Joke(s) request

[ShyTease]

I'm ashamed to say I only know one joke.

So I'm asking for people to post jokes that they think are funny.

The ones that make me laugh will get some kind of prize... what kind I don't know but it won't be something I have to post... as in the post office.

FYI racist jokes get you blocked.
Sexist jokes however bring em on but make it witty.

 

[ilovetoeat42]

I was at the bar last night when this gorgeous blonde came flying in the door frantic. The bar tender tries to consloe and she demands a hot washcloth. The bartender asks what is wrong, the blonde replies, "I just tried snorting coke and got an ice cube stuck in my nose".

 

[MilwSoccerGuy]

what did the pirate say when he turned 80?

AYYYYE MATEY!

 

[Irishguy74]

A boss said to his secretary I want to have SEX with you I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I'll be done. She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn't even have enough time to undressed himself." So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, what happened? She responds, "The Bastard used coins I'm still picking and he is still fucking!"

 

[ShyTease]

Lol at this rate everyone is getting a prize.
Thanks for posting guys

 

[1sickbastard]

Q: What do you get when you cross a organized crime boss with a post-existentialist philosopher?

A: An offer you can't understand.

 

[1sickbastard]

Q: What do you get when you cross a Klansman with a Unitarian?

A: Someone who burns a question mark in your front yard.

 

[Backdoor_Bella]

the constipated mathematician worked it out with a pencil?

 

[Scumspawn]

bats

What do you call an Australian who is good with bats?

A vetinarian

(a cricket joke!)

 

[Omegawolfen]

A boy says to a girl, "so sex at my place?" "Yeah!" "Ok, but I sleep in a bunk bed with my younger brother, and he thinks we are making sandwiches, so we have to have a code. Cheese means faster and tomato means harder, okay?" Later in the girl is yelling "cheese cheese tomato tomato!" The younger brother says "stop making sandwiches! You're getting mayo all over my bed!"

 

[Scumspawn]

dog

Two intellectually challenged men were in the park,Mick turned to Patrick and said"Theyr'e lovely dogs those Labradors,I think I might get one as a pet."

His mate Patrick replied"Fuck that, have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

 

[Scumspawn]

doc

My doctor told me that I would still be able to have sex at 70, which is really handy as I live at number 64, so it's not far to walk!

 

[Tech_Director]

The Bearhunter

A guy wanted to go bear hunting and bought himself a top of the line hunting rifle that cost him more money than even he wanted to admit to.

So, the first day of hunting season comes along and off he goes into the woods. After a short while he comes upon a brown bear foraging for berries. He levels the rifle, gets a perfect bead on the bear and...BLAM. One dead brown bear.

He gets a tap on the shoulder and turns around.

It's a black bear and the bear says, "You just killed my friend. Now you have a choice to make, either you let me have my way with you or I'm just going to kill you and eat you."

The guy freaks out because he can't believe he's just met a talking bear but calms down enough to recognize the predicament he's in and lowers his pants. When it's all over, he makes his way home, takes a very long hot shower and collapses into bed.

The next morning, still sore, he gets up and he's MAD. He doesn't even make breakfast, gets dressed, grabs his rifle and heads back to the woods.

Sure enough after tracking for a little bit he sees the black bear that took advantage of him. He levels the gun, takes perfect aim and BANG. One dead black bear.

He gets a tap on the shoulder and turns around.

It's a Grizzly Bear, and the grizzly says, "Hey, you just killed my friend Blackie. Now you have a choice to make. Either you let me have my way with you OR I'm just going to kill you and eat you."

This time he wasn't even shocked by the talking bear and was already undoing his pants even before the bear finished his sentence. The bear goes to town on the guy and finally when it's all over, our hunter crawls home, curls up in a ball in his shower and then makes his way to bed.

Next morning, he gets up, pops some painkillers and gets really MAD again. I mean where the hell are all these kinky bears coming from anyway, right? So, he grabs his rifle and heads back to the forest. It takes him several hours of tracking but finally he spots the Grizzly. He lifts his rifle up, takes aim, and BANG, one dead Grizzly.

He gets a tap on the shoulder and turns around.

It's a Polar Bear and as the guy is already undoing his pants the Polar Bear says, "Hey buddy, you really don't come here to hunt bears, do you?"

 

[Tech_Director]

Two Hunters

Two really good friends were out hunting in the woods one day when one of the guys grabs at his chest, collapses and says, "Help me!"

His friend runs over, kneels down and tries to take a pulse, finds nothing, checks his friend for breath and there's nothing happening. He panics but takes out his phone, walks around until he can find a signal and finally dials 911.

"This is 911 what's your emergency?"

"My friend...he's....I think he's dead. He collapsed on the ground and...and...he's not breathing or anything...HELP, PLEASE GOD, YOU HAVE TO HELP."

"Calm down sir, it's okay. Look, first, go back and make sure he's dead."

Before the operator could say anything else, the guy dropped the phone to the ground and the operator could hear him running off and then heard a very loud BANG!"

