It's not really working out, but...

[Cirrus]

I'm in a bit of a bind here, and not the good kinky kind.

My Dom and I are having problems that I don't think are fixable. We're just not compatible. He's not the asshole, and I'm not the asshole, we just don't work together. He's an optimist and I'm a pessimist, he's funny and outgoing in social situations where I'm more shy and reserved, he keeps a handle on his emotions-whatever they may be, where I like to express them, he walks away from an argument where I like to hash it out. We're just opposites. And though we attract, we don't complement each other.

Just last night we got into another round. I had "one of those weeks" last week. Everything that could go wrong did. I got overwhelmed. It as all minor stuff, but it was about a dozen different things. He started with the "you're too pesimistic, I care about you and want you to be happy" schtick again. I believe it, you know, but it's just not ME. Then I handed him "well, if you don't like how I am, no one is making you stay with me." This in turn, lead to the "don't give me a fucking ultimatum" argument. Another way we're different. I don't see it as an ulitmatum. I see it as a choice. If he's hungry, and all I have is pizza, and he doesn't want pizza, he can do a few different things 1) eat the pizza and be unhappy 2) go hungry or 3) go somewhere else to eat.

I love him. I really do. With all my heart and soul. And it is, for this very reason, that I think he deserves someone more compatible with him. Yes, it will hurt if we split up but I won't die. I'll meet someone else and so will he after the pain wears off.

But here's the deal. The sex is fucking fantastic. That's the one aspect on which we DO connect. Is it worth sticking it out for that reason? Either way, do we sound salvagable to any of you?

 

[Ebonyfire]

I'm in a bit of a bind here, and not the good kinky kind.

My Dom and I are having problems that I don't think are fixable. We're just not compatible. He's not the asshole, and I'm not the asshole, we just don't work together. He's an optimist and I'm a pessimist, he's funny and outgoing in social situations where I'm more shy and reserved, he keeps a handle on his emotions-whatever they may be, where I like to express them, he walks away from an argument where I like to hash it out. We're just opposites. And though we attract, we don't complement each other.

Just last night we got into another round. I had "one of those weeks" last week. Everything that could go wrong did. I got overwhelmed. It as all minor stuff, but it was about a dozen different things. He started with the "you're too pesimistic, I care about you and want you to be happy" schtick again. I believe it, you know, but it's just not ME. Then I handed him "well, if you don't like how I am, no one is making you stay with me." This in turn, lead to the "don't give me a fucking ultimatum" argument. Another way we're different. I don't see it as an ulitmatum. I see it as a choice. If he's hungry, and all I have is pizza, and he doesn't want pizza, he can do a few different things 1) eat the pizza and be unhappy 2) go hungry or 3) go somewhere else to eat.

I love him. I really do. With all my heart and soul. And it is, for this very reason, that I think he deserves someone more compatible with him. Yes, it will hurt if we split up but I won't die. I'll meet someone else and so will he after the pain wears off.

But here's the deal. The sex is fucking fantastic. That's the one aspect on which we DO connect. Is it worth sticking it out for that reason? Either way, do we sound salvagable to any of you?

Just out of curiosity, how old are you?

Eb

 

[RainCrow]

I do have to pipe in. Because recently I have come to deal with a similar situation. Everyone's going to have different advice to tell you in the end go with what your guts telling you. Personally if it were me I would say go for the Friends with benefits. But if you don't work that way or that's impossible between the two of you, which it may be. Break it off. Thats my two cents. Good luck

 

[Cirrus]

Eb- I'm 25, why?

 

[Ebonyfire]

Eb- I'm 25, why?

Hormones. Get your hormone system checked out, and your thyroid. Your tendency toward pessimism could have a medical basis.

That was my first thought.

Secondly, I was thinking that if you cool off while finding if your hormones are playing with you, you might be able to work on a compromise if you want to stay in the relationship.

But it is your choice.

Eb

 

[Shadowsdream]

My advise would be fairly standard here and reflects in no way on your relationship in any personal way.

There is no sense flogging a dead horse. If you recognize that negative and positive cannot meet in the middle and communication is impossible then you delay the inevitable.

If BOTH of you feel the sex is worth the arguments or the beginning of distancing you have begun to feel is worth continuing under the umbrella of BDSM it is worth sticking it out.

If one or the other of you wishes a compatible BDSM relationship with another eventually. you should consider freeing each other from the obligation of the relationship you are presently in.

If you are not available to submit you have nothing to offer. If He is not available to Dominate He has nothing to offer. Most submissives or Dominants will have no interest in waiting for someone to end a relationship AFTER they find a new one to replace it.

It is the old *you can't have it both ways* thingy.

I hope that was helpful in some small way and not taken personally in any way.

