It is like a drug.......

[Kajira Callista]

....you are addicted, the relationship is perfect. But then it ends suddenly and you are left with the emotional issues involved in being released(such as trying to figure out what you did wrong)?, your need for the pain/pleasure you became used to...that made you feel real isnt there anymore,you have no one to serve, you are alone and afraid again. How do you move past it, how do you heal alone? Dom/mes how do you handle your loss also. This isnt just about sub/slaves....there is pain for you also, how do you move past it? How do you heal?

 

[Princessintrng]

Healing

For me it was by stepping back from the pain and feeling of lose and seeing what I learned from the relationship, how it had a positive effect on my life and how it ending was necessary for me to take what I learned and move forward. It helps I guess that I believe everyone comes into my life for a reason and though they may not always be my life partner, they will always be a part of my life. I can look back and see how everyone I have met in my life has left a thumbprint that has helped to shape me and my life.

Hope this helps.

 

[FungiUg]

You're right, it's not just about being dominant or submissive. What you are experiencing is loss, and grief at the loss.

There's another thread on here about grief -- you may want to have a look at that.

I remember just how utterly shattered and torn apart I was after I broke up with my ex-wife, and how long it took me to deal with it. Add to that the sexual frustration, and it's just a daily nightmare!

Things I found helped:

1. Music
2. Loads of social time with friends
3. Organising events for myself so I didn't just sit around feeling sorry for myself
4. Writing -- in fact, that's how I started writing erotica

Overall, make time to care for yourself.

 

[PhilFantasy]

reply

Believe it or not, it could take even a couple of years to get over that. I broke up with 'the g/f from hell' and stupid as it sounds - I still missed the bitch for ages. We're talking months here, not weeks. But it does get better - time heals all as they say...

When you've invested too much in someone who couldn't care much at all, that's the really sore part. And no suprise you won't get over it 'overnight' if you're talking about a relationship that lasted a few years or even more.

Hope that helped.

 

[Kajira Callista]

Thanks guys, im not sure this thread is so much about me as it is about the feelings in general. I kind of feel that a Ds relationship is a deep bond, there is a closeness that is there that isnt in most other relationships. I also wanted to know how a Dominant handles this type of thing because i know alot of times whats show on the outside is not whats brewing on the inside of a Dom. I know sub.slaves feel like they did something wrong or want a chance to fix something even if there was nothing to be fixed, it is how we work...i dont understand Dom think real well though and you helped me see to other side a little.

 

[sabersedge]

I would say this is more a relationship issue then a BDSM issue. You can get someone else to share the experiences with you. It is more missing the person who knows you, you loved, you cared for, you put everything into the relationship for.

Things changed whether for your lacking in some way, your reaction to them, there short comings, there being tempted away or growing out of what you both wanted at one time. You have to work at staying together all the time otherwise it is very easy to grow apart.

Once it ends. Do all the things you enjoy. Try to limit those things you enjoyed with the other person if possible. Keep busy and active in fun things. This is not always easy depending on your locale. Some areas offer a lot of social groups for people some have very little.

 

[Princessintrng]

Oops

Thanks guys, im not sure this thread is so much about me as it is about the feelings in general. I kind of feel that a Ds relationship is a deep bond, there is a closeness that is there that isnt in most other relationships. I also wanted to know how a Dominant handles this type of thing because i know alot of times whats show on the outside is not whats brewing on the inside of a Dom. I know sub.slaves feel like they did something wrong or want a chance to fix something even if there was nothing to be fixed, it is how we work...i dont understand Dom think real well though and you helped me see to other side a little.

Sorry, I misunderstood, but I think you are right when you say in a D/s relationship the bonds are deeper. I think because in D/s there has to be so much more communication and trust it is a much deeper bond. I know my first and only D/s breakup left me feeling like I had done something wrong, or I didn't please him etc. I think that is true with most females in a relationship, but most especially for submissives because we thrive on giving, serving and pleasing the Dom\me we are with. Just my 2 cents worth.