The guy comes back picks up the phone and breathlessly says, "Okay, that's done, what do I do next?"

 

[EclecticRob]

Preacher's wife

A minister walking downtown one day passes a woman standing near an alley who asks him: Would you like a blow job...ten dollars? The minister, unsure what the woman is asking shakes his head and keeps walking. When another woman asks him the same question he nervously declines and decides to go home before finishing his errands. When he gets home, flustered, he asks his wife: Honey, what's a blow job? His wife, confused by the question, answers: Ten dollars, same as downtown.

 

[akaSol]

Small & Far away

>Sol

 

[Kelleebabes]

An art therapist decides to throw a "Color" themed party, your suppose to come dressed as a emotion...
Ding dong...first couple arrives, dressed head to toe in red..."Let me guess" said the therapist..."Your red with anger"..."welcome to the party ! come in"
Ding dong...second guess arrives, A lovely woman with a green dress, and a green hat..."ahhh yes,your green with jealousy or envy"..."excellent, please join in the fun"
Ding dong...next it's another couple decked out all in blue,..."ohhh sad, your dressed blue because your unhappy"..."come in , come in..."This went on for several more colors...The party was in full swing...lastly
Ding dong...the therapist opened the door, there stood a big naked man...with his penis sticking through a pear... the therapist scratched his head and said"mmm I'm afraid I can't quite figure out what emotion you are?...The man in a deep voice said..."I'm fucking dispear"

 

[dirtwrench]

A man comes home, throws open the front door and yells to his wife, "Pack your bags woman I won the Lottery!"

From the top of the stairs, excitement in her voice and a smile on her face she asks, "Beach wear or mountain?"

To which he replies, "I don't really care- just get your shit packed and get out!"


(Yes ladies, it could go either way)

 

[LWulf]

A husband and his wife are sitting in a park. They are looking really down because of money problems.
Lo and behold this little guy walks up to them and asks them with an irish brogue "What is making you folks look so down on a fine day like today?"
The husband says "well, we have money problems and we are probably going to lose our house and we don't know what to do."

The little guy smiles and says "Well, today you're in luck laddie because I'm a leprechaun! He glances at the wife and see's she is a really hot looking woman. "Tell ya what I'm gonna do, I'll let you have all the money in my pot of gold, if you let me have sex for the night with your wife first."
"I don't know" My wife is a beautiful woman, but I couldn't Let you sleep with her for a whole night."
"Okay, okay, how about an hour at the least?"
The husband is a little doubtful and looks at his wife and says "I better talk it over with my wife.

So the little guy walks off a bit so they can talk in private.
The wife starts off saying "I don't know about this!"
The husband is besides himself with glee. "This leprechaun said he can pay off all our debts, we'll get to keep the house! I think it's worth a shot."
The wife looks at him sideways and says "but he's a leprechaun."
"Exactly!" The husband says. "He's only a leprechaun! What can he do, and we get our debts all paid off. I even talked him down to an hour!"
"Alright." the wife resigns.

Long story short, the leprechaun is getting dressed after the hour, and he asks,
"How old is your husband, lass?"
The wife answers "He's 35 years old."
"...And he still believes in Leprechauns??"

 

[ShyTease]

All of these jokes I've never heard of before till now.
Really enjoying these

Oh and the person who voted 'non sexual' as a prize option PM me you get your prize first x

 

[LWulf]

here's another old one...

There are three explorers who travel to an island where the local inhabitants are revealed to be very wealthy and prosperous. Nothing bad ever happens to them.

The three explorers are really capitalists seeking to exploit whatever trick these people have learned in life and are bound and determined to learn it.

They make it to the island, and after trekking into the center of the island, they finally come across this lost tribe. They notice some of the tribesman are walking around with some birds droppings on their head or shoulders. ignorant that the poo smells awful, they continue to act extremely content with their life.

The three explorers manage to talk with the chieftain to learn his secrets, and all he does is go on about the majesty of a local bird called the "foo bird." He extolls the wonders of the world are at your feet if you are blessed by the foo bird's poo, but great dangers await you if you dare to remove the blessed poo.

Resigned that they will never learn anything worthwhile, the three explorers leave, disgusted. On their trek back to the coast, they hear a bird call "Foo! Foo!" and some poo lands on one of the explorers shoulders. Repulsed, he wipes off the horrid stink and immediately dies!

The two remaining explorers realize there might be some truth to this tale, and try to avoid getting any more foo poo on them. Lo and behold, a bird call cries out "Foo! Foo!" and poo falls on one of their arms.

"I can't take it, the smell is awful!" He brushes the poo off and immediately dies.

The last explorer is bound to make it out alive, and sure enough, a moment later, he hears "Foo! Foo!" and poo falls on his head, but he doesn't wipe it off and lives.

He manages to get back to the coast and then back to his home, where he finds a check in the mail for a million dollars. He goes out to enjoy his success and immediately meets a supermodel who falls helplessly in love with him and marries him. Everything he does becomes a success, until 20 years later, he has had enough.
The poo never dried up and always stank as bad as the first day it fell on him.
"Success isn't worth this stink!" he cries and wipes off the foo poo and immediately dies.

