It's not just smut, it's an adventure! (Rant)

[KillerMuffin]

I've read way too many porno stories in my life.

At any rate, there's a few things I seriously hate about porno writing and I so need to bitch about them or I'm going to blow up.

I hate it when an writer refers to sexual encounters as "adventures". Of all the things I detest about bad writing, this is the absolutely most incomprehensible. Indiana Jones is an adventure. Rolling around naked on the vegetable oil-covered waterbed in the Honeymoon Suite of the Hidden Oasis motel (rents by the hour) with a person who is not your spouse is not and adventure unless one or both of the absent spouses show up armed and hacked off. Fifty cent movie rentals are spoiling me. I suppose a sexual thing can be an adventure if it's actually remarkable and exciting. But that's so rare it's pathetic.

"Sagas" Oh my gawd, this is horrid. How can you have a continuining saga when the total of all 20 chapters makes about 15,000 words? Puh-leeeeeze. A saga is either a long, detailed account (read boring) or something that is either set in 13th or 14th century Iceland or reminiscent of that style of writing.

Chapterizations in short stories. Hello. Three paragraphs does not a chapter make. Even worse are when they actually write three paragraphs, slap on a "to be continued" after the absolute minimum words the site will let them get away with, and continue where they left off in an entirely new story. What's wrong with putting all three chapters which make, oh, one and a half lit pages if you're lucky together? It's not worth the click. Chapterization can be tons more distracting than it can be helpful.

Any mention, whatsoever, by the main character of his or her own appearance. Especially when the idiot writer is attempting to have the main character describe his or herself without appearing to. "She looked at herself and the mirror and thought what a fox as she catalogued her perfect blonde hair, her bright blue eyes, her engaging smile, her 38DD tits, her slim waist, the sweet pussy with the protruding 2" clit, her 30 inch hips, her eye-catching ass, and her stunning legs. She was sexy and she could see why men fought to hold her hand." Stick a spork in my eyeballs because it'll hurt a lot less. Moron.

I hate caps for anything and italics for anything but emphasis or a damned good reason. I seriously do. Thoughts aren't a damned good reason. Italics are the 'Net version of adverbs, flat ass lazy writing. They're hard to read--particularly at length--and if the story is in first person they're stupid. Just oh my friggin' gawd, people. Your character is already thinking. We already know who is thinking. Don't do it! Caps are a sin. Period. There is no reason to use them other than abuse of the reader. We don't feel your frenzy. We don't feel the power of the moment. We just feel like some moron forgot the check the status of the Caps Lock key. It's obvious what I'm thinking when I see this: moron. Back-click.

BDSM formatting. Go to a chatroom. I don't want to read it. I don't care who is supposed to be the Master and who is supposed to be the treasured pet. Capitalize all of the I's, lowercase all of the H's, and for the love of orgasms, knock off with the slash bullcrap. A/all T/this D/does I/is A/annoy and D/distract the E/everlasting H/hell O/out of M/me! You aren't honoring me. You're irritating me. Stop it! I see these BDSM totally chatroom honorifics and I'm thinking: moron. Back-click.

NEOMs. Whispersecret coined the perfect term. The Never-Ending Orgasmic Moment. Strings of letters and exclamation points do not an orgasm make. I'm neither impressed nor interested in seeing long strings of letters and/or punctuation marks. This tells me the writer is either stupid, lazy, think I'm stupid, or all three. First one of those suckers I run across and I'm thinking: moron. Back-click.

Ellipses. I can wrinkle my nose and ignore well-used ellipses. Fades in dialogue, even that tell-not-show gimmick of using ellipses to indicate pauses in character speech. Using them instead of commas and periods, however, is stupid. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. People who right like that have no respect for the reader whatsoever. It's like wading through a thoughtless minefield to find the point of the story. I'm not turned on, I'm not excited, I'm not even feeling the breathlessness of the moment. I'm thinking: moron. Back-click.

Indirect speech as the rule, not the exception. Damn, quotation marks are comfortably placed right next to the enter key for a reason. It means use them. For those who don't know, indirect speech is something like: She told me to go there. I asked her what for and she said that she wanted some water. Direct speech utilizes quotation marks. There's only so much indirect speech I can swallow before I'm bored to tears and thinking: moron. Back-click.

