Jacking-Off Log

[rosco rathbone]

lookin' for vacation vagina in too many faces ... etc.

The esophagaeal vagina!

 

[Hamletmaschine]

The esophagaeal vagina!

Heh heh -- that was what I was thinking of during my last jack, as it happens. A good hard nasty sloppy throatfucking.

 

[tortoise]

The esophagaeal vagina!

I'm picturing you exclaiming that in full carnival barker regalia.

"Ladies and gents, what you see behind this curtain will shock and amaze you…"



Step right up, step right up, step right up,
Everyone's a winner, bargains galore
That's right, you too can be the proud owner
Of the quality goes in before the name goes on
One-tenth of a dollar, one-tenth of a dollar, we got service after sales
You need perfume? we got perfume, how 'bout an engagement ring?
Something for the little lady, something for the little lady,
Something for the little lady, hmm
Three for a dollar
We got a year-end clearance, we got a white sale
And a smoke-damaged furniture, you can drive it away today
Act now, act now, and receive as our gift, our gift to you
They come in all colors, one size fits all
No muss, no fuss, no spills, you're tired of kitchen drudgery
Everything must go, going out of business, going out of business
Going out of business sale
Fifty percent off original retail price, skip the middle man
Don't settle for less
How do we do it? how do we do it? volume, volume, turn up the volume
Now you've heard it advertised, don't hesitate
Don't be caught with your drawers down,
Don't be caught with your drawers down
You can step right up, step right up

That's right, it filets, it chops, it dices, slices,
Never stops, lasts a lifetime, mows your lawn
And it mows your lawn and it picks up the kids from school
It gets rid of unwanted facial hair, it gets rid of embarrassing age spots,
It delivers a pizza, and it lengthens, and it strengthens
And it finds that slipper that's been at large
under the chaise lounge for several weeks
And it plays a mean Rhythm Master,
It makes excuses for unwanted lipstick on your collar
And it's only a dollar, step right up, it's only a dollar, step right up

'Cause it forges your signature
If not completely satisfied, mail back unused portion of product
For complete refund of price of purchase
Step right up
Please allow thirty days for delivery, don't be fooled by cheap imitations
You can live in it, live in it, laugh in it, love in it
Swim in it, sleep in it,
Live in it, swim in it, laugh in it, love in it
Removes embarrassing stains from contour sheets, that's right
And it entertains visiting relatives, it turns a sandwich into a banquet
Tired of being the life of the party?
Change your shorts, change your life, change your life
Change into a nine-year-old Hindu boy, get rid of your wife,
And it walks your dog, and it doubles on sax
Doubles on sax, you can jump back Jack, see you later alligator
See you later alligator
And it steals your car
It gets rid of your gambling debts, it quits smoking
It's a friend, and it's a companion,
And it's the only product you will ever need
Follow these easy assembly instructions it never needs ironing
Well it takes weights off hips, bust, thighs, chin, midriff,
Gives you dandruff, and it finds you a job, it is a job
And it strips the phone company free take ten for five exchange,
And it gives you denture breath
And you know it's a friend, and it's a companion
And it gets rid of your traveler's checks
It's new, it's improved, it's old-fashioned
Well it takes care of business, never needs winding,
Never needs winding, never needs winding
Gets rid of blackheads, the heartbreak of psoriasis,
Christ, you don't know the meaning of heartbreak, buddy,
C'mon, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon
'Cause it's effective, it's defective, it creates household odors,
It disinfects, it sanitizes for your protection
It gives you an erection, it wins the election
Why put up with painful corns any longer?
It's a redeemable coupon, no obligation, no salesman will visit your home
We got a jackpot, jackpot, jackpot, prizes, prizes, prizes, all work guaranteed
How do we do it, how do we do it, how do we do it, how do we do it
We need your business, we're going out of business
We'll give you the business
Get on the business end of our going-out-of-business sale
Receive our free brochure, free brochure
Read the easy-to-follow assembly instructions, batteries not included
Send before midnight tomorrow, terms available,
Step right up, step right up, step right up
You got it buddy: the large print giveth, and the small print taketh away
Step right up, you can step right up, you can step right up
C'mon step right up
(Get away from me kid, you bother me...)
Step right up, step right up, step right up, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon
Step right up, you can step right up, c'mon and step right up,
C'mon and step right up

 

[Hamletmaschine]

All Waits, all the time.

 

[tortoise]

Good for what ails ye!

Happy Sunday, my fiend! How fare thee?

I'm fixin' ta jack (thinking yet again of sundappled nectarflesh), shower, and attack my day with as much sang-froid as I can muster.

 

[Hamletmaschine]

Indeed he is.

I'm doing okay, my fiend. Need to find some vaca-vag, as I said, but otherwise doing great. I have 8 months off, and am feeling like putting on my traveling shoes.

No jack for me yet. But enjoy yours!

 

[tortoise]

Ah yes, Gin told me about your 8 months off. Congrats, and carpe hiatus!

