It's Been Soo Long!

[Felt Tip]

If ever I needed a little help...


Hey people.

My problem is this: By December it'll be 3 years since I was last in a relationship, and since I last had sex. And to be completely honest, I don't see where the next girl is going to come from.

Over that time I had/made some excuses, final year of uni (I split up with the last ex so I could focus on my work and pick up a decent grade), then about 6 months waiting for, then recovering from, a pretty big operation.
But about a year ago the excuses ran out, and since then, aside from dating a girl once, and not getting past the clothed phase, I've been single and lame.

I think the problem might be self esteem. That and actually *doing* something to change things.
I've always been pretty insecure (attractive trait huh?) and the long lay-off has probably brought it back to the surface a bit. Rationally, I don't think I'm bad looking, and I'm in pretty good shape physically. Although I'm quiet and introverted, and holding a long conversation is often a struggle.
Plus, I feel like I'm not really sure about how to meet women you're not introduced to properly (ie, through a friend). Maybe that's a lack of practice too.

So, I'm looking for some help to pull my thumb out, stop being needy and insecure (easier said than done!), and hopefully get to the stage where I can go meet women without having to wait around in hope of stumbling into a relationship.

(I'll be looking for a relationship, although I wouldn't turn down casual sex either )


Any help?
Thanks

 

[silverwhisper]

felt tip: you mention that you're in decent shape. are you a member of a gym? is that a way to meet people where you live? if not, consider pouring some of your energy into that. basically, what you need is a way to meet people who share common interests ideally, it seems.

if the gym scene isn't doing it for you, try something else. what are your other interests? if you're a reader, look at your local bookstore or library for book clubs or the like. a lot of places like that like to give space to organizations to foster a sense of community, so there should be a bulletin board somewhere by the entrance for that purpose.

ed

 

[EJFan]

the first thing i'd recommend is to stop pressuring yourself. it sounds as though you're kind of thinking too hard about meeting this as some sort of goal. don't worry about it.

another thing... i think that being shy or even insecure is ok. there's no reason to think that everyone has to be a huge extrovert. the key to a great relationship is that you have two people bonding on an emotional level and this isn't reserved for outgoing people... introverts can have emotional bonds too.

being needy is another thing alltogether. if you're leaning toward some codependency issue in your personality, try to curtail it... not because you won't get a date that way but because it's just not healthy... you can't advance as a person like that.

the easiest way, in my opinion, to get aruond the things you mention is to just do what you enjoy doing. whatever it is that you like in life (you don't even have to be GOOD at it, just interested and passionate about it) do that. you'll meet people with similar ideas and interests and THAT'S a great pool to pick from.

i suspect that if you nurture your hobbies and profession you'll meet all sorts of people... they'll start as friends and one day one or two will progress up the friendship ladder to a point where you'll be spending time together and developing the emotional bond you're looking for.

most importantly, i think that you have to go into the "social process" knowing that you'll fail from time to time... maybe a LOT... it's all good. a mate isn't going to fall from the sky for you and i don't think you'll find a winner in the first try or two. that all goes back to the first point... don't pressure yourself... just enjoy the ride and meet people. it'll come.

 

[SweetErika]

the first thing i'd recommend is to stop pressuring yourself. it sounds as though you're kind of thinking too hard about meeting this as some sort of goal. don't worry about it.

another thing... i think that being shy or even insecure is ok. there's no reason to think that everyone has to be a huge extrovert. the key to a great relationship is that you have two people bonding on an emotional level and this isn't reserved for outgoing people... introverts can have emotional bonds too.

being needy is another thing alltogether. if you're leaning toward some codependency issue in your personality, try to curtail it... not because you won't get a date that way but because it's just not healthy... you can't advance as a person like that.

the easiest way, in my opinion, to get aruond the things you mention is to just do what you enjoy doing. whatever it is that you like in life (you don't even have to be GOOD at it, just interested and passionate about it) do that. you'll meet people with similar ideas and interests and THAT'S a great pool to pick from.

i suspect that if you nurture your hobbies and profession you'll meet all sorts of people... they'll start as friends and one day one or two will progress up the friendship ladder to a point where you'll be spending time together and developing the emotional bond you're looking for.

most importantly, i think that you have to go into the "social process" knowing that you'll fail from time to time... maybe a LOT... it's all good. a mate isn't going to fall from the sky for you and i don't think you'll find a winner in the first try or two. that all goes back to the first point... don't pressure yourself... just enjoy the ride and meet people. it'll come.