Odes to My Master/Lover stories. No one cares. No, seriously, I don't care how deliriousely you're in lust with your lover. I don't think it's either cute or interesting. I think it's like watching a pair of pimple-faced teenagers drool all over each other in the ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese. Yuck-o. The reason I hate them isn't because I don't like love or lust or whatever. I hate them because the writer writes directly to the Lover of Her Dreams, assumes everyone naturally cares to hear all of this ad naseaum, and doesn't bother to make any of it interesting because the love they feel is supposed to be the be-all, end-all of existence. Thanks for the phrase dr.m.

Online Lovers Meet for the First Time! Usually entitled something original like "The Meeting" or "Online Lovers Meet for the First Time". Read one, read 'em all. There is simply nothing more cliche than an online lovers meet for the first time story. This is either an instant no-click or back-click, depending on how misleading the title and description are.

Chapterized stories with fucked up titles. Please. If you're chapterizing a story, don't title everything different. Call it The Saga Ch. 01, The Saga Ch. 02, The Saga Ch. 03.... Don't call it Online Lovers Meet for the First Time! and then put "They do it in the pool! Part 4 of The Saga." in the description. It's irritating when you're trying to find part one of the story on the archive page. I don't care how easy it is to click the author name and then sort through the mish-mash there to find part one. I'm not doing it because ya already done pissed me off.

Indian stories that are written partially in Hindu. Dude. Pick a language and run with it. Preferably Hindu. I really hate those stupid personal ads/pick up lines at the end of most of 'em. Hi! This is your ******* guy! 25 year old man from tamil looking for aunties! If you want pleasure, email me! women only.

That leads me right into another one. Do not argue with your critics at the beginning/end/biography whatever. If someone sends you evil feedback, move the heck on. Do not write a scathing reply and put it at the top of your story because you look like a total asshole. In fact, you are an asshole. There is no reason for the rest of the world to know that someone hates your guts and you're such a fabulous person you're gonna tell 'em what you really think of them. You so don't impress me. Take it to the boards, don't put up in your stories. You ruin the tone of your story and I don't even feel like reading it after a paragraph or three of bad vibes sent out to a reader.

Paragraphs that are too long. It's hard enough to read this crap on a screen, let alone when the words start running together. I particularly hate it when the paragraphs have changed subject, but you're still in the same paragraph. Hello, moron. Organize your thinking a little. Just because you think you should go on and on and on in one block of text doesn't mean that it's going to be easy to read. Break it up. Have some compassion.

I've run out of steam now. I'm going to go sulk.

 

[Stout chap]

Very good rant! And so true. Kudos to you.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Excellent, Muffie. I wholeheartedly agree with everything except the parts about italics, indirect speech and paragraph length. I mean, I do understand that to make your message come across, you had to include them, but they are a mark of style. Can anyone pull it off? Of course not. Most shouldn't even try. But they're not capital sins.

Oh, and I also have some issues with that whole 'People who right like that have no respect for the reader whatsoever' business.

 

[Whispersecret]

Brava, Muff. I agree with everything, at least, that applied to me. (For example, I've never read any Indian stories.) I'm cracking up at the Chuck E. Cheese's line.

However, NEOM was supposed to refer to the never ending orgasmic moan. I have no problem with an orgasmic moment lasting for quite a while. Heh heh.

Adding to your list, I can't stand the parade of titles with people's names in them. Usually they're the women's names. And not particularly interesting names at that.

 

[Stout chap]

Homophones really annoy me. Theirs Noah's Cape from the hoe mow phones".

Italics are useful in speech for the stress on a clause: "that's so sexy[/i]" is not the same as "that's so sexy" and all that.

Paragraphs can be good when they are long. As long as they make sense and are used in moderation. Don't do the Hemmingway thing and go like this: "And I went to the shop and it was raining and Catherine looked beautiful and kissed me on the cheeks and we went to the restaurant and-". Hemmingway uses it to extraordinary effect in his writing, but remember his stories are hundreds of pages long and deeply involving. A story that gets your jollies off that's only a few thousand words will be able to make no use of that sort of emotional style of writing.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

All these things cause that reaction in me too. Moron. Back-click.

