It strikes me as odd so I just have to ask...how much as the Life changed?

[coquettishsub]

i'm new to this site but not to this Lifestyle... i've been seeing this Dom for two years when it works for both of U/us which is not often so i don't have much insight in to how the communal guidelines, so to speak, have been changing. Tonight W/we argued because He went months with out talking to me for no apparent reason and He just found out that i had asked some Doms, who are friends from my vanilla life, for advice-strictly talk- my Dom is demanding that i not talk to Them ever, only Their subs. I think this is isolating and border line abusive, is this a common practice now? Also He is shocked and outraged that over the past months my limits have changed. i guess i had always assumed that everyone's did from time to time and am taking this as a sign of more unsafe control issues, and i running for the hills without reason? Do I keep running? Submit as i would have before? Or play it out?

 

[Stella_Omega]

Sure, lots of doms have made that demand on their subs over the years.

Likewise lots of doms have never made that demand.

Its up to you to decide if that's the kind of power you want to be giving away.

(The old guard leathermen have a lot of very funny stories about how they had rules that only a Top could be president of a club, but the Tops never got anything done, and it turned out that subs were actually better at presidencies and stuff like that. Then it would happen that the tops would have to take orders from a sub during meetings... )

 

[Lrn_The_Ropes]

I don't believe that is an appropriate way to treat a sub. However I'm new to this and I could be wrong.

 

[ecstaticsub]

If my Dominant went a week let alone months without talking to me for no apparent reason my relationship would be over.

As far as not talking to other dominants -- that is not that uncommon. I don't think it is abusive.

My personal opinion is if he went months without talking to you then that is as if the relationship ended and then restarted. You have the right to change your limits whenever you want, especially at a re-start. He, of course has the right to decide he will not honor your limits and is free to leave the relationship. As are you too if he will not honor your limits.

What will you do if he suddenly disappeared for months again?

 

[EmeraldRough]

@ coquettishsub

My husband and I have tettered along the border of a D/s relationship for a few years now and over the last year have really started to wade in deeper and further as we learn to understand it better. But we had the trust built between us before we ever began and besides a bit of online chat before I'd met my husband, I've never been in another actual D/s relationship.

That being said, I would advise you to take everything with a grain of salt. A D/s relationship can be very rewarding in it's own way and completely worth the commitments on both sides. But I will ALWAYS advise others to stop and take a step back if they feel like there is a red light flashing to consider what the other person is asking or doing in their role of a Dom if it strikes the wrong cord with you. It means that you've found a limit of yours and you need to consider it before you allow them reign over it. Understand what YOU are comfortable with before giving them control. It is a wonderful feeling to give up that control and devote yourself completely to the pleasure of your Partner for a time. But do not forget who you are.

I know that if I were personally in your shoes, I would be glad to see that the Dom is interested in taking part in your life once more - but I also know from personal experience that being cut off from friends throws up a red flag of my own. A D/s relationship, while it can be amazingly rewarding with the right person, can also be terribly destructive with the wrong. I can understand if he has a problem with one of your friends. But several? Remember that if you ever fall out with him again for a long stretch of time, all you are going to have left are friends and family. Do not let him cut them out too quickly - if at all. I am a HUGE believer when it comes to family. If he wants to keep you away then you may need to consider drawing a line.

Now if he wants you to just not talk to them about BDSM, that's one thing. But if he wants you to cut off your ties with your friends completely - that's another.

I believe you are right to be weary. When you are giving someone control over you, you are giving them a gift. Not their birth right. Just as surely as you give it, you can also take it away if he becomes too painful or abusive. I love my D/s relationship with my husband, but like I said, we were married and knew we could trust each other before we started exploring it. Be careful with who you allow to have power over you, especially when it seems he could so easily leave you once already. I think becoming dependent upon him would be unwise if you feel he could leave again.

Or that could be my abandonment issues speaking up. =P

Stay strong sweetie.

 

[BrightlyGo]

The Scene or The Life isn't some monolithic monoculture. There's room for individually, even for us subs. If this circle of Doms Y/you are friends with have some understanding about policing sub behaviors, They should have told you about it. If your limits have changed they've changed - if they didn't how could Dom(me)s push/test/explore them? And, unless it's some sort of silent treatment punishment, being incommunicado for a month seems at least inconsiderate.

Do what's right for you: you can be a fulfilled submissive without reference to any formal, defacto or imagined community.

 

[morals_forgotte]

I know that if I were personally in your shoes, I would be glad to see that the Dom is interested in taking part in your life once more - but I also know from personal experience that being cut off from friends throws up a red flag of my own. A D/s relationship, while it can be amazingly rewarding with the right person, can also be terribly destructive with the wrong.

I kinda have to disagree with you on that. A proper Dom won't just up and stop talking to their sub and then expect the sub to forget the abandonment when they come back. Sounds more like the dom had a little something on the side and when things got hotter with the side dish, he considered that to be the main and droppex the op. It's just my opinion but it sounds like this is what happened then this "dom" got dropped by the other girl and is expecting this girl to take him back without question.

