Is this wrong of me to think?

[VFaulkon]

I didn't know where else I could ask this and get some honest responses, so please bear with me a moment.

I am currently untouched and not particularly happy about it, which as you imagine has caused me to picture sex rather vividly (and frequently) in my free time. And I know exactly what it is I'm craving from the experience, but I don't know if one key thing I'm looking for is something realistic or simply the stuff of fantasy. Because of that, I need some perspective on this, if only for peace of mind.

I want to say 'I love you' to her as we press against each other. I don't mean I want it to be with a girlfriend specifically, though, just to say that in the heat of passion and not have the girl get weirded out (especially not in the middle of things). I just picture myself feeling her warmth, her skin, wrapping my arms around her as I'm warming her up, and I don't know if it'd be cool to let those words slip out.

Normally this wouldn't necessarily be a major problem; I can keep my own knee-jerk emotions in check most of the time. But I think I would be able to really and truly love someone just for that one night. Y'know, kinda throw my entire being into the moment, dedicate myself entirely to it, but then resort to my normal feelings afterwards, be it love, like, indifference, whatever.

Basically, I'm wondering if it's unusual (or more importantly, would it be appreciated for what it is) if I poured my heart and soul into someone for one night, and woke up the next morning knowing what I said during the act doesn't necessarily apply afterward. I don't know if I'm describing this properly, but that's the gist of it I think. I'm not trying to come off as a jackass, luring a girl in with the promise of a relationship or anything like that. Ugh...this is too complicated for me. I hope I'm coming off clearly...

Anyway, provided I made any sense, can I get some outside views on this please?

 

[M's girl]

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[Nicodemus79]

I think there are many different definitions of love, and I think that what you're describing can be defined as love. I think that it's completely possible to love another person in any given moment, and that love may not be the same romantic, monogamous, long-term love that most people think about when it comes to sex, but I don't think that is the only kind of love there is.

That being said, the vast majority of people have a conception of what that word means when said in that context.

Personally, I think many people (and I'm not referring to anyone in this thread, just to be clear) have a way too narrow definition of love. Most people think that there are only two kinds of love: familial and romantic. I personally believe that love is something that can exist between people (and animals, by the way) no matter what the dynamic of the relationship is. Love to me is simply an expression of closeness, a way to say that you feel completely connected to someone and that you have great adoration for them. That can be applied to a spouse or a friend or a pet. I love a lot of people, but the love I feel for my wife is completely different from the rest of them. And the love I feel for my wife is different than the love I feel for my son. And the love we have both shared with our mutual sexual partners in the past is completely real, but not the same love we feel for each other.

I don't think that you're thinking is out of line, but I do think that the majority of people would misconstrue your meaning in using the phrase, "I love you."

 

[fire_breeze]

I have no doubt that in a given moment, you really love the girl, especially if you pour your entire heart and soul into the person for thenight. However, remember that words are powerful, and for many, 'I love you' is one of the most potent phrase to say and to hear. It not only denotes a certain level of emotional intensity but also carries with it a certain level of expectations and reciprocity. It's an intense, often richly-laden phrase, which can mean different things to different people. If you say it, she may expect more. She may run out screaming. Or, she may say 'I love you too' and leave the next morning. It depends on who you are with and how you say it.

Keeping in mind the power of words, maybe you can, as M's Girl suggested (who, by the way, is filled with words of wisdom), find other phrases that for you means 'I love you', but can be interpreted as something else. It can be specific to the individual you're with or be distinctly yours.

Is it possible to love someone for one night? I don't know, only you can answer that. Are there multiple definitions for love? Yes. Would she get weirded out and/or expect more the next morning? Maybe. Is what you're describing unusual? Perhaps, but it's definitely not unheard of.

 

[emptynester]

But I think I would be able to really and truly love someone just for that one night. Y'know, kinda throw my entire being into the moment, dedicate myself entirely to it, but then resort to my normal feelings afterwards, be it love, like, indifference, whatever.

I think what you are really describing is being fully caught up in the moment. You are so into your feelings and emotions at that moment that nothing else matters. It is euphoria, but not necessarily love, IMO.

Basically, I'm wondering if it's unusual (or more importantly, would it be appreciated for what it is) if I poured my heart and soul into someone for one night, and woke up the next morning knowing what I said during the act doesn't necessarily apply afterward.