But what really infuriates me to the point of wanting to physically hurt the authors are perfectly good, well written stories, with little pieces of backfired witticisms like:

'We had good intentions, but it was pretty hard for us to put Pandora back in her box especially because we were so far from home, there was nothing to do and our experience that first night had been so arousing'.

God, I read that in a story a couple of weeks ago and had such an urge to slap someone.

 

[Guest]

I generally agree with most of KM's rant. Some more of it as more of an annoyance to me than emotionally upsetting. But then, I do have a tendency to read only those stories that have good reviews or have a high number of views from readers. Not to say that occasionally, for the hell of it, I force myself to read a story that's dead last in a genre, just to test a theory that I can agree with everyone else when it comes to identifying really awful bad writing.

But KM seems a little anal (nothing that a good assfuck couldn't fix, honey) on the use of italics, especially in modern fiction. I don't think it is laziness, nor do I think it is inappropriate. Prominent authors use them in a variety of circumstances for interior dialog, emphasis, foreign words, etc., etc. But yes, KM, their use can be overdone, especially here on Lit, but all are easily corrected for style/editing/proofreading.

 

[Stout chap]

err, yes. I was just saying. i'm not a moron!

 

[aerisx]

This is the first thread I read when I got here, and it was great. Had me giggling.

 

[the_bragis]

Hello Killermuffin,

Well I guess it's impossible for every author to please every reader.

I do find a few of the things you mentioned a little irritating, but nothing major.

I disagree with a couple.

I hate it when an writer refers to sexual encounters as "adventures".

I"m pretty sure I have never used this one, however, call me a romantic fool (I bet you hate that cliche too), but I kind of like the notion of every sexual encounter being a new and excitng 'adventure'.

Chapterizations in short stories.

Never thought much about this one, but think it's the author's call really.

I hate caps for anything and italics for anything but emphasis or a damned good reason.

I see these around, and not just here. I don't see them as poor grammar, or a problem, although I'm a long way from being an expert here.

BDSM formatting.

I don't use this formatting myself simpy because I don' think it's necessary. I guess it's just a habit for many people living in that lifestyle. It's mark of respect as much as anything, and that needs to be respected.

I hate it, I hate it, I hate it

Relax - now isn't life just too short not to be a layback little Aussie like me?

Seriously though, you are a first class author, but please give all us other poor little buggers a fair go too won't you? Some people feel very comfortable reading and writing cliches and such, other don't. I know many, well most people in this forum, will disagree with me here, but I think sometimes many of these things are just a matter of personal taste.

Have a great day now,

Alex.(fem)

 

[Lovepotion69]

I've just read KM rant. A lot of very valid points and I agreed wholeheartedly with most of them, though I have to say the tone in which it all was presented made me first think "damn, calm down girl!". (Oh, did you see that I did not put it in italics? )
It does come across as very anal for a first time reader and I can imagine reading it can be a bit intimidating for a new writer, sure as hell intimidated me the first couple of paragraphs. Thankfully I've read a lot of Lit stories and have my own pet peeves thereby being able to relate to KM. Still, no point in sounding like being on a crusade. (Resists urge to put an ellips)

I find the use of italics being ok if the author chooses when the character is thinking, but hopefully it won't be heaps of it throughout the story. I do admit that I can't stand when a whole story is posted in italics, that definitely makes me hit the back button. A story posted in capitals will get a back button hit ten times faster than one in italics.

Regarding the indian stories where half of it is in Hindi. LOL Now this was funny! I actually started reading a few of these, and it's all in English until the dialogue. How annoying isn't that?? Yes, please stick to one language.

After reading KM's post I'm now considering to write a story for the humour section with as many mistakes as possible, just to see how many hate emails I can get.

/LP

 

[DarlingNikki]

Good points but yes, intimidating.

KillerMuffin, can you explain or direct me to a how-to about describing your own appearance in a first person story? The mirror thing may be hackneyed but it must be better than having some other character say, "Oh baby, I love your long blond hair, shining brown eyes and two inch clit." It's kind of frustrating because I imagine readers want to know what the person looks like.

BTW: Hindu is a religion. Hindi is a language.

 

[SexyChele]

I think KM makes some valid points here. I know I've done one or two (or more?) of the things she brings up. Hey, it's how I lived and learned.