And that the op should be happy that the dom wants her again, a sub, no matter if she calls herself a slut or a slave or whatever, is a person and usually a person with their own sense of pride. A dom doesnt command a sub to get rid of her pride, a dom accepts the submission that the sub gives because she has the right to take it back should he not deserve it or respect it.

 

[Felonious1]

i'm new to this site but not to this Lifestyle... i've been seeing this Dom for two years when it works for both of U/us which is not often so i don't have much insight in to how the communal guidelines, so to speak, have been changing. Tonight W/we argued because He went months with out talking to me for no apparent reason and He just found out that i had asked some Doms, who are friends from my vanilla life, for advice-strictly talk- my Dom is demanding that i not talk to Them ever, only Their subs. I think this is isolating and border line abusive, is this a common practice now? Also He is shocked and outraged that over the past months my limits have changed. i guess i had always assumed that everyone's did from time to time and am taking this as a sign of more unsafe control issues, and i running for the hills without reason? Do I keep running? Submit as i would have before? Or play it out?

You obviously weren't valued, loved or respected the first time around by this so-called "Dom"........... else wise you wouldn't have been abandoned.

Past behavior is always the best barometer for future behavior. Forget what's being said to you now that he's hoping will bring on a desired result to fulfill his needs, and revert back to how things went down before.

Now all that being said...........what makes you think this time around will end any better?

 

[welkin]

Every relationship is different. Even if it is common practice that no other sub ever spoke to any other dom, if you don't think you'd like this rule, then you have every right to negotiate so that you can speak to other doms. There is no point to say "but that's how all these othe subs are" becaus you know what? If you had to conform with the majority, you wouldn't be doing any bdsm at all.

Do and accept only what makes you comfortable and fulfilled.

 

[Que]

Sure you CAN isolate if that's what you and he want..I've never seen the point.

If there was one person or the other who he felt was leading you in a counter-direction or even if it just erped him, rationally or irrationally, that I get. But ceasing all contact is silly in my view.

I find it extremely annoying when some individual I am talking to meets a "twu dom" who from his mother's basement demands she cease contact with all but him.

Inevitably, that falls apart. I have meanwhile lost all interest in the individual that is so easily isolated.

Your Dom of all DOMS!! strikes me as insecure and a bit passive aggressive.

What was his aim in the silent treatment? You were supposed to guess he wanted exclusivity of communication?

 

[marieR19]

Communication.

From your post, it sounds like these months without talking to your Dom were *not* planned or spoken of beforehand. That's huge. That's not just "it makes me feel bad" or whatever, that's *abandonment*. Screw the fact that he's your "Dom", a good Dom would *not* abandon their precious sub for months on end with absolutely no explanation. That's simply not a healthy relationship, regardless of D/s status.

As for being upset that you spoke with other Doms.... Again, communication. Has he ever *told* you that is not okay, told you not to speak with certain people or groups of people? If he's never communicated that to you in any way, then there was *no* way for you to have known what he felt/thought, and therefore he has *no* right to get angry.

It sounds like he has some serious issues communicating with you, and that's sort of a really big deal in the bdsm world.

 

[Primalex]

I would picture two more or less overlapping circles.

One is dominance by control. This is where dominance is tied to supervision and ..uhm..control. This can range from the placement of the towels up to deciding your social environment.

The other one is dominance by power. This includes all ranges of emotions (control by fear, love, pain, desire, ...), wealth, force.

All this again comes in a consensual and non-consensual form. For example, installing a keylogger on your computer is the non-consensual form of dominance by controlling your social environment. Denying money for medical care the non-consensual form of dominance by wealth. The non-consensual form of dominance by force is usually called rape.

I avoided the labels like "good" or "bad". Activities that make you question your relationship are usually bad, no matter where on the map they would reside.

 

[DVS]

i'm new to this site but not to this Lifestyle... i've been seeing this Dom for two years when it works for both of U/us which is not often so i don't have much insight in to how the communal guidelines, so to speak, have been changing. Tonight W/we argued because He went months with out talking to me for no apparent reason and He just found out that i had asked some Doms, who are friends from my vanilla life, for advice-strictly talk- my Dom is demanding that i not talk to Them ever, only Their subs. I think this is isolating and border line abusive, is this a common practice now? Also He is shocked and outraged that over the past months my limits have changed. i guess i had always assumed that everyone's did from time to time and am taking this as a sign of more unsafe control issues, and i running for the hills without reason? Do I keep running? Submit as i would have before? Or play it out?

Not talking to you for so long just seems childish to me. And I've always considered doms who force their submissive to not talk to other doms are just insecure in their manly prowess. The way I see it, if he can keep you from talking to other doms, there's less of a chance you will be tempted by one. The fewer people you talk to, the more control he has over you.