Unless you and/or your partner have communicated that you are only together for the sex and not looking for a relationship, to mess with someone's feelings/emotions like that is wrong, IMHO. To tell someone you love them "during the act," then wake up the next morning and "resort to your normal feelings be it love, like, indifference, whatever," would not be "appreciated for what it is". You might as well put your money on the nightstand and leave.

Try expressing "love" in terms of how something in particular makes you feel or "love" for what she is doing to or for you at the moment. Use the term to describe the feeling of euphoria or sexual gratification you are experiencing rather than directing it at the person.

Don't mess with someone's feelings and emotions like that. We wouldn't have such a need for therapy sessions and counselors today if people would just be honest and open with one another about their feelings. Everyone deserves respect and honesty in any relationship. Make sure you communicate the rules up front so no one gets hurt.

If your partner is OK with "anything goes during the moment" and "nothing said in the heat of passion can be held against me," then go for it!

Otherwise, I recommend duct tape. It can be purchased whether or not you are over 18 and one size fits all.

 

[emap]

Honestly, it would be best to not say I love you to the woman your having intimate relations with unless you payed her, both are drunk or she is your girlfriend.

Any other times, she will either stop being horny and toss you out/leave, or make you stop and yell at you for a while then toss you out/leave. We are not living in the sixties anymore, not that most people would want you to tell them you love them during sex when you just met them either. The few who did generally were on some good stuff.

If your talking about finding a one night stand at a bar or club, wear condoms, and don't tell her that unless the three good instances apply. A woman looking for a one night stand does not want to have baggage, if you say it she has baggage and she will not be happy.

 

[NippleMuncher]

Don't say it if you don't mean it.

 

[lushlucid]

There's nothing worse than having someone take back everything they say the next day.

I don't think you can love someone for just one night, you can love the moment but not the person, not just because you're sleeping with them.

 

[M's girl]

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[rosebud5446]

do some ecstacy. people never take people on x seriously though, so if you are into that kind of thing... j/k. DONT do it... it's not safe at all.

 

[Whisperly]

You strike me as being a magnificent lover, though I have to agree with lushlucid ~

There's nothing worse than having someone take back everything they say the next day.

I don't think you can love someone for just one night, you can love the moment but not the person, not just because you're sleeping with them.

How about not using the L word, but maybe describe to her how she makes you feel as you make love. I have to say - it was beautiful to read your descriptions of what you desire.

 

[Nicodemus79]

I personally think that people have WAY too narrow a definition of love, but I guess I'm in the minority. Ah well. That's nothing new for me.

 

[M's girl]

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[FurryFury]

I always assume that if someone says "I love you" during sex, it's just the sex talking and a kind of reflex unless there is a prior established relationship in which love has been spoken about and so on.

 

[Nicodemus79]

You could be right although I like definitions. The 'problem' of course is that the vast majority of people (women?) know the difference between (real) love and just a crush all too well. So 'you' will just have to deal with it. Like so many other words/things you may not like what it stands for or would like to give the meaning of the word some more 'room' so it fits what YOU would like it to be, but it does not work that way.

I don't look at it as what I would like it to be. Words have meaning by convention. Every word in the dictionary only has its definition because we, as a society, have agreed on that meaning. It is well within my right, however, to disagree with that meaning. It is perfectly within anyone's right to challenge the conventional definition of any word based on their feelings and experiences. Now, I'm not so obtuse as to think that anyone would understand said challenged definition or agree with it, but my point remains.

You create your own reality.

 

[M's girl]

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[lushlucid]

I don't look at it as what I would like it to be. Words have meaning by convention. Every word in the dictionary only has its definition because we, as a society, have agreed on that meaning. It is well within my right, however, to disagree with that meaning. It is perfectly within anyone's right to challenge the conventional definition of any word based on their feelings and experiences. Now, I'm not so obtuse as to think that anyone would understand said challenged definition or agree with it, but my point remains.

You create your own reality.

Seeying as you're throwing around the word definiton.
What is your own definition of "I love you"

 

[Nicodemus79]

The phrase "I love you" has a dynamic meaning that can change depending on the relationship of the people involved. Saying "I love you" is different when I say it to my wife, to my son, and to my parents. It's different when I say it to my friends. It totally depends on the situation.

