Is it true?

[Apollonia_K]

Isn't that all about feeling the fear, and doing it anyway? I know it's the title of a book, but rings true for me

True. There's nothing to fear but fear itself. Everyone has heard that, but it is so so true.

 

[Emes]

my ex used to abuse me....not physically (though it did come close a couple of times) but emotionally. Getting him to leave was the hardest thing i have EVER had to do, but i did it....and now have a wonderful Master, and am so much happier.

You do need to have a plan....change locks, leave belongings out, all the things that have already been suggested....and stick to it. There is no point in getting out of the relationship if in a couple of months time he is going to weedle his way back into your life.

Good luck hun.....getting rid of him will be the best thing you have ever done....i know, i have been there! The light at the end of the tunnel might not been seen at the mo but it is there i promise

xx

 

[KravMaga]

As a guy I have never been in pain due to an erection.
I have done/ said anything to make my wife give it up on occasions, she is well aware that I would lie to get a bit, (& sometimes it becomes a game & part of fourplay) in the end she says yes or no.
Over the years I have found the best way into her knickers is via the brain, it's no good being an arsehole all day then expecting some that night. If you want sex that night start the seduction in the morning.
The more relaxed I am about sex the more she gives out when I'm desperate she knows.The most important thing is not to be manipulated and most men will if given the chance.

Here here!

 

[Aaron Kyle]

Both men and women feel some physical discomfort if they're aroused for a long time with no release. That's because blood pumps into the area and it all swells up. Like the old joke goes, why did the Irishman never get laid? He always waited for the swelling to go down.

But that's "discomfort", not "pain." Like the difference between trying to go to sleep without a pillow, and dropping into bed onto a brick.

But a grown man should be able to take some discomfort from time to time. Unless he's a big fucking crybaby.

But i feel so bad after wards and will always end up doing it for him.

Wow, how romantic, how sexy! Make your girlfriend feel miserable and guilty, that gets her going! I gotta wonder how this guy talks to his mates about you.

"So, I took her out to dinner, complimented her all night, we talked really nicely, had a lot of laughs... but she wasn't interested. Then I called her a selfish cow, and that made her really hot! Then I told her that her belly was sticking out a bit, and she came in her pants! After we had sex, I held her head under the covers and did a big fart on her, and she had a multiple orgasm, it was awesome! Fuck I am such a smooth bastard..."

I don't know about this talk of his being abusive. But he is neither romantic nor sexy, and that's enough. Ideally you should have both romance and hot sex, but if you're happy with just one of those, good for you. But in this case you have neither.

He doesn't have to be bad to you for you to leave him, he just has to be not good to you. You don't have to wait until he smacks you one in the jaw or something stupid like that. Like old Ricki Lake used to say, "kick him to the curb, girlfriend!"

 

[Bandit58]

But i feel so bad after wards and will always end up doing it for him.

Been there, done that That's why my ex husband is my ex, but it took me a long time to say enough is enough. Over 20 years to be exact.

Guilt sex is no fun. For me it made me feel like I was being raped. I ended up switching off my sexual feelings. What brought things to a head was him complaining he hadn't had any for 3 weeks. I was staying up late and going to bed when he was asleep, and sleeping in 1/3 of the bed so I didn't touch him. My skin would crawl when he touched me, because I knew that it would lead to sex that I didn't want.

My self esteem was way low. But I knew I had to get out for both my physical and mental health - the abuse (not physical) had already given me a stomach ulcer and I was suffering from depression.

Don't leave it as long as I did. Get him out now

 

[sba]

Most of you will probably think i am scared shit of him,but far from it,he has a way to make me come around,i only hate him for it after wards, when he is not around and when i have time to think.
In the past two days no matter how i hated him and even wanted to call the police on him by manufacturing a crises etc.... guess what? from my last post which was god knows when two days ago? he has made me given him two blow jobs without using force!
How can i get rid of him? when he is around no matter what i want to do to him,like shoot him or some thing,he gets me round as if he has druged me into doing it.
It has gone past a little problem now,i seriously need help from you guys and girls.
Don't get me wrong! the sex act i do for him is not a problem when i want to or need to and what better than when i love a guy to do it to,infact i have done this for longer than normal sex......But for him? no! and i don't seem to have it in me to end it!
Everything about him discusts me now even when he cums,it makes me feel one minute after the end, as if,"i was his whore".

When i was younger i saw an oldie film called "the blues brothers"...yes i am like the woman who wanted "jake" killed! no efforts spared! but a look into his eyes..............BASTARD!

 

[Exciteher]

....when he is around no matter what i want...he gets me round as if he has druged me into doing it. ....

sba, lets sort this out a little bit.

