is this unusual? what should i do?

[sub4masterstoy]

okay... i am a 19 year old female, i am involved with my first Master, and yes, its a real-life situation. he is 38. he and i have played together a few times at night fetish scenes (together being hes played with me once, and he gave me to a trusted friend for my first time being flogged). so far our play consists of flogging. i have no problem with any of this. however, there exists no formal or even spoken contract between us... nothing binds me to him other than loyalty and my desire to be a good sub. nothing binds him to me, other than any feelings he may have for me. we've only kissed a few times, nothing really sexual has ever happened between us... he knows im not a virgin, so this isnt an issue. hes divorced, so obvously hes had sex before. after we play, im left turned on and desiring him badly. not only has there been nothing majorly sexual, and no offer towards sex or sexual activity, but he rarely calls me, and almost never emails me. i could make the first move and call him or email him, but i really dont think that, as the slave, i should be the one making the first moves... i would if so ordered, but he doesnt seem to notice anything out of the ordinary... i only hear from him within a few days of a scheduled party (these are once every two or three months), and only see him the night of the party... i know he isnt currently married, so thats not it... i should also point out there are no children from his marriage, and i have none either, and i should make it known that if he told me there would be no sex, id accept that, and serve him anyway.

my question is this. since he never contacts me, even after promising to call me, doesnt that make me an abandoned slave? a party is coming up in about two weeks, should i call him? should i wait for him to call me? if he does, should i go? is he somehow using me? what do i do? i really dont want to lose him as my Master, even if our level of involvement isnt near what i want...

 

[Shadowsdream]

okay... i am a 19 year old female, i am involved with my first Master, and yes, its a real-life situation. he is 38. he and i have played together a few times at night fetish scenes (together being hes played with me once, and he gave me to a trusted friend for my first time being flogged). so far our play consists of flogging. i have no problem with any of this. however, there exists no formal or even spoken contract between us... nothing binds me to him other than loyalty and my desire to be a good sub. nothing binds him to me, other than any feelings he may have for me. we've only kissed a few times, nothing really sexual has ever happened between us... he knows im not a virgin, so this isnt an issue. hes divorced, so obvously hes had sex before. after we play, im left turned on and desiring him badly. not only has there been nothing majorly sexual, and no offer towards sex or sexual activity, but he rarely calls me, and almost never emails me. i could make the first move and call him or email him, but i really dont think that, as the slave, i should be the one making the first moves... i would if so ordered, but he doesnt seem to notice anything out of the ordinary... i only hear from him within a few days of a scheduled party (these are once every two or three months), and only see him the night of the party... i know he isnt currently married, so thats not it... i should also point out there are no children from his marriage, and i have none either, and i should make it known that if he told me there would be no sex, id accept that, and serve him anyway.

my question is this. since he never contacts me, even after promising to call me, doesnt that make me an abandoned slave? a party is coming up in about two weeks, should i call him? should i wait for him to call me? if he does, should i go? is he somehow using me? what do i do? i really dont want to lose him as my Master, even if our level of involvement isnt near what i want...

you have no committment to each other...there can be no abandonment. Desire to be his slave does not change the fact that it appears the play is occassional without any deep committment.

 

[MissTaken]

Have you discussed this with him?

Hvae you and he had the opportunity to discuss yours and his expectations for the relationship? Communication is key, and you both should feel comfortable saying, "I need..." IF what you need and what he needs don't coincide, then perhaps he isn't the One for you.

You may want to call him and ask to meet with him, privately to talk.

As for not having intercourse, that can be a training issue. Some Dominants will not move into intercourse at the early stages of a relationship and some view intercourse, their manhood, as a gift, reserving it for later.

In any event, you, as a submissive, are equally as able to call a meeting, ask question and no, the relationship should not be entirely on his terms unless they are terms you have previously agreed to, clearly and concisely.

From what you are saying, it seems you are struggling with what is appropriate for a submissive to do, "call first" etc. You are a woman, first and certainly, if you have questions, should be albe to request a forum by which to ask those questions or express those concerns. You also have the ability to decide to stay with him or find someone who does want a relationship that compliments your needs.

Best wishes!

