I've got four stories here and would love any kind of feedback.

[AG31]

These stories all feature a strong man surrendering with dignity to sexual humiliation and/or pain. They are very explicit.

I'm interested in all kinds of feedback, negative as well as postive, but two categories that I can name.

1 - Do you find this kind of story arousing? When I first began writing them, I expected them to be like a lot of others. But over the last year and a half I've found that they are unique. I'm interested in finding other people with my sensibility in erotica. But feedback from people for whom this doesn't work is also interesting to me.

2 - Plain old critique of the writing, especially suggestions for how to make it less confusing, less awkward, more vivid.

Here are the links. I also just submitted one for publication today. It's called Vignette #1, so it's probably best just to search for my user name.

https://literotica.com/s/twelve-maxbridge-street

https://literotica.com/s/naked-18

https://literotica.com/s/the-recurrence

https://literotica.com/s/an-enigma-3

EDIT: https://literotica.com/s/vignette-01-2 (Published after I posted this).

Thanks!
Annie

 

[TheRedChamber]

I read 'Naked.' I enjoyed it, so I might come back and read the others later, but for now...

1. A lot of authors describe their own work as unique, I think in your case it is probably justified - the idea of a commander simulatiously submitting but also trying to maintain troop morale and authority gave it a peculiar and interesting dynamic that we rarely see in BDSM stories - also one that is pretty difficult to pull off for any sustained period of time.
2. I would have liked this to be developed more - I started the second page wondering how you were going to get to wrap it up satisfactorily in time, and unfortunately I found the Day Four conclusion unsatisfying - while in real life the prison camp being liberated with no involvement from the prisioners is the most likely resolution, it did feel like deus ex machina in a story, except that I wished the deus could have held off for a little while longer so we could get a bit more character development.
3. The tension between the commander and the men could be played up a bit more - the commander basically does an excellent job all the way through the story and is never significantly challenged by his men. He also gets himself in the right headspace more or less at the beginning of the story.
4. The enemy is left a bit vague - I can understand why you wouldn't want to name them as any specific nation, but we don't get any real sense of where they are geographically (I pictured a desert but had to go back and check the text - you mention a 'desert like envirnment'). None of the enemy are named or develop any particularly clear characteristics. This gives the story an air of horrible things happening for no particular reason, which may be part of your style, and is okay for me in small doses.
5. I'm probably not the best person to critique writing style. Mostly the story was clear and I wasn't confused - except that I was sure what was going on when the gay soldier said he shouldn't be their pick. Looking at it again, I guess he just felt uncomfortable doing it, but I read it several times thinking I'd missed something the first time I read the story.

 

[AG31]

I read 'Naked.' I enjoyed it, so I might come back and read the others later, but for now...

1. A lot of authors describe their own work as unique, I think in your case it is probably justified - the idea of a commander simulatiously submitting but also trying to maintain troop morale and authority gave it a peculiar and interesting dynamic that we rarely see in BDSM stories - also one that is pretty difficult to pull off for any sustained period of time.
2. I would have liked this to be developed more - I started the second page wondering how you were going to get to wrap it up satisfactorily in time, and unfortunately I found the Day Four conclusion unsatisfying - while in real life the prison camp being liberated with no involvement from the prisioners is the most likely resolution, it did feel like deus ex machina in a story, except that I wished the deus could have held off for a little while longer so we could get a bit more character development.
3. The tension between the commander and the men could be played up a bit more - the commander basically does an excellent job all the way through the story and is never significantly challenged by his men. He also gets himself in the right headspace more or less at the beginning of the story.
4. The enemy is left a bit vague - I can understand why you wouldn't want to name them as any specific nation, but we don't get any real sense of where they are geographically (I pictured a desert but had to go back and check the text - you mention a 'desert like envirnment'). None of the enemy are named or develop any particularly clear characteristics. This gives the story an air of horrible things happening for no particular reason, which may be part of your style, and is okay for me in small doses.
5. I'm probably not the best person to critique writing style. Mostly the story was clear and I wasn't confused - except that I was sure what was going on when the gay soldier said he shouldn't be their pick. Looking at it again, I guess he just felt uncomfortable doing it, but I read it several times thinking I'd missed something the first time I read the story.

