i've been released

[Kailey_86]

i asked my Dom to release me and He did. It hurt like hell and i am still hurting. i miss them both terribly. We all connected so well. i sort of feel alone now despite the many supportive people around me. NOBODY wanted me to be in this relationship. i can't handle the polyamory anyway. i just can't. i tried to get over my doubts and fears surounding the issue but they are too strong. i have too many bad feelings about it. It doesn't really matter though because i also feel like i deserve to have a man who will love me and only me. i shouldn't have to share. It's still so very hard to leave though.

i thought i would let everyone know what is going on because i know people were worried about me.

 

[Toa_lin]

I'm sorry, i know how happy you were at times, but I also knwo there were some down ones. I hope you find the Dom who you're looking for. My best wishes go with you.

 

[BiBunny]

I'm so sorry, kailey. My Master released me not too long ago (I posted a thread about it), and it was the worst thing that ever happened to me. While we're back together now, my heart was absolutely broken.

I can understand that you can't deal with the poly. I, personally, couldn't deal with someone who expected me to be monogamous. I'm just not wired for it, like you're not wired for poly. It's nothing to be ashamed of either way. (I'm sure you know this, but sometimes people beat themselves up over things they think they "should" have been able to deal with.)

My advice to you is to give yourself time to heal before anything else. We're all prone to do some really stupid things when we're hurting, things that we'll regret later. You don't want to compound the pain you're feeling by adding to it yourself. It's ok to grieve and hurt, contrary to what a lot of people will tell you. Then, when you feel that you're ready, you can look for a Dom who is more suited to your needs and wants. There are plenty of them out there.

I wish you the best of luck, and my heart goes out to you. I know it was a difficult decision. Congratulations for being strong enough to make it. Feel free to PM me if you need to talk.

 

[Kailey_86]

Thank you both. i have made some pretty big decisions recently and i am not really with it at the moment. Not only did i ask to be released but i quit my job. They were taking big advantage of me and i hated working there. i decided not to continue with school right now because i didn't really want the degree i was working on. i don't know what i want to do. i was just going to school to please my parents and society. Now i am thinking of moving out on my own...not sure if this is a good idea right now though. Not in my present state anyway. i think i will take some time to relax and get myself together.

i don't think i will be looking for a Dom right now as much as i want one. i know that i am too vulnerable. i would end up thinking He is my knight in shining armor. i have, however, known a Dom in my area for a while now and i am playing with Him. We know it would never work out for us in terms of a relationship so it's just play. We both know this. It's a way to escape for a while.

 

[callinectes]

Kailey, you need to throw out the anchor and stop to really think about everything you are doing. You appear to be on a path of self-destruction and are fueling it with some very rash decisions. Please, please slow down and take a while to step back, breathe deeply, and clear your head.

 

[Toa_lin]

Kailey, you need to throw out the anchor and stop to really think about everything you are doing. You appear to be on a path of self-destruction and are fueling it with some very rash decisions. Please, please slow down and take a while to step back, breathe deeply, and clear your head.

Agreed, you are making some big deicisins in a short time epriod. But sometimes, that's what's best in teh end... So I simply say, take your time to relax, collect your thoughts, get your lfie back under control. And this play thing with your friend, ias long as he truly does know that's all it is, i think that's actually a good idea and can help you have a base to ground yourself from.

 

[CutieMouse]

I know you don't want to be nagged, honey, and not knowing what you want from Life is really common at your age, but ending a relationship, a job, school, and taking on a new lover (BTW- Cat is quite correct in that mentoring relationships don't normally involve sex, and it's especailly inappropriate with someone who is in a fraglie place) all at the same time... it screams destructive, unhealthy behaviour.

Please consider finding someone to talk to- like a good therapist (IMO those with a Jungian background/training in psychodrama and biofeedback are most helpful) through the university's student aid programme.

 

[Netzach]

i decided not to continue with school right now because i didn't really want the degree i was working on.

Figure out which one you do want and do that. Don't derail yourself in this regard, trust me.

 

[Kailey_86]

All of the decisions were made based on the realization that i was living my life for other people.

i was staying at my job because i felt bad for leaving because they were short-handed.

i was going to college and getting a degree i didn't really want because i thought my mom would be disappointed if i didn't. i also thought that i wouldn't be as valuable as a human being which is not so.

i asked for release from my Dom because i think i deserve to not have to share.

i think that although these decisions seem self-destructive, they are actually very positive. i am shifting to the life i want to live and that is a good thing. i am learning that i am valuable as a person. i am developing self-worth. i am developing self-esteem. i am making my own decisions and doing what i want to do.

