It was just an fantasy. But why not make it a reality.

[Neska94]

Hi, I'm looking for help from people who sometimes go online and find BDSM playmates (submissive, dominants or kinky folks).

First of all, I'm a 19 years old girl (young I know) and for all those 19 years of my life I never felt submissive toward anybody (of course when I was younger I didn't know anything about BDSM). I had some fling with girls and found myself acting all confident and dominant all the time, but I just thought maybe It's because we're girls and someone has to play the male part you know (silly thoughts).

But then I met a guy and I was still acting like that, the only thing that changed is that I was more subtle. I loved playing with his mind and then show him that he did what he said he wouldn't do because I made him. I had such a rush, but still I didn't know anything about D/s relationship.

Only two years ago I began to read Femdom books and it was like a light in the darkness. I went deeper in the subject and read all I could find, went to forums, some mistress's or submissive's blogs. And all those thoughts came in my head - I want to experience something like that, I want a relationship like that, I want friends like that. But STILL, it was only a fantasy you know. I'm 19 and shy to strangers how the hell would I find a sub willing to help me.

But then the day before yesterday I was on an English chat and there was this guy: _SubmissiveGuy, his name was calling out for me but I resisted, It was to good to be true really. Only yesterday I didn't resist and talk to him. He told me he was 38, and I was like dang it he'll think I'm way to young for him to talk to me about his BDSM lifestyle. How wrong was I. We talk about how he found he was a sub 4 years ago still in a relationship with a girl who didn't want to dominate him or even try, how interested I am in this subject, if dominating a man was something I wanted to try.

He then came to the conclusion : "It would be my pleasure to try to help you and serve you in anyway that I can Miss."
I told him I wasn't a Mistress, that until now all that was just a fantasy and that I didn't know how to begin something like that online so he should be warned. He said he was fine with that.

I began to take my life in hand and set goals for the future and I really want to make that "fantasy" a reality and see if I really want relationships like that in the future. So basically I'm asking for help to know how I should go about this, questions to ask ....

Thanks in advance .

 

[WishItsTrue_TG]

Dear Neska94,
I lived through an experience that might prove helpful. I was in the NYC SM club scene for years as a straight switch. I married a straight woman - because I loved her - and dropped out of the scene. Got divorced (didn't want to) and went back to the scene. ...and came across an ad from a woman in the most unlikely place where no one posted D/S ads.

It turned out she had dreamed of being a femdom for years but just didn't know any of the concrete realities needed to bring the fantasies to life. She didn't know how to do it, in RL. She did pretend to be experienced at first, to be more intimidating, as a powerful woman. That didn't fly very far. Her lack of experience and knowledge was obvious. (This is directed at you.) The truth was her lack of experience and knowledge threatened her self confidence. I told her subs are a dime a dozen. There are 60-80-100 subs for every domme. The only thing you have to bring to the scene is the Fire in your heart and Drive and Will power to do this. The Heart and Will Power you bring to this is the rarest thing to find in the scene, and the emotions and feeling which move you to action are the only things required. I don't know the exact numbers, but google up some statistics on the number of women who are femdoms per 1000 in the population. You'll see you are 1 in 500 women, or 1 in a 1000, or 1 in 5000. Those are the credentials you need. Say "I am 1 in 1000, and this is what I want to do." And the subs will thank their lucky stars that you are there, and they will fight among themselves to be near you.

(Of course your "SubmissiveGuy" jumped at the offer of being your slave. You're 1 in a 1000! 1 in 5000! All that you have to do is say, "I'm a Mistress," and you'll have a gang of men begging to serve you. "SubmissiveGuy" feels lucky you noticed him and he'll do anything to keep your attention. He knows there are 99 men behind him dying for their chance to meet you, and he's afraid of losing his place. If you don't like him or you want to trade up to someone better, just announce you're a Mistress, and more volunteers will rush to you. You're a wanted women, and you can have your pick of eager volunteers crowded at your feet. My guess is that you could expand your stable. You could added more subs, and "SubmissiveGuy" will reluctantly accept his place as just one of your collection of slaves. And if he doesn't, get rid of him, and replace him with a sub willing to be just one of your collection of slaves. Post an ad someplace, and see the number of responses you get. Lady, you can have a collection of slaves.)