Is this intimidating? Perhaps. But one thing I know for certain, by reading KM's "rants" I've learned quite a bit about what to do and what to avoid. And for that I've always appreciated what she shares. After all, she knows more about this stuff than I do! For those who may feel intimidated by this, think of it this way: KM has stated some points that she fnds irritating or simply bad usage of English. Look at what you've written. Do you have stories that have incorporated these things? If so, look at how you might have re-written those parts to avoid what KM is talking about. I'm not talking about re-submitting a story just because KM has stated it should or shouldn't be that way. Just stretch yourself and try to take a more objective look at your work. I think most will find what she is saying is actually helpful if you take away things that can help you improve.

And I don't mean to blow her "image", but there are very few people here at Lit that will give you a truly honest answer about something in your writing. KM is one of those people. You have to respect the honesty and integrity there. (And I don't think I've ever seen her falter on either of those two things)

As to how to describe the main character in a first person story? It takes a little imagination, but it can be done. Just not all at once. Such as (and this is off the top of my head, so it's not all that great!):

"I walked to the open window and felt the cool breeze ruffle the silk blouse that I wore."

"As I leaned close to him, he reached out and ran his fingers through the auburn curls that framed my face."

"Walking towards the club, I cursed myself for wearing those pumps with the four inch heels. Just what the hell was I thinking?"

"I watched as his eyes took in my form, stopping at the neckline that revealed the hint of clevage peeping from my blouse."

Not great examples I know, but I try to weave what my character looks like throughout the story. In some cases I don't even really describe the character much any more, unless their appearance plays som role in the story. I set an age, and I'll make a comment as to whether the characters are fit or have a few extra pounds. Nothing too specfic. I think most readers develop in their minds what a character looks like. They may be imagining a woman who is wispy with short blond hair and big blue eyes. Then the author comes in and states she is a buxom girl with long raven hair and dark brown eyes. I think that can throw a reader. I know I've been there before.

There is always more than one way to write something. The challenge is in finding that other way and then see which one is best.

 

[NorthwestRain]

You bitch soooooo good KM.

 

[KillerMuffin]

These are just things I don't like to see in writing because they annoy me. Your mileage may vary. If you disagree with me, that's your perogative, may you enjoy it in good health.


As far as the protagonist describing his or herself. That usually comes in first person stories. This is where you have to balance the needs of the story with the needs of what you think the reader wants. I rarely describe my characters and still I get feedback saying "What wonderful detail!"

When you get into description of characters, it's usually less important to describe what they look like and more important to describe how they feel about it or how the other characters react to it. Visual description gets dry and you see it here over and over and over and over and over. "She had a 38DD chest" or "She felt like a pair of tits. Men never seemed to notice anything else about her except for the monsterous cleavage. " Which do you like better?

When it comes to first person, that's a different kettle of fish. In some stories, it's perfectly natural to describe the self. The "I" character is talking directly to the reader--a locker room style confession. Mostly, though, it's out of place and disruptive.

How to judge? Read it out loud. If it doesn't further the story, minimize it. If you've got 1,500 words (avg story length), don't spend 500 describing your characters. It's wasted space.

If you must describe them in first person, then change it from descriptive narrative into something else. How does your character feel (realistically) about his or her appearance? How do others react to it? Describe that way.

I have blonde hair, blue eyes, and a figure to die for. Read that how many times a day? I hate my blonde hair and blue eyes. Everyone thinks I'm California girl stupid and I'm not. Add the perfect surfer girl bod and big tits, and it's instant bimbo. Nevermind that I have a PhD in mathematics and I'm a fucking rocket scientist. See the difference?

 

[Master_Vassago]

I will forever live in fear of KM reading one of my stories and her beating me repeatedly with a red ink pen. Actually I am a little afraid of going to submit anything new now.

On a lighter side I hate typos. LOL. But I make them too KM. Write spelling wrong word. lol.

 

[o1ncebittn]

I just joined this site today, and haven't gotten a chance to read much on here, but I couldn't not comment on this rant. Pardon my language but that was funny as fuck. As one who appreciates her erotica, I have waded through lots and lots of muck, in search of a few good stories. Not easy to find, as you well know. I must say that I enjoyed your rant more than most stories I've read, and since a good laugh is harder to come by than a good wank, (no pun intended). I am now a devoted fan of your writings, whatever they may be, and thanks so very much for the fantastic introduction to literotica.