Fantastic advice.

One thing I thought of is meeting people online. There are lots of (even free) dating sites, and some of them --OKCupid is one that comes to mind-- are geared toward meeting people/friendship as well as dating. I've found it difficult to meet new friends even...I spend most of my time and hobbies with my husband, am self employed, and am not the type to strike up a conversation with anyone. I have had success in meeting and starting real life relationships online though.

Since you've identified self-esteem as a possible barrier, I'd suggest spending some time seeking out some things that will help you improve it. I've found a lot of useful info and excercises through simple google searches, but there are also a couple of great threads right here in How To and the HT Cafe, so it's worth a quick search of titles.

 

[fr34k_n45ty]

I met the guy i'm going to marry online... i was looking though the profiles for guys in my area that were online with pics, neither of us up any pressure on each other to met or that we were looking for someone and finally we met one day and went to the movies a lil farther away from where we lived cause it's easier to talk while driving. (no one can belive that i met him online either)

so you can see internet isn't the worst place to find a mate if you dont like them you can ignore them, make sure you see a web cam of them before meeting and talk on the phone to make your plans. my key advice.

another idea is to go a bowling alley or some place that not everyone is drunk and having fun and when you find a girl your interesed in if you catch her eye smile and go back to what your doing and later go talk to her... break the ice by talking about the music or soem thing thats going on where you are.

i wish you luck no reason to beat yourself up over this think confendent and you will be

 

[Eilan]

Fantastic advice.

He's been on a roll lately, hasn't he?

I'm gonna throw in another vote for trying the online dating scene. Sometimes it can be a little intimidating to meet people face to face, particularly if you're not, like me, outgoing to begin with. I found my brief experience with online dating to be "safe" because I didn't have to deal with face-to-face, possibly public rejection. And that's how I met my husband, so it was a success for me!

I tend to be of the opinion that if you go out looking for something (finding a date, getting laid, etc), then it probably won't happen.

Good luck.

 

[SweetErika]

He's been on a roll lately, hasn't he?

Damn straight. Not irrelevant or irreverent. What's happened to our EJ?

 

[Felt Tip]

Thanks guys. Definitely some good advice in there.

After mulling over the answers a bit, I think the codependency thing is something I may need to think about more. I'm not sure whether that's quite my problem, or if I just want it too much, outside that. But it's something I need to think about.

Challenge one: Deal with codependency as a problem in its own right, rather than an obstruction to getting a woman!


Looking online sounds like good advice too. Especially if they're free. I was looking at one site a few days ago, which wouldn't tell you how much it cost to subscribe until you'd already entered your full profile. I guess that's when you know you're going to get stung.
I guess you could say that if it works, and you find someone, then it's worth it. But I hate the idea of being manipulated by people who bait me with hope then bleed me dry.

The whole issue of having hobbies you feel passionate about always intruiges me too. Enjoy.. sure, but passionate is a strong word. Although I think I did once. Maybe I just need to find the right thing.

 

[morphio]

Hobbies/sports clubs are always a good one - you'll meet lots of people. Even if most of them won't be ideal partners, you're getting a load of good friends out of it too

The only other thing is not to try too hard, although it's not easy. One of my friends from school has this problem. We've spent a while trying to correct it, and it is slowly getting better, but we haven't fixed it yet. Basically he just tries too hard as he's too worried about it. Several times he's been set up with a girl that likes him, but he'll just push too hard and scare them off. It's not easy to hold back, but you've got to take your time. Remember, friend first - sex second

 

[BarnabySchmidt]

If you're feeling insecure about your performance while doing the deed with a prospective future lady, this is my advice:

Hire an escort. Have sex with her. Enjoy yourself. It's eaaasy.