 

[sabersedge]

Re: Oops

Sorry, I misunderstood, but I think you are right when you say in a D/s relationship the bonds are deeper. I think because in D/s there has to be so much more communication and trust it is a much deeper bond. I know my first and only D/s breakup left me feeling like I had done something wrong, or I didn't please him etc. I think that is true with most females in a relationship, but most especially for submissives because we thrive on giving, serving and pleasing the Dom\me we are with. Just my 2 cents worth.

I agree. For a Dom if you are committed to the relationship you are supposed to know how to make it right. You lead the partnership and should have the tools to make the relationship work. If the sub is taking your lead you feel things should work out. Not that the sub should only do what you say or feel should fix the relationship. She should be suggesting what she feels will correct the problem also. I am just stating from a Dom's perspective of how he might feel responsible for the failure.

But that is the whole key here. Neither of us, Dom or sub, is GOD. You dont know everything and it takes both to work through things. Sometimes a relationship is so damaged it is bound to fail after that point has been reached.

 

[DisGirlisNutz]

i jsut got out of a relatioship with a guy that meant the world to me... the only problem was depression.... it takes time....keep yourself busy.. it has been 7 weeks for me.. and i still feel hurt but the knots are finally going away.... hand in there... i know it is hard... and nothing i can say or do will make you feel better... only time will make the pain and mysery go away...

on my pic thread there is a story about the break up...Should you want to read it.. it is ca couple of pages in....

Take care
DGN

 

[Limbhugger]

For me, it is not a drug. I could never fathom sharing this side of myself with someone whom I did not love. And the one who I love has all the keys.

 

[Kajira Callista]

For me, it is not a drug. I could never fathom sharing this side of myself with someone whom I did not love. And the one who I love has all the keys.

And when they go....you are either locked in or locked out *shrugs*

 

[A Desert Rose]

And when they go....you are either locked in or locked out *shrugs*

In cases like this, always make sure to have your cell phone with you to call a locksmith.

 

[Kajira Callista]

In cases like this, always make sure to have your cell phone with you to call a locksmith.

ADR comes thru again! lol *hug*

 

[AnelizeDarkEyes]

I find the addiction reference interesting, as well as the bitter tone displayed in some of these posts. My opinion is this...

Take time to clean your side of the street and work on your emotional and mental baggage. Look at the ending of a relationship as not so much a crisis as an opportunity to become MORE than what you are.

It is my belief that many Doms do not want to save damaged individuals, who will become addicted to them at the first scene. They want strong, self-sustaining women and men who have their shit together. Not people who are crying "save me".

YMMV.

~anelize

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

If a relationship is like a drug, it is an unhealthy realtionship, IMO. There is something wrong with a person or situation making you feel complete. You should be mentally aned emotionally 'complete'(or some approximation of it) on your own, and the relationship should be an addition to your life, not the foundation of your life.

BTW, that 'high' feeling you get from being in a relationship(past the first few weeks, anyways)? That is a function of a person's pathology being hyperstimulated by the unhealthy situation.

 

[Shadowsdream]

....you are addicted, the relationship is perfect. But then it ends suddenly and you are left with the emotional issues involved in being released(such as trying to figure out what you did wrong)?, your need for the pain/pleasure you became used to...that made you feel real isnt there anymore,you have no one to serve, you are alone and afraid again. How do you move past it, how do you heal alone? Dom/mes how do you handle your loss also. This isnt just about sub/slaves....there is pain for you also, how do you move past it? How do you heal?

Perfection is unattainable but I see where you are going. There is an elation in a BDSM relationship and its edgy winds and waves both physically and emotionally does tend to make it all encompassing.

I have released a submissive or two in My travels and they have never been left in doubt as to why. Generally it is an accumulation of small things that add up and a lack of listening. I am a Domme that does not enjoy repeating myself over and over again.

By the time the release has occured I have dealt with the emotions of disappointment and a state of boredom is already occuring.

I do not believe that ALL Dominants are looking for the "stand on your own feet" submissives and some do enjoy the "healing" and "strengthening" of Their chosen on.

There is a match for each personality type and in each painful lesson there is growth if one will simply look for the positives that went into the journey before release or loss.