 

[Dr. B Evil]

Co-co-co-co-

-communication and compassion are virtues to behold.

 

[Lancecastor]

Yes, it will hurt if we split up but I won't die. I'll meet someone else and so will he after the pain wears off.

But here's the deal. The sex is fucking fantastic. That's the one aspect on which we DO connect.

Is it worth sticking it out for that reason?

Hi Cirrus;

The three points I've clipped from your post "suggested" to me that:

1. You've made up your mind that it's over as an emotional bond;

2. You'd like to keep the sex if it's do-able;

3. You're not sure if that'll make things better or worse.

Is that the low-down?

If so, I'd suggest talking to him face to face, straight up, no frosting, about the three points.....or whatever you narrow the issues down to.

Good luck;

Lance

 

[CarolineOh]

I'm in a bit of a bind here, and not the good kinky kind.

My Dom and I are having problems that I don't think are fixable. We're just not compatible. He's not the asshole, and I'm not the asshole, we just don't work together. He's an optimist and I'm a pessimist, he's funny and outgoing in social situations where I'm more shy and reserved, he keeps a handle on his emotions-whatever they may be, where I like to express them, he walks away from an argument where I like to hash it out. We're just opposites. And though we attract, we don't complement each other.

Just last night we got into another round. I had "one of those weeks" last week. Everything that could go wrong did. I got overwhelmed. It as all minor stuff, but it was about a dozen different things. He started with the "you're too pesimistic, I care about you and want you to be happy" schtick again. I believe it, you know, but it's just not ME. Then I handed him "well, if you don't like how I am, no one is making you stay with me." This in turn, lead to the "don't give me a fucking ultimatum" argument. Another way we're different. I don't see it as an ulitmatum. I see it as a choice. If he's hungry, and all I have is pizza, and he doesn't want pizza, he can do a few different things 1) eat the pizza and be unhappy 2) go hungry or 3) go somewhere else to eat.

I love him. I really do. With all my heart and soul. And it is, for this very reason, that I think he deserves someone more compatible with him. Yes, it will hurt if we split up but I won't die. I'll meet someone else and so will he after the pain wears off.

But here's the deal. The sex is fucking fantastic. That's the one aspect on which we DO connect. Is it worth sticking it out for that reason? Either way, do we sound salvagable to any of you?

I don't mean this to sound critical, but reading your post I see a recurring theme in what you've shared with us, and that is that you don't seem to have a very good opinion of yourself. Go back and try to read what you've written with a critical eye, if you can: he is funny, you are not, he is outgoing, you are not, he controls himself, you can not.
You say you love him, and I don't doubt that, but I haev to ask, how much do you love yourself?
With kindness in my heart for you, I have to ask, is the problem between the two of you, or within yourself? Whenever I hear a woman say "he deserves" someone other than themselves, an alarm bell goes off.
I don't mean to imply that any thing wrong in the relationship is your fault, but I just have to wonder if you might need to evaluate your own self esteem, and question your seemingly poor image of yourself, before you make drastic changes in your life.
In any regard, I am sorry you are hurting, and I wish you the best.

 

[Ebonyfire]

My advise would be fairly standard here and reflects in no way on your relationship in any personal way.

There is no sense flogging a dead horse. If you recognize that negative and positive cannot meet in the middle and communication is impossible then you delay the inevitable.

If BOTH of you feel the sex is worth the arguments or the beginning of distancing you have begun to feel is worth continuing under the umbrella of BDSM it is worth sticking it out.

If one or the other of you wishes a compatible BDSM relationship with another eventually. you should consider freeing each other from the obligation of the relationship you are presently in.

If you are not available to submit you have nothing to offer. If He is not available to Dominate He has nothing to offer. Most submissives or Dominants will have no interest in waiting for someone to end a relationship AFTER they find a new one to replace it.

It is the old *you can't have it both ways* thingy.

I hope that was helpful in some small way and not taken personally in any way.

From the BDSM perspective, that is so very well put. If indeed it is over.

Eb

 

[artful]

Re: Re: It's not really working out, but...

I don't mean this to sound critical, but reading your post I see a recurring theme in what you've shared with us, and that is that you don't seem to have a very good opinion of yourself. Go back and try to read what you've written with a critical eye, if you can: he is funny, you are not, he is outgoing, you are not, he controls himself, you can not.
You say you love him, and I don't doubt that, but I haev to ask, how much do you love yourself?
With kindness in my heart for you, I have to ask, is the problem between the two of you, or within yourself? Whenever I hear a woman say "he deserves" someone other than themselves, an alarm bell goes off.
I don't mean to imply that any thing wrong in the relationship is your fault, but I just have to wonder if you might need to evaluate your own self esteem, and question your seemingly poor image of yourself, before you make drastic changes in your life.
In any regard, I am sorry you are hurting, and I wish you the best.

