Is sub life right for me? What do I need to know?

[diamondroad27]

I've been chatting both online and on the phone with a Dom the last few days. I've never chatted with someone like him because so many "Doms" profess to be true Doms and really aren't. I have never so much as dabbled in this lifestyle and have been trying to ask questions.

What I would like to know from you all is:

1. What do I need to know about this lifestyle that I prb haven't thought to ask about?
2. What important questions should I ask him before this goes any further?

Please feel free to share anything else that may help me as I explore this world.

 

[CutieMouse]

How am I supposed to know what questions you probably haven't thought to ask, when I don't know what questions you've already asked, or what subjects you've discussed? For all I know your conversations have revolved around sex & 50 Shades.

Online or off? And what makes this guy a "true Dom" (whatever that is), compared to all the "fakes" you've come across? Also... What's the big rush? You've "known" the guy online/by phone for a few DAYS. Do you have anything else in common? Similar definitions of dominance & submission (or topping & bottoming)? Are you looking for a fling, fun cyber, or a long term relationship?

 

[eastern sun]

Most people who are engaged in online and/or long-distance D/s relationships are doing it that way for a reason. Find out why. (and don't forget to ask yourself the same question)

 

[JennyNo1]

There's a "BDSM Library" sticky thread (look at the the top of the list of threads) in this forum. There is also a thread for just about any subject you could come up with. You might find some ideas there to think about, without getting snide comments from the "experts" who post here. The point about why he is online is also a good one to think about. Some considerations would be the same as those when starting any vanilla relationship.

 

[SweetApple8]

The questions were reasonable ones

How am I supposed to know what questions you probably haven't thought to ask, when I don't know what questions you've already asked, or what subjects you've discussed? For all I know your conversations have revolved around sex & 50 Shades.

Online or off? And what makes this guy a "true Dom" (whatever that is), compared to all the "fakes" you've come across? Also... What's the big rush? You've "known" the guy online/by phone for a few DAYS. Do you have anything else in common? Similar definitions of dominance & submission (or topping & bottoming)? Are you looking for a fling, fun cyber, or a long term relationship?

Had the initial post covered the answers to all of your questions, there would be no opportunity to receive responses in the foreseeable future.

 

[Stella_Omega]

The most important thing you need to know is; why are you interested in BDSM? Which of the many many activities yank your crank, which ones leave you cold, which ones can you not live without?

BDSM is a little bit more complicated than vanilla humping, and D/s relationships are more fraught than vanilla ones. My advice is-- date. Play. You probably wouldn't marry someone you talked to over the phone, without some face time first. Offering your power up is a wee bit like marriage.

 

[thelovingsadist]

Offering your power up is a wee bit like marriage.

I used to offer up a similar analogy, where I compared general submission/bottoming to dating, on-going D/s to engagement and 24/7 Master/slave relationships to marriage--comparing the depth of commitment between vanilla and BDSM relationships, and the progression of the two from casual to extremely serious things.

But I like your analogy, too. Though, people have been known to get married without dating or being engaged for very long as well. And then they wonder why it didn't last...

 

[scarlettmoon]

I agree with SweetApple8

Had the initial post covered the answers to all of your questions, there would be no opportunity to receive responses in the foreseeable future.

Like she said, she's new to this so give her a break yeah? She's trying to work out what the next move is for her by reading suggestions in the hope that they will ignite her imagination to what she may not have considered. That's like having a go at a new learner driver for not knowing all of the parts of the car and how to drive it.

To the OP:
It's totally up to you what the boundaries are, but half of the fun is tailoring your own bdsm lifestyle by experiencing things. Make sure you trust your Dom, and make sure you establish a safe word just in case, and just have fun on the journey!

 

[Sir_Winston54]

.... without getting snide comments from the "experts" who post here....

Jenny, of your last 100 posts, exactly one (*this* one) was in the BDSM fora. The remainder were almost exclusively in The Playground. What could possibly influence you to believe that you had any special knowledge or standing that you could snidely deride the posters here as "experts" when you have no visible presence here and have not, at least in recent times (nor ever, to my recollection, which admittedly may be faulty), contributed *any*thing to these fora?

 

[CutieMouse]

Oh for the love of Pete... I am direct. I am often blunt to the point of snarky. However, My questions were valid... and designed to hopefully make the OP take a second to THINK.One of the reasons I am so [insert complaint here], ise because I wish to all that is holy that someone had been that blunt with me when I was trying to figure this crap out [years ago]. It would have removed the rose colored glasses, and possibly saved a hell of a lot of confusion and heartbreak.

Had the initial post covered the answers to all of your questions, there would be no opportunity to receive responses in the foreseeable future.

Yeah... I have to disagree.

How am I supposed to know what questions you probably haven't thought to ask, when I don't know what questions you've already asked, or what subjects you've discussed?

My point still stands - total strangers cannot possibly offer thoughtful advice, when they have no information re: what has already been discussed.

For all I know your conversations have revolved around sex & 50 Shades.

That, was snarky. I suck; you're pretty. Forgive me?

Online or off?

Valid question, as they each may require different responses.

And what makes this guy a "true Dom" (whatever that is), compared to all the "fakes" you've come across?

