Jane, you ignorant slut

[Problem Child]

Dan Aykroyd: Tonight on "Point/Counterpoint", Jane and I will argue Federal Aid for Abortions. Jane will take the Point for Federal Aid, and I will take the Counterpoint against. Jane?

Jane Curtin: Safe abortions have always been available to the rich, Dan. You simply want to deny them to the poor, and if you succeed, poor woman will be forced to get them anyway. They'll be forced into the alleys with hangers, plungers and vacuum cleaners, risking death or mutilation.

But you'd like that, wouldn't you, Dan, you sadistic, elitist, sexist, racist, anti-humanist pig!

Dan Aykroyd: Jane, you ignorant, misguided slut! Once again, you missed the point entirely. Why should I pay hard-earned dollars so welfare tarts can have sex anytime they want, without regards to consequences? Haven't these bimbos heard of abstinence? I, myself, haven't had sex for two years - and I'm rich! Why should I foot the bill for killing unborn infants, anyway?

I'll pay for something practical like sterilization - but abortions? Never! With one exception - if I had been around when your mother was having you, not only would I have paid for the abortion, but I would have performed it myself!

Jane Curtin: Thank you, Dan.

 

[alexandraaah]

It's a beautiful thing.

 

[Private Vasquez]

Way!

 

[Problem Child]

Dan Aykroyd: Hello. I'm "Weekend Update" Station Manager Dan Aykroyd. This week, the Shah of Iran declared martial law, in an attempt to put a stop to the violent writing which has paralyzed his country. The Shah is the subject of tonight's "Point/Counterpoint". Jane will take the Anti-Shah Point, and I will take the Pro-Shah Counterpoint. Jane?

Jane Curtin: Dan, I know exactly what you're going to say: "Jane, you ignorant slut! The Shah is our friend, he sent us oil during the 70's re-embargo. He's a fighter against Communism."

Maybe so, Dan, but what happened to the human rights you scream about every time a Saranski gets sentenced to some Soviet jail? Why is it wrong to torture a dissident and freezing Siberian Goulag, but okay to wire a leftist student's genitals in a baking Tehran dungeon? I only hope that someday someone wires your genitals, Dan. Then you'll be singing a different tune!

Dan Aykroyd: Jane, you poor, misguided scrag! Sure, the Shah's a jerk, but he's all we've got! Just look at the map. To the north, the Soviet Union; to the east and west, Afghanistan and Iraq. Both leftist radical states; and in the south, the Persian Gulf.

Any idiot can see that Iran would be a prized stepping stone in an eventual Soviet takeover of the world. And when that happens, Jane, those Cossacks will be coming over here with their broom handle, and we'll see how you'll feel then! Of course, you'd probably love it, you ignorant slut!

Jane Curtin: That's the news. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

 

[kiwiwolf]

Yep... you definitely rock PC

 

[Problem Child]

Dan Aykroyd: I'm station manager Dan Akroyd. During the past few weeks in Los Angeles, actor Lee Marvin and his former live-in companion Michelle Triola Marvin have been in court to settle her claim that he owes her half his income from the six years they lived together. That is the subject of tonight's Point-Counterpoint. Jane will take the pro-Michelle Marvin point, while I will take the anti-Michelle Triola counterpoint. Jane?

Jane Curtin: Dan, times change and so does the nature of relationships. People are reluctant to get married these days and looking at divorce statistics, who can blame them. But the lack of a piece of paper does not neccessarily mean a lack of a total commitment. A woman is this modern-day relationship may well give up all her personal pursuits, as Michelle Marvin claims she did, to give her full support to her man's career. And Michelle Marvin is just asking that the courts recognize that reality. Dan, there's an old saying: "Behind every successful man there's a woman." A loving, giving, caring woman. But you wouldn't know about that, Dan, because there's no old saying about what's behind a miserable failure.

Dan Aykroyd: Jane, you ignorant slut! Bagged-out, dried-up, slunken meat like you and Michelle Triola know the rules. If you want a contract, sign on the dotted line. Oh, but let's all shed a tear for poor Michelle Triola. There was only testimony that she had sexual intercourse over forty times with another man while living with actor Lee Marvin. But I suppose that sort of fashionable promiscuting means nothing to you, Jane, who hops from bed to bed with the frequency of a cheap ham radio. But hell hath no fury like a woman's scorn, and Michelle Triola, like a screeching, squealing, reptatious swamp sow is after actor Lee Marvin's last three million dollars. I guess what you and Michelle are saying is that when you're on your backs, the meter is running. Well, please spare us, gals, and tell us the rate's at the top. Then we can choose which two bit tarts and bargain basement sluts to shack up with.

Jane Curtin: That's the news. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

 

[cymbidia]

Gods...SNL used to be so good.

 

[Svedish_Chef]

I only wish we got it way back when

 

[cymbidia]

Chef, weren't you still just a twinkle in your Daddy's eye way back when?

 

[Svedish_Chef]

Way back when honey, there was only 5 channels in the capital cities... 2 in country areas.

(and kinda)

 

[cymbidia]

Little boys don't usually do much for me, Chef.
Well, unless they know what to do with a flogger - and know how to call someone an ignornat slut with authority and at just the right time as things are flowing along.

 

[Svedish_Chef]

You are an ignorant slut. Look at your PM's!

 

[OpposingBalance]

Every time I see David Bowie, I get wet....

 

[cymbidia]

I looked, twinkletoes.
Nothing there.
Okay, nothing unread.
It's dangerously full, however, and i have to do another round of ~trumpets please!~ PM Box Deletion!