IVF & Miscarriage

[jackflash81]

I don't really know what to write here, I just know that I feel awful, and there isn't really anything I can do about it.

In the past I have posed on here about the difficulties of going through IVF, the strain on the relationship etc..

Today we had our worst fears confirmed, that after 8 weeks, we lost our baby. We had been trying again for two years, and the IVF had bought us a sotivie test, about which we were delighted. However, on Saturday, heavy bleeding came, and then a scan today confirmed the heart beat had stopped.

The process of IVF has had a great strain on our relationship, and ruined our sex life totally. However, it has bought us one little princess, and I am fully aware that we are lucky to have her. We are blessed, as I know many people don't get that far.

It doesn't however, take away from the despair and feeling of helplessness that comes from this situation. Although we have been through failed attempts before, we have never had a miscarriage, and it is undescribably awful.

As i said, there is nothting anyone can do, and I don't know what I expect in reply. I just had to get something down in writing.

Thanks for reading x

 

[jackflash81]

Thank you Rainshine, your post was very comforting to read, but did have me in tears.

We have been trying on and off for 5 years now, and were blessed with one who will be three in March. She is our world, and has helped deal with the stress of it all.

It has threatened the relationship many times, and my wife is not the lady I married after the stress and strain has changed her. She has lost much of her bounce, her smile, and has withdrawn a lot. I have always clung on to the thought that a second baby, would start the process of regeneration, and we would get back the fun life we had before it all started.

I still hold that hope, and have to. I have to be strong and positive for both the ladies in my life, and believe that we will get there. We have some frozen embryo's to try next cycle, and fingers crossed we will have success next time.

Just talking about it helps, and to know others have been through it also can provide great comfort. I think it must be harder for the female, as you suffer all the physical discomfort as well as the mental, and the great feeling off loss I am sure cannot be put into words.

Thank you again for your words, you will never know how much they help. x

 

[bailadora]

I think it must be harder for the female, as you suffer all the physical discomfort as well as the mental, and the great feeling off loss I am sure cannot be put into words.

First, I want to say how very, very sorry I am for all of you. Please be gentle with yourselves and each other.

I don't know that miscarriages is harder on the female, so much that the way we tend to cope with it can be very, very different, at least IMX. My husband is very much the problem solving type of guy and he's very pragmatic. He was sad, yes, but from his point of view, life goes on. His method of coping was to keep busy. Whereas I felt like I was frozen. I had to function because I had two other children who needed me, but honestly, that's all it was - I was functioning just enough to take care of them. Otherwise, I'd just wander aimlessly around the house. And for reasons that I have never really been able to identify, nights were always the worst.

Another thing that made it really difficult for me is that society tends to treat miscarriage as less valid than other losses. It seemed to me that I was expected to "get over it" much, much sooner than I would have had I been grieving someone who'd actually been born into the world. Whenever I would try to talk about how difficult a time I was having, I'd get all sorts of platitudes: "Oh, well, it wasn't meant to be. At least you can try again. At least you have your other children." People mean well, but they don't realize how much they're adding to, instead of assuaging someone else's grief. It got to the point that when people would ask me how I was doing, I'd just hand them a copy of this article. Some people left me to my own devices, but a few came back and said they would listen, just listen, any time I needed them. They remain true friends to this very day.

I don't know if you and your wife will try again after this loss, but if you do, realize that her frame of mind may be greatly changed and she may need more support than ever. I got pregnant with my last child after back to back miscarriages, and it was a very scary time for me. I did not enjoy being pregnant with her the way I did with my older two. Every twinge and cramp was magnified a thousand fold, and I was terrified every single minute of the day that I would lose her. I don't think I truly breathed a sigh of relief until I was holding her in my arms.

Since you seem to be forum type people, I would encourage the both of you to check out Silentgrief.com. It is a child loss forum (from in utero through adulthood, but mostly in utero) that helped me to cope with my own grief, to try to better communicate my own feelings to my husband, and to try to understand his emotions and coping mechanisms. The wealth of support and understanding to be found there immeasurable.

On the same note, if either you or your wife just want to vent to someone who has been there, my PM box is open. Praying peace and comfort for all of you.

 

[SunDevilGirl]

I am so sorry for your loss. There are no words to express that grief.