I will let CarO do most of my typing on this one, and I agree with Shadows,...while also quoting my Sis:

"Hormones. Get your hormone system checked out, and your thyroid. Your
tendency toward pessimism could have a medical basis.

That was my first thought.

Secondly, I was thinking that if you cool off while finding if your hormones are
playing with you, you might be able to work on a compromise if you want to stay
in the relationship".

Of course,...discussion entered into with *HONEST*
Communication is always necessary. (JMHO)

 

[Richard49]

Hormones. Get your hormone system checked out, and your thyroid. Your tendency toward pessimism could have a medical basis.

That was my first thought.

Secondly, I was thinking that if you cool off while finding if your hormones are playing with you, you might be able to work on a compromise if you want to stay in the relationship.

But it is your choice.

Eb

I have to agree with Eb.

Health so deeply effects how we act and think

Blood sugar is anothr to check.....

I wish Rachel had listened to me on this.

I went to the VA clinic today cause of how I was acting. I was wondering if it was my PTSD was cycling or what...... I was long on irritation,lose,greiving etc. and short on "peace". I taled to the PA for about an hour .... she an I agreed on two things ....
1) that my cup was running over with negative events and stress
2) that my blood sugar was all over the place

I have a list of nine areas of life that I have "desires" of another human ... yes physical attraction is one of them ...... but only one .... if these things are lined up enough and I can not get along with that person .... ineed to look inward whiich includes physical ....

(Shit I wish Rachel read these boards)

 

[Trainerman]

I echo....

all of the above. Especially, if I may say so CarolineOh....right on the money !!

The only other thing to add is that IMHO any relationship....vanilla or lifestyle or any other...DOES demand communication and compromise. Remember that old saying about marriage that the first 6 months are the worst ?? I believe there is a lot of truth in that. It does take time to learn to live (to a degree) in someone elses space and them in yours.

With respect, the "thats the way I am...take it or leave it" stance IS an ultimatum. It is a "nailing of the colours to the mast" statement that leaves no room for compromise. Wouldn't you rather meet in the middle (ish) ?

I know from personal experience how one can grow as part of a relationship...and IF you do suffer from confidence/self esteem issues then all of that talking/working together/compromise with someone who wants you to be happy COULD actually help YOU as an individual as well as the relationship generally.

Good luck....whatever you decide

Dave

 

[Cirrus]

Thank you all for your kindness and advice. I've had my thyroid checked, Eb...about a year or 2 ago, and everything was fine. They did it then because I was having digestive problems and I was cold all the time. Everything checked out fine. As far as blood sugar, who knows? I had a fasting glucose test at my last physical, which was longer ago than it should have been, and everything was OK there too.

I am on the pill because of PMS/PMDD and I'd get "lows" like this before the medication for no reason...although I consider relationship issues a reason.

What I'd like to focus on though is CarolineOh's post. It's a little hard to love yourself when no one else has ever really loved you. I think He does, even though he won't say it. But then again I don't know. I've said it to him, but he says the feelings are there, he's just "gunshy" to say the words because the last time he did, he got burned. Well, haven't we all been burned at some point? His last girl he was with for 5 years, but this was almost 2 fucking years ago. A good excuse for a free piece of ass or geniune fear of being hurt? Who knows...and I'm not sure I care any more.

Fact of the matter is, my whole life I've been told I was shit. My mother hated me, she was controlling, manipulative and abusive, not to mention a drunk. She has more issues than I could ever list on this page. I know I sound like just another drama queen mother blamer, but how can that not screw you up? She was housebound due to agorophobia for 9 years, suffered from anxiety, depression and alcoholism mixed in with other things that were probably never diagnosed. She was a good mother to me until I was about 10...that's when she decided she was sick of me. Nothing I did was EVER right. Nothing. Ever. I could spend literally all weekend cleaning up her disaster of a house (you should see it now...the sink used to be white. It's black now. One of her cats vomits, she leaves it there. There are LITERALLY 3 foot high stacks of newspapers all over the house and the bathtub is full of dirty laundry) and she'd take the one dish I didn't do out of my hide.

I was not allowed to have friends. We lived in a small town about a 20 minute drive from where I went to high school, and she said that she wanted to meet my friends before we went out. Ok, reasonable. But every time I wanted to bring somebody over she had an excuse why they couldn't come. So eventually I quit asking. I wasn't allowed to ride a bike or cross the street by myself until I was 14. She got crushes on all my boyfriends which caused them to get out of there as fast as possible. The woman IS NOT RIGHT!!! She said it was because she cared, but she cared so much that when she got drunk she'd tell me all I wanted was her money, that I never did anything, I had a smart mouth, I had no respect. I'm missing 3 teeth and 2 ribs as proof of how much she cared. But she always drove me to hospital...how odd.