 

[Suzins]

Here's a free site, try this.

www.plentyoffish.com

Just don't give up and keep trying. Try and have a some fun while you're doing it too. Don't forget to smile. People would rather be around somebody who appears happy than somebody that seems miserable.

I went for ten years without sex LOL It's definitely possible to hop back on the bike.

Good luck!!

 

[Succulent-one]

If ever I needed a little help...


Hey people.

My problem is this: By December it'll be 3 years since I was last in a relationship, and since I last had sex. And to be completely honest, I don't see where the next girl is going to come from.

Over that time I had/made some excuses, final year of uni (I split up with the last ex so I could focus on my work and pick up a decent grade), then about 6 months waiting for, then recovering from, a pretty big operation.
But about a year ago the excuses ran out, and since then, aside from dating a girl once, and not getting past the clothed phase, I've been single and lame.

I think the problem might be self esteem. That and actually *doing* something to change things.
I've always been pretty insecure (attractive trait huh?) and the long lay-off has probably brought it back to the surface a bit. Rationally, I don't think I'm bad looking, and I'm in pretty good shape physically. Although I'm quiet and introverted, and holding a long conversation is often a struggle.
Plus, I feel like I'm not really sure about how to meet women you're not introduced to properly (ie, through a friend). Maybe that's a lack of practice too.

So, I'm looking for some help to pull my thumb out, stop being needy and insecure (easier said than done!), and hopefully get to the stage where I can go meet women without having to wait around in hope of stumbling into a relationship.

(I'll be looking for a relationship, although I wouldn't turn down casual sex either )


Any help?
Thanks

DONT BE SO HARD ON YOURSELF W have all been there at sometime. Look in the mirror and tell youself hey, I am pretty good looking I am a nice person I can be a good friend to someone special.

Then you try some internet dating services. One of the most sincere places I have found that does not have a lot of trolls is Match.com there are trolls everywhere. I have made a couple of fantastic friends on the internet. I have dated some great guys on the internet just none have worked out so far. Just don't give up, and send out a lot of flirts when you do sign up for a dating service, you will get some responses.

 

[MR.GGG]

Loosen up. Don't be too hard on yourself. Get out and be friendly but never act desperate. Women can smell desperate and they'll run like you've got the first case of transmissable bird flu.

Unless they're desperate themselves and then you may want to think twice about how desperate YOU are ....

 

[JohnnyA]

Wow, your original post sounds word for word like something I could have posted. I'm having the same problem, it's 5 years now for me.

Only thing I can say is that. I know, and you should too, that at some point in the near future the drought will end and you'll find someone. It's not a matter of if, but when.

 

[Felt Tip]

Thanks again guys.

The desperation is an interesting one. I guess a little while ago I'd got to the stage where I was pretty desperate, and making a half-ass job of trying to hide it.

But I've been doing one of those self-esteem exercises, looking for things that I like about myself, trying to focus on them, rather than the negatives.
I've also had a couple of recent encounters with very attractive looking women who had some very nasty prejudices. It felt very strange *not* wanting them!

So now I'm desperate and choosy


I was thinking about Succulent-One's comment too, not being so hard on myself.

I've started thinking about how I would talk to someone else who was in my position, had my flaws and problems, made my mistakes.
Turns out I'd be much nicer to them


Yet another epiphany has been my becoming much more aware of different levels of communication - how your superficial body language can say one thing, but your deeper body language can show something else, how your actions may show something about you in the moment, but your body language can show a more deep-set long-term quality.

I'm still getting to grips with it, as my explanation may suggest

But in the past it didn't really make sense how you could be trying to get somewhere with a girl without seeming needy.

I guess it's those levels of communication. You interact with her, but on a deeper level you can still show that she's not *too* important.
Although that probably depends on her not *being* too important.


So, for all that typing I still probably have to do something about that smell of desperation!

I figure that if I can tap into that deeper level, and put trying for a woman to one side, replacing it with allowing things to happen, then go take action on the more superficial level trying to meet women.
It still doesn't entirely fit together for me!

Maybe I need to want it, but just want it less.

I might be overcomplicating things

 

[yoshimitsu]

Go rent all the james bond movies and take notes. Then go find some superhottie secret agent to throw the supermac down on.