I hope that you will talk to your wife about it though. My partner and I grieved separately. It was the best way we knew at the time but it did drive us apart.

It took me a very long time to not cry every single day. I felt very alone, even though I wasn't.

It will get easier. You won't believe it now, but it will.

 

[jackflash81]

All I can say, is thank you to the ladies who have contacted me, and posted on the thread.

I am truly touched, and each of you has made me cry, and that is a good thing.

I am still trying to get to grips with how to grieve, and what I 'should' do. The good thing is that my wife and I are talking about it a lot, and have had a lot of joint crying sessions, and they have helped.

My brother and his wife went through the same thing last year, and only now can I appreciate how hard it was for them to talk. At the time, I didn't. He has been good, and so has my mother who also experienced miscarriage before i was born. It is helpful to have people around me who have exerienced it themselves.

I certainly am finding that the people who haven't experienced it tend to say 'everything happens for a reason', and 'you need to be strong, pull yourself, and go again'. They do mean well, but it isn't overly helpful.

I am trying to be positive for my daughter, and happy around her, as I don't want her to be upset by it.

Thanks again, all of your warm wishes have been greatly appreciated.
x

 

[tkinsc]

Sorry for your family's loss.

Having ridden the IVF train for eight years, I can empathize with how hard it can be on a marriage, and a sex life. We never experienced a miscarriage, but went through failed cycles and the loss of a twin. I don't think the pain from those losses ever go away, but I also don't think the joy of a successful cycle can ever be matched.

Our youngest is six, and it took a few years, but our marriage is as strong as ever, and our sex life is the best it has ever been.

Good luck to all of you on your journey.

 

[jackflash81]

I must, once again, thank you all for your mesages of support, both here and in PM's.

I am so touched by it all, and never expected the response I had.

On the other boards on here, I often see examples of Lit members that make me mad, and think about leaving due to things they say.

You have all been wonderful, and I have read responses to my wife who has been thankful too.

Today has been tough, it seems that I occassionally forget what has happened, and then remember and it hits hard.

One hurdle now, is that three months would have been Christmas day, we had planned to tell the families altogether, it seemed so perfect. Now, that day will be a reminder of what we have lost.

Thanks again, all of you have been great.

 

[Circe_Rose]

I don't really know what to write here, I just know that I feel awful, and there isn't really anything I can do about it.

In the past I have posed on here about the difficulties of going through IVF, the strain on the relationship etc..

Today we had our worst fears confirmed, that after 8 weeks, we lost our baby. We had been trying again for two years, and the IVF had bought us a sotivie test, about which we were delighted. However, on Saturday, heavy bleeding came, and then a scan today confirmed the heart beat had stopped.

The process of IVF has had a great strain on our relationship, and ruined our sex life totally. However, it has bought us one little princess, and I am fully aware that we are lucky to have her. We are blessed, as I know many people don't get that far.

It doesn't however, take away from the despair and feeling of helplessness that comes from this situation. Although we have been through failed attempts before, we have never had a miscarriage, and it is undescribably awful.

As i said, there is nothting anyone can do, and I don't know what I expect in reply. I just had to get something down in writing.

Thanks for reading x

I am so very sorry to hear of your loss.

I have never been through IVF, but I have been through two miscarriages and a stillbirth at 29 weeks. It might get easier over time, yes, but you're always different afterward. Just please continue to be there for each other as much as you can, and give each other space when you need it. Bailadora is right - this is a loss, no matter what some may think - and you will need and should take time to grieve.

I have nothing else to say except hugs and love to you and your wife from me.

 

[GiggLeGasm]

We have a clotting disorder in my family. It makes pregnancy troublesome and, even with all the medical miracles that exist, the women in my generation have lost nearly half of our babies within the first year of birth. My cousin lost two. Her first passed away within months of being born - her second lived almost half a year.

I remember getting the invitation for a family wedding and realizing that I would have a baby by then - probably 2 weeks old -

I cried so hard as she walked toward him, the pain of her loss spreading across her heart and radiating through her face. If you have never felt the frailty of life, it comes during the tender moments of grief.

