Is This Any Good?

[SexyChele]

Hello all. This is my first time posting here, and I apologize for wanting feedback without having ever contributed before. Fact is, while I like poetry, I never considered myself any good at writing it or knowing if what I wrote was worth it. I've read a couple of threads here, and it seems y'all have a great way of communicating how some one can improve. I would like to write more poetry, but I'd like to feel more confidence in this area.

So, with that, I'd like to ask those of you who may feel inclined to read the following and give me any feedback you can. I'm a pretty tough person, and take the bad with the good - usually with a generous spirit!

Thank you, in advance. I appreciate your feedback!


Three Little Words

Three little words.
Very simple, really.
Not truly special of themselves,
Nothing to single them out.
Three little words.

Three little words.
How fast my heart beats,
As I hear him say them.
My stomach a knot of nerves,
As his voice resonates within my head.
Three little words.

Three little words.
How quickly they elicit
Fear and anxiety.
Yet, within the soul
Such happiness knows no bounds.
Three little words.

Three little words.
All may end tomorrow.
All may end today.
But now joy is overwhelming.
A body quivering with excitement.
Three little words.

Three little words.
“I love you”
He said.
And suddenly, unexpectedly
I am complete.
Three little words.

 

[HomerPindar]

Hello all. This is my first time posting here, and I apologize for wanting feedback without having ever contributed before. Fact is, while I like poetry, I never considered myself any good at writing it or knowing if what I wrote was worth it. I've read a couple of threads here, and it seems y'all have a great way of communicating how some one can improve. I would like to write more poetry, but I'd like to feel more confidence in this area.

Hi Chele! Welcome, hang out, no presure. With that in mind, here's a quick suggestion on getting comfortable writing, poetry or otherwise:

Write, write, write, write, write, Write, write, write, write, write, Write, write, write, write, write, Write, write, write, write, write, Write, write, write, write, write, Write, write, write, write, Sleep, write, write, write, write, write, Write, write, write, write, write, Write, write, write, write, write, Write, write, write,
Write, write, write, write, write, Write, write, write, write, write, Write, write,

So, with that, I'd like to ask those of you who may feel inclined to read the following and give me any feedback you can. I'm a pretty tough person, and take the bad with the good - usually with a generous spirit!

Thank you, in advance. I appreciate your feedback!

Bwhahahahahahaha (gets out pitchfork, sets horns in place, cackling with glee as pulls items of torture from closet)

Three Little Words

Three little words.
Very simple, really.
Not truly special of themselves,
Nothing to single them out.
Three little words.

While JUDO is the queen of meter, one simple rule stands out (I paraphrase her here), keep lines equal length and number. With that in mind, the first stanza is a line shorter than the others. If there's a reason for this, I don't see it. Also not sure about the sentiment on lines 3 & 4, as Love can be argueably special and worth singling out. But then, I've been accused of being a closet romantic, so maybe it's just me.

Three little words.
How fast my heart beats,
As I hear him say them.
My stomach a knot of nerves,
As his voice resonates within my head.
Three little words.

Three little words.
How quickly they elicit
Fear and anxiety.
Yet, within the soul
Such happiness knows no bounds.
Three little words.

Three little words.
All may end tomorrow.
All may end today.
But now joy is overwhelming.
A body quivering with excitement.
Three little words.

The simplicity, for me, works. I also like the subject being the moments before the words rather than the response or trying to describe "love". But, simplicity could use depth. one of the challenges I've enjoyed the most here has been describing something without using certain words. For example, can you describe anxiety without using the word anxiety? While keeping it simple...? I think that will help bring a depth to the poem, make it stand out even more.

Three little words.
“I love you”
He said.
And suddenly, unexpectedly
I am complete.
Three little words.

By the end, not sure if you really need to say what the words are... but again, can you deliver the message without them?

HomerPindar

 

[OT]

Instead of asking if it is any good, 'tis better to ask how to make it better.

It's a bit wordy for such a "plain" message.