"I wasn't confused - except that I was sure what was going on when the gay soldier said he shouldn't be their pick. Looking at it again, I guess he just felt uncomfortable doing it, but I read it several times thinking I'd missed something the first time I read the story." Would this help, without getting too "wordy?"

Kretschmer moaned with guilt that his cock had stiffened enough to assault his friend and commanding officer. "It looks like Kintebe...."

 

[AG31]

I read 'Naked.' I enjoyed it, so I might come back and read the others later, but for now...

1. A lot of authors describe their own work as unique, I think in your case it is probably justified - the idea of a commander simulatiously submitting but also trying to maintain troop morale and authority gave it a peculiar and interesting dynamic that we rarely see in BDSM stories - also one that is pretty difficult to pull off for any sustained period of time.
2. I would have liked this to be developed more - I started the second page wondering how you were going to get to wrap it up satisfactorily in time, and unfortunately I found the Day Four conclusion unsatisfying - while in real life the prison camp being liberated with no involvement from the prisioners is the most likely resolution, it did feel like deus ex machina in a story, except that I wished the deus could have held off for a little while longer so we could get a bit more character development.
3. The tension between the commander and the men could be played up a bit more - the commander basically does an excellent job all the way through the story and is never significantly challenged by his men. He also gets himself in the right headspace more or less at the beginning of the story.
4. The enemy is left a bit vague - I can understand why you wouldn't want to name them as any specific nation, but we don't get any real sense of where they are geographically (I pictured a desert but had to go back and check the text - you mention a 'desert like envirnment'). None of the enemy are named or develop any particularly clear characteristics. This gives the story an air of horrible things happening for no particular reason, which may be part of your style, and is okay for me in small doses.
5. I'm probably not the best person to critique writing style. Mostly the story was clear and I wasn't confused - except that I was sure what was going on when the gay soldier said he shouldn't be their pick. Looking at it again, I guess he just felt uncomfortable doing it, but I read it several times thinking I'd missed something the first time I read the story.

Thanks so much for your thoughtful attention. If you think of a way for me to sharpen up what the gay soldier was thinking, let me know. You did have it right. He didn't want to get pleasure from degrading his respected commanding officer.

Your other comments mostly address what I've finally articulated to myself as a chosen style. That is, I keep back story and personal complexity to an absolute minimum. I don't want to distract from the erotica. I think of it as "pure erotica." Nothing is there that doesn't stimulate arousal.

Naked is my least representative story. It has a lot more plot and personal interaction than I usually put in. I'll be interested to find out if you think the others are unique.

When I published my first story, Maxbridge, a reviewer slammed it for bing "old style." She said people today want more about personal interaction. That prompted me to revisit The Story of O. It's remarkable for the lack of information we have about any characters, O included. So I decided that I'm just an "old style" writer.

Anyway, thanks much again for spending time with me and my story.

EDIT: https://literotica.com/s/vignette-01-2 (Published after I posted the OP).

 

[TheRedChamber]

"I wasn't confused - except that I was sure what was going on when the gay soldier said he shouldn't be their pick. Looking at it again, I guess he just felt uncomfortable doing it, but I read it several times thinking I'd missed something the first time I read the story." Would this help, without getting too "wordy?"

Kretschmer moaned with guilt that his cock had stiffened enough to assault his friend and commanding officer. "It looks like Kintebe...."

The problem with this is it's slightly head-hopping as the narrator is telling us why Kretschmer is guilty - it should stick with Loot's perspective. Which is difficult because he's facing the other way. Maybe just change the wording slightly.

Then he heard Kretschmer's voice. "Hey, Loot. It's me. I can't believe they picked me. You know this isn't something I wanted, right?" Kretschmer was one of their two openly gay men. Henderson felt some sense of relief. At least it wouldn't be a replay of yesterday. He wouldn't have to manage Kretschmer while trying to abase himself before the enemy officer.

 

[TheRedChamber]

Thanks so much for your thoughtful attention. If you think of a way for me to sharpen up what the gay soldier was thinking, let me know. You did have it right. He didn't want to get pleasure from degrading his respected commanding officer.