So now I'm 25, incapable of knowing what normal even IS much less how to be it, and I still have the scar from a gash above my eye, chronic headaches from the skull fracture, tingling in my right hand from the spiral fracture of my arm (that's what happens when you twist an arm too hard folks) to remember her by. But you know what? Fuck that. Screw the physical marks. Wounds heal...people never do.

Honestly though...I really wish someone could tell me how I'm supposed to love myself through all that, or how I'm supposed to let anyone else love this screwed up, mangled mess?

 

[CarolineOh]

Cirrus, I am so very sorry to read of your pain.
Have you been as forthright with your Dom as you have been here, letting him know just how deeply you hurt?

 

[Richard49]

Cirrus, I am so very sorry to read of your pain.
Have you been as forthright with your Dom as you have been here, letting him know just how deeply you hurt?

God I hope she has

Trust has to be so intense for BDSM D/s to work

Rachel informed me that she has not been honest about somthings .. she is now questioning weather BDSM is abuse etc.

My trust in her and more inportantly my trust in myself is deeply discounted

 

[Richard49]

PS: It sounds like mother practiced some sexual abuse here

 

[Richard49]

Hormone tests and sugar tests

I have been through this so many times
Hell I had Graves Disease and almost died and the Drs missed it
Low blood sugar will not usally show in a normal fasting glugose tolerence test

What's a person to do ....

Well email me and I will share what I have learned
I will not go on now since it appears that there are some really psychological issues here

 

[SexyChele]

Cirrus, I've been debating what to write to this thread since I saw it first thing this morning. I felt like there was too much missing information, and your last post proved that.

You were abused, plain and simple. And abuse issues as a child will affect you the rest of your life, unless you get help. Yes, have the physical checked. Then check into talking to a therapist. Not sure if you have tried this route, but your issues of childhood will not simply disappear with time. They only get worse.

And here is food for thought: the overwhelming majority of people who were abused as children grow up to be abusers themselves, unless they get help.

You do deserve to be happy - either with your current Dom or some one else. And you can be happy, but taking that first step can be hard.

You have proven yourself here as being a kind, understanding, articulate person. You have value - more than you are realizing. You are in my thoughts.....

 

[Richard49]

And here is food for thought: the overwhelming majority of people who were abused as children grow up to be abusers themselves, unless they get help.

abuse does not have to be physcial
it is using whatever the other person is afraid of to control them

 

[SexyChele]

abuse does not have to be physcial
it is using whatever the other person is afraid of to control them

Yes, yes, YES! A shame most folks think of abuse as only physical or sexual. One of the worse types of abuse is emotional - words can sometimes cut more deeply than any knife.

And you are correct, Richard49, fear is a factor all abusers use over those they abuse. Thank you for pointing that out.

 

[CarolineOh]

Cirrus, I've been debating what to write to this thread since I saw it first thing this morning. I felt like there was too much missing information, and your last post proved that.

You were abused, plain and simple. And abuse issues as a child will affect you the rest of your life, unless you get help. Yes, have the physical checked. Then check into talking to a therapist. Not sure if you have tried this route, but your issues of childhood will not simply disappear with time. They only get worse.

And here is food for thought: the overwhelming majority of people who were abused as children grow up to be abusers themselves, unless they get help.

You do deserve to be happy - either with your current Dom or some one else. And you can be happy, but taking that first step can be hard.

You have proven yourself here as being a kind, understanding, articulate person. You have value - more than you are realizing. You are in my thoughts.....

Beautifully said, Chele, and full of wisdom.

 

[Richard49]

Yes, yes, YES! A shame most folks think of abuse as only physical or sexual. One of the worse types of abuse is emotional - words can sometimes cut more deeply than any knife.

And you are correct, Richard49, fear is a factor all abusers use over those they abuse. Thank you for pointing that out.

I've been abused enough to know
Now I have these f..king abandment issues

 

[Sandia]

Cirrus, what happened to you is not right. You know that.

You are the person you are because of your past, and your history. You have insights and strengths other people don't have. Your life is yours, though, and nobody else's.

You're right, people never heal, but they do grow in depth, and strength, and empathy, when they deal honestly with their history.

I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you that you gain power from embracing your own truth, and accepting the consequences.

 

[Cirrus]

PS: It sounds like mother practiced some sexual abuse here

No, I was not abused sexually by anyone, either inside my family or outside. Not that I suspect it matters much.

The thing is, I KNOW that my life is mine, I KNOW that I am a product of my past, I KNOW that I'm a worthwhile person, I KNOW that I can love and be loved, yet I cannot BELIEVE it.

Another kicker is I have no health insurance. Therefor, no $60 an hour therapy for me.