I would wish that you are filled with peace - but I know it will not come soon
I would wish that you are blessed with understanding - but that may be an impossible dream
I would wish that these moments when you realize - again - that your life will never be the same could somehow cease - but it would diminish your experience.
All I can do is acknowledge that you had a child.. and you lost your child.. and I am so very, very sorry.
May your hearts heal so that joy may return to your life.

 

[cricketbug]

Not having been there myself, but having supported many friends who have had this loss, I can only offer hugs and an open ear if necessary.

 

[MeekMe]

I can't imagine the hardship, but I know it must be so hard. I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope things can get to a better place for you and your family.

 

[Bean_Linda91]

I am so incredibly moved by the kindness of this thread, this really is my nook. All of you who responded are awesome in my book.
I'm terribly sorry for your family's loss but more for you and your partner. I cannot imagine and will not try to imagine how you both feel. All I can do is wish you the best and hope for a positive update from you both.

 

[Noor]

I am so sorry for your loss

I have never had IVF but I have donated eggs. The drugs they give you to force multiple ovulation can make you feel insane, I wanted to crawl out of my skin.
I was sad when my eggs resulted in multiple miscarriages. My friend could not carry the fetus'.
I released the rest to whomever. Somewhere in California there maybe a bio child I don't know about. I have no feeling about that beyond that maybe I helped someone.

I have had miscarriages-two I knew about, one I didn't know about until years later. The hormone drop afterwards is incredibly intense, I was very sad, just wanted to be alone and didn't want sex for quite a while. That even happened when I didn't know about it, so I figure it's pretty much a physical chemical thing.

The grief of losing a much anticipated child is another layer on top.

I would look into grief counseling, I have been twice and it really helped. I would also ask your wife what she wants to do.

 

[Emerson40]

Mr. Flash.

First off, my sympathies to you and yours for your recent loss. It is a tough, tough thing to go through and I wish you and you family well as you get through this.

There is a great deal of kind words, encouragement, and good, solid advice provided above.
I just noticed all the responses have come from the fairer sex, so I thought I would offer some advice from a guy's POV.

I only wish to add to the discussion by suggesting you take the time to discuss your feelings, your loss, and how you are coping, with someone other than your wife. If possible, with another guy. Only because men and women cope and relate to some of things and issues in these situations differently, and on different levels. You mentioned your brother went through this last year. He may be someone to discuss things with, provided your relationship with him accommodates this, and his feelings and thoughts about his own situation are still not too fresh or raw. If he is not an option, perhaps a close friend, relative, or a counsellor as mentioned above.

As men, we want to be there for our partners, be the strong rock, make the hurt go away, and fix things. In doing this, we sometimes forget (neglect) to look after what hurts us, and the turmoils inside. In an effort to not supplement or complicate the hurt our partners are going through, we don't discuss our feelings with them, and push things down, inside us. Bending the ear of someone else provides you the opportunity to be heard and sympathized with, and could provide you some perspective and strength, ideal when wanting to be the best possible husband during a time like this, and a pillar of solidity and comfort for your wife.

There will be plenty of time later, when things are not so visceral and intense, for the two of you to discuss what each was going through, and become stronger by it.

Take care, and all the best in the future.

 

[jackflash81]

Dear all,

I am endlessly touched and humbled by the kind words of everyone who has posted. I didn't really know what to expect when I posted, I just wanted to get something in writing.

I have been lucky that my work have been very understanding with it all, and given me time.

My wife has experienced great support from her closest female friends, two of which have had miscarriages themselves. It has helped her a lot.

Emerson (and I think tkinsc), thank you also, a males perspective is very much appreciated. As suggested I have spoken briefly to my brother about it. He and I are very close, and he has made clear that he is there to talk if I need it, which is good. My mother has also been good, offering to look after our daughter if needed, but at the moment, she is keeping us smiling.

Yesterday, she said "stop crying Daddy, I will wipe your tears off and you can be happy again". The innocence of her logic, made me want to cry and smile at the same time. I don't know how we would have coped without her little face and laughter.

My wife's work have also been good, giving her the week off and telling her to come back in her own time. She was, until recently, working as a specialist fertiility nurse in a clinic in the UK, so knows very well about the process. Not that it makes it any easier when you go through it yourself.