Your other comments mostly address what I've finally articulated to myself as a chosen style. That is, I keep back story and personal complexity to an absolute minimum. I don't want to distract from the erotica. I think of it as "pure erotica." Nothing is there that doesn't stimulate arousal.

Naked is my least representative story. It has a lot more plot and personal interaction than I usually put in. I'll be interested to find out if you think the others are unique.

When I published my first story, Maxbridge, a reviewer slammed it for bing "old style." She said people today want more about personal interaction. That prompted me to revisit The Story of O. It's remarkable for the lack of information we have about any characters, O included. So I decided that I'm just an "old style" writer.

Anyway, thanks much again for spending time with me and my story.

EDIT: https://literotica.com/s/vignette-01-2 (Published after I posted the OP).

I read through Submission and Vignette, both are fairly similar in plot and style so I'll talk about them together.

I see what you mean about 'pure erotica' and I'm afraid that I struggle with it a bit as I'm far more of a 'plot first' kind of a writer. I'm not sure if tastes really are changing, there's always been a wide variety of writing styles here and I still see quite a few plot light stories - I think it's just a matter of preference. You obviously have your own thing going on with the forced homosexuality in BDSM kink (please consider using lube at least sometimes!) and can probably built a small but appreciative audience around it.

There is something of a strange neutred tone around it. Despite the nature of what's going on things come across as fairly matter of fact and melodrama is largely missing from it. There's not really a sense that anyone - the main character or the doms are enjoying the activities and as there's little in the way of character or plot, it doesn't really do much for me, I'm afraid.

 

[AG31]

The problem with this is it's slightly head-hopping as the narrator is telling us why Kretschmer is guilty - it should stick with Loot's perspective. Which is difficult because he's facing the other way. Maybe just change the wording slightly.

Then he heard Kretschmer's voice. "Hey, Loot. It's me. I can't believe they picked me. You know this isn't something I wanted, right?" Kretschmer was one of their two openly gay men. Henderson felt some sense of relief. At least it wouldn't be a replay of yesterday. He wouldn't have to manage Kretschmer while trying to abase himself before the enemy officer.

Excellent! Thanks much!

 

[AG31]

I read through Submission and Vignette, both are fairly similar in plot and style so I'll talk about them together.

I see what you mean about 'pure erotica' and I'm afraid that I struggle with it a bit as I'm far more of a 'plot first' kind of a writer. I'm not sure if tastes really are changing, there's always been a wide variety of writing styles here and I still see quite a few plot light stories - I think it's just a matter of preference. You obviously have your own thing going on with the forced homosexuality in BDSM kink (please consider using lube at least sometimes!) and can probably built a small but appreciative audience around it.

There is something of a strange neutred tone around it. Despite the nature of what's going on things come across as fairly matter of fact and melodrama is largely missing from it. There's not really a sense that anyone - the main character or the doms are enjoying the activities and as there's little in the way of character or plot, it doesn't really do much for me, I'm afraid.

Thanks! This adds to my understanding of where my stuff lies in the world of erotica. Yes, the "neutred tone" is intentional. But the phrase is new. It's valuable. Again, The Story of O is my touchstone. It's not that I'm trying to imitate it. I hadn't read it for almost fifty years until I revisited it after I wrote Twelve Maxbridge Street.

The Recurrence is very similar to Submission and Vignette, so no need to look at that, but I hope you'll look at Maxbridge and Enigma. Not because I think you'll like them, but because you're perceptive and have a way with words and may help me further explain my sensibility to myself. Maxbridge is definitely my best. Enigma tries to posit the remaining big question for me concerning the world of erotica.

I'm going to read a few of your stories in hopes that I can return the favor.

Apropos of nothing... Almost everyone I meet in websites dealing with erotica is from Great Britain or somewhere else in Europe. Any idea why? I'm thinking maybe Americans are just less literate as a population.

 

[TheRedChamber]

Thanks! This adds to my understanding of where my stuff lies in the world of erotica. Yes, the "neutred tone" is intentional. But the phrase is new. It's valuable. Again, The Story of O is my touchstone. It's not that I'm trying to imitate it. I hadn't read it for almost fifty years until I revisited it after I wrote Twelve Maxbridge Street.

