Is this complete crap?

[starrkers]

I haven't attempted poetry for many years. No doubt I shouldn't
But I wrote this after reading the "August 6th" thread.

Doomed Youth

 

[WhiteWave48]

Poignant

*****

 

[FifthFlower]

The meter is perfect and the lines are clear. The end-stopping completely replaces the need for rhyme to hear where the line actually ends.

I like the "lesson lost lest" combination of words--alliteration rather than rhyme. The technique is nicely done. I envy the 8-4-4-6 stanzas.

You passed my technical test, for what it's worth. The question then is did you succeed in saying something that you wanted to say.

I had to read the "August 6" thread to understand that there was an exchange about whether one should remember or not past events. It seems that you are siding with remembering over forgetting. Personally, I like to remember these things, but realize that what we remember is usually what our governments succeed, through patriotic repetition, in getting us to remember. One of the four US soldiers, who raped a 14-year-old Iraqi girl and then killed her parents, younger sister and her as well, was recently sentenced. For me, that event overshadows 9/11, however, I am sure it is not one that I will be encouraged to remember.

So, did the communication succeed? Why are the youth "doomed"? What was the "warning"? Is 9/11 or that 14-year-old most on your mind?

 

[starrkers]

Thanks for the comments.

WhiteWave: The ? - I dunno. I just felt I wanted to emphasis the question, because I feel we've already forgotten too much.

FifthFlower: I guess I failed, if I have to explain Youth is doomed to repeat past mistakes of history because we're not using our designated memorial days to effect.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

I haven't attempted poetry for many years. No doubt I shouldn't
But I wrote this after reading the "August 6th" thread.

Doomed youth

A poppy or a paper crane
A pretty thing
A pleasant sight
To hide the bitter past

No trench line nor atomic bomb
No sombre truth
No ugly shame
Upon remembrance hour

A picnic and a holiday
A lesson lost
Lest we forget?
The warning goes unheard

I like it. It sort of reminds me of In Flanders Fields in a way.

 

[bluerains]

pap4crane clue me

 

[WhiteWave48]

The message

*****

 

[WhiteWave48]

Different viewpoint

*****

 

[starrkers]

Yeah, I hadn't really thought too hard about that aspect either - the symbols are obvious to me.

 

[unpredictablebijou]

Yeah, I hadn't really thought too hard about that aspect either - the symbols are obvious to me.

I've never thought obscurity was necessarily a sin in poetry. However, one can always choose to footnote things. If Eliot did it, it must be at least vaguely okay.

I've resisted the temptation to do just that a few times. One could always try to put more explanation into the text itself too, but sometimes that doesn't work.

I didn't find it obscure, myself, but it's true that not everyone would be familiar with that ceremony.

hm. things to consider.

bijou

 

[Angeline]

This poem appeals to me a great deal. It's expressed simply in images that may be familiar but are in no way trite in the context of this poem; they make your message clear in a poignant, visual manner. Each stanza is beautifully structured with a steady rhythm that seems to increase the pace for the reader and therefore the intensity of the message.

I particularly like the way you used sound in each stanza to reflect the change of subject there, for example, the light 'p' sounds represented the poppies and the paper planes, and then you moved on to the heavier, liquid sounds of the assonance in 'bomb' and 'sombre'.

Your decision to avoid punctuation and rhyme was an advantage in this poem, as you placed your design features within the pattern of syllables and line lengths, and also in the other poetic devices used within each stanza. One thing I did consider twice was the question mark. I'm still not sure why you used it even though I know you are questioning at this point.

Your message about a memorial's meaning being lost amid the picnics and celebration comes across clearly. I wouldn't have known about the origami cranes symbolizing those lost in Japan if I hadn't read kaishaku's thread, but I don't really need to know that to get your point. It's a lovely, bittersweet image but not essential to understanding, so I don't think you "failed" at all.

I like your poem. The simple understated approach works really well. It gives the subject the dignity it deserves.

 

[starrkers]

Thanks all. You've given me enough confidence in this little offering to submit it for publication here.
If accepted it will be the only poem I've ever penned to see more than a few eyes.

 

[WickedEve]

Just wanted to add one more "I like it" to the mix. I read it when you first posted. I didn't comment at the time, because I couldn't think of any good constructive criticism.

 

[Rumpleteazer]

good job

hey i liked it

 

[starrkers]

It's up already!

 

[starrkers]

Thanks for the kind words everyone.

My humble little poem has amassed 10 votes, which I understand is quite a feat around these parts.