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

I'm gonna agree with you, Shadowsdream, about how relationships don't 'suddenly' end: there is usually plenty of buildup before someone reaches the breaking point.

On the other hand, for someone who thinks relatinships are 'like a drug', there may often be a willful disregards for the reality of the situation. If they have idealized the relationship, then they will blind themselves to teh negatives, and the breakup will seem to come out of the blue.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I tend to steer clear of anything which resembles addiction in any form, as like Anelize I see it as an unhealthy sign that usually means you are headed for disaster and need to look seriously at why you are feeling this addictive need, what void you are trying to fill with that relationship, what responsibility you are bestwoing upon the uinsuspecting partner. It puts pressure on the relationship, and more so the other person. I adore my Master and cannot imagine life without him, and as we both agree, we have trouble remembering a time when we weren't as one....but that is tempered with a realisation that as painful as the unthinkable would be in that one of us dies (as that is the only way we will be seperated), the other would in time find the strength to continue and honour that love in doing so. It is the strength that we both have which sustains the relationship through the rougher days, not a weakness and incapacity which sucks it dry.

I think the ending of any relationship is painful, even when you know it is for the best. There is that letting go of the dream, the acknowledging of an ending of something you once thought held promise, otherwise you would never have continued with it in the first place hopefully. But through that pain there is an opportunity to grow, learn, and evolve, defining your needs more precisely each time. Like the saying goes, 'It is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all'. You don't die, you don't stop breathing, and hopefully you don't carry that pain and bitterness into the subsequent relationships. Unfortunately many do, vowing before meeting the next prospective partner they will never allow them to experience that part of them they felt was so unappreciated by the last partner. How can such a negativity produce anything resembling a successful relationship? How can anyone hold someone they have never met responsible for the problems in previous relationships? It is not rational, it is not healthy, but it happens more often than many admit. Look realistically at the relationship, take responsibility for your part in the outcome, and use it in a positive sense to make the next one that much more successful.

Catalina

 

[A Desert Rose]

Re: Re: It is like a drug.......

Perfection is unattainable but I see where you are going. There is an elation in a BDSM relationship and its edgy winds and waves both physically and emotionally does tend to make it all encompassing.

I have released a submissive or two in My travels and they have never been left in doubt as to why. Generally it is an accumulation of small things that add up and a lack of listening. I am a Domme that does not enjoy repeating myself over and over again.

By the time the release has occured I have dealt with the emotions of disappointment and a state of boredom is already occuring.

I do not believe that ALL Dominants are looking for the "stand on your own feet" submissives and some do enjoy the "healing" and "strengthening" of Their chosen on.

There is a match for each personality type and in each painful lesson there is growth if one will simply look for the positives that went into the journey before release or loss.

You have such a nice way of saying things, Ma'am.

Happy New Year.

 

[FungiUg]

I kind of feel that a Ds relationship is a deep bond, there is a closeness that is there that isnt in most other relationships.

I have to say that I view this as a common mistake of D/s practitioners -- that D/s relationships are "better/more intense/etc" than others.

One thing to keep in mind is that relationships are made up entirely of the people in them. So in reality, a relationship for someone who is into D/s is always going to be more satisfying if it includes D/s than one that does not.

But that's not to say the same is true for those who aren't into D/s. A deep bonding relationship is possible for nearly everyone (except those who have psychological issues.) Humans are built that way. It doesn't take D/s to make it a "deep bond".

The upshot of this is that there's no competition when it comes to grief. Someone grieving over the loss of a D/s relationship is likely to handle the SAME issues as someone who is grieving over the loss of a non-D/s relationship.

It's all about point of view. I know KC has the heart and soul of a true submissive, and for her, a D/s relationship will always be deeper and more fulfilling. But... the grief she feels can also be experienced by others who are not into D/s.

I also wanted to know how a Dominant handles this type of thing because i know alot of times whats show on the outside is not whats brewing on the inside of a Dom. I know sub.slaves feel like they did something wrong or want a chance to fix something even if there was nothing to be fixed, it is how we work...i dont understand Dom think real well though and you helped me see to other side a little.