With all that said, i will be taking the next 3 weeks or so to relax, calm down, and collect my thoughts. i am proud of the decisions i made and i am comfortable and looking forward to what is happening next. i have decided that too and i am sticking with it because it feels right. It feels more right than anything has in a while because it is what i want.

After i take the time to relax and sharpen the saw so to speak, i am going to see a therapist. That is certain. i need to get over the effects that my stepdad had on me.

i will stay living here instead of moving in with my dad in Montreal. i have a support system of friends and the family i feel closest to here. i know the area and i feel safe here.

i will get a job at the airport. i love the travel industry, everything about it, and that is what i have wanted to do for a while. i might not do that forever but it is what i want right now. If that doesn't pan out, i will get a respectable, higher paying job somewhere else. Something that i can be proud of.

i will continue seeing this lover because i want to and that is all there is to it. He is not taking advantage of me. He was hesitant in doing this with me because i was vulnerable however We have talked about it and We feel that We can do this safely without either of us developing feelings.

i will not go back to school until i know what i want. i don't need debt.

i feel good about this. This is what i want. i am thinking clearly when i say this. My reaction to the changes was negative. It's hard to realize that i have been lying to myself all this time. It's hard to realize that i have been wrong in so many ways about so many things. i have figured it out though, finally.

 

[catalina_francisco]

LOL, one thing I will say for you K, everything you do or decide seems to be quick and sudden and in your words always is 'right' at that moment...might be why many here feel you are pushing yourself and in a rush to get and do everything you feel is worthwhile or necessary. Take a little time, the journey is always as important if not more so than the destination.

Catalina

 

[Evil_Geoff]

My condolences on ending your relationship, I know that it was not an easy decision to make and it's producing some serious pain for you right now. But understanding your needs and desires, and acting to fulfill them, while it can bring short term pain, should produce long term benefits.

Unlike BiBunny who is clearly polyamorous and needs that in her life, I like to think of myself as "poly-capable", meaning that while it isn't a need for me, I am mature enough and flexible enough to incorporate it in my relationships. *grins impishly* Especially when it lets me hang out with, and cuddle, and nuzzle, and kiss, and play with, and love, two beautiful, hot, sexy women! Woo-freakin-HOO! And those of you who come to Atlanta January 6th will get to meet both remarkable women in my life...

But poly isn't for everyone, it hasn't been a major factor in my life except for two relationships. Personally, I think it was very courageous of you to make the tough decision, to recognize _your_ needs and desires, and to take action to end a relationship that was not going to fulfill those needs or desires.

It's tough kailey, I know. And you know that no one here would fuss or raise an eyebrow or say boo if we didn't care. Friends speak from the heart, they offer advice, and then they stand by and let you make your decision... and they celebrate the successful outcome or smack you upside the head and tell you "I TOLD you so!" when you fall on your face. *grins* And we help you get up, dust off and go at it again...

So here's a {{{{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}}}}

Just because!

 

[FurryFury]

I know you don't want to be nagged, honey, and not knowing what you want from Life is really common at your age, but ending a relationship, a job, school, and taking on a new lover (BTW- Cat is quite correct in that mentoring relationships don't normally involve sex, and it's especailly inappropriate with someone who is in a fraglie place) all at the same time... it screams destructive, unhealthy behaviour.

Please consider finding someone to talk to- like a good therapist (IMO those with a Jungian background/training in psychodrama and biofeedback are most helpful) through the university's student aid programme.

Figure out which one you do want and do that. Don't derail yourself in this regard, trust me.

Both of the above posts are GREAT advice.

In most cases if you do not get a college degree your choices in the job market will be very limited. Also it is most likely the amount of money you make over your life time will be much lower. You may hate college. I know I did.

However in times of emotional upheaval I tend to try to follow this rule, don't make too many changes at once. And this one, try to find out what you DO think will make you happier and improve you life before cutting off a specific part of it. Then work towards that.

*hugs*

Your world sounds pretty topsy turvy right now. The choice about college may be one that will have you looking back with regret your whole life.

The job is hourly I'm guessing. No big loss there. It's hard to keep those jobs filled.

The Master and relationship wasn't best for you. That's understandable. You are young and there are plenty more fish so to speak. In fact you have already slept with one and are happy about it. Good for you.

The one that worries me is college. Unless you come up with a plan you may find yourself making little better than minimum wage your whole life or relying on someone else for money. Those are the best options IMO.

BTW, did I hear it was was your birthday? If so, Happy birthday!

Fury

 

[CutieMouse]

It does sound like you are aproaching the lovely state of chaos, with as much awareness as possible. It's always best to live life for yourself, instead of others- but please know that sometimes living for yourself means sucking up and doing crap you don't like, or understand (at the time) to be worthwhile. Taking a break, talking with a therapist, and refocusing sounds like a good plan.