Consider this extreme edit which captures most of the points you were making:

three little words
plain by themselves
when spoken by him
turn my insides
to knots of nerves
yet
complete me

 

[Angeline]

What they said....

I like your sentiment chele. The poem has a whimsical feel that is very sweet. I do agree with Homer and OT about cutting the poem back, at the very least, to balance it. I tried changing it a bit tp even it out and came up with this:

Three Little Words

Three little words.
Very simple, really.
Nothing truly special
Nothing singled out.
Three little words.

Three little words.
Heart beats faster
When he says them
Stomach in knots,
voice in my head
Three little words.

Three little words.
That elicit fear
That elicit worry
Yet, within the soul
Such complete joy.
Three little words.

Three little words.
Could end tomorrow.
Might end today.
But now I’m happy
Filled with excitement.
Three little words.

Three little words.
He said to me.
“I love you”
Unexpectedly
I am complete.
Three little words.

 

[MyOpinion]

removed

 

[OT]

Re: Re: What they said....

I find OT's analysis of the basics of the poem accurate, yet (sorry OT) taking away the anticipation of wondering how you feel and will finally react to those three little words.

I wasn't necessarily suggesting my very short version as a replacement, but is a very useful exercise to distill your message down to its essence. From there, either you have a short poem or haiku perhaps, or the focus point from which to build a good poem into the form of your choosing.

To the essence, only add words on purpose. It sometimes helps to iterate through this process. For example the three middle lines of the first stanza, boils down to "they are plain by themselves". It may be ok to state the principle three different ways to get some subtle effect you are going for, but in terms of pure communication, they are redundant.

 

[SexyChele]

First, I have to thank everyone for being willing to take a look at what I wrote give me such great feedback! I can see I still have quite a bit to learn as far as poetry is concerned - a good thing.

This poem was written in the heat of emotion, so that is what lends it the tone I'm finding everyone sees. I really hadn't thought to truly get to the bare essence of what I was trying to say and build from there. Never thought of it, but can see how that works.

Been writing stories for a while, and feel comfortable with that. But poetry is a whole other type of writing! Looks like I'll need to start practicing to make perfect.

Again, than you to everyone who responded. Your comments were appreciated!

 

[HomerPindar]

Thanks for posting Chele, and please, come back with some editing, or something new, and we tear it ap...um...take a look at it

HomerPindar

 

[SexyChele]

Thanks for posting Chele, and please, come back with some editing, or something new, and we tear it ap...um...take a look at it

HomerPindar

~laughing~ I'll do the best I can to keep y'all happy! Hopefully, my next project will need less "tearing up"!

Again, thanks to everyone!

 

[Angeline]

Chele said:

~laughing~ I'll do the best I can to keep y'all happy! Hopefully, my next project will need less "tearing up"!


We tear up everyone's work, including our own . Somewhere in between all that adding, deleting, and rearranging, we write better poems.

Come back anytime and read, post, complain, dream, whatever. I really liked what you wrote.

Ange

 

[OT]

Come back anytime and read, post, complain, dream, whatever.

I sorta knew "whatever" was allowed, this being a sex site and all, but no one ever told me it was OK to complain!

I learn somthing new from these threads every darn day.

And Chele, now that you are an experienced poet, feel free to jump in anywhere and do your share of share'n and tare'n. Fresh insight is always welcome.

 

[Sex & Diamonds]

Chele,


I have no advice to give. I was just going to tell ya that I liked it. No tearing up, no words of wisdom, just my own opinion.

 

[Angeline]

Complaining

OT, I don't see how you could have read as many of my posts as you have and thought we were not allowed to complain




p.s. is this guy one of your relatives?

 

[OT]

Re: Complaining

OT, I don't see how you could have read as many of my posts as you have and thought we were not allowed to complain
p.s. is this guy one of your relatives?

Yikes, me thinks it is E.T. (Evil Twin of O.T.)

 

[Angeline]

OT said:

Yikes, me thinks it is E.T. (Evil Twin of O.T.)

You have no idea how hard I am laughing here.