Joke(s) request

[LWulf]

Warning: This ain't fer the faint of heart!!

Okay, an (over 18) teenage girl wants to use the family car. She asks her father for the keys, and he says "Okay, but first, you have to give me a blow job."

"What?!" the daughter exclaims "but you're my father!!"

The father says "Well, if you want the car, then you have to give me a blowjob!"

The daughter is distressed, but she needs to use the car, so she concedes to her father's perverted demands and starts to give him a blowjob.

"Ugh!" she spits, "Your dick tastes like shit!"

"Oh, that reminds me, your brother (also over 18) has the car first."

 

[LWulf]

Do you know what the difference is between a yankee and a damn yankee?

A "yankee" is a person from up north who travels south. A "damn yankee" is a person from up north, who travels south, and stays!

 

[LWulf]

here's a REALLY old one.

Have you ever heard of the "oo-oo" bird?

It's a bird with balls "O" <--this big, and legs "o" <-- this big, and when it lands it goes "oo! oo! oo!"

 

[LWulf]

here's a dilly of an old one...

There's these four Irishmen, who own a donkey with really tall ears. They know that if you touch the donkey's ears, that it will bolt.

Lo and behold, it starts to rain, so they lead him into the barn, but the barn door is shorter than the donkey's ears by two inches!

So in a second, they decide to get four jacks and start to jack up all four corners of the barn two inches.

Along comes an Italian guy who sees the problem and understands and offers another solution. "All-a you guys have-a to do, is digga a trench 2 inches-a deep!"

They look pathetically at him. "You stupid Italian, it's his ears that are too long, not his legs!"

 

[ShyTease]

Ok L Wulf looks like you're going for gold here lol

PM me your prize request and I'll see what I can do.

 

[LWulf]

Chinese fortune cookie reads: Bald man isn't getting less hair but more head.

 

[LWulf]

Ok L Wulf looks like you're going for gold here lol

PM me your prize request and I'll see what I can do.

aww... you want me to stop?? *pout pout*

 

[ShyTease]

Gosh no. But you'll definitely be getting a prize

 

[LWulf]

I voted for not having much thought. OMG I think I can feel less thoughts already! Thank you!!!

 

[LWulf]

Really really old jokes.

I lost my henway.

What's a henway?

Oh about 4 or 5 pounds.

****

Have you seen my picost?

What's a picost?

Generally about 5-6 dollars.

 

[Leigh81]

A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high cliff about to jump off.

A filthy old man wandering by stopped and said, "Look, since you'll be dead

In a few minutes and it won't matter to you,....... how about a shag before you go?"

She screamed, "NO! Bugger off, you filthy old bastard!"

He shrugged and turned away, saying "Okay, I'll just go and wait at the bottom then."

She didn't jump.........

L

 

[ShyTease]

Ok everybody you've out done yourselves keep them coming by all means but if you've submitted a joke and have an idea for your prize let me know in PMs or here if you're not shy x

 

[Leigh81]

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, 'Keith, do you


remember that good-looking widow

from the farm we stayed at on our

ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'
'Yes, I do.' Said Keith.
'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle

of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'
'Well, um, yes!,' Keith said, a little embarrassed

about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'
'And did you happen to give her my name

instead of telling her your name?'

Keith's face turned beet red and he said,

'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.'

'Why do you ask?'
'She just died and left me everything.'

L

 

[LWulf]

How do you catch a unique rabbit?

You-neak up on him!

 

[LWulf]

I think this is kinda old

For the most part, this joke helps to do facial gestures emulating the dialog, but for the sake of text, I'll do so with text size.

A wide mouth frog was trying to figure out what to feed his babies, so he went around asking all the creatures he met, starting with Mrs. Cow.

"Hello Mrs. Cow. What do you feed your ba-bies?"

Mrs Cow responded, "I feed them milk."

"Thank you very much, Mrs. Cow"

and off the frog jumped until he came to Mrs. Spider.

"Hello Mrs. Spider. What do you feed your ba-bies?"

Mrs. Spider responded "I feed them the flies I catch in my web."

"Thank you very much, Mrs. Spider"

and off the frog jumped until he came to Mrs. Snake.

"Hello Mrs. Snake. What do you feed your ba-bies?"

Mrs. Snake smiled and said "I feed them wide mouthed frogs."

"Oh, thank you very much, Mrs. Snake"

 

[LWulf]

It's been a while since i thought of this joke. I had to look it up on the internet...

Larry Lobster and Sam Clam where best friends. They did everything together. The only difference between them is that Larry was the nicest Lobster ever and Sam, well lets just say he was not so good.

Larry and Sam did so much together that they even died together, but Larry went to heaven and Sam went to hell.

Larry was doing well in heaven and one day St. Peter came up to him and said, "Larry, you know you are the nicest clam we ever had up here. Everyone likes you but you seem to be a bit depressed. Tell me what is bothering you, maybe I can help."

Larry said, "Well, don't get me wrong Pete, I like it up here and everything, but I really miss my good friend Sam Clam. We used to do everything together and I really miss him a lot."

St. Peter looked at Larry with pity and said to him, "I tell you what, I can arrange it so that you can go down to hell tomorrow and visit Sam all day. How would that sound?"

This made Larry very happy and he got up bright and early the next morning and grabbed his wings, his harp, and his halo and got in the elevator to hell. When the doors opened he was met by Sam. The hugged each other and they were off. You see in Hell Sam owned a disco. They spent the day there together and had a great time. At the end of the day Larry and Sam went back to the elevator together said their goodbyes as Larry got back in the elevator and went up to heaven. He stepped off the elevator and was greeted by St. Peter who blocked the doorway to heaven. He looked at Larry and said, "Larry Lobster, did you forget something?"

Larry looked around and said, "No, I don't think so I have my halo and my wings."

St. Peter looked at him and said, "Yes, but what about your harp?" Larry gasped and said, "I left my harp in Sam Clam's disco!"

 

[willlph]

I heard this one on XM radio this morning on the way to work..

Your mama's name is tater chip..... because she is Frito-Lay

 

[Blakely123]

John was walking down the street and got hit by a bus.
Knock knock*
Who's there?



Not John!!

 

[LWulf]

I just noticed, did shytease get banned?

 

[ToysAreUs]

Did you hear about the gang war across town between the Swedes and the Norwegians? The Swedes started it.

They thru firecrackers at the Norskis so the Norwegians lit them and thru them back!

 

[LWulf]

saw a bunch of size being mentioned in threads which reminded me of this quick joke...


Q: Why will women never make it being a carpenter?

A: It's because they can't read a ruler. All their lives, they've been told 5 inches is really 10 inches.

 

[emmy_christina]

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on.

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them
say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come
together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I
come
again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly.
In this country we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex
lives, "
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell *'Mississippi'."

 

[QuietLibrarian]

Q: What do you get when you cross a Klansman with a Unitarian?

A: Someone who burns a question mark in your front yard.

What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with a Hell's Angel?

Someone who knocks on your door and tells YOU to fuck off.

(With apologies to JW and HA )