Again - valid question intended to help the OP identify what a "true dom" looks like *to her*.

Example: A lover once asked a "real dom" to join us in the bedroom. No pressure; I didn't have to do anything I wasn't comfortable with, but he would at least watch [us be intimate]. *In my opinion*, the man was a buffoon. he brought an entire suitcase of sex toys with him, and insisted that true submissives love being "tortured" with a Hitachi wand.

*yawn*

I dislike vibrators (even the Hitachi), as they tickle too much [for me]. Also, I'm the odd one who prefers [painful] vaginal orgasms to clitoral stimulation. he left that afternoon proclaiming me a "fake sub" because I wasn't bi, declined the offer to suck his dick, and didn't enjoy bondage.

I left wondering WTH qualified him as "dominant", when he was so heavily dependent on his toy bag, and never even asked me if I knew how to make a proper cup of coffee or organize a closet.

I'm not a fake submissive; he wasn't a fake dominant. We just had different ideas of what defines D/s.

Also... What's the big rush? You've "known" the guy online/by phone for a few DAYS.

Again, IMO... valid question. I have seen so many submissives (often women, but not always) get into this whole online exploration/newly discovered BDSM thing, only to dedicate/pledge themselves to the first commanding sounding guy who comes along, when they really haven't the first clue what they're getting into. It isn't a contest to see who goes from curious to collared the quickest.

Date, explore, bottom, ask questions, treat a potential partner like a normal human being. Move at your own.damn.pace. Any "dominant" who can't work with that? Might raise an eyebrow or two (for immaturity, if nothing else.)

Do you have anything else in common?

How is this not good advice? The OP only said something vague about talking for a few days... again, did they discuss life? Or just sex/BDSM? Even 24/7 D/s couples do stuff outside of Beeee Deeee Eeeeessss Emmmmmmmm. Me? Could NOT open myself to brutal, un-lubed, pinned down and deliciously beaten ass rape by a guy who didn't have the same taste in books as myself, or used text shortcuts (UR HOT!).

But I'm special that way.

Similar definitions of dominance & submission (or topping & bottoming)?

And see, I'm thinking this was actually one of the most important questions. It's a question everyone should ask themselves before diving into a new relationship, IMO. Because if you aren't on the same page re: definitions, you aren't going to be on the same page.

Are you looking for a fling, fun cyber, or a long term relationship?

Three categories of relationships, often receiving three different styles of responses.

Like she said, she's new to this so give her a break yeah? She's trying to work out what the next move is for her by reading suggestions in the hope that they will ignite her imagination to what she may not have considered. That's like having a go at a new learner driver for not knowing all of the parts of the car and how to drive it.

I did give her a break. It's called tough love.

BTW, I'm currently teaching my two teenagers to drive, and I'm the same way with them.

ZOMG I have no idea what I'm doing! I'm going to KILL SOMEONE.

Dude. Suck up and focus. Before you turn the key in the ignition, figure out what you need to do. What are the risks? What's your goal?

Same thing here... what are the risks? What's the goal?

To the OP:
It's totally up to you what the boundaries are, but half of the fun is tailoring your own bdsm lifestyle by experiencing things. Make sure you trust your Dom, and make sure you establish a safe word just in case, and just have fun on the journey!

"Trust your Dom!"

So sorry, but how does one know a guy is a trustworthy dominant, after a few days of conversation? How does one develop trust [especially with a dominant they've just recently met]? How does one vet a guy who claims to be dominant? Oh, that's right... by doing a lot of things like working through the list of questions I initially wrote up.

(Snark again. So sorry.)

On safe words - very common advice. Help me understand exactly how a safe word protects someone from a guy (or girl) who decides to ignore it? Does a safe word kick someone out of your apartment, or prevent rape? Does it protect a submissive (male or female) from the "you told me to stop, now I'm going to stalk you!" type of dominant?

No? Didn't think so.

 

[SweetApple8]

See....

you're pretty. Forgive me?

...much nicer. Good job.

 

[marieR19]

Have I mentioned lately how awesome you are, CutieMouse? That post ROCKS.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Have I mentioned lately how awesome you are, CutieMouse? That post ROCKS.

it really does.

 

[rosco rathbone]

I've been chatting both online and on the phone with a Dom the last few days. I've never chatted with someone like him because so many "Doms" profess to be true Doms and really aren't. I have never so much as dabbled in this lifestyle and have been trying to ask questions.

What I would like to know from you all is:

1. What do I need to know about this lifestyle that I prb haven't thought to ask about?
2. What important questions should I ask him before this goes any further?

Please feel free to share anything else that may help me as I explore this world.

You've never so much as dabbled, and yet you have the audacity to claim that doms are fakers.

There's no such thing as a "true dom".

There are guys who get their rock off being in charge. Some of them have social skills, some don't. Some have experience with torture tools and silly knots. Some don't. Some pay a lot of attention to BDSM culture and some don't. Some will click with you and "do it for you" and some won't.

That's it.