 

[kvs4ert]

Siskel and Roper are pussies next to you

Thank goodness I am not an author of one the stories of this site. Your criticism would make me feel like the puppy who has pissed once too often outside the newspaper.But to be truthful,I enjoyed your comments. I am not a writer or anyone who claims to know what the difference is between good or great writing. I just look at the stories,hoping to find a few that are plausible and erotic at the same time.I have read many stories from these amateur writers,and have been very impressed and turned on,as well. That is what this site is all about.You are obviously well schooled in writing and literature,how good for you.But your constant refrain to the "morons" penning the stories makes YOU sound so superior,that my God! why should any of these poor folks attempt to create words on a page that are from their own creativity? Lighten up,negative criticism is good,but rubbing the writers'face in his or her mistakes makes you nothing but a critic.Read or write,quit being a critic.

 

[KillerMuffin]

You haven't read my criticism yet. Just my ranting. And if you'll note, I never said it was critique, just ranting.

If you wish to critique my criticism, then do some research first. Actually read my criticisms. Want some help? Here's a link.

https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=55937

Feel free to criticize my actual critiques when you actually read one. Until then, don't mind if I ignore your advice to dissemble in favor of false praise? Thanks.

 

[kvs4ert]

What's in a word?

I write you back,because you seem to visit this site often.This is the second time I have made a comment in attempt to communicate with another member.I did not mean to offend you, I realize that I was critiquing you and your opinions,I will certainly check the other threads you have posted. All for one and one for all. Aint I witty? Keep reading and keep well,I like what you have to say.

 

[Graybread]

Writing in fear!

I’d like to ask a couple a questions here but I’m afraid!

Afraid that ‘Killer Muffie, the Slayer of wanna writers’, will swoop down on me and stab me through the heart with a poison pen.

“Oh please, Great God of keyboards, be merciful with me!”

Ok, enough silliness? My questions are:

When do you use Italics? I use them to show thought, with an apostrophe before and after.
Example; ‘Hmmm, I wonder if this is right?’ He thought.
What is the correct way?

Second; I write mostly using dialogue. Probably 80% of my stories are in dialogue. I use text paragraphs to set scenes, or to say something that’s relevant but not that important in the story. (There’s an oxymoron) I like to let my characters tell the story and not me.
Is this appropriate?

I also have a tendency to worship the Comma God, but I’m getting better at that.

Any and all feedback will be appreciated.

Thanks,
Gray
P. S. Is there a better thread to ask these questions. I tried to find one but may have missed it.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Re: Writing in fear!

When do you use Italics? I use them to show thought, with an apostrophe before and after.
Example; ‘Hmmm, I wonder if this is right?’ He thought.
What is the correct way?

Whatever tickles your fancy. As a reader it doesn't bother me.

Second; I write mostly using dialogue. Probably 80% of my stories are in dialogue. I use text paragraphs to set scenes, or to say something that’s relevant but not that important in the story. (There’s an oxymoron) I like to let my characters tell the story and not me.
Is this appropriate?

That sounds a lot like a stage or screen play, so I'd be tempted to keep that in mind and use it to my advantage. I don't know how appealing porn would normaly be in that format, but there is an interesting challenge...

 

[Angeline]

I agree with most of your rant muffy (and I'm not telling anyone how many times I winced thinking "Shit, I know I did that!" But about these adverbs . . . (sentence fade)

It is ok to modify verbs now and again, as long as it's the right word in the right place. Sometimes one adverb is right for the tone or the character (e.g., On Star Trek, Mr. Spock would sound so wrong explaining things in detail--you expect him to say stuff like "Well put, Captain" before his eyebrow goes up--or my personal favorite in some episode where he and Kirk were racing for the beaming coordinates: "Move with alacrity Captain.")

But I know what you're saying. Many writers use them out of laziness, when what they need is detail.

Leaving. Quickly.

 

[KillerMuffin]

Psst, Ang, don't tell anyone, but I've done a few of them myself. Hypocrisy is a snot, isn't it?

 

[Kate.E]

*nodding*

Affirmative, Captain Ange.

btw, hasn't Lauren got the most scrumptious butt in the world?

* scrumptious would appear in in italics if I knew how, whether correct or not *