucked the cream out!"

 

[Leigh81]

If it smells like fish its a dish. If it smells like cologne leave it alone.

L

 

[Iceprincess12]

What gets longer when pulled, fits between breasts, slides neatly into a hole, has choked people when used improperly, and works best when jerked?

Seatbelts

 

[Iceprincess12]

Two nuns sharing a bath.
Sister 1: "Where's the soap?"
Sister 2: "Ooh it does, doesn't it."

I keep checking back and hoping someone will explain it, add me in line with bella and dream.

I don't get it

 

[PanamaJaxxx]

What gets longer when pulled, fits between breasts, slides neatly into a hole, has choked people when used improperly, and works best when jerked?

Seatbelts

Dang it..I was wrong again.....lol