Again, I think a common mistake -- "I did something wrong and that's why the relationship ended." Reality is way more complex than that! And it takes TWO (or more) people to form a relationship, so in reality, a break-up is never one-sided. Both partners contribute to the formation of a relationship, and similarly, both contribute to the disolution of a relationship.

Of course you can assign blame, and work out who was more to blame, etc. I'm not sure that's an entirely productive thing to do.

For me, one thing I do is try and think "what can I learn from the relationship?" I think that's a better approach to just feeling guilty. Some things you can't change (for example, my ex-wife deciding she was gay), but some things you can improve on. So best to focus on those.

Of course, we don't have to wait until a relationship is over to do the review of what can be done better. Part of communicating within a relationship is "How are we going? What works, what doesn't? How can we improve?" When we begin to take our relationships for granted is usually when they begin to die.

So... how does a Dom handle loss compared to a sub? While different personalities do handle grief differently, I can't say I would expect there to be a difference between a Dom and a sub as a rule. Two Doms could handle grief quite differently.

My guess is what you are really asking, KC, is how is the Dom you broke up with handling it? Is he grieving, does he feel a sense of loss, is he coping with the same "what did I do wrong" thoughts?

And that's a question that's impossible for us to answer. I know with the break up from my ex-wife, there were many times I wanted to know whether she missed me, whether she felt the same emptiness and hollowness and bewilderment as I did. Whether she woke up each morning wondering who the hell she was, and what was she going to do with her life.

I guess it would have made me feel better to know that after the time we spent together, she did feel a sense of loss, and that I wasn't a waste of her time. But in reality, it was neither here nor there for dealing with my own loss. I needed to become myself again, to learn once again that I was my own person, and not defined by my relationships. And that is a huge lesson, one we learn over and over.

Grief is a tremendously hard thing to weather -- irrespective of whether you are D/s. Irrespective of whether you are gay or heterosexual. Irrespective of age. The loss of someone who forms a large part of your life is just plain hard.

 

[FungiUg]

If a relationship is like a drug, it is an unhealthy realtionship, IMO.

Hmmm... I didn't read it that way. I thought it wasn't so much that the relationship was like a drug, as the loss of the relationship is like the craving for a drug that an addict must feel. For me, from my own experience, that comparison is quite apt.

As to whether that is unhealthy? Well, it's not hard to look at a relationship and say "that aspect is unhealthy." None of us are perfect. But I don't know I would go so far as to say that the craving we feel for that we have lost is unhealthy in general.

 

[BlueSugar]

getting out of a relationship ... I don't turn on the tv, or radio because they're out to get me... I'm convinced.

I pamper myself, take care of myself, have stupid girl nights, drive around and collect the perfect meal:

frys from mc donalds
sandwhich from wendy's
chicken rings from white castle
some other stuff from my favorite places
chicken dumplings
sushi...
haagen daaze
fruit

indulge in all the things he hated, movies, music, foods, smells... I even cut my hair once because he LOVED long hair... so did I ... but I didn't cut it for the few years we were together, so I chopped 6 inches off ... it was nice.



but as for in a relationship, and it feels like a drug... I always get
NIN's Perfect Drug from the Lost Highway soundtrack stuck in my head...

I got my head but my head is unraveling
cant keep control can't keep track of where it's traveling
I got my heart but my heart's no good
you're the only one that's understood

I come along but I don't know where you're taking me
I shouldn't go but you're wrenching dragging shaking me
turn off the sun pull the stars from the sky
the more I give to you the more I die

and I want you

you are the perfect drug
the perfect drug
the perfect drug
the perfect drug

you make me hard when i'm all soft inside
I see the truth when i'm all stupid-eyed
the arrow goes straight through my heart
without you everything just falls apart

my blood just wants to say hello to you
my fear is warm to get inside of you
my soul is so afraid to realize
how every little bit is left of me

take me with you
without you everything just falls apart
it's not as much fun to pick up the pieces

 

[redelicious]

I have to say that I view this as a common mistake of D/s practitioners -- that D/s relationships are "better/more intense/etc" than others.