I think I accidentally combined neutral and muted when typing but maybe neutred works as well

The Recurrence is very similar to Submission and Vignette, so no need to look at that, but I hope you'll look at Maxbridge and Enigma. Not because I think you'll like them, but because you're perceptive and have a way with words and may help me further explain my sensibility to myself. Maxbridge is definitely my best. Enigma tries to posit the remaining big question for me concerning the world of erotica.

Ok, I'll take a look when I've got time.

I'm going to read a few of your stories in hopes that I can return the favor.

Please do. I haven't had a lot of feedback so please pick anything that takes your fancy (apart from maybe the two stories that are 8 years old).

Apropos of nothing... Almost everyone I meet in websites dealing with erotica is from Great Britain or somewhere else in Europe. Any idea why? I'm thinking maybe Americans are just less literate as a population.

There do seem to be a number of Brits and Aussies on the sites, but there's no shortage of Americans and I'm not sure how the ratios shake out. A fair bit of my feedback recently has been talking about how to address cultural difference issues with Americans or Indian writers.

 

[TheRedChamber]

I'm going to read a few of your stories in hopes that I can return the favor.

Thanks for the comments you left on my stories. Yes, at the moment the most common (useful) critique I get is there's not enough sex/erotica in them. It's something that I'm reflecting on with each story to see if I can improve in this area.

Thanks! This adds to my understanding of where my stuff lies in the world of erotica. Yes, the "neutred tone" is intentional. But the phrase is new. It's valuable. Again, The Story of O is my touchstone. It's not that I'm trying to imitate it. I hadn't read it for almost fifty years until I revisited it after I wrote Twelve Maxbridge Street.

The Recurrence is very similar to Submission and Vignette, so no need to look at that, but I hope you'll look at Maxbridge and Enigma. Not because I think you'll like them, but because you're perceptive and have a way with words and may help me further explain my sensibility to myself. Maxbridge is definitely my best. Enigma tries to posit the remaining big question for me concerning the world of erotica.

I got a couple of paragraphs into 'Maxbridge' and realized that I had read it before! It makes sense as it was published around the time I was drafting 'Well-Situated' so I was probably reading a lot in the BDSM catagory at the time. It may be that when I said I'd seen similar styles of BDSM to yours on the site, I was thinking about this story (though I've seen others in a similar vein as well). I read it again with fresh eyes just now.

Having established our styles are completely opposite, there's certain feedback I could give which would probably feel somewhat redundant - for example, I'd spend much longer on Faranger's work-life before starting a session, but I now know you probably wouldn't, I won't dwell on it. However, I do feel that you could be a little tighter here in setting things up - For the first few paragraphs Faranger is referred to just as 'he'. That would be okay as a conceit to have the main character as an anonymous sub all the way throught the piece, but since you introduce his name at the start of the session, it seems a little weird not to just start with it. Your first few paragraphs talk about a 'perfect office' and 'life was good' - what you don't do is mention that the character is single (and lonely?) which obviously is important at the end of the story. Similiarly for the two employees, we get a vague sense that Farange doesn't like them but not much sense of how they might feel about him - he's apparently well-liked. Just one line mentioning the Pederson was passed up for promotion last year or Stephanie had been rebuked for being late last week could raise the tension later when the tables are turned (lazy examples, but hopefully you get my point).

Similarly I could comment that the session goes on for a bit too many pages, but again it's a matter of perpective - those who enjoy this style of erotica more than I do are probably enjoying it. That said, one issue I had with it is I quickly found myself wondering how long it would go on for and where, in story terms, it was all headed and I think there are small structural changes you could make that might have helped me find my way more. While I was writing this feedback up, I thought there were four stations rather than three and I think the reason for that was quite a lot happens in the preparation stage, so much so that it might be worth it having it's own chapter. It concluded with the idea that the MC has already gotten their money's worth before even starting which to some extent takes the drama out of what comes afterwards. Also Pederson and Stephanie disappear after this section until after the session is over - essentially meaning the most dramatic thing in the story is dealt with by the end of page one - if, for example, he was to see P&S in the lobby, exchange a few words with them and know they were on the final station then that would keep the reader in suspense a bit more. Afterwards, we get a series of mostly anonymous torturers and it doesn't (for me) quite live up to the psychologial tension at the beginning. Speaking of which, we get several names for the dommes (Cheryl, Eugenia), but you don't use them after the initial introduction making it a little hard to keep everyone straight.

