It's Official... You're a Switch?

[Ms_Lilith]

So you spend the last year of your life learning about your submissive or dominant side, seeking out people to help you learn and nourish that part of your personality. You're just coming to terms with this new sexuality that you've discovered in yourself... and then you have an experience that challenges your newfound dominance or submissiveness. All of a sudden, you're so tempted to play the other role. But you pass it off as a learning experience, and that it was that particular person who maybe brought it out in you.

It was nothing.

And then you have another experience like that. One that cements in you that, with a certain kind of person, or certain gender, you will act out the opposite role that you just discovered in yourself.

And now you're confused.





I'm a submissive. At least, I think I am. It's like I've gone full-circle... I came to Lit, thought I might be submissive, learned that I was... and then had one of those experiences that confused me... I played with a woman online, and found that I took the leading roll.

I figured it could still be viewed as submission, in a way... as all I wanted was to serve her, to please her, my motivations were submissive, but my actions were less than submissive. But okay. That's a gray area.

Recently, I was blessed enough to begin getting to know a wonderful woman. And recently, she and I began playing together online and on the phone. And once again, I have taken the leading role. Maybe because she's shy, I become more dominant, and maybe it's again that drive in me to please. All I wanted was to make her float on air, in ecstacy.. all I want is to make her smile.. I'm sending her notes telling her she's on my mind, and sending her virtual cards, letting her know she's special.

I could worship this woman.... and yet... she is in no way dominant, and I still want to serve.

But when we are intimate... though I'm not commanding, and I make no orders or requests... I find that I am the one to initiate things and instigate things. And I am not like that with men. I am rarely ever like that.

I am confused.


For those of you who've been on this journey, who've discovered one side of your sexuality, only to have that discovery added to by the discovery of 'switchdom', please, tell me how you dealt with the confusion... please let me know how you got through it, and how you decided that yes, you are a switch.

I don't even know what to call myself... and I don't need a lable.. I just...

I'm confused.

 

[RandomInk]

I'm the same way, I love to serve in please my partner. Yet, I'll always instigate situations or take initiative to pleasure them. They say nothing, ask nothing, I just act and I'm happy thinking that I'm submitting to them. I've faced the same dilemma you're having, but I found a more dominating side to me, something more carnal. I'll still take the initiative to pleasure my partner, who ever I'm with at the time, but now I do it more for myself. That I'm making them happy gives me pleasure. When I'm done though I'll enforce my role as the dominant figure. Which, once again, makes me happy because I know they're enjoyinging it.

 

[lark sparrow]

It doesn't seem that odd to me, vixen.

I am a submissive, lesbian and owned by a Domme (LDR), but when I first started exploring BDSM (IRL) I experimented and did some switching. I could and still can (were it desired and allowed) easily play with a male while being in the top role during a scene, but, I have absolutely no desire to be a Domme, nor do I have any desire to have sex with men. I haven't met a Dominant male that I would be eager to bottom to, but couldn't utterly rule it out for a specific, limited scene either.

Generally speaking, I don't have very much desire to top women sexually, and prefer to bottom though in vanilla relationships there is usually someone who is a bit more aggressive in some areas, though it does not necessarily translate into Dominance and submission. There are all sort of factors that play into BDSM and sexuality - each of us being unique and never entirely fitting into one box or another except in the most general of terms.

I can easily see someone being primarily submissive in a BDSM sense, but being more aggressive in general sexual terms, as well as reacting differently with men or women. Perhaps it's simply active submissive tendencies, rather than passive ones - if you are more comfortable with a submissive label, as they can occur either way.

 

[Ms_Lilith]

Thank you both... I'm goign to have to think on your comments for a while before I post on them, but I welcome the opinions of others as well.

 

[silent_bliss]

Switching

I felt compelled to comment on this subject since it is something i have wondered about myself and discussed long and hard with One.

I hate labels.. despise them.. i met my One online, He collared me later and We spent time together rt. Within the time of Our relationship this subject came up often.

I am a sub at heart, i enjoy doing things for my One and seeing that smile upon His face as i do and the words of praise for a job well done.. but at some point in our relationship things just went topsy turvy all of a sudden we both just felt as if the roles had reversed.. i still wanted to please Him.. and yet i found that i wanted to control Him. He confessed that He had always wondered if He was a Top or a switch seeing as how he had learned to do some Topping from the bottom in other relationships but was never confortable to tell His subs at the time, but he was also adament that He could never be a full time sub.

We spent along time debating this, we both knew how our Lifestyle friends felt about Switches. that they were players or just not of the lifestyle and only liked kinky sex, along with many other unkind things and in our case that was never the truth.