The only thing that really really really worries me is your decision regarding college. There are always degree-neutral courses to take, to help you move along the path of obtaining a degree, that will benifit you in Life, that can be taken while deciding what that path will be. It isn't a waste of money. At 20 I thought it was a waste of money; at almost 35 I can tell you- it isn't a waste of money.

 

[Kailey_86]

i understand why everyone is telling me that i should stay in school but it's not like the option to go back won't be there later. i know that it will probably be more difficult later because i will be dealing with things like bills and a job and whatnot however, if i want it bad enough, i will do it. A college degree seems to be a huge degree in the states. It isn't like that everywhere though. This is what i was talking about in terms of pressure from society. i don't need a degree and a high paying job to be happy. i can be perfectly content with a job that supports me and leaves a little extra on the side for fun. i don't want a degree right now and i know i can find a job that will support me because i have LOTS of family in that position in Canada. i was worried at first but i asked around and my family is doing well with the jobs that they have. My mom got a liberal arts degree and is now working 2 jobs and is just barely supporting our family. i am sticking to my guns on this one. i might regret it later, who knows, but like i said, i can always go back. If i want something bad enough or if i am unhappy enough, i will change something to make it work. This is why i am going through these changes now. It's hard but it's what i need to do to be happy.

 

[Betticus]

i asked my Dom to release me and He did. It hurt like hell and i am still hurting. i miss them both terribly. We all connected so well. i sort of feel alone now despite the many supportive people around me. NOBODY wanted me to be in this relationship. i can't handle the polyamory anyway. i just can't. i tried to get over my doubts and fears surounding the issue but they are too strong. i have too many bad feelings about it. It doesn't really matter though because i also feel like i deserve to have a man who will love me and only me. i shouldn't have to share. It's still so very hard to leave though.

i thought i would let everyone know what is going on because i know people were worried about me.

*pets* *hugs*

 

[Netzach]

If 8-10 people who aren't all insane suggest the same thing I always find it worth some harder consideration. Then again, we're just the internet.

Good luck, though, you seem to know what you want.

 

[Etoile]

i understand why everyone is telling me that i should stay in school but it's not like the option to go back won't be there later. i know that it will probably be more difficult later because i will be dealing with things like bills and a job and whatnot however, if i want it bad enough, i will do it. A college degree seems to be a huge degree in the states. It isn't like that everywhere though. This is what i was talking about in terms of pressure from society. i don't need a degree and a high paying job to be happy. i can be perfectly content with a job that supports me and leaves a little extra on the side for fun. i don't want a degree right now and i know i can find a job that will support me because i have LOTS of family in that position in Canada. i was worried at first but i asked around and my family is doing well with the jobs that they have. My mom got a liberal arts degree and is now working 2 jobs and is just barely supporting our family. i am sticking to my guns on this one. i might regret it later, who knows, but like i said, i can always go back. If i want something bad enough or if i am unhappy enough, i will change something to make it work. This is why i am going through these changes now. It's hard but it's what i need to do to be happy.

If your mind's made up, I can't change it. I can only tell you that, with 10 years of hindsight, I realize now that dropping out of college was the biggest mistake I have made in my life. More than anything. I have lots more mistakes to come, but the biggest mistakes are the ones made early on, because of the way they alter your life. For me, dropping out of school was a huge mistake. I hope it works out for you the way you want it to.

 

[Betticus]

Oh yeah, stay in school. Once you stop it's way too easy to not go back.

 

[callinectes]

I have to chime in with everyone else wth regards to quitting school. I quit after my freshman year, worked crappy jobs for five years and realized that I just couldn't hack that for the rest of my life. I went back, paid my way through, worked at a job I HATED because it paid well and had flexible hours. It took 4 years to finish (with one already under my belt before I quit). It was a very tough four years and there were times I really wanted to throw in the towel. It sucked. You don't want to do it that way. You really don't. Take advantage of the safety of living at home and going to school.

Sure, you *might* be able to find a decent paying job without a degree, but even then your benefits will probably be very limited. Trust me, boring things life and health insurance, a decent retirement plan, and vacation/sick leave become really important as you get older.

Relationship wise..I understand your breaking up with your first Dom. You weren't happy and there it no reason to stay in a relationship without the hope of happiness. What concerns me about this new man you are seeing is that is so quick on the heels of the break-up. I know you say you are keeping it no strings attached..but that is very difficult to do. Kailey, I hesitate to point this out becuase it seems so snarky..but you were head over heels with your first Dom right out of the gate..your history doesn't indicate you will be able to refrain from developing a serious attachment to the new guy. I just don't want to see you end up in another painful situation.