One thing to keep in mind is that relationships are made up entirely of the people in them. So in reality, a relationship for someone who is into D/s is always going to be more satisfying if it includes D/s than one that does not.

But that's not to say the same is true for those who aren't into D/s. A deep bonding relationship is possible for nearly everyone (except those who have psychological issues.) Humans are built that way. It doesn't take D/s to make it a "deep bond".

The upshot of this is that there's no competition when it comes to grief. Someone grieving over the loss of a D/s relationship is likely to handle the SAME issues as someone who is grieving over the loss of a non-D/s relationship.

It's all about point of view. I know KC has the heart and soul of a true submissive, and for her, a D/s relationship will always be deeper and more fulfilling. But... the grief she feels can also be experienced by others who are not into D/s.



Again, I think a common mistake -- "I did something wrong and that's why the relationship ended." Reality is way more complex than that! And it takes TWO (or more) people to form a relationship, so in reality, a break-up is never one-sided. Both partners contribute to the formation of a relationship, and similarly, both contribute to the disolution of a relationship.

Of course you can assign blame, and work out who was more to blame, etc. I'm not sure that's an entirely productive thing to do.

For me, one thing I do is try and think "what can I learn from the relationship?" I think that's a better approach to just feeling guilty. Some things you can't change (for example, my ex-wife deciding she was gay), but some things you can improve on. So best to focus on those.

Of course, we don't have to wait until a relationship is over to do the review of what can be done better. Part of communicating within a relationship is "How are we going? What works, what doesn't? How can we improve?" When we begin to take our relationships for granted is usually when they begin to die.

So... how does a Dom handle loss compared to a sub? While different personalities do handle grief differently, I can't say I would expect there to be a difference between a Dom and a sub as a rule. Two Doms could handle grief quite differently.

My guess is what you are really asking, KC, is how is the Dom you broke up with handling it? Is he grieving, does he feel a sense of loss, is he coping with the same "what did I do wrong" thoughts?

And that's a question that's impossible for us to answer. I know with the break up from my ex-wife, there were many times I wanted to know whether she missed me, whether she felt the same emptiness and hollowness and bewilderment as I did. Whether she woke up each morning wondering who the hell she was, and what was she going to do with her life.

I guess it would have made me feel better to know that after the time we spent together, she did feel a sense of loss, and that I wasn't a waste of her time. But in reality, it was neither here nor there for dealing with my own loss. I needed to become myself again, to learn once again that I was my own person, and not defined by my relationships. And that is a huge lesson, one we learn over and over.

Grief is a tremendously hard thing to weather -- irrespective of whether you are D/s. Irrespective of whether you are gay or heterosexual. Irrespective of age. The loss of someone who forms a large part of your life is just plain hard.

Fungi, you know I tend to be in the same camp with KC regarding the intensity of D/s relationships vs. others, but I just had to tell you what a damn good response this was.

 

[FungiUg]

Fungi, you know I tend to be in the same camp with KC regarding the intensity of D/s relationships vs. others, but I just had to tell you what a damn good response this was.

Thank you. I know you feel that way about D/s relationships (we've had that as a conversation before) and you are by no means unique in that respect.

The thing is... I have been through several incredibly intense losses in my life, and none of them where D/s related. I have been through one loss that was D/s related, and it wasn't as intense. So from my own personal experience, D/s doesn't necessarily make the relationship more intense.

But I would say that anything you share with a partner is more likely to make a break-up more intense -- the more you share, the more intense the loss will be. So perhaps that's why people into D/s feel their D/s relationships are more intense? Because they can share such a huge part of themselves that they normally cannot?

Of course, it could just be that I am a contrary bastard who refuses to run with the crowd... nah, couldn't be that, could it?

 

[redelicious]

But I would say that anything you share with a partner is more likely to make a break-up more intense -- the more you share, the more intense the loss will be. So perhaps that's why people into D/s feel their D/s relationships are more intense? Because they can share such a huge part of themselves that they normally cannot?

Good point.

Of course, it could just be that I am a contrary bastard who refuses to run with the crowd... nah, couldn't be that, could it?

Noooooooo, not you.