Is this 'normal'?

[SlyKitten]

I know this isn't a sexual question, but I was so ashamed and surprised to think what I thought, I just had to seek opinions...

Someone close to me is about to die. I cried a lot this week (and I don't cry often) and feel very sad to lose that person. Then this morning, an odd and irrelevant question popped in my head, "I wonder what there will be for me in his will."

HIS WILL?!?!? Where did that come from? I am so not a materialistic person, where on earth did this come from? Am I 'evil' for thinking about a stupid will when a person I love is about to pass away?

 

[Guest]

Not so strange, I think those thoughts are a diversion from the pain.

 

[silverwhisper]

i think it's perfectly understandable. it's ignoble, sure, but then again, we all of us have less than sterling thoughts at times. don't beat yourself up about it, SK. :>

and my condolences in advance.

ed

 

[Ricwilly]

We can't be held responsilbe for what pops into our head, thank God, I think about some weird shit.
Now if ya start calling lawyers, well....... just tryin to lighten the mood .

 

[EJFan]

i agree with what SW and readyrnot said...

additionally, i think some of it has to do with the idea that being in his will illustrates what he thought of you and your relationship... sort of like a validation of whatever it was the two of you shared during your time together.

so i don't think it's a manifestation of materialism as much as it's a bit of curiosity of how he valued the relationship... at least in part.

 

[bholderman]

I know this isn't a sexual question, but I was so ashamed and surprised to think what I thought, I just had to seek opinions...

Someone close to me is about to die. I cried a lot this week (and I don't cry often) and feel very sad to lose that person. Then this morning, an odd and irrelevant question popped in my head, "I wonder what there will be for me in his will."

HIS WILL?!?!? Where did that come from? I am so not a materialistic person, where on earth did this come from? Am I 'evil' for thinking about a stupid will when a person I love is about to pass away?

Perhaps you simply want to know that your important enough to be left something. In addition, maybe you want something that was important enough to be considered in a will as a remembrance. Materialistic? No, attached. And after the passing the only thing outside of memories that maintains that attachment is a material item.

A personal example, I have a chair my grandfather had. There are pictures of me as a baby in it. Although it wasn't willed to me, it did get passed down to me. When I sit in that chair, I remember my grandfather, memorable events, who I am now and where I am going. I can't be any closer to the memory of my grandfather than when I am sitting in it.

Cheers,
Brad

 

[Exciteher]

I know this isn't a sexual question, but I was so ashamed and surprised to think what I thought, I just had to seek opinions...

Someone close to me is about to die. I cried a lot this week (and I don't cry often) and feel very sad to lose that person. Then this morning, an odd and irrelevant question popped in my head, "I wonder what there will be for me in his will."

HIS WILL?!?!? Where did that come from? I am so not a materialistic person, where on earth did this come from? Am I 'evil' for thinking about a stupid will when a person I love is about to pass away?

You have my empathy, it is so hard to lose someone close.

And you are not evil, something very similar happened to me, as I was going through losing the woman I had spent the last decade with, all sorts of these types of questions popping into my mind. One time out of they blue I thought, "Will I get her guitar?" ...remember thinking to myself how crass that thought felt, and how the thought took me off guard. Another wierd one was I got freaked when a wierd thought came up that her family might ask to get back the snaps of us they had given to us. Irrational!

My guess is maybe it is a way our mind prepairs us for what is coming... forcing us into these mundane and often odd thoughts. Does it divert us from the pain? Or is is it a part of letting go?

 

[Eilan]

I'm gonna chime in and agree with everyone else: You're not evil.

I know of people who started taking things out of their relative's house BEFORE she died. Now that's pretty shitty.

 

[ammre]

It's also logical. If we didn't reserve part of our brains for logis there would eb a bunch of dead bodies lying everywhere and no funeral arrangements ever made... it's almost helpful to become logical in a time of gerif. It helps you pull through it if you don't abandon the everyday things and the necissary functions. When my dad died one of my first questions to my mom was, "have funeral arrangements been made"

 

[SweetErika]

It's also logical. If we didn't reserve part of our brains for logis there would eb a bunch of dead bodies lying everywhere and no funeral arrangements ever made... it's almost helpful to become logical in a time of gerif. It helps you pull through it if you don't abandon the everyday things and the necissary functions. When my dad died one of my first questions to my mom was, "have funeral arrangements been made"

Sorry for your grief and loss, SK.