We talked alot.. debated on not telling friends and decided a label was not for Us.. we were content in who we were and in many ways we complimented each other, without words we seemed to know when the other needed to "switch" and it was a mutual thing, sometimes lasting a day.. somtimes over a month,,, then as before it changed and we went back to "normal"

I know i am rambeling here and i had a line of thought i was on ~lol~ but i guess i wanted to know if this happens wtih others as well and to let others know they are not alone in being confused. as much as i hate labels and choose not to tie myself down by them i also understand the need to know O/onessself and find out just where you stand. Be it Switching with your SO.. or switching with another as long as you are comfortable with yourself what does a label really mean?

 

[Ms_Lilith]

Re: Switching

we both knew how our Lifestyle friends felt about Switches. that they were players or just not of the lifestyle and only liked kinky sex, along with many other unkind things and in our case that was never the truth.

I can relate to this line, but not in a D/s situation... I'm bisexual. Many people believe that bisexuals are only in it for as much sex as they can get.... I'm not in it for just sex... granted, I enjoy being intimate with both genders, but I've loved both genders as well... and I am openminded with those in a third, or undecided gender...

 

[Shadowsdream]

There are as many reasons for switching roles as there are people to switch...one is no more important or less valid than another.
Sometimes the switching causes huge emotional turmoil when it causes one to question the whys they are doing it...which often takes away from the real pleasure it should be bringing.
Many feel that switching is necessary to taste both sides and learn how the other feels in an opposite position.
Others switch in this lifestyle because anything is better than nothing until their real magic comes along.
Some submissives dominate as a way of serving and have a deep discomfort with it that they try to mask in their desire for the happiness of their Dominant.
Some Dominants submit to allow their submissive to test all of their possible needs and find themselves in a permanent submissive role eventually.
Others switch because they truly need every aspect on both sides of the whip to be completely fullfilled.
Switching does not make you more or less of a D/s kinkster...but bending Your knee or swinging a whip AGAINST your nature will cause you confusion.
I hope that no one allows the opinions of others (outside of their own relationship) to effect the journey they must take in their own self discovery.

 

[absinthecinder]

<SNIP>
For those of you who've been on this journey, who've discovered one side of your sexuality, only to have that discovery added to by the discovery of 'switchdom', please, tell me how you dealt with the confusion... please let me know how you got through it, and how you decided that yes, you are a switch.
<SNIP>

As someone who's been discovering her own sexuality for almost twenty years, I can understand the confusion about switching. For me, it's more frustrating than anything else. Purist lifestylers can be really snotty regarding switches.

I've found that whether I'm dominant or submissive (or whether I top or bottom) relates completely to the person(s) I am with. I could never be in a 24/7. At least I don't think so now, but I should be careful when I blurt things like that. That never word can be such a bitch sometimes.

 

[RisiaSkye]

Re: Re: It's Official... You're a Switch?

As someone who's been discovering her own sexuality for almost twenty years, I can understand the confusion about switching. For me, it's more frustrating than anything else. Purist lifestylers can be really snotty regarding switches.

That they can.
And, on the flip side, sometimes switches can be very snotty about who should use the label to apply to themselves. Personally, for instance, I'm hesitant to suggest that an online and telephone relationship in which one is instigator but not Dominant indicates switching tendencies. To me, that doesn't sound particularly relevant. But, I'm self-aware enough to realize that's my own issue; it's not relevant to me.

I've found that whether I'm dominant or submissive (or whether I top or bottom) relates completely to the person(s) I am with. I could never be in a 24/7. At least I don't think so now, but I should be careful when I blurt things like that. That never word can be such a bitch sometimes.

I made this same claim myself, once. Now I'm years into a 24/7 relationship...and I've never stopped switching. Nor has my partner. Life's funny sometimes.

That "never" word so often comes back to haunt us, doesn't it?

vixenshe, for what it's worth, my advice is simple: Stop putting so much pressure on yourself. Every relationship is unique unto itself, and your proper role in that relationship will become obvious to you if you allow it to develop according to the chemistry, communication, and capabilities of everyone involved. You don't have to have the answers today, or ever. The "answers" are usually only to appease others, anyway.

Be well, everyone.
,
RS

 

[Ms_Lilith]

Re: Re: Re: It's Official... You're a Switch?

vixenshe, for what it's worth, my advice is simple: Stop putting so much pressure on yourself. Every relationship is unique unto itself, and your proper role in that relationship will become obvious to you if you allow it to develop according to the chemistry, communication, and capabilities of everyone involved. You don't have to have the answers today, or ever. The "answers" are usually only to appease others, anyway.

Be well, everyone.
,
RS [/B]

Thank you for your comments about self-pressure, RS... that was needed.

I am taking it easier on myself, and just enjoying the inner Domme that I've found...

 

[absinthecinder]

Re: Re: Re: It's Official... You're a Switch?