I don't mean this in a salacious way, but check out the femdom vids on the net. Not in terms of any titillation they might provide. (You might have to gag through some window dressing meant to entice male buyers.) But they are tremendous sources of information. How do you tie someone up? You'll see a hundred examples, some quite ingenious and entertaining. Do you want to try things light or heavy? Watch some light scenes, watch some heavy scenes, and see which one get your pulse racing the fastest. Do you want to try some toys? Watch someone with a crop. Watch someone with an electronic shocking device. You'll walk away thinking, "I WANT to try That," or "Ugh! I don't like that." Remember, you don't have to act like the dommes you see. It is activities that interest you which is important. There are as many ways to run a scene as there are people in the scene. You run things the way you want to run them, and try out any activities the vids suggested might interest you.

One of the most instructive things you'll see is a wide variety of subs. Some will be timid men who cower in fear. Some will be stoic, and impassive no matter how intense the action. Most - in between. Some will be very demonstrative as the action unfolds, others will be stronger and taciturn under the night's entertainment. Find out the kind of man that entertains you the most. Watch some scenes, and you might come to a vid and say, "That's how I'd like the guy to act." The vids will give you an idea of the range of men available. Find, and use, the type of sub you find most entertaining.

I have one warning for you. The scene is about something you want to do, not individual relationship. (In spite of me saying this, the hardest thing to do in scene is get a good match between your tastes and his tastes. If you have a very good match between what you want to do and what he wants to do, appreciate it and value that person. Other wise, the guy is exchangeable.) You don't have to tell me this, I'm going to guess. You've imagined a lot of things you want to do already. It is the activities that drive you emotions, like some people want to play golf or tennis. What that is depends on the individual. Some people's imagination run to how the sub reacts to them. Another person craves a specific activity. If your imagination goes toward "golf," and he wants to play "tennis," you will be haunted by fantasies of "golf" and you'll live in disappointment that you're unsatisfied in your core desire. There is a core desire driving you, and time after time your fantasies will go back to it. Your "thing" might be subs who worship you as a goddess. It might be subs who cower in fear of your anger. No matter where you start out in the scene with SubmissiveGuy, that is the place you will eventually end up.

If you do end up watching some vids, stop at the ones that make you breathe the fastest, and the ones that make your heart pound the hardest. You'll know them. They will completely capture your attention and draw you into what is happening. Whatever it is that makes you breathe the hardest, make that your goal. You will be drawn to it by your own desires over time. If your sub doesn't do it, make him or replace him. When you're taking the concrete steps to make your ideas a reality, gear them to that goal. Whether your tastes run to the light or heavy, aim toward the things that get your heart racing the fastest, whatever it is. It is where you will eventually end, and you will not be happy with anything less.

A couple of practical notes. If you do want to try some vids to see what they can teach, there are file sharing sites that avoid the cost of retail purchases. They will show thumbnails, so you wouldn't be forced to sit through watching something you don't enjoy. There are ways around being 19, and not having much money. For the cost of a good lait, download services will zip down vids to your computer. I sure you could find volunteers to recommend good services to use, as well as safe url's to search for things you might like to see.

Equipment can be improvised. "How to" sites will provide instructions on making niffy items. Subs can donate stuff to the cause. Web outlets can provide bargains compared to local retailers. I definitely would recommend checking "How to" sites for any safety precautions they recommend. It's surprising the kind of "How to" information you can find, if you look for it.

I don't know where you live. In NYC, there was a club of amateurs who got together on a weekly basis, TES, The Eulenspiegel Society. They gave lectures on how to do things! SM-y and D/S type things. They were nice people, not monsters. Members would offer blueprints if you wanted equipment. Others would will tell you the best places you could purchase stuff. The dommes got together once a week - just the dommes - and exchanged notes, know-how, and encouragement. TES was international, with branches in the USA and Canada and who knows were else. If you're near a metropolitan area, there might be a chapter near you. The members I knew were like the people you'd find in a bowling league. I think (but I not really sure) there is a European equivalent, Janus. Who knows, you might find an established domme who'll take you in under her wing.

Get a sub and visit SM clubs. There's no mandatory participation. Stand on the sidelines and watch. They really aren't terrible places. My guess you'll get in free and he'll have to pay a cover. If you're nervous about going to such a den of iniquity, hang out on a street corner and check out the people who go there. A black business suit or facsimile is all the wardrobe you'll need. If you go dressed with anything severe, I'll bet you have a dozen subs kneeling at you feet, and you'll get a chance to experience that feeling. With a little effort you could find a sub who'll serve double duty as a bodyguard, if you're very nervous. There are subs that are aggressive (very) with men and submissive with women. A good source for sub hunting is Alt.com, but not everything may be as it appears. If there's a Eulenspiegel chapter nearby, they are a reliable source of ads. They're amateurs, but they make an honest and good faith effort to screen their posters. A Eulenspiegel newletter will list posters for hundreds of miles around their offices. If the SM clubs in your area have a 21 age limit, practice manipulating guys in the mean time. That's always useful, and it can be fun. Any college dorms rooms you could use? That's a place with other people around. Gag the slave to keep him quiet.