 

[JennyNo1]

I obviously owe an apology here, for implying that the folks who post here are not experts. My point was actually that a word or two can change a statement or question from probing and thought provoking to condescending and embarrassing to the one asking the question. Personally, I'd be afraid to ask a question here, just as on the GB. Well, not afraid, but I'd definitely want to toughen up my skin before doing so.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

I obviously owe an apology here, for implying that the folks who post here are not experts. My point was actually that a word or two can change a statement or question from probing and thought provoking to condescending and embarrassing to the one asking the question. Personally, I'd be afraid to ask a question here, just as on the GB. Well, not afraid, but I'd definitely want to toughen up my skin before doing so.

I wouldn't say you owe much of an apology, Jenny, but perhaps more exposure to what happens here, and maybe a realization that after three or five or eight or more years on this forum, even the most helpful and informative of the responders here can sometimes get tired of, and impatient at, people asking questions that are embarrassingly (to them, in the long run) incomplete or content-less questions that *have* no answers, or often, even offer little or no information that would allow those responders to ask questions that would probe or provoke thoughtfulness in the original posters' minds. (I might refer you to the almost-200 threads begun by one Beck31, who has in his short time on Lit, asked a plethora of questions that are unanswerable by anyone not privy to the inmost workings of his mind... and that would be none of us!)

TBH, I don't think you should have any concern about asking a question here, or anywhere, because you have already demonstrated that you have the ability to write coherent sentences and express yourself understandably. If you had a question to pose to the folks here, I have little doubt that it would include enough information to allow us to easily either offer answers or ask questions that might point you in a direction that would permit you to find the appropriate answers within yourself, your needs and your desires.

 

[CutieMouse]

Rudeness alert-

My first response in this thread, was made on the fly either during a 30 minute lunch break [iPhone post] or on the way out the door (to work, errands, life, etc).

My efforts to offer assistance and give the OP something to chew on, have been met (by some) with criticism for being too [fill in the blank complaint here].

My second response to the thread took a few days to even find time to post, and about 30 minutes to write.

I would dearly and genuinely appreciate it if someone would help me understand why I should be expected to donate X amount of my time, wisdom, experience, etc to offer gentle, PC responses to a question, when the OP wasn't willing to put forth any more effort than it took to write a few generic questions?

Because the "ZOMG I'm afraid to even post here!!!" BS can work both ways, you know...

/rudeness alert

 

[marieR19]

I find I have the same reaction to all those "please post tasks for my sub to do" threads. Such a vague, generic post can't *possibly* be answered in any real way, without getting more information first. What types of tasks does the sub already do? Are we talking domestic tasks like taking out the trash, physical sexual tasks, or what? Have you talked with your sub about what kind of tasks they might be interested in?

These generic, vague posts are all too common, and we as a community really can't be faulted for getting a little annoyed with them after dealing with them for so long. As CutieMouse said, if the OP can't be assed to explain in detail what they actually want out of this thread, why should we spend 20 minutes trying to decipher what they might mean?

 

[Stella_Omega]

I obviously owe an apology here, for implying that the folks who post here are not experts. My point was actually that a word or two can change a statement or question from probing and thought provoking to condescending and embarrassing to the one asking the question. Personally, I'd be afraid to ask a question here, just as on the GB. Well, not afraid, but I'd definitely want to toughen up my skin before doing so.

That's why you post under a pseudonym.

 

[game_master24]

Have I mentioned lately how awesome you are, CutieMouse? That post ROCKS.

No kidding CutieMouse said everything I was about to say.

 

[IrisAlthea]

Rudeness alert-

My first response in this thread, was made on the fly either during a 30 minute lunch break [iPhone post] or on the way out the door (to work, errands, life, etc).

My efforts to offer assistance and give the OP something to chew on, have been met (by some) with criticism for being too [fill in the blank complaint here].

My second response to the thread took a few days to even find time to post, and about 30 minutes to write.

I would dearly and genuinely appreciate it if someone would help me understand why I should be expected to donate X amount of my time, wisdom, experience, etc to offer gentle, PC responses to a question, when the OP wasn't willing to put forth any more effort than it took to write a few generic questions?

Because the "ZOMG I'm afraid to even post here!!!" BS can work both ways, you know...

/rudeness alert

I think that was very non-rude actually.

 

[DaDom]

You are what your choices are.

The answers to your questions should come from you in the first place. You should know who you are better than anyone.

 

[Stella_Omega]

You are what your choices are.

The answers to your questions should come from you in the first place. You should know who you are better than anyone.

Fortune cookie answer is no answer at all.

Next.

 

[DaDom]

Fortune cookie answer is no answer at all.

Next.

You are not the owner of the questions. Are you?

 

[howbo]

I've been chatting both online and on the phone with a Dom the last few days. I've never chatted with someone like him because so many "Doms" profess to be true Doms and really aren't. I have never so much as dabbled in this lifestyle and have been trying to ask questions.

What I would like to know from you all is:

1. What do I need to know about this lifestyle that I prb haven't thought to ask about?
2. What important questions should I ask him before this goes any further?

Please feel free to share anything else that may help me as I explore this world.

I'm not sure I have an answer, rather more of a queston. What cums to my mind about bottoming is the importance of being cleaned out if it is anal, and how best to do that and know it is.