Is there not a place for all the mismatched marriages?

[LookN2Talk]

I run across so many people posting about mismatched marriages. Is there not a place for all the mismatched marriages? Like in college football, a portal where you can find the right fit/team for you? Or in the pros where they trade players, I'll give you seven husbands for one wife, that should help the imbalance of wife to husbands in sexless marriages.

 

[lifeis2short2b]

There is a place. It's called Divorce court.
If your that unhappy I based this on your previous threads. I suggest you spend some time alone and weigh the pros and cons and decide how you want to spend the rest of your life.

 

[Bigboobbabe]

I love the idea. I tried to suggest it when my ex decided being a man didn't fit any more.
Dumped the T and started Estrogen.
Then Progesterone, and a T blocker.
The little guy almost shrunk to oblivion.

I suggested we open our marriage. I wasn't ready to give up vaginal penetration.

 

[LookN2Talk]

There is a place. It's called Divorce court.
If your that unhappy I based this on your previous threads. I suggest you spend some time alone and weigh the pros and cons and decide how you want to spend the rest of your life.

Who are you directing this too? I do not see a post prior to yours that is unhappy?

I love the idea. I tried to suggest it when my ex decided being a man didn't fit any more.
Dumped the T and started Estrogen.
Then Progesterone, and a T blocker.
The little guy almost shrunk to oblivion.

I suggested we open our marriage. I wasn't ready to give up vaginal penetration.

I agree with that! and WOW!

 

[lifeis2short2b]

Im talking to you lookn2talk .Your talking about trading your wife, finding a portal to find the right fit. And your sexless marriage comment and thread.
That doesn't sound like your "happy"

 

[drobert44]

I love the idea. I tried to suggest it when my ex decided being a man didn't fit any more.
Dumped the T and started Estrogen.
Then Progesterone, and a T blocker.
The little guy almost shrunk to oblivion.

I suggested we open our marriage. I wasn't ready to give up vaginal penetration.

If I were to marry, it would have to be an open one.

 

[LookN2Talk]

Im talking to you lookn2talk .Your talking about trading your wife, finding a portal to find the right fit. And your sexless marriage comment and thread.
That doesn't sound like your "happy"

Nope not me. Not trading wife. NEVER EVER EVER. I am not in a sexless marriage. I am in an awesome marriage. As for find a portal - lol. I was asking about all the people on lit with imbalance relationships. Read through, you will see hundreds of them if not thousands. With that many people, with that many problems, certainly someone, somewhere has found a better solution than divorce and unhappy marriages/relationships.

 

[LMWM321]

One question that never gets asked in these "my wife doesn't want sex anymore" threads is "Was the husband the reason for her loss of interest? Was he a kind, considerate, supportive husband and lover, or was he an asshole?" And I'm posing this as question for men b/c it's far more often men who are complaining about sexless relationships.

If my own parents marriage, which was sexless after 20yrs, was regarded at a distance, it would look like my Mom just unilaterally and cruelly decided "that's it, I'm done - no more sex." And it's true, my Mom did go cold on my Dad - she told me when she was in her late 40's that she and my father no longer have sex. But what people wouldn't see unless they lived with us is that my dad was a domineering asshole who made my mom feel small, unworthy, and undesirable. He never hit her but he belittled her endlessly. And it's a fair bet that he was NOT terribly concerned about her pleasure when it came to sex. So, yeah, after about 20 years of life with him, her interest in sex pretty much dried up - and it was his fault that it did, not hers. So, why didn't she leave him? Well, with no college degree, no work experience, and no self-esteem, she was a financial captive in a terrible marriage.

My point? At least some of the men here on Lit complaining about their wife's loss of libido may have themselves to blame. And if they DO leave their current wife, they'll probably cause a similar problem in their new relationship. So, for them at least, a re-think on how they treat women may be in order.

 

[lifeis2short2b]

One question that never gets asked in these "my wife doesn't want sex anymore" threads is "Was the husband the reason for her loss of interest? Was he a kind, considerate, supportive husband and lover, or was he an asshole?" And I'm posing this as question for men b/c it's far more often the man who's complaining.

If my own parents marriage was regarded at a distance, it would look like one of these marriages where the wife just unilaterally and cruelly decided "that's it, I'm done - no more sex." And it's true, my Mom did go cold on my Dad - she told me when she was in her late 40's that she and my father no longer have sex. But what people wouldn't see unless they lived with them is that my dad was a domineering asshole who made my mom feel small, unworthy, and undesirable. He never beat her but he belittled her endlessly. And it's a fair bet that he was NOT terribly concerned about her pleasure when it came to sex. So, yeah, after about 20 years of life with him, her interest in sex pretty much dried up - and it was his fault. So, why didn't she leave him? Well, with no college degree, no work experience, and no self-esteem, she was a financial captive in a terrible marriage.

My point? At least some of the men here on Lit complaining about their wife's loss of libido may have themselves to blame. And if they DO leave their current wife, they'll probably cause a similar problem in their new relationship. So, for them at least, a re-think on how they treat women may be in order.

Lol It's too easy to look in the mirror and face truths. It's much easier to commiserate with others with no mirrors in the house. I knew a guy who said. " All my neighbors are assholes" No mirror in his house.
There is a difference between making love and having sex. Can I say I'm in a sexless marriage because I want a whole production while my wife just wants sex or vice versa ?
Unless it's a medical condition (I see a hell of a lot of viagra commercials) or perhaps she is going through menopause I would say being an asshole is the top culprit.
Partners straying and divorce is a whole different thread.