You said you wanted to have a group of friends like these. There are ways to use subs to establish your own clique in some SM club. Collect a few subs with good senses of humor who make people laugh and they can be employed to make a popular clique in a club - with you at the center. You'll find it easy to establish a clique if you employ subs that entertain visitors to your clique. If you find subs with good personalities, keep them. They're hard to find.

One thing. Get to know your sub before you try the wilder things to do. 99.9 % of subs are good guys (although you might find 90% are boring and 95% are morons), but be smart. Until you get to know them, meet in public places if you ever get together in person, and try the first action out in a club, with people all around. There are ways to test subs in public places like a club that will give you a good idea of how they'll act in private. Push them over their limits and see if they remain obedient. Test subs in clubs. The clubs have bouncers. No one wants to be surprised by a sub that acts differently when he gets very excited for the first time. Be smart and get to know your subs firsts.

I hope that's some help to you, Neska94. If you want to stay on line with SubmissiveGuy or move on to the next step, that should cover all the bases. The vids are instructive and they should give you ideas if you want to pursue this, no matter the level, from the privacy of your own room. Sorry I couldn't be more helpful for online stuff, but this should give you the ground work to cover all the different possibilities.

 

[Cone_ten]

Be safe and have fun. Start there and in that order. You've got a lot to learn to ensure fun, safe relationships and play for you and any subs. There is a lot of experience out there for you to lean on. Considering you just realized you might be interested in this aspect of sexuality a few days ago I have to disagree strongly with some of the previous poster's advice. That stuff will all come in time.

As young dominant woman you are pretty rare. You will be popular, but don't forget you can still be taken advantage of (both emotionally and otherwise). Before going to any clubs or parties take some time to read and learn. See whats out there. Talk to people here or on other sites. Please be careful in any online relationships, though they are a great way to start exploring what you like. Keep asking questions. Find local groups through google or a site like Fetlife, go to a munch or other non-sexual event, make friends both online and local and build a network. It's much easier and more fun with friends. Don't go to a party or club your first time without some. You can, but you'd probably have less fun.

Since it might relate to this thread, I am a male switch and had a domme of my own for quite some time. I can offer you advice from my own perspective, or even put you in touch with her and other dommes online. They would be able to advise you best, feel free to pm.

Just waltzing into a club with a "sub" you just recently met at 19 is likely to leave you in over your head. You've got time to find yourself in all this. Ease in, small steps.

 

[WishItsTrue_TG]

Cone_ten is right. His post was wiser than mine.
I'm sorry, Neska94, when I was writing, I was thinking of the dommes I know, and they were older, and tough, street-wise cookies in their 20's and 30's. I forgot I was writing to an inexperienced 19 y.o.
Cone_ten was right to say safety is first concern, and learning should be done little at time in safe settings. Follow his advise for the next few years.
Two.....three years from now......when you're an experienced old hand at this, re-read mine. My advise is good for ladies with "street-eyes," tough "old" ladies who have experience manipulating and using, and look out through cagey eyes at the street around them and know what's going on.
The idea of using vids to find what you enjoy doing is good. You can discover the things that attract you from the safety of your own room.
You can build a popular clique using subs who entertain visiting domme with witty comments from the sidelines. And you can get a good idea of how safe a sub is by pushing him in a safe setting. Watch if he gets angry. Watch if he remains obedient. There are subs that are tough asses on the street and submissive to you. It worth it to keep an eye out for tough ass subs. They're hard to find but very useful. Always keep an eye out for tough subs and recruit them when you find them. It's useful to have a tough lieutenant standing behind you who is dedicated to you. I've seen a sub take out TWO muggers to protect his domme. He was Fast with his hands. The pay he required was a smile. Some subs are useful because they entertain you. Some subs are useful because they fulfill functions for you.
.......But......re-read Cone_ten above. Remember what he said before you think of anything I said.

 

[Neska94]

Thanks

I want to say thank you, these are great advice which help a lot. Things are going well with SubmissiveGuy and the more I try things with him the more I wonder how it'd be in real life and not online because it seems like finally I found my thing. So I'll surely try to find a Domme who can take me under her wings and help me with aspects of that lifestyle that I know and don't know about