Please don't feel like we are ganging up on you or are criticizing you. All of us only want you to be happy and safe. Many of us are twice your age and have been there, done that, and have the t-shirt. We know what you are feeling, we are only offering advice based on our experiences and out of concern for you. Please try to take it all in the spirit in which it is offered.

 

[Kailey_86]

*crying*

What do i do? Everytime i feel like i have found what i want, i have figured out what will make me happy, it ends up either not working out, not being what i expected, or not being right in the eyes of others. When should i take advice and when should i stick to my guns? i don't know.

i SHOULD probably stay in school but what degree should i get? i don't know what i want to do. Most people would tell me to get a liberal arts degree. What job is that going to help me get? i know for a fact that i can't do another 4 years of this. This past year and a half has been hard enough. i am not a book learner. i learn through experience. What is even harder is doing something that i have absolutely no motivation to do.

What do i do? i don't want to stay living with my family because they are definatly not helping in any way. That is a whole other story that i don't have the time or energy to go into right now. Please believe me when i say that this isn't an environment that promotes success. The thing is, i can't afford to move out on my own right now and if i moved in with my dad, things would be even worse.

Do i risk losing lots of time and money on school because i might not pass because of lack of motivation and a poor living environment? Do i risk having a sucky life becuase i don't go to college? Where am i more likely to be happy? Obviously only i can answer this question. i can't figure out the answer though. i don't know how i feel. Too much input. i am in overload.

 

[Chicklet]

If your mind's made up, I can't change it. I can only tell you that, with 10 years of hindsight, I realize now that dropping out of college was the biggest mistake I have made in my life. More than anything. I have lots more mistakes to come, but the biggest mistakes are the ones made early on, because of the way they alter your life. For me, dropping out of school was a huge mistake. I hope it works out for you the way you want it to.

ditto

after dropping out 'cause i didn't know what exactly to major in, i've given myself one excuse after another for not going back. and now i'm 25 ><

i'm really sorry about your relationship... but you have to keep your schooling as a priority in your life. it'll help you so so much in the future.

 

[Kailey_86]

i want to apologize for frustrating anyone with all of this craziness. i feel bad for doing that. my mother just voiced her frustrations with me. i am just trying to figure out who i am and what i am doing. i am trying to take people's experiences and opinions to heart. i am doing my best.

 

[Chicklet]

i SHOULD probably stay in school but what degree should i get? i don't know what i want to do. Most people would tell me to get a liberal arts degree. What job is that going to help me get? i know for a fact that i can't do another 4 years of this. This past year and a half has been hard enough. i am not a book learner. i learn through experience. What is even harder is doing something that i have absolutely no motivation to do.

you don't have to stick with the major you choose. just take classes that sound interesting, and a couple years down the line you can scoop them together and see what you appear to be headed for.

see one of the school counselors, they should be able to point you in a direction of a major, or else advise you on how to stay in school without a definite major in mind.

my ex boyfriend changed his major three times in college, and then when he graduated he decided to go back for a completely unrelated degree.

 

[Chicklet]

i want to apologize for frustrating anyone with all of this craziness. i feel bad for doing that. my mother just voiced her frustrations with me. i am just trying to figure out who i am and what i am doing. i am trying to take people's experiences and opinions to heart. i am doing my best.

it's what all of us random internet people you've befriended are for. don't worry about venting. it's a lot better to do it here than in the face of people who might be hurt personally by what you have to say.

 

[shy slave]

Hi Kailey

Life has been a real rollercoaster for you recently.

I have read your posts since you arrived in Lit with great interest as you have moved from one phase into another of your life.

Sometimes I have been concerned about your actions, but others have better ways of expressing that than me, other times I have wanted to cheer for you.

Being able to see a relationship you liked was the wrong one for you was one of the times I cheered. What a hard and difficult decision that was. Yet, you faced it head on.

As for the other changes, again you are facing them 'head on.'

I have not experienced things in my life they way you have in yours.

You said about an arts degree and wondered what job it would get you.
It may not get you a job in the arts, what it does is show an employer that you have the academic ability and the emotional ability to attain a level of knowledge. Useful in any job that involves learning new skills. Being in college and working through a whole range of difficult situations also tells an employer you can stick to things when life gets hard. It makes you seem a better employee than someone who did not complete college.

It doesn't matter what you study, it matters that you stick with it. Going back and trying to complete it all later isn't easy. Other things in life get in the way.

You seem like a person who can be assertive and wants to be proud of themselves for all they have coped with, college is another aspect of helping you stand upright.

I am not preaching, God knows, in the past year I have made some huge errors about my life.
Please take this next comment as a wry look on life: I find it easier to give advice than follow it.

Whatever you decide to do, I hope you feel you are doing it for all the right reasons.