The moral of this story is: "If the foo shits, wear it!"

 

[WetBiMoose]

Two pieces of string walk into a bar and order two shots of Tequila. The bartender looks at them and yells"Get out! We don't serve string here!" They leave quickly and once outside try to figure out their next move. The first piece of string turns to the second and says "Fuck this, I'm going back in for my drink!" He ties himself up and roughs up his ends, getting them nice and tattered. He goes back inside and orders a shot of Tequila and the bartender looks at him puzzled. "Aren't you the piece of string I just kicked out?" "No...." the string replies "I'm a frayed knot."

 

[LWulf]

A young eager businessman is told by his boss to go out to a local Indian tribe and schmooze the Chief into signing a deal with their company. The Chief is a very wealthy man, but a little on the eccentric side, he is warned.

"Do whatever he says, but don't come back without the Chief's endorsement!" his boss threatens.

The young business man flies out to meet with the chief who meets him coming off the plane. He welcomes the eager businessman, but when the businessman tries to talk business, the chief holds up a restraining hand and says
"Talk business tomorrow. ...during golf."

The young eager businessman again tries to push the deal through but the chief holds up his hand. "Talk tomorrow." he says with finality. The chief, being a wise man, understands the pressures of the young and makes another deal with him. "My daughter will take you out tonight and show you the town. We are very proud of our town."

The young businessman sees the Chief's daughter and she is a total hottie, who smiles at him, so he concedes.

The Chief's daughter takes him to a local place where they have a wonderful meal. Then they go out dancing. One thing led to another and the next thing you know she is taking him back to her place which was an authentic tipi.
The inside is so dark he can barely see his own hand in front of his face.
They started having sex and before you know it, she starts shouting "I-chai! I-chai!"

He thinks this means "good" or "great" by the way she shouts it out, so he starts really giving it to her good and hard. She continues to yell out "I-chai!" and his ego is really going through the roof.

The next morning, he awakes to find the Chief's daughter is gone, so he gets dressed and goes to meet the Chief. True to his word, he starts to talk about business until he gets to the first tee. The young eager business man lets the Chief go first out of respect. The Chief lines up, concentrates and hits a powerful drive than lands right in the hole on the first shot!

The young eager businessman tries to impress the Chief with his newfound knowledge of Indian, and loudly says with conviction, "I-chai!"

The Chief turns to him, very angry and says "What do you mean I got it in the wrong hole!?"

 

[LWulf]

Dang. I can't tell that businessman joke, it has to deal with bestiality. Hrm... aha! Another joke...


Three explorers go trekking through a jungle. Suddenly they are caught by a local tribe they were warned about. They are tied and bound and taken back to the tribes village.

They hear the natives whooping it up as they start some ceremony for the evening, which consists mostly of a cookpot. The explorers aren't too happy about the aspects of this and try to figure a way out.

In short order, they are taken out and are faced by a ferocious Chieftan. He understands some English. He gives them an ultimatum.

"You can either choose an honorable death, or endure "Chee-chee" whereupon you will be released to go your way.

The first explorer is willing to gamble so he says "I'll try this "Chee-chee."

The Chief yells out "CHEE-CHEE!" and the whole tribe goes nuts in an orgy of sodimizing the first explorer and after an hour, he is released, lame, but alive and crawling out of the village.

The second explorer has seen what happens but he isn't ready to choose death, so he says "Chee-chee."

The Chief yells out "CHEE-CHEE!" and the whole tribe goes nuts in an orgy of sodimizing the second explorer and after an hour, he is released, lame, but alive and crawling out of the village.

The last explorer is a prouder man than the first two, so he looks the Chief in the eye and says, "I choose an honorable death!"

The Chief lifts up his head and nods his admiration of this man. Then the Chief yells out "Death by CHEE-CHEE!"

 

[LWulf]

hrm... let's try a different sort of joke...

There's these three explorers in the jungle; an Englishman, a Frenchman, and a redneck.

Unfortunately, they get caught by this one local tribe they were warned about.

They are brought in front of the Chief, who knows a little English and tells them they will be killed, whereupon they will use their skins to make new canoes.
The three are not that thrilled with this announcement, but the Chief tells them he will allow them to choose the method of their own death. To die in a fashion they are accustomed to.

The Englishman steps forward and says "I wish to die by a gun in my own hand."
He is given a gun, whereupon he aims it at his temple, yells out "God save the Queen!" and shoots himself dead.

The Frenchman steps forward and says "I wish to die by the sword."
He is given a sword, whereupon he holds it aloft and says "Vive la France!" Stabs himself and dies.

The redneck steps forward and says "I wish to die by the fork."
The chief is confused that maybe he doesn't understand English well enough, but the redneck insists.
He is given a fork, whereupon he holds it aloft and says "To hell with your damn canoes!" and stabs his body, all over, repeatedly with the fork.