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Guest
Guest
Ok Maybe it is.
In a mood to tell a few jokes today. Enjoy.
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror, complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds." Puzzled but willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
"How long will this take?" I ask. "They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies. I stop. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"
Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your ass, didn't it?"
He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again one day. Stupid, stupid man.
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There is a factory in America, which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm. A new employee is hired At the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8am.
The next day at 8.45am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands the new employee surrounded by Mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge Bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday - your job is to give each Elmo two test tickles!"
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A man goes into the unemployment office in Bonnells Bay to look at job openings on the bulletin board. Since there aren't many jobs it doesn't take him long. Then, just as he's on his way out, he spots something. "Wanted," it says, "Single man, willing to travel, must have own scissors and razor. $500 per day, guaranteed, plus a company car and all expenses paid."
Well, it sounds a bit too good to be true, but he makes a note and walks up to the counter. "I'd like to apply for this job," he says, "reference number E/784/B46." "Oh, that one," says the clerk. "It's a modelling agency right here in Bonnells Bay. They're looking for a 'pubic-hair stylist'."
"The agency supplies girls who model underwear and bathing suits. Before they go on the catwalk, they'd report to you and you would inspect them carefully and snip off any wisps of pubic hair showing. It pays well, but there are a few drawbacks. It involves quite a lot of travel. The Bahamas, Tahiti, Paris, London... that sort of thing... and you have to get used to expense account living in first-class hotels."
"I reckon I could learn to live with all that," says the fellow. "I'd really like to apply for the job." The clerk shrugs and says, "OK, here's an application form and a bus ticket to Sydney." "Sydney? What do I wanna go to Sydney for?" "Well," says the clerk, "that's where the end of the application line is at the moment!"
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A woman's husband dies with $30,000 to his name. After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery she tells her closest friend that there is none of the $30,000 left. The friend says, "How can that be? The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost me $6,500. And of course I made a donation to the church. That was $500, and I spent another $500 for the wake, food and drinks, you know... The rest went for the memorial stone." The friend says, "$22,500 for the memorial stone? My God, how big is it?" "Three carats!" replies the widow.
In a mood to tell a few jokes today. Enjoy.
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror, complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds." Puzzled but willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
"How long will this take?" I ask. "They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies. I stop. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"
Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your ass, didn't it?"
He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again one day. Stupid, stupid man.
------------------------------------
There is a factory in America, which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm. A new employee is hired At the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8am.
The next day at 8.45am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands the new employee surrounded by Mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge Bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday - your job is to give each Elmo two test tickles!"
------------------------------
A man goes into the unemployment office in Bonnells Bay to look at job openings on the bulletin board. Since there aren't many jobs it doesn't take him long. Then, just as he's on his way out, he spots something. "Wanted," it says, "Single man, willing to travel, must have own scissors and razor. $500 per day, guaranteed, plus a company car and all expenses paid."
Well, it sounds a bit too good to be true, but he makes a note and walks up to the counter. "I'd like to apply for this job," he says, "reference number E/784/B46." "Oh, that one," says the clerk. "It's a modelling agency right here in Bonnells Bay. They're looking for a 'pubic-hair stylist'."
"The agency supplies girls who model underwear and bathing suits. Before they go on the catwalk, they'd report to you and you would inspect them carefully and snip off any wisps of pubic hair showing. It pays well, but there are a few drawbacks. It involves quite a lot of travel. The Bahamas, Tahiti, Paris, London... that sort of thing... and you have to get used to expense account living in first-class hotels."
"I reckon I could learn to live with all that," says the fellow. "I'd really like to apply for the job." The clerk shrugs and says, "OK, here's an application form and a bus ticket to Sydney." "Sydney? What do I wanna go to Sydney for?" "Well," says the clerk, "that's where the end of the application line is at the moment!"
------------------------------------
A woman's husband dies with $30,000 to his name. After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery she tells her closest friend that there is none of the $30,000 left. The friend says, "How can that be? The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost me $6,500. And of course I made a donation to the church. That was $500, and I spent another $500 for the wake, food and drinks, you know... The rest went for the memorial stone." The friend says, "$22,500 for the memorial stone? My God, how big is it?" "Three carats!" replies the widow.