I really liked the end of the story. I like the idea of meeting someone at these events and going to have a normal dating life - actually for me this would probably be the beginning of the story, not the end. Readers, including myself, may naturally want to know what this couple's sex life is like (and how Sandra got into being a sub), but it's probably wise to deny them and give them a sweeter ending.

The idea of Feranger saying to Pederson and Stephanie that there'd be no repucussions seems a little, well, odd to me. Sure, he's the boss, but the employees didn't seem worried about repucussions during the session and surely he's in as much professional danger as they are if he tries to punish them .

 

[TheRedChamber]

For 'An Enigma', I struggled with it a bit because it's essentially a reimagined excerpt from a book I haven't read. The scenario isn't that complicated, so rather than have a lengthy forward, where a reader might wonder if they're going to get anything from continuing, maybe just have one or two sentences acknowledging the source and spend a little more time on the set-up which isn't actually that complicated. One issue with not having read the story was that I was confused by the final scene, it took me a few rescans to confirm that Jamie had indeed been rescued as you gloss over how this happened. The final scene seems a little bit rushed especially the married couple sex in the last paragraph which, I think it's safe to say, doesn't get quite the same amount of love and attention from you as the gay BDSM!

One thing to note is that Jamie has a clear (slightly archiac) Scots dialect in the first few paragraphs of the story (Galgadon's writing?) but this disappears completely at the end.

 

[AG31]

Thanks for the comments you left on my stories. Yes, at the moment the most common (useful) critique I get is there's not enough sex/erotica in them. It's something that I'm reflecting on with each story to see if I can improve in this area.



I got a couple of paragraphs into 'Maxbridge' and realized that I had read it before! It makes sense as it was published around the time I was drafting 'Well-Situated' so I was probably reading a lot in the BDSM catagory at the time. It may be that when I said I'd seen similar styles of BDSM to yours on the site, I was thinking about this story (though I've seen others in a similar vein as well). I read it again with fresh eyes just now.

Having established our styles are completely opposite, there's certain feedback I could give which would probably feel somewhat redundant - for example, I'd spend much longer on Faranger's work-life before starting a session, but I now know you probably wouldn't, I won't dwell on it. However, I do feel that you could be a little tighter here in setting things up - For the first few paragraphs Faranger is referred to just as 'he'. That would be okay as a conceit to have the main character as an anonymous sub all the way throught the piece, but since you introduce his name at the start of the session, it seems a little weird not to just start with it. Your first few paragraphs talk about a 'perfect office' and 'life was good' - what you don't do is mention that the character is single (and lonely?) which obviously is important at the end of the story. Similiarly for the two employees, we get a vague sense that Farange doesn't like them but not much sense of how they might feel about him - he's apparently well-liked. Just one line mentioning the Pederson was passed up for promotion last year or Stephanie had been rebuked for being late last week could raise the tension later when the tables are turned (lazy examples, but hopefully you get my point).

Similarly I could comment that the session goes on for a bit too many pages, but again it's a matter of perpective - those who enjoy this style of erotica more than I do are probably enjoying it. That said, one issue I had with it is I quickly found myself wondering how long it would go on for and where, in story terms, it was all headed and I think there are small structural changes you could make that might have helped me find my way more. While I was writing this feedback up, I thought there were four stations rather than three and I think the reason for that was quite a lot happens in the preparation stage, so much so that it might be worth it having it's own chapter. It concluded with the idea that the MC has already gotten their money's worth before even starting which to some extent takes the drama out of what comes afterwards. Also Pederson and Stephanie disappear after this section until after the session is over - essentially meaning the most dramatic thing in the story is dealt with by the end of page one - if, for example, he was to see P&S in the lobby, exchange a few words with them and know they were on the final station then that would keep the reader in suspense a bit more. Afterwards, we get a series of mostly anonymous torturers and it doesn't (for me) quite live up to the psychologial tension at the beginning. Speaking of which, we get several names for the dommes (Cheryl, Eugenia), but you don't use them after the initial introduction making it a little hard to keep everyone straight.

