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Pure
Fiel a Verdad
- Joined
- Dec 20, 2001
- Posts
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Hi Lime,
Whew! 40 pp is a lot to ask, but once I started the good quality of the writing did mostly carry me along. Mechanically and stylistically it's pretty good, though there are typos.
The story itself is generally fine, though it takes its time getting going. Personally I think a few 'snapshots' would do, before the critical conversation about what happened with Kim, instead of hour by hour. Things could occasionally be summarized, for example, if there's a scene with Tommy and Jane, it can be noted that he met Tommy the day before at the parking lot.
There is a general problem of disproportion in the story, regarding what happened, how the confrontation happens and the 'method' he devises. Eventually we find she had an affair and was spoiled and manipulative, and I suppose he was too wimpy and trusting. That's what I need to know before the confrontation with her. I don't need 20 pp of material. IF their conversation *had lasted all night and took many twists and turns, due to the complexity of what happened, that would fit, but the 'argument' and her backing down are pretty straightforward.
I must say I'm not entirely convinced of the 'topping' scene, esp. given how much fun she has from the get-go. It's a bias of mine, but the exercise of authority needs to involve something a bit more difficult than blowjob, fingerfuck, and real fuck. Indeed the issue of 'authority' seems strained, esp. in its alleged connection to his former nonassertiveness. For example, it might have been entirely sufficient to enforce a bit of kink on her, without the show of 'ordering' her to do various pleasant things.
Among the many good sentences and paras I found a few clunkers, and I point them out without any implication they are typical, though in general the writing is less good once the sex starts (common problem).
She released him and began wiping away the tears with her hands. When Alex looked down at Kim, her pathetic state began to breach the barricades around his heart, but he refused to be drawn into the emotional vortex that surrounded her and knew that he must leave immediately. Otherwise, he would be reduced to tears as well.
I find this over written, e.g., barricades, vortex. Somewhat like so-so romance fiction.
Her reply exasperated Alex, but also focused his thoughts. After all the misery and agonizing over what had gone wrong, Alex finally understood what he should have known a long time ago. Previously he would have avoided confrontation over her unsatisfactory reply, but that had been his oft-repeated mistake. To Alex, Kim’s nail biting had come to symbolize her infidelity, which he initially forgave too readily and had unwittingly set the course for their break up. His new understanding blended with snippets of counsel he had recently received, congealed and mandated how he exert authority. While doubt of his ability to fill his role and Kim’s response gave him pause, in the end, no other tactic came to mind. Finally, Alex had hit upon a method, albeit risky, that could simultaneously supply both the cleansing and redefined order their relationship required; otherwise things would end just as tragically as before. ‘It still could meet the same fate, but at least it would be over quickly,’ reasoned Alex as the plotted his initial course of action – he would have to improvise the rest.
This key para, the turning point of the action, illustrates several problems, and the massiveness of its analysis arouses suspicions. Imo, it's too involved and analytical. The diction and tone are like a family therapist in a convention paper. e.g., "redefined order their relationship required."
That you have to *tell so much might mean that too little was said before; alternatively, I've say it's largely superfluous. Let your previous story--it's more than 5000 words-- stand on its own and illustrate his excessive passivity and underuse of authority. For instance, if he explodes at her nail biting, you needn't explain it as a 'symbol'. That connection could be clear in his angry words.
The "new understanding" after snippets of counsel, again would be evident if he *did become more forceful; you needn't yak at the reader about it.
Look. An unusual plan occurs to Alex. Maybe it won't work, and be a tragedy or a joke. It's a gamble to assert his authority, and if it works, things will be off on a new course, the way he wants it.
40 words cover the ground; 180, as above, is IMO unnecessary.
Having admitted to the failure of that modus vivendi, Kim realized that he was redefining their relationship, but to remain or leave was her decision.
Again, very high falutin' and not close to how she would state it; part of an article in a journal of family therapy.
The palpable heat of his gaze transported her condition to the extraordinarily erotic.
Not well stated, but also unnecessary, if you *show erotic response, like wetness etc.
“Get on your knees,” Alex commanded as he stood, shoved away his chair, and rapidly shed his clothes. With his lean, well-defined body rising above her, his erection swayed before Kim’s face invitingly and she yearned to taste him once again. “Suck me!” he shouted as he roughly grabbed two handfuls of hair and pulled her head forward. Kim’s mouth opened willingly and her hands reached for his hips to bring him closer. Alex forcefully tilted her head upward, his gaze burning into her lust filled eyes, “No, just your mouth.” Kim rested her hands upon her knees and she felt his grip relax slightly. His hips pushed forward and she took him between her lips.