The hard thing at the moment, is that we are now waiting for the foetus to pass, as the scan showed it is still inside. This means we cannot properly move on, or plan the next stage, as we still have this aspect to deal with. I know it will set everything off again, and it will be like going through it from the start. Once this has happened, I really feel we can sit down, reflect, cry, and then see how we want to proceed.

Once again, thank you all, it has genuinely helped a lot to be able to talk it through.

x

 

[Noor]

That is so hard, my heart goes out to you and your wife.
One had to be somewhat removed. I was bleeding so that probably changed things.

 

[Mrclean_sober]

Keep it Simple

Sorry to hear about what you guys are going through, we went down this same road. It's brutal, and painful, but it's also something you two will get through. I sincerely hope your family can remain strong and keep moving forward, staying positive. Best of luck to you.

A smooth sea never made a good sailor - Unknown

 

[LadyVer]

I didn't read all the comments.

I remember when I went through my own issues with infertility. A stillbirth at 5 months, then 3 miscarriages from 6-10 weeks. It was demoralizing. With me, I felt I was a failure as a woman. My mother had had six kids and said her pregnancies were the best time of her life, she had never felt better.

Each pregnancy of mine, I was sick as a dog with 24/7 morning sickness. I tried harder to get pregnant. My husband (at the time), said he felt like he was nothing but a sperm donor. I understood what he was saying, yet at the same time, up until that point, we had been best friends (I thought), had a lot of common interests, did a lot of things together, supported each other.

It takes communication, humor, and willingness to be there for the other. If both partners aren't up to it, sooner or later, the relationship fails.

In the end, I got tired of being the scapegoat for his selfishness. Which was a shame, because we did end up finally having two beautiful kids, each difficult deliveries. He wasn't there for the birth of our daughter because of a sporting event. The labor was 40 hours, which was beyond what he had signed up for, apparently.

 

[dutchrain]

Jackflash, my condolences to you and your wife, I do hope the foetus passes soon. The wait must be unbearable.

A friend of mine in the same situation had the hardest time while waiting, ever so often she would say things like "My body still hasn't rejected it. Maybe ..." She even refused D&C in case the scan(s) were wrong.

To you and all the others who told they too had to cope with the loss of a child or children (in your eyes the smallest foetus is a child if you really want it) hugs and love.

 

[blulilacgrl]

My deepest sympathies for both you and your wife.

I had difficulties getting pregnant as well. It took us 9 years to conceive our fist child. And I almost lost both of our boys very early on in the pregnancies.

I am not going to say it gets easier because I don't think it does. I think it just gets to be an accepted part of your life. So, I will only say grieve in whatever way feels appropriate to the two of you. Accept that each of you will grieve differently and simply try to be the shoulder to cry on and the arms to hold each other together.

My thoughts and prayers for both of you.

 

[intriguedlady]

IVF--Adoption

My husband and I struggled through infertility as well. It's amazing the "mourning" process you need to go through when you struggle to become a parent and find yourself unable to conceive. The toughest part for me was maintaining a positive attitude and not judging others. I would hear/read stories of person(s) becoming pregnant that in my opinion weren't any better than I, and yet why couldn't I get pregnant? Why can that drug addict do so and they toss the baby in a dumpster and not I when I would try so hard to be a good parent? After testing we had a choice to go through IVF and opted not to for a great many reasons mentioned in this thread.

We decided that the important factor was to become a parent, not the why/how. We chose adoption and count ourselves fortunate. My son, who is now 3, is an amazing person and I couldn't imagine being a parent to anyone else. We were able to adopt him at 2 days old. Adoption isn't for everyone and may not be the right solution for you, but please know that there are people out there who may ever so slightly understand what you may be going through.

Keep your chin up!

 

[jackflash81]

Hi all,

i don't want to sound a broken record by thanking everyone, but i must offer my many thanks to you all for your kind supportive words.

We were hoping that we would be able to arrange for the 'removal' of the rest of our baby for tomorrow, as we are so desperate to be able to start the process of moving on from this difficult time. However, it isn't possible for tomorrow, and therefore we need to wait until Monday, which will then be exactly a week since we learned our sad fate.

We heard from the clinic, where the IVF took place, that they would like us to collect the remains for testing. They want to be sure that it was down to other things and not a chromosomal abnormality. This has left me worried. For those who understand the process of IVF, when we had our egg collection and ICSI treatment, we were left with 12 embryo's good enough to be frozen. This means that on the next cycle, it should be less invasive than this time and less hard on my wifes body due to less drugs.