I really liked the end of the story. I like the idea of meeting someone at these events and going to have a normal dating life - actually for me this would probably be the beginning of the story, not the end. Readers, including myself, may naturally want to know what this couple's sex life is like (and how Sandra got into being a sub), but it's probably wise to deny them and give them a sweeter ending.

The idea of Feranger saying to Pederson and Stephanie that there'd be no repucussions seems a little, well, odd to me. Sure, he's the boss, but the employees didn't seem worried about repucussions during the session and surely he's in as much professional danger as they are if he tries to punish them .

Thanks for taking the time to re-visit Maxbridge. I do appreciate the detailed observations about tension and lack of clarity. Maxbridge is on its 7th revision. I fine tune all the time and a number of your suggestions are appealing to me.

"(though I've seen others in a similar vein as well)." If you bump into any again, would you shoot me a message? I've literally found only eight others, and that's including erotica from the '70s.

I read three of your stories and made comments. I didn't dig into them the way I would in reply to a post in this sub-forum, but if you ever want some pre-publication editing I would be delighted to pitch in. Not that I think you particularly need it, but I do enjoy the fine tuning process, both as editor and author.

 

[AG31]

For 'An Enigma', I struggled with it a bit because it's essentially a reimagined excerpt from a book I haven't read. The scenario isn't that complicated, so rather than have a lengthy forward, where a reader might wonder if they're going to get anything from continuing, maybe just have one or two sentences acknowledging the source and spend a little more time on the set-up which isn't actually that complicated. One issue with not having read the story was that I was confused by the final scene, it took me a few rescans to confirm that Jamie had indeed been rescued as you gloss over how this happened. The final scene seems a little bit rushed especially the married couple sex in the last paragraph which, I think it's safe to say, doesn't get quite the same amount of love and attention from you as the gay BDSM!

One thing to note is that Jamie has a clear (slightly archiac) Scots dialect in the first few paragraphs of the story (Galgadon's writing?) but this disappears completely at the end.

Thanks. I'll try to come up with some clarifying stuff at the beginning and end. I'm going to leave in the parts of the long foreword that describe my struggles because what I'm about is as much finding out if there are people out there who are interested in the same kinds of questions as I am as in bumping up my count of readers. I'm content to inhabit a really tiny niche. (It's taken me a long time to realize that it is, in fact, really tiny... so I re-iterate my request for referrals if you bump into any.)

As for the accent... Yeah. I was aware of that discrepancy, but I just don't know how to write a Scottish accent. I'm going to look for a forum where I could post the dialogue at the end of the story and ask for a Scottish re-write.

And thanks again!!!!!

 

[TheRedChamber]

I read three of your stories and made comments. I didn't dig into them the way I would in reply to a post in this sub-forum, but if you ever want some pre-publication editing I would be delighted to pitch in. Not that I think you particularly need it, but I do enjoy the fine tuning process, both as editor and author.

Thanks, I might take you up on that as I probably need to spend more time in the editing process and get other eye's involved. Similarly if you want me to look at anything before publication, I'll be happy to do it.

 

[AG31]

Will do. Glad to make the connection.

 

[AG31]

Thanks, I might take you up on that as I probably need to spend more time in the editing process and get other eye's involved. Similarly if you want me to look at anything before publication, I'll be happy to do it.

Huh... I've been posting madly in Authors' Hangout over the past few weeks and did a search of my own posts and was amazed to see that I was very active about a year and a half ago. I found your extensive and interesting comments on stories I had posted in "feedback." When I explored it the other day I thought I'd never seen it before. I'm defintely going to revisit our earlier thread and figured out what stories, if any, I've posted since. I also read, just now, Well-Situated and when I went to post a very positive review I was startled to see my own previous review at the top.

Well... you can tell that my memory is not so great.

I hope you're still around in Lit to see this post!!

Likewise, if you're preparing any new stories that you'd like to have beta read, I enjoy that and am pretty good.