I agree it's normal and logic plays a big part for many. I'd never been through a planned death until last year, and I was surprised at the thoughts and actions of my husband's family. My mother-in-law made sure her father rewrote his will so her kids would get her half of his estate when he went. The entire family also talked about what should be kept in grandpa's house and who wanted what before the man was ill. My father-in-law started making arrangements and cleaning out the house months in advance of his wife's death (though this was without her knowledge). They all talked freely about who would get what jewelry and momentos beforehand. The day after she died, my father-in-law was up at 4 am cleaning out all of her things. Frankly, I can't imagine doing any of those things, but it seemed to help them.

People cope in different ways, and just about any thoughts and behaviors are perfectly fine. My husband's family found solace in the fact that they were physically prepared and everything was taken care of before and immediately after her death. Ultimately, I think all of this was a way to gain control over something when they couldn't control the situation or emotions.

 

[rcuhljr]

Absolutely nothing wrong, I really do think that we all have an id and super ego, nothing wrong with with the thought of his will surfacing, it's how you deal with it and think about that determines if something might be wrong.

 

[luv1]

The mind is like that. Don't feel guilty about it. The fact you did show your a careing person.

 

[Ezzy]

I know this isn't a sexual question, but I was so ashamed and surprised to think what I thought, I just had to seek opinions...

Someone close to me is about to die. I cried a lot this week (and I don't cry often) and feel very sad to lose that person. Then this morning, an odd and irrelevant question popped in my head, "I wonder what there will be for me in his will."

HIS WILL?!?!? Where did that come from? I am so not a materialistic person, where on earth did this come from? Am I 'evil' for thinking about a stupid will when a person I love is about to pass away?

Not evil, No.

 

[Private_Label]

I know this isn't a sexual question, but I was so ashamed and surprised to think what I thought, I just had to seek opinions...

Someone close to me is about to die. I cried a lot this week (and I don't cry often) and feel very sad to lose that person. Then this morning, an odd and irrelevant question popped in my head, "I wonder what there will be for me in his will."

HIS WILL?!?!? Where did that come from? I am so not a materialistic person, where on earth did this come from? Am I 'evil' for thinking about a stupid will when a person I love is about to pass away?

I think you are wondering if the person left you anything of sentimental value and not so much of material value.

Sometimes people do mention friends and those who have had special meaning in their lives without leaving material possesions for them. It might just be "and to Sly Kitten, my friend for many years, I leave my heartfelt respect and love."

That you rational mind beat yourself up over it does speak to the fact that you are not trying to gold dig.

((hugs)) Remember that your friend has left you many fond memories. If you feel up to it, it may help if you wrote them down and gave a copy to the person's family, that they will know how your friend has affected you in many positive ways.

 

[Gangrif]

I dont think its bad at all.
A good (very good!) friend of mine died a few years ago. I'd known him since grade-school, we were best friends, even went to college together, we shared quite a few common interests and hobbies....
When he was in the hospital, that same thought popped into my head. I cant explain why. Maybe it had something to do with wanting something of his to hold on to, to remember him by. Something that i could keep packed away, and someday when im cleaning the attic, stumble across and get reminded of all the good times.
I ended up not getting anything (in fact, none of his friends did). And it didnt bother me. I figured that he'd been sort of blindsided. No one expects to die at 24. I;m sure he hadnt written up a will.

Aww dammit, now you got me thinking about him.



Sigh...

 

[Eilan]

They all talked freely about who would get what jewelry and momentos beforehand.

People cope in different ways, and just about any thoughts and behaviors are perfectly fine. My husband's family found solace in the fact that they were physically prepared and everything was taken care of before and immediately after her death. Ultimately, I think all of this was a way to gain control over something when they couldn't control the situation or emotions.

My (maternal) grandfather died somewhat suddenly almost eight years ago, and my grandmother threw herself into making the funeral arrangements and taking care of legal issues, and about two weeks after the funeral, things caught up with her. While she had cried in the days after his death, she had also busied herself with other things. Finally, she broke down and did all the crying that she hadn't had the chance to do.

My grandmother is now 83, and she had a potentially serious/fatal health issue last year. Though she recovered, it definitely made all of us that much more aware of the fact that she's not gonna live forever.

She's talked for years about who will get her things when she dies, and I know that I'm going to end up with some very nice china and silverware (among other things) someday. However, I know that when those things become mine, it'll be because my grandma's no longer around to have them, and the thought of that makes me sad.