I think it's kind of stupid, but it's not that uncommon. On fetlife, you'll see quite a bit where submissives will have something in their profile, "you must contact my master/dom/sir to get permission to contact me" type of thing. Take it how you will. Again, I think it's just insecurity, on his part.

 

[KoPilot]

Not talking to you for so long just seems childish to me. And I've always considered doms who force their submissive to not talk to other doms are just insecure in their manly prowess. The way I see it, if he can keep you from talking to other doms, there's less of a chance you will be tempted by one. The fewer people you talk to, the more control he has over you.

I think it's kind of stupid, but it's not that uncommon. On fetlife, you'll see quite a bit where submissives will have something in their profile, "you must contact my master/dom/sir to get permission to contact me" type of thing. Take it how you will. Again, I think it's just insecurity, on his part.

Sounds like the kink version of "he/she isn't allowed to have any female/male friends". I mean, how often does that not make you look absolutely ridiculous to others for requiring that?

 

[coquettishsub]

Thanks

Thanks to all of you for sharing your opinions, advice, and experiences. It's sad that I've become so unsure of myself that I had to ask a bunch of strangers for confirmation of all the things I already felt... Part of the wonder of the communities created by any alternative lifestyle is the support that we can lend one another, it's part of why I fell in love with this subculture to begin with. Thank you for reminding me.

 

[theGM26]

Not talking to you for so long just seems childish to me. And I've always considered doms who force their submissive to not talk to other doms are just insecure in their manly prowess. The way I see it, if he can keep you from talking to other doms, there's less of a chance you will be tempted by one. The fewer people you talk to, the more control he has over you.

I think it's kind of stupid, but it's not that uncommon. On fetlife, you'll see quite a bit where submissives will have something in their profile, "you must contact my master/dom/sir to get permission to contact me" type of thing. Take it how you will. Again, I think it's just insecurity, on his part.

Well lets pose this question, is being insecure a bad thing? We do not know the full story.

I wont lie I get very jealous, but I let my subs know. I've been tempted to request no contact from another dom.

Its all personal preference. As long as the people involved are communicating, nothing should be a surprise. If you don't like the no contact rule then OP, tell him about it. If hes a respectable dom, he'll know he's stepped out of line and compromise in some way.

 

[DVS]

Well lets pose this question, is being insecure a bad thing? We do not know the full story.

I wont lie I get very jealous, but I let my subs know. I've been tempted to request no contact from another dom.

Its all personal preference. As long as the people involved are communicating, nothing should be a surprise. If you don't like the no contact rule then OP, tell him about it. If hes a respectable dom, he'll know he's stepped out of line and compromise in some way.

Exactly, but personal preference for limiting contact with others is also a trait of abuse. While just that alone can't be considered abusive, it is always there in an abusive relationship.

And yes, if someone makes that demand and the submissive doesn't like it, she can say so. But there are many newbie subs out there that don't know the difference and can only assume this is a normal part of the submission process. It's not. Not all doms desire (some require) this and it should be understood as a negotiable desire of the dom. If the sub is OK with it, that's fine. But many don't know it's negotiable. Some assume it's a requirement for submitting.

Not all doms who request a no contact understanding are fake, but some are fake doms. And these fakes prey on newbie subs just for that purpose. They aren't really doms. They are abusers using the BDSM lifestyle for their purposes. And many abusers have a need to totally control someone. Subs who don't know the difference get caught up in such a relationship and then they can't get out.

Some submissives enjoy the limited contact thing. They see it as a total desire of one over another. If they enjoy it, fine. But they should know it is also a trait of an abusive relationship. Once they understand everything and still go forward with the relationship, it's their choice.

This is a teaching forum. We list out things that should be mentioned so newbies can learn. Sometimes, people get offended, assuming something they enjoy is being condemned as abusive. As long as everything is communicated and both parties completely understand that EVERYTHING is negotiable...and they still submit to something the dom desires, then there is nothing wrong with it.

 

[Master276]

i'm new to this site but not to this Lifestyle... i've been seeing this Dom for two years when it works for both of U/us which is not often so i don't have much insight in to how the communal guidelines, so to speak, have been changing. Tonight W/we argued because He went months with out talking to me for no apparent reason and He just found out that i had asked some Doms, who are friends from my vanilla life, for advice-strictly talk- my Dom is demanding that i not talk to Them ever, only Their subs. I think this is isolating and border line abusive, is this a common practice now? Also He is shocked and outraged that over the past months my limits have changed. i guess i had always assumed that everyone's did from time to time and am taking this as a sign of more unsafe control issues, and i running for the hills without reason? Do I keep running? Submit as i would have before? Or play it out?

Nor,ally I don't get involved with threads cause I'm the quiet dominant type, I have two comments.

1. The request isn't that odd it would follow the normal protocol for the situation.

2. Speaking as a dominant, the lifestyle has changed over the years but not that much, I do have a word of warning. You will find the occasional Dom or sub who is completely off his or her rocker. so it is best to always be mindful of that