If it turns out there is an abnormality in the chromosomes, that obviously means it could be in the others, and there is then a decision to make on what to do with them. If they have to go, and we have to start again, the mental, physical and financial implications are a lot to bare.

I keep my fingers crossed, and hopes alive that it was down to anything else.

I find I am, myself, up and down with emotions. I must say that when I first heard we were pregnant, I couldn't quite believe it, and I said to my wife that until we reached 12 weeks, I wouldn't let myself acknowledge it, in an attempt to protect myself I guess, having seen what my brother went through a year ago.

I therefore have a battle in my head, as I tell myself that I never believed it was happening, and therefore I shouldn't be as affected. Then I think about what has actually happened, what we have been through, and what has gone, and I begin to cry.

The mind works in funny ways, and grief, as so many have said, has no correct path to follow, there is nothing you should feel, and nothing you shouldn't. You don't know until you are there what will happen, and even then I find it hard to understand.

The overall sensation I feel, is emptiness, and helplessness. I want to be able to do the hurting for everyone, my wife especially, who is dealing with daily cramps that have her bent over. She doesn't want to leave the house at the moment for the fear our lost love will pass when she is in public and will not be able to catch it, or see it. For me, I feel empty, the hope and background happiness that was under the surface has gone for the moment, and when I am not busy I feel nothing...what I mean by that is that I stare into space, no thoughts, just an empty head. Thats where the thoughts of our new baby had been sitting in the last 8 weeks.

I am not sure if any of what I have just written makes sense, I just find it useful and theraputic to put it all in writing, even if no one read it.

It is a stream of conciousness, as I try to make sense of everything. My wife is keen not to tell too many people, keep it to the few who knew we were pregnant, and those closest. I tend to prefer to let people know, so they understand how we may have withdrawn, rather than make up a silly excuse.

I don't know whats right, I think i may have said that already. All I know is that I want this part to be over, so we can try to pull ourselves together, and plan what to do next.

However, without this, and you guys, it all would have been harder. I know that sounds corny etc.. and some of you may not believe it. However, I haven't been able to be this honest and open with anyone. None of you would know me if I walked down the street, or sat next to you in a restaurant, and thats why I can do it. I will never meet any of you to be able to give you all a hug, because thats what I would like to do, to show my thanks and appreciation for your honesty, frankness, and support.

It will never happen in reality, but virtually, every one who has posted here, and who has sent me PM's....I hug you all, and squeeze you tight, for you have all been wonderful.

x

 

[jackflash81]

Dear all,

I thought I would update everyone on where we are now. Again, this is as much for me to make sense of it, as to keep those of you who have been supportive updated.

On Monday morning my wife had her ERPC (D&C) at Hospital, to remove what was left of our baby from her. We are lucky that all went well, and there were no complications.

In many ways there is a sense of relief, as we can now move on without the thought that she is still carrying our dead baby, and on the other side there is the final grief that it has actually gone, there is no chance of a mistake, the thought that actually it could still be there, and alive.

The whole experience, as many of you have been through yourself, is horrendous. There is no other word to describe the feeling of complete and utter helplessness.

We got home, and last night lit a candle for our baby, and will do now every 2nd December.

We have frozen embryo's from our IVF cycle, and will try again in the new year.

I take this final opportunity to thank those of you who have written, and still write in support. Thank you for your openess, and sharing your experiences with me.

I am looking forward to the end of 2013, it has not been a great year all round. Unfortunately, on returning from the hospital yesterday, we learned that my wife's uncle's cancer had grown, and spread. There is nothing they can do about it, simply try to control it now. IT doesn't bode well for 2014.

Sometimes, life can be tough, it really can. However, I am generally a positive person, and try to find the light where I can. I will always be blessed with my daughter, and the close family and friends I have.

I wish you all a happy 2014, whatever it brings. x

 

[Noor]

I am so sorry. It gets better, it's always there but it gets bearable. Occasionally someone will ask how many kids you have and you will finding yourself pausing a bit when you answer but that will seem normal in a weird way.

 

[bailadora]

I'm so sorry, Jack. You and your wife continue to be in my thoughts and my prayers.