And as for convention, everything that we know is based on convention. If enough people decide that a word means something other than it originally did, then its definition changes. Just look at just about any ethnically disparaging term. Almost none of them started out that way, but they have the meaning they do now because the vast majority of society decided they did. Every major change starts out small.

I realize that in the interest of practicality, it's best to not throw that word around. That's not what I'm saying. What I'm saying is that I believe it's more open to debate and discussion than most people would initially think. Maybe not the situation as described in the original post, but certainly in more general terms.

 

[M's girl]

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[Nicodemus79]

I'm not disagreeing with you on that point. What I'm trying to say is that the reason the phrase holds the significance it does is because we lend it that weight. If the general perception of the phrase changed, so would the reaction to it being used with someone outside of the monogamous relationship. If saying "I love you" to your sister or mother does not incite jealousy because the spouse or girlfriend knows that it's a different kind of love, then why is it impossible for the same to hold true for another woman that is not related to the man? Why can't there be a different kind of love for that? And for that matter, why are we ruling out friendship love when the phrase is used with someone of the opposite sex outside of a committed relationship?

I think there a an infinite number of ways to love someone. Love is an energy of appreciation, adoration, and closeness. The meaning it has is dynamic based on the relationship.

Put it this way, when my wife says to me, "You are the person with whom I want to share my life. You are the one I chose to be with above all others. You are the man that I choose to share my most intimate moments, secrets, and desires with. You are the man who I want to be the father of my children," it means a lot more than a simple "I love you," because it's specific to her relationship with me. Now, I am not saying that I don't want her to say, "I love you," or that I don't say it to her. All I'm saying is that there are more significant ways in which you can relate your feelings about someone.

 

[M's girl]

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[Nicodemus79]

I think you've completely misunderstood me. What I'm saying is that saying those specific words has more meaning than "I love you." I did not say that I NEED to hear all that all the time. I don't need things spelt out for me, nor do I need neon signs. When my wife tells me she loves me, I know she means all those things because (and this is key to my point) we have an established relationship and she has established that she feels all those things for me. I know what she means by "I love you" because we've built that up over time. I don't NEED to hear it, but it being all said like that hold more significance. When you've established the dynamic of the relationship, it is then that the phrase "I love you" takes on the meaning that is specific to that relationship, in this case a monogamous marriage.

If the dynamic of the relationship has not yet been established, then the phrase "I love you" is meaningless to me. They're just words.

 

[red_jane_doe]

OP, I completely undestand what you're saying. I have often craved a night of "just love me for tonight" with someone. I think that as long as you have that conversation beforehand, so the woman knows what to expect and can choose not to participate if it's too much for her, then it should all be good.

I am not in a serious relationship right now but I have a friend or two. I would definitely consider doing that with one of them. Just love me for tonight. Give me everything you have. Be as close to me as possible. Just love the moment and love being with me right then.

I think it can only work if it is clearly discussed before that happens, though.

 

[fire_breeze]

If the dynamic of the relationship has not yet been established, then the phrase "I love you" is meaningless to me. They're just words.

This is why the English language is so bloody limiting! The meaning of the words change whenever the dymanic of the relationship has changed. And if one person perceives the relationships in one way and the other another, then the words "I love you" means completely different for two people. And then the confusion starts, if it hasn't already! Maybe we should do as the Ancient Greeks, and have a separate word for every possible aspect/dynamic in a given relationship! It would certainly eliminate future bewilderments.
I still stand by my original position: words are powerful. Once said, they can never be taken back. They can change a person's life and impact an existing relatioship. Words can hurt, heal and arouse. Words then need to be chosen very carefully, to ensure that proper sentiment and emotion is fully and clearly conveyed. And on that note, maybe we should start inventing words and phrase to express what we 'truly' mean...
I love words and what it can do to me. But knowing the power of words, I also proceed with caution when using them.

 

[Lynnezertort]

You can't....unless the person you are with knows the score. You can if the person you are with doesn't know the score and you "think" those thoughts of intense love but don't express them out loud (defeats the purpose of the fantasy).

You may want what you want but it shouldn't be at the expense of another.