Blackbich
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jan 13, 2001
- Posts
- 2,564
Some of these are old but there's some new ones also! My favorite one is #19. I crack up every time I read it.
1. Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your mom.
2. How do you know when you're really ugly?
Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.
3. What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom?
Say, "Nice Dick".
4. How do you know when you're leading a sad life?
When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends".
5. Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
6. Mom's have Mother's day, Dad's have Fathers day. What do single guys have?
Palm Sunday.
7. Why is being in the Military like a blowjob?
The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
8. What do you call a 90 year old man who can still masturbate? Miracle Whip.
9. What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts?
Her Navel.
10. What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A Bingo Machine.
11. Why did God create alcohol?
So ugly people could have sex too.
12. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
13. What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts are $1 and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.
14. What three two-letter words mean small?
"Is It In?"
15. If you are having sex with two women and one more walks in, what do you have?
Divorce proceedings most likely.
16. Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.
17. What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
18. What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
They're hiring.
19. What do toilets, a clitoris, and an anniversary have in common?
Men miss them all.
20. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
21. What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm? A Pimp.
22. Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays? Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
23. What's the difference between a Southern zoo, and a Northern zoo?
A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front the cage, along with a recipe.
24. How do you get a sweet little 80 year old lady to say Fuck?
Get another sweet little 80 year old lady to yell "Bingo".
25. What's the Cuban National Anthem?
Row, row, row your boat.
26. What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time" A Southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit".
27. What's the best form of birth control after 50?
Nudity.
28. What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.
29. What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes.
30. How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.
31. Why are men and parking spaces alike?
Because all the good ones are gone and the only ones left are disabled. 32. What have men and floor tiles got in common?
If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life.
33. Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
34. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
35. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
36. What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
37. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
38. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
The one who can eat the last donut!
39. Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator. 40. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.
Okay, maybe not the best jokes but I thought I'd try to make someone smile today.
1. Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your mom.
2. How do you know when you're really ugly?
Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.
3. What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom?
Say, "Nice Dick".
4. How do you know when you're leading a sad life?
When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends".
5. Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
6. Mom's have Mother's day, Dad's have Fathers day. What do single guys have?
Palm Sunday.
7. Why is being in the Military like a blowjob?
The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
8. What do you call a 90 year old man who can still masturbate? Miracle Whip.
9. What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts?
Her Navel.
10. What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A Bingo Machine.
11. Why did God create alcohol?
So ugly people could have sex too.
12. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
13. What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts are $1 and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.
14. What three two-letter words mean small?
"Is It In?"
15. If you are having sex with two women and one more walks in, what do you have?
Divorce proceedings most likely.
16. Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.
17. What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
18. What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
They're hiring.
19. What do toilets, a clitoris, and an anniversary have in common?
Men miss them all.
20. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
21. What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm? A Pimp.
22. Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays? Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
23. What's the difference between a Southern zoo, and a Northern zoo?
A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front the cage, along with a recipe.
24. How do you get a sweet little 80 year old lady to say Fuck?
Get another sweet little 80 year old lady to yell "Bingo".
25. What's the Cuban National Anthem?
Row, row, row your boat.
26. What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time" A Southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit".
27. What's the best form of birth control after 50?
Nudity.
28. What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.
29. What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes.
30. How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.
31. Why are men and parking spaces alike?
Because all the good ones are gone and the only ones left are disabled. 32. What have men and floor tiles got in common?
If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life.
33. Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
34. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
35. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
36. What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
37. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
38. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
The one who can eat the last donut!
39. Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator. 40. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.
Okay, maybe not the best jokes but I thought I'd try to make someone smile today.