Donning traveling shoes sounds like a most excellent plan, and could very well help to facilitate the acquisition of vacation vagina. Travelsex is one of the finest ways to while away the hours. May the road rise up to meet you!

 

[bridgeburner]

I am now monstrously frustrated because my copy of Small Change is at the office rather than at home. I'm going to have Waits stuck in my head all day with no release in sight.

Gah!!!

 

[tortoise]

Apologies, bb.

Look on the bright side, though. The tantalizing mental build-up will make the aural release, when it does happen, all the more intense. A toe-curling Waitsgasm, if you will.

 

[Hamletmaschine]

This thread has made me realize that I don't believe I've ever had the urge to jack off and listen to Tom Waits in the same or any consecutive moments before.

I'm not sure what to make of that....

 

[Hester]

Being silly is no problem--I can do that at the drop of a hat. But feeling silly is another matter. I don't even feel like jerking off if I'm feeling silly. Fortunately, that doesn't often happen.

if i worried about feeling silly i'd never get anything done. i feel silly most of the time.

 

[Hester]

Indeed he is.

I'm doing okay, my fiend. Need to find some vaca-vag, as I said, but otherwise doing great. I have 8 months off, and am feeling like putting on my traveling shoes.

No jack for me yet. But enjoy yours!

well head down here and start hunting!

 

[Hester]

What sort of ammo would you recommend?

ambush with hand-to-hand combat

 

[Hamletmaschine]

well head down here and start hunting!

I plan to...though I'm already about as "down here" as one can get.

 

[Olivia_Yearns]

Rinsing some shaving gel in the shower just now, and suddenly I remember the "pulse" setting on the hand-held shower head. Shower head! It is unusual for me to O standing up, and slightly tricky, 'cause I get weak in the knees. I put my forehead and one arm against the tiles, one foot up on the side of the tub. Any other women do it this way?

 

[spacekowboy]

I haven't jacked since early yesterday morning, and even though i feel the urge i'm going to hold off. I'm thinking until at least tomorrow. Perhaps even tuesday before i do. It's been while since i've deprived myself. I need to do so more often. That first one back from hiatus is always so wonderful. I figure if i resisted this morning when junior was awake 10 minutes before I , and as ready as i've seen him in weeks, I can hold out another day or two.

 

[Hester]

Rinsing some shaving gel in the shower just now, and suddenly I remember the "pulse" setting on the hand-held shower head. Shower head! It is unusual for me to O standing up, and slightly tricky, 'cause I get weak in the knees. I put my forehead and one arm against the tiles, one foot up on the side of the tub. Any other women do it this way?

i used to use the showerhead. now it makes me numb.

get on your knees to begin with so you don't fall down

 

[spacekowboy]

i used to use the showerhead. now it makes me numb.

get on your knees to begin with so you don't fall down

That was wicked imagery for a man trying to hold out.

 

[naughtygirl69s]

Rinsing some shaving gel in the shower just now, and suddenly I remember the "pulse" setting on the hand-held shower head. Shower head! It is unusual for me to O standing up, and slightly tricky, 'cause I get weak in the knees. I put my forehead and one arm against the tiles, one foot up on the side of the tub. Any other women do it this way?

Used to, unfortunately, my current shower doesn't have hot water long enough for me to do this, but i did it frequently this way when i was younger, also sometimes I would lay down in the tub and hold the hand-held shower spray on my clit.

I had a most powerful O, a few days ago, using the jet in a jacuzzi tub. I was staying in a hotel and I fell in love with the HUGE bathtub with jets, the second i saw it. The first time I bathed WITH my boyfriend and enjoyed some playtime with him. The second time I bathed alone and about 10 minutes into it, I started looking longingly at the jets. I scooted myself over one of them, basically on my back with my legs over the side of the tub and my clit up against the jet. It was starting to feel REALLLLLy nice and my BF came in and knelt down in front of me and started talking to me, telling me a dirty story which sent me into a very intense, knee weakening, O. I had to immediately move as the pressure was too much on my clit after an O like that.

 

[Hester]

That was wicked imagery for a man trying to hold out.

you're in the wrong thread if you're trying to hold out, buster.

 

[Hester]

I had a most powerful O, a few days ago, using the jet in a jacuzzi tub.

i did that all the time in the swimming pool when i was a kid. i'd wait for everyone to leave then as nonchalantly as possible go give the side of the pool a big hug and an underwater hump. ha!

 

[spacekowboy]

you're in the wrong thread if you're trying to hold out, buster.

Don't I know it. Get thee behind me satan!

 

[Olivia_Yearns]

Jacuzzi - yes! I wish I had access to one of those from time to time. I used to have a claw foot tub, and I'd lay on my back with my legs up and open under the faucet, and the water pounding down. That was really good. Girls can be so resourceful. Some of the very first orgasms I ever had were on the handle of my electric toothbrush when I was very young.

 

[Guest]

 

[Hamletmaschine]

... Some of the very first orgasms I ever had were on the handle of my electric toothbrush when I was very young.

Might be interesting to try the brush end some time.