Oddly, I'd say it's your weakest para. We have the stale, 'lean well defined body' and her 'lust filled eyes.' There's a profusion of weak adverbs, 'willingly' and 'forcefully'. If he grabs her hair and does this and that, the force will be obvious.
Try as she might, Kim could not swallow it all. Alex’s frenzied thrusting forced his copious ejaculate to spill from the edges of her mouth, run down her chin and drip onto her breasts.
Seems a little contrived, but again the diction is odd, 'copious ejaculate.'
The novelty of the image was incredibly gratifying, validating his course of action.
Youch! (see above)
The sudden and overwhelming stimulation compelled Kim to grind her sex into his hand while the resumption of the spanking ignited a fire that intensified the heat between her thighs. Also enflamed, Alex’s erection poked incessantly at Kim’s tummy and proved more than Kim could bear.
Too abstract and Germanic. He starts spanking her again; her pussy gets hotter.
The terms like 'resumption' and 'intensified' are too fancy. IMO.
As Kim slowly rose and fell upon him, she took her breasts in her hands, leaned her head down and licked them, delighted to discover the stimulation of sucking her own nipples and the concurrent lust it brought to Alex’s countenance.
This para shows the awkward mixing of the informal and formal style, and even the somewhat archaic 'countenance.'
=====
In sum, there is lots of good writing, and good thinking and planning. The execution needs some fixing, esp. in diction/word choice. The language of the first two pages is clear and accessible in general.
Since you virtually transcribe a number of conversations, that should obviate the need for so much analysis from the omniscient narrator.
Sex is hard to write; all writers quail, except maybe Henry Miller.
That could definitely be freshened up.
I hope this is of some use, and I've characterized specific problems without the intent to categorize the whole story in those terms. It's a good job, as romance with sex, far about the norm around Literotica. Indeed, were it pruned of analytical characterizations, it could well be publishable in the 'romance' genre, in my lay person's opinion.
Best,
J.
Whew! 40 pp is a lot to ask, but once I started the good quality of the writing did mostly carry me along. Mechanically and stylistically it's pretty good, though there are typos.
The story itself is generally fine, though it takes its time getting going. Personally I think a few 'snapshots' would do, before the critical conversation about what happened with Kim, instead of hour by hour. Things could occasionally be summarized, for example, if there's a scene with Tommy and Jane, it can be noted that he met Tommy the day before at the parking lot.
There is a general problem of disproportion in the story, regarding what happened, how the confrontation happens and the 'method' he devises. Eventually we find she had an affair and was spoiled and manipulative, and I suppose he was too wimpy and trusting. That's what I need to know before the confrontation with her. I don't need 20 pp of material. IF their conversation *had lasted all night and took many twists and turns, due to the complexity of what happened, that would fit, but the 'argument' and her backing down are pretty straightforward.
I must say I'm not entirely convinced of the 'topping' scene, esp. given how much fun she has from the get-go. It's a bias of mine, but the exercise of authority needs to involve something a bit more difficult than blowjob, fingerfuck, and real fuck. Indeed the issue of 'authority' seems strained, esp. in its alleged connection to his former nonassertiveness. For example, it might have been entirely sufficient to enforce a bit of kink on her, without the show of 'ordering' her to do various pleasant things.
Among the many good sentences and paras I found a few clunkers, and I point them out without any implication they are typical, though in general the writing is less good once the sex starts (common problem).
She released him and began wiping away the tears with her hands. When Alex looked down at Kim, her pathetic state began to breach the barricades around his heart, but he refused to be drawn into the emotional vortex that surrounded her and knew that he must leave immediately. Otherwise, he would be reduced to tears as well.
I find this over written, e.g., barricades, vortex. Somewhat like so-so romance fiction.