 

[LMWM321]

Unless it's a medical condition (I see a hell of a lot of viagra commercials) or perhaps she is going through menopause I would say being an asshole is the top culprit

But even menopause, I think, is too often blamed as the sole reason for a marriage becoming sexless, when it's still as much about the husband.

If a woman is married to a man who's unwilling to approach sex after menopause with considerably more patience and be willing to forgo penetration at times, which can become painful for a woman, then yes, menopause can become the breaking point for some. But then it isn't the menopause that's the primary cause - it's the husbands unwillingness to change his approach and expectations of sex.

 

[StrongMaster7]

I've written about "libido mismatch" before.

After decades of marriage, I can speak about my situation with authority. I have a very high sex drive. I need to come at least once almost every day. My wife has a much lower sex drive. Once a week is all she wants/needs. I do not think she masturbates at all. I masturbate almost every day.

I love my wife and she loves me. Almost every aspect of our lives together is wonderful. We've raised a family and been very happy almost all of the time. We support each other through the good times and bad. We have a great marriage.

The "sex drive mismatch" used to bother me a lot. I tried to "figure out the solution" to it. But there is none. A friend who is a doctor of psychology told me how important sex is to a marriage and that I should try to talk to my wife about it. If she cared she would give me more of what I need. That did not work. My wife has tried to give me more sex, but the sex is only good when she wants it. Once a week, for a half-hour, she is horny, amazing, and super into our sex. In the last few years it has gotten even better. But not more frequent. When she "does it for me" at times when she doesn't really want or need it, I can tell. And it's her passion that excites me. She only gets passionate once a week.

So, that's just how it is. As for "open marriages" I cannot speak with authority. It seems to me that an "open marriage" that lasts is a rare thing. YEs, there are some men who can live with their wife fucking other men, but I think they are the exception, rather than the rule. In my opinion, in most cases, "open marriages" end in divorce. But I don't have data to back my opinion.

I know there are hormones or other drugs that may increase the female libido, but my wife does not think she has a problem and so would never consider this. And I don't think she "has a problem". We have this mismatch, but we live with it as we live with other aspects of life that may not be exactly as we would wish.

 

[screwher]

My wife and I are mismatched in the way I simply cannot be another person. After years of marriage, we’re still crazy for each other and we have a great sex life. But Mrs. Screwher has a desire for other men too. Fortunately I developed the desire for her to have sex with other men. So as a couple we decided to enter into a hotwife relationship.

 

[Dearelliot]

What matches well today doesn't always match 10 yrs down the road. But by then the partner die is cast, kids, bills, plans, love, respect, So much more to a relationship.

 

[LMWM321]

I love my wife and she loves me. Almost every aspect of our lives together is wonderful. We've raised a family and been very happy almost all of the time. We support each other through the good times and bad. We have a great marriage.

With all that being true, it's hard to see how your libido mismatch is too much of a problem.

Besides, does anyone know any couple where each is getting exactly the amount of sex they desire? I don't. In the real world, libido mismatches are the rule, not the exception. And as @Dearelliot pointed out, mismatches can wax and wane with time.

Like you, I could have sex everyday. In fact, I'd love to start AND end each day with sex, with some of those times being just a "quickie". But I DON'T want sex to ever feel like a chore for my wife, so I don't ask for more than the 2-3/ wk we do it now - usually initiated by her. Which sounds like a lot, but is still just a fraction of how much I want.

 

[LMWM321]

Thinking on this a little..

I don't think a desire discrepancy can be called a libido mismatch until it becomes an untenable problem for the relationship.

Nearly ALL relationships have a desire discrepancy - ie., one partner desiring sex more often than the other. But it doesn't ALWAYS rise to the level of a true Libido Mismatch. Wanting sex 1/wk vs/ 5 times/wk means people are in the same ballpark and should not be the cause of too much disharmony. But wanting sex 4x/ week and being married to someone who thinks it's only for birthdays and anniversaries - well, that's a true libido mismatch and is untenable.

 

[Travler99921]

This has been a number of years ago. My wife and I joined a group named HUGS. It was for couples in mixed orientation marriages where one was straight and the other bi. Usually the guy was bi but not always. We learned a lot about how couples deal with this situation. We also found a path forward in our relationship. There is no doubt our marriage strengthen and our marital sex improved.

 

[LMWM321]

We learned a lot about how couples deal with this situation.

Well, don't keep us hangin' Traveler. How do you deal with it? I'm sure it's not an easy answer, nor a one-size-fits-all answer.

And I've often wondered about couples in your situation - One partner is Straight, the other is Bi. Ie., Is there an omni-present concern of the Bi partner cheating by pursuing same-gender intimacy.

 

[Travler99921]

Well, don't keep us hangin' Traveler. How do you deal with it? I'm sure it's not an easy answer, nor a one-size-fits-all answer.

And I've often wondered about couples in your situation - One partner is Straight, the other is Bi. Ie., Is there an omni-present concern of the Bi partner cheating by pursuing same-gender intimacy.

It is more complex than this brief answer, but my wife said it was OK for me to have gay sex as long as I did not not neglect her sexual needs. She wanted more cunnilingus since she orgasmed more frequently that way. I was happy to oblige. We started having more marital sex. It evolved to the point where our normal sex was foreplay, cunnilingus, and her helping me masturbate. It worked well for us.

 

[Wonderer67]

My ex wife and I talked about staying married but living in separate homes. She was having an affair.

I was not ready for that type of relationship at the time. Sometimes I wonder how that would’ve worked out.

We ended up divorcing. ( I am happily married now.)