I made this same claim myself, once. Now I'm years into a 24/7 relationship...and I've never stopped switching. Nor has my partner. Life's funny sometimes.

That "never" word so often comes back to haunt us, doesn't it?

Yep, sure does. Even though I'm bisexual I once said I couldn't be in a LTR with a woman without a man as well, and if my words were edible, I'd still be eating the "v" in never. Life is often downright hysterical.

Every relationship is unique unto itself...

What should be simple to understand often isn't. Intuitively we know relationships are unique, but then we watch Dr. Phil and try to make ours fit into some niche. It just doesn't work that way.

(Off Topic) And I'm very mad at Dr. Phil for the way he treated a TV dad the other week. After all, he's a TV dad himself, just another kind of TV.

Happy hump day to all!

 

[Private_Label]

Bringing this up again...

Hmmm... OK, I have been reading about Dom and Sub and bits and pieces about Switches...

Is it just that Switches are a rare breed, or that people prefer to lable themselves as one or the other side of the fence?

Since I don't have any real time experience with this and my on-line experience is with one person who wanted me to be his sub (long story that I am not going to go into at this time)... I have a few questions & comments that I'd like a few opinions on...

Instigator of sex ... is this always a Dom or is it possible for a Sub to instigate the sexual situation occasionally, especially if she knows her D would like/appreciate her doing that. I've instigated once or twice - but he usually would take over during the scene once I set the fantasy in place... Shadowsdream has said that the Instigator is the Dom/Top earlier in this thread...

Alpha sub... the times I have seen this mentioned it usually revolved around having additional subs that called her mistress... is there a difference between this behaviour and that of a Switch who is polyamourous?

If you are a switch and in a LTR is it with someone who is switch as well, or is it with a D or s? If you have been in LTR of different kinds, what did you like about each and what did you not like?

Delegation of responsibilities... there are some areas of the power exchange that seem to be equivalent - it just depends on how you want to use the label... for example:

A Dominant handling the financial matters of the household, and a Sub being given the task of managing the financial matters of the household.

A dominant clean the house because he likes it done more often/more detailed etc. than his sub(s) do... A sub being given the task to clean the house because she is more detailed etc. than the Dom.

I'm still considering a lot of things...

 

[Technodivinitas]

I could worship this woman.... and yet... she is in no way dominant, and I still want to serve.

But when we are intimate... though I'm not commanding, and I make no orders or requests... I find that I am the one to initiate things and instigate things. And I am not like that with men. I am rarely ever like that.

I am confused.


For those of you who've been on this journey, who've discovered one side of your sexuality, only to have that discovery added to by the discovery of 'switchdom', please, tell me how you dealt with the confusion... please let me know how you got through it, and how you decided that yes, you are a switch.

I don't even know what to call myself... and I don't need a lable.. I just...

I'm confused.

Well, you may or may not be a switch, and I don't know you nearly well enough to know. But this doesn't sound like Dominant, my dear- it sounds like you're in Love. Your desires are not covetous, your intentions not to own or control her. Your Bliss seems to be coming from a still entirely submissive place.

And you're certainly right- you don't need a label. If you're happy, and she's happy, then why question it? Just be it. It sounds as if you've found something that's truly unique and precious. Congratulations!

For my own experience, I'm convinced I have an inner, secret, closet Domme, but as you suggested, only the right people can bring it out of me. The Domme in me is no conquerer. She is a Goddess. She does not want to go through endless efforts to win the trust or the worship of a submissive... She only comes forth when she is inherantly recognized, and worship is lain before Her. It's happened a few times, only once that was clear enough to get my attention, and yes, as you suggested, that was with a woman. A gloriously beautiful submissive, who fell in love with me while I wasn't looking, and who offered her worship unasked for. She was (IS!) beautiful, and courageous, and one of the most perfect slaves I have ever known, and I adore her in return, but wouldn't allow the relationship to be more than a fling, and then adoring each other fro afar, because I know that the Domme in me would be thrilled, but the submissive which is most of my soul would be lost and unfulfilled. Still, I love her, and still, I've never met a woman I could so completely desire.

The difference is, when I Dommed her, I was overwhelmed with the desire to control her. The desire to demonstrate my capacity to lead her down, and to keep her there.

Yep. I'm a switch. But only barely.

 

[Technodivinitas]

Oh, and...

Master was admiring your av. That made me giggle, as I suddenly realized, our tits are having a girl chat. *LOL*

 

[Ms_Lilith]

For the two of you who posted more recently (as this thread is two years old now), I wanted to let you know that the last two years have been a journey, and that I am now openly, and rather solidly switch. I enjoy and revel in either role, I have skill as a Top and bottom, as a Domme and sub, and I am an equal opportunity Sado-maso.

And thank your Master, Techno, I'm flattered.