Her reply exasperated Alex, but also focused his thoughts. After all the misery and agonizing over what had gone wrong, Alex finally understood what he should have known a long time ago. Previously he would have avoided confrontation over her unsatisfactory reply, but that had been his oft-repeated mistake. To Alex, Kim’s nail biting had come to symbolize her infidelity, which he initially forgave too readily and had unwittingly set the course for their break up. His new understanding blended with snippets of counsel he had recently received, congealed and mandated how he exert authority. While doubt of his ability to fill his role and Kim’s response gave him pause, in the end, no other tactic came to mind. Finally, Alex had hit upon a method, albeit risky, that could simultaneously supply both the cleansing and redefined order their relationship required; otherwise things would end just as tragically as before. ‘It still could meet the same fate, but at least it would be over quickly,’ reasoned Alex as the plotted his initial course of action – he would have to improvise the rest.
This key para, the turning point of the action, illustrates several problems, and the massiveness of its analysis arouses suspicions. Imo, it's too involved and analytical. The diction and tone are like a family therapist in a convention paper. e.g., "redefined order their relationship required."
That you have to *tell so much might mean that too little was said before; alternatively, I've say it's largely superfluous. Let your previous story--it's more than 5000 words-- stand on its own and illustrate his excessive passivity and underuse of authority. For instance, if he explodes at her nail biting, you needn't explain it as a 'symbol'. That connection could be clear in his angry words.
The "new understanding" after snippets of counsel, again would be evident if he *did become more forceful; you needn't yak at the reader about it.
Look. An unusual plan occurs to Alex. Maybe it won't work, and be a tragedy or a joke. It's a gamble to assert his authority, and if it works, things will be off on a new course, the way he wants it.
40 words cover the ground; 180, as above, is IMO unnecessary.
Having admitted to the failure of that modus vivendi, Kim realized that he was redefining their relationship, but to remain or leave was her decision.
Again, very high falutin' and not close to how she would state it; part of an article in a journal of family therapy.
The palpable heat of his gaze transported her condition to the extraordinarily erotic.
Not well stated, but also unnecessary, if you *show erotic response, like wetness etc.
“Get on your knees,” Alex commanded as he stood, shoved away his chair, and rapidly shed his clothes. With his lean, well-defined body rising above her, his erection swayed before Kim’s face invitingly and she yearned to taste him once again. “Suck me!” he shouted as he roughly grabbed two handfuls of hair and pulled her head forward. Kim’s mouth opened willingly and her hands reached for his hips to bring him closer. Alex forcefully tilted her head upward, his gaze burning into her lust filled eyes, “No, just your mouth.” Kim rested her hands upon her knees and she felt his grip relax slightly. His hips pushed forward and she took him between her lips.
Oddly, I'd say it's your weakest para. We have the stale, 'lean well defined body' and her 'lust filled eyes.' There's a profusion of weak adverbs, 'willingly' and 'forcefully'. If he grabs her hair and does this and that, the force will be obvious.
Try as she might, Kim could not swallow it all. Alex’s frenzied thrusting forced his copious ejaculate to spill from the edges of her mouth, run down her chin and drip onto her breasts.
Seems a little contrived, but again the diction is odd, 'copious ejaculate.'
The novelty of the image was incredibly gratifying, validating his course of action.
Youch! (see above)
The sudden and overwhelming stimulation compelled Kim to grind her sex into his hand while the resumption of the spanking ignited a fire that intensified the heat between her thighs. Also enflamed, Alex’s erection poked incessantly at Kim’s tummy and proved more than Kim could bear.
Too abstract and Germanic. He starts spanking her again; her pussy gets hotter.
The terms like 'resumption' and 'intensified' are too fancy. IMO.
As Kim slowly rose and fell upon him, she took her breasts in her hands, leaned her head down and licked them, delighted to discover the stimulation of sucking her own nipples and the concurrent lust it brought to Alex’s countenance.
This para shows the awkward mixing of the informal and formal style, and even the somewhat archaic 'countenance.'
=====
In sum, there is lots of good writing, and good thinking and planning. The execution needs some fixing, esp. in diction/word choice. The language of the first two pages is clear and accessible in general.
Since you virtually transcribe a number of conversations, that should obviate the need for so much analysis from the omniscient narrator.
Sex is hard to write; all writers quail, except maybe Henry Miller.
That could definitely be freshened up.
I hope this is of some use, and I've characterized specific problems without the intent to categorize the whole story in those terms. It's a good job, as romance with sex, far about the norm around Literotica. Indeed, were it pruned of analytical characterizations, it could well be publishable in the 'romance' genre, in my lay person's opinion.
Best,
J.
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