 

[sub4masterstoy]

thank you both for your opinions and help... its appreciated, believe me...
and no, we havent discussed it yet... im almost painfully shy... i still cant believe that i get up the courage to wear this mans cuffs and collar in public, let alone stand there, against chains or the cross, in my bra...

 

[Ms_Lilith]

Maybe it's just a semantic, but I noticed that in your post you said you wanted to be a good sub, and then later referred to yourself as slave.

There are different meanings to those words, and they imply different behaviour in some cases. Perhaps look at some of the threads here (one by Moondusksub is a good one, about being a slave), and just start learning. Maybe once you learn a little about the roles of each, you won't be so unsure about what steps to take?

And what MissT said: you are a woman, first and foremost. Never forsake your PERSON-ness when you have entered the lifestyle... it is all about respect, and you cannot respect someone who has no pride in their own being, no confidence in their own self.

 

[lark sparrow]

Have you talked with him about this?

If not, I would encourage you to start there. I think you would find there is really no right or wrong way to have a relationship, aside for the need for communication and the awareness of boundaries and expectations you wisely apply in having mutual needs and desires met.

From what you have said it sounds like he considers it a very causual but ongoing, D/s play relationship. What do you want? What are your requirements to be a content and healthy slave?

I wouldn't be comfortable with a Dominant who promised calling and never did, unless I too only wanted to meet up for play parties and had no interest in contact outside of that, but then I wouldn't consider myself his slave either. I would really recommend that you speak with him. You are not doing your Master any favors by hiding your feelings and allowing them to fester.

He may not want any more then this causual relationship as is, perhaps he is simply taking it slow, or he may be interested in a relationship of more depth once you have expressed this desire. You may never know until you are honest about your confusion and misgivings - consider talking to him, if it's too hard face to face, write an e-mail. You can approach it in small steps as well by seeing if he is open to spending more time together, or you can simply lay it all out on the table. I wouldn't get too caught up in what a slave would or would not do, because in the end you can truly only be yourself, slave or not, and if he is Dominant in the relationship, communication should not alter that.

 

[sub4masterstoy]

again, thank you both... and no, ive yet to discuss this with him, just trying to figure out the best course of action... i know i need to open up to him and discuss all of this with him, see where he stands, and see how his wants and mine fit together... i just didnt know if this was a common thing... i personally know a couple D/s couples who are closer than most bf/gf couples ive ever seen.... my guess being that theres so much more trust involved... but anyway, yeah, i know i have to talk to him about this... just trying to figure out if i need to do so before the party (assuming we are going together), or the night of.... i dont know... its all so mixed up and confusing...
vixenshe: it was merely a slip of tongue... i dont know which to consider myself... im not sure, at this point, that im either, as far as he is concerned...

 

[bunny bondage]

ok, i have nothing new to add, but i'm saying my piece anyway for emphasis. you must talk to him. i'd say now-ish is a good time.

 

[snoozebutton]

Saying something from the other side of the coin, I suggust you speak to him before the next get together. I am worried that he shared you before you had a true sense of what your place in the lifestyle was with him. I suggose that in the least you stick to one on one till you find that you both bond. I also suggust that you decide now what you want from him and tell him now. Because forming a true bond runs far deeper than you realize at first and it's scope may scare you later.

 

[lancemanyon]

okay... i am a 19 year old female, i am involved with my first Master, and yes, its a real-life situation. he is 38. .... nothing really sexual has ever happened between us... .... not only has there been nothing majorly sexual, and no offer towards sex or sexual activity, but he rarely calls me, and almost never emails me.....
my question is this. since he never contacts me, even after promising to call me, doesnt that make me an abandoned slave? a party is coming up in about two weeks, should i call him? should i wait for him to call me? if he does, should i go? is he somehow using me? what do i do? i really dont want to lose him as my Master, even if our level of involvement isnt near what i want...

My opinion is that this has the possibility to be a very destructive relationship. IMO he is using you with no intention of giving you what you want or need. Personally, I would advise you to bail on him and find someone that you can connect with.

