Is it wrong?

[apemermoud]

It is wrong for me to have a need to be "raped".... I ever since my Step-father molested me and raped me for 1 1/2 yrs I have craved it at least once a month and Sometimes I feel horribly guilty about it but still get on here and read stories and masturbate until I cum at least 3 times and sometimes even that isn't enough!! I want someone to treat me like a whore and I actually walk around late at night with just a sport bra and pants on hoping someone will drag me into a alley and just fuck my brains out until I can't walk anymore and my throat is sore from his cock and screaming.... It is wrong for me to want this and to actively walk around "asking" for it??

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

What bothers me about this is not your perfectly natural attempts to own and deal with the shittiness your stepfather dealt you. (I am sorry about that, by the way.) What disturbs me is that you're putting yourself in dangerous situations. Leaving aside the question of whether someone's dress can justify his or her abuse (it can't), haunting isolated, sketchy areas by yourself could get you killed. That is overrated as a catharsis.

I would advise you to talk to a counselor about the feelings you are having.

If you won't do that, masturbate more and wander around in dark alleys less.

 

[BrightlyGo]

i understand your 'need,' and, no, there's nothing wrong with it - rape fantasy is downright common.

However, you should be able to get a sympathetic partner to help you with it - or recruit more-than-willing guys for /consensual/ rape-fantasy play if you're not in a relationship with someone able to give you what you need. It won't be easy on a relationship, and it won't be exactly safe to seek it out among strangers, even on the proviso you're looking for consensual fantasy-fulfillment.

And, DGE is right, don't sacrifice your safety or your life to these feelings. Find a safe/consensual outlet and/or seek help.

 

[Ruby_Atom]

My husband was sexually abused as a child and teenager repeatedly. Only now, many years later, he is actually healing from it. Sexual abuse re-calibrates your libido, and could very well drive you into dangerous situations. My advice for you and your long term happiness: get help. See a counsellor, or better yet, a psychologist.

Acting out your fantasies consensually might seem like a good idea at the time, but it's not the answer in the long term. DeepGreenEyes, masturbating more is also not the answer. I'm not saying not to do it, only that it can spiral out of control and be highly addictive. It is an outlet so powerful that it can prevent you from going about your daily life, and ultimately will lower your quality of life if you can't control it. I've seen it happen.

apemermoud, what you are feeling is completely normal for victims of sexual abuse. Please, get help. I want to emphasize also that it's totally OK to have whatever fantasies you want. The key is to be able to enjoy them in a way that is not harmful to you, both physically and psychologically.

As an aside, rape fantasies have their place, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with them. In this case, though, it's destructive. My husband asked me to act them out on him, but I refused, precisely because of the reason why he wanted it. At the time, it just didn't feel right to me because it felt like it would be destructive rather than some fun roleplay. Sex is no replacement for dealing with your problems.

 

[laurasunshinegal]

thank you for your honest original post, and thank you to the subsequent posters for so many thoughtful and caring messages!

i just wanted to add my voice of support (in addition to the PM i just sent you). it is great that you are reaching out--keeping things like this bottled up can do no good. fantasies can be fun, even if in real life they would be wrong... but if the aftereffects are causing a problem in real life, then all the more reason to talk to someone.

take care, sweetie!

 

[JustADom]

Well this is quite a sensitive topic... probably much more than you or me would realize. I will try to be as sensitive as possible and I'm sorry in advance if I offend or cause you discomfort as that would not be my intention. I'm sorry that you've experienced terrible and potentially traumatizing abuse from your step-father for such a long time in your younger years and I would offer you my deepest sympathies.

So, I'll start...

Since you were raped and molested before you were ready to have sex (presumably), it sounds like you've associated sex with rape and violation, and rape and violation with sex. So it keeps reinforcing this pattern. You now think that sexual pleasure has to do with being raped and violated.

You "crave" it because it's as if someone offered you a drug when you were young, and now you're hooked, and you crave the drug. Your step-father has done the same thing, except that it was the (unwanted) sexual pleasure that he offered. Obviously if you're hooked on drugs, then you wouldn't want to take any more of it, no matter how much you craved it.

What you may need to do is to "rewire" and "unlearn" the pattern that you now associate sex with rape and violation. Genuine sex is not so much about rape and violation... but it can be about tenderness, love, trust, vulnerability, beauty and giving mutual pleasure to each other, and not about taking those very things away from the other person. What your step-father has done is he took all those beautiful things away from you. It was clearly not your fault that he has done this to you, it was his problem to begin with.

I would say the same of what some others are saying. I would think that seeing a therapist or something like that would be the best idea. This whole BDSM thing is BS... it's unhealthy. *I* need to get away from all this... Good luck to you, stay safe and I will hope you the best and I hope that you may heal from your past abuse and trauma that you may have experienced.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

I practiced psychotherapy for many years (I'm retired), and joined my first group back in 1967. I have masters degrees in psychology and rehab.

Most of the therapists and counselors I know of are inept and inexperienced and young. At best therapists are hookers who cut you off when your money is gone. A good friend with some real life experiences, including failures and struggles, is the way to go. I say this because all of us already know we should eat right, exercise, be in bed by 9, and avoid fast girls. And we do none of it.

So if youre gonna play with the lions and tigers and bears know how to handle them.

Clyde Beatty was a friend of mine when I was a kid. He was a famous lion-tiger trainer. He didn't play with big cats cuz he was crazy, he played with them cuz he knew how to do it and make lotsa money.

 

[SkAoUt]

You know what bothers me about this. And I'm going to be blunt. Is that this poster has few enough posts under their belt that its difficult to get a read on them. Are they whom they say they are? Or are we providing their character with more credentials to prop up their somewhat shaky status? Who can tell!?! And that is what is frustrating about discussing real life sexual assault online. On the one hand my heart goes out to people that've been the recipients of unwanted sexual activity and on the other I get jacked up thinking about numpties creating characters in the vein of sexual assault victims so they can get their rock off.

My only advice to the op is to seek counselling and avoid extreme risky behaviour.

 

[laurasunshinegal]

You know what bothers me about this. And I'm going to be blunt. Is that this poster has few enough posts under their belt that its difficult to get a read on them. Are they whom they say they are?

you know what? that thought crossed my mind... but i think everyone (yourself included) who has responded to this post has done so in a caring and responsible way. if the original poster was looking for "hey baby, tell me more" then they are mistaken.

on the flip side, if she was genuinely looking for help, then hopefully she's gotten some good, small advice!

 

[echoplex]

It is wrong for me to have a need to be "raped".... I ever since my Step-father molested me and raped me for 1 1/2 yrs I have craved it at least once a month and Sometimes I feel horribly guilty about it but still get on here and read stories and masturbate until I cum at least 3 times and sometimes even that isn't enough!! I want someone to treat me like a whore and I actually walk around late at night with just a sport bra and pants on hoping someone will drag me into a alley and just fuck my brains out until I can't walk anymore and my throat is sore from his cock and screaming.... It is wrong for me to want this and to actively walk around "asking" for it??

I don't get it. You do know there are plenty of guys out there who could give you pretty much exactly what you want in a controlled environment?

If you wanna take risks with random strangers, that's what Craigslist is for. Less likely to die that way.

 

[subwannabe]

The OP needs a shrink.

 

[Oubliette123]

I think your priority is to separate the fantasy from the reality. Our minds have a wonderful way of dealing with hurt-whether its grief, physical or mental abuse etc by sugar coating the memories.

As other posters have pointed out, sex will not make the abuse any easier to deal with, if anything it will skew the memories and have you connecting the two-resulting in dangerous situations as you are doing now.

Rape fantasies are common, but they are always consensual, even if they have been pre planned or a suprise, the 'attacker' will always know its what the 'victim' wants.