Good luck,

 

[Ms_Lilith]

vixenshe: it was merely a slip of tongue... i dont know which to consider myself... im not sure, at this point, that im either, as far as he is concerned...

as far as he is concerned.

Maybe I'm offending a lot of Dom/mes by saying this, but... who CARES about what he's concerned here?

You must be you. And once you have determined what you are, then you can find those that fit into your lifestyle.

 

[Goddess Helena]

as far as he is concerned.

Maybe I'm offending a lot of Dom/mes by saying this, but... who CARES about what he's concerned here?

You must be you. And once you have determined what you are, then you can find those that fit into your lifestyle.

Not this Domme.

I expect a submissive to have an idea of what they need to be content in a D/s relationship. I also expect them to never give up their sense of self. Being proud of being My pet is fine, but he must always be the person he is. Even while he is serving Me.

For Me, a D/s relationship is an equal partnership. Not E/everyone sees it that way. However, that is My way.


Helena

 

[Goddess Helena]

First off...

Welcome to lit, sub4masterstoy!

I agree with the others who have posted here. You need to speak with this man and see how he views you and your relationship with him. He may view this as a casual play relationship. That is how it I see this.

I was a little concerned about how you wrote about him. He is single and has no children. While you may be just giving U/us background, I cannot help but wonder if you are hoping for much more from him. Please do not get your hopes up about this man. Talk to him and see what he thinks.
Also please look within and decide what you need. It's fine to not be totally sure. Just think on how you wish to be treated and what you would like from a Dom.


Helena

 

[Goddess Helena]

Saying something from the other side of the coin, I suggust you speak to him before the next get together. I am worried that he shared you before you had a true sense of what your place in the lifestyle was with him. I suggose that in the least you stick to one on one till you find that you both bond. I also suggust that you decide now what you want from him and tell him now. Because forming a true bond runs far deeper than you realize at first and it's scope may scare you later.

Very true and very wise, SnoozeButton.

A true bond takes time and is something to not take lightly.


Helena

 

[Pure]

Hi Sub4MT,

You said,


okay... i am a 19 year old female, i am involved with my first Master, and yes, its a real-life situation. he is 38. he and i have played together a few times at night fetish scenes (together being hes played with me once, and he gave me to a trusted friend for my first time being flogged). so far our play consists of flogging. i have no problem with any of this. however, there exists no formal or even spoken contract between us... nothing binds me to him other than loyalty and my desire to be a good sub. nothing binds him to me, other than any feelings he may have for me. we've only kissed a few times, nothing really sexual has ever happened between us... he knows im not a virgin, so this isnt an issue. hes divorced, so obvously hes had sex before. after we play, im left turned on and desiring him badly. not only has there been nothing majorly sexual, and no offer towards sex or sexual activity, but he rarely calls me, and almost never emails me. i could make the first move and call him or email him, but i really dont think that, as the slave, i should be the one making the first moves... i would if so ordered, but he doesnt seem to notice anything out of the ordinary... i only hear from him within a few days of a scheduled party (these are once every two or three months), and only see him the night of the party...

I agree with those who say the nature of the setup is not quite clear, at least for you. Speaking as a male, I remind you that 'we' don't always have 'progress' in intimacy in mind. An arrangement may serve a purpose, in this case, he has a hot party-sub who isn't around the rest of the time. One just doesn't know what if any change he might want.

What worries me a bit, is that you think of not doing certain things as possibly complying with his wishes, as if he were 'your' dom and you were 'his' sub. Yet that arrangement, as an overall thing does not exist... yet at least. Iow, it's possibly a mistake to think of earning 'merits' by not complaining, since he may not have more than partying in mind. He isn't necessarily saying "what a good sub--or potential one." or "she's passed a test." but only "it's convenient that she doesn't make demands in between parties."

I urge you, as others have, to talk, and do so as 'you'; you're not (yet) his anything except a co-bdsm-party-er. Make sure you're both on the same page of the same book, as it were.

Best of luck.
J.

 

[Richard49]

I agree with everything that everyone has posted including those posts that seem to contradict others

bb said nowish is a good time to talk to him...... like yesterday

You need to know who you are
or you will not make a good submissive to yourself or a Dom/me

BDSM is about concensual activites