When he is around... what do you want?

When he "gets you round as if he drugged you into doing it":
1) What are you saying to yourself in your own mind when he does that?
2) What happens to you, is it a feeling from within your body that overwhealms you and that "gets you round"

In other words, can you describe what in in your mind, and how your body feels when you give in to him?

 

[sba]

I feel like nothing! i just go along as if i want to or am here to please him and am affraid if i don't, then he would go all quiet and abuse me mentaly more,infact you could say i buy his friendship which after,i know i do not need!
But when he is around it seems like i am on auto pilot! I don't know! but what i know for certain is that i am too weak to confront him.

 

[christian1971]

You need to be strong and not allow him to win, he is winning when you think those bad things of yourself. Because when you think of those things it weakens you, and that allows him to over power you and to control you. First don't do anything that you will regret even tho he mite deserve it, that will not fix anything that will only cause things to be worse for yourself.
You need to really get strong, you need to keep him away from you at all cost. Inside your a strong woman a woman that knows that what he is doing is wrong and that no one should be treat like he treats you!
You need to get an order of protection, you need to file charges, you need to start getting proof of his violance towards you. Like if he hits you or bruses you TAKE PICTURES call the police so there is a log. This will only help you in the long run if he tries and lies saying hes done no wrong.
It bothers me to hear that a man is abusing a woman any woman. My sister was taken by an EX beaten and had a gun shoved in her face then luckily dumped in a parking lot of a car wash. I say lucky because she is still alive but this man could of killed. This happened 10 years ago but still is fresh in all our minds. My Ex G/F was raped at a party and got pregnant from that rape. She kept the baby and is reminded everyday of that rape when she looks into her sons eyes. She LOVES her son very much and wouldn't trade anything for him. I dated her for 3 1/2 years when her son was only 3 and she told me about it. I loved her and her son very much and still have very strong feeling for her. But being that she was raped and abused caused problems in our relationship. She never trusted me 100% even tho I never gave her a reason too not trust me and I never held it against her. Which wouldnt of been right. We broke up because of the long distance and health issues in her family that she needed to take care of.
I know I went a little off the subject but just wanted you to know that there are people in here and out there in the world that will and can help you. You don't have to allow yourself to be treaded how he treats you. Deep down inside you know you need to get ride of this man out of your life before the problem get to be to large. Please listen and call the police and get a good strong lawyer that will help you and do things for you.

 

[Exciteher]

I feel like nothing! ... am affraid .... but what i know for certain is that i am too weak to confront him.

sba, thanks for your answers.
From what you just said, can you see that you in fact do NOT feel like nothing...you seem to feel afraid?

When you are afraid, what part of your body do you feel that in? Your stomach? Your throat? Where?

I still want to know:

1) When he is around... what do you want? (you did not answer this! But it is very important.

2) What are you saying to yourself in your own mind when he does that? Is it true your mind goes blank when he is around? Or are you thnking to yourself "I'll give him what he wants and he will go away."..or somethng like that?

What is going on in your mind..what are you saying to yourself when he is around?

 

[Exciteher]

.... i am too weak to confront him.

How do you KNOW that? What evidence for that do you have?

 

[m.j.h]

I have been thinking of selling my house and in the hunt for the next house,make sure he is not around so if i play my cards right i could simply vanish!

Bingo.
There is your out right there.
Even if it means moving to a rental for a short while that is the best way to go for you if you don't think you have the strenght to kick him out.


it might not be easy and you may need to leave a lot behind like clothes etc but hey take a big step and get him out or get yourself out.

Hell even if you move out then sell the house later if need be.

 

[Cathleen]

How do you KNOW that? What evidence for that do you have?

Such an excellent question Exciteher. We don't truly know what we're capable of until we try. Quite often we surprise ourselves. If, after giving something an honest chance -- real honest, no trying to fake it -- only then can we know what can be done. My experience has shown me I can do damn near anything. Keep trying new behaviors until they become more comfortable sba. We are all worth a few trys at least.

sba, keep working at this, there has been a lot of sound and healthy advice given. Don't let go of it.

 

[sba]

I think something is up! he has been a bit secretive in the past two days,answering his mobile while moving to another room,infact i hope for the worst!
Every single advice given here is sound,but it has one shortfall..."ME" i can not follow them up!
So thats why i hope for the worst!

 

[lotsoflove]

Just say "Not in the mood"

Thanks guys and gals! I am still trying to find a way to get him to go away,what i mean is for him to end the relationship by finding another girl,since i can not take this constant services for him any more.
One guy hit the nail bang on the head, where he said"he is an arse hole".
I can not end this relationship on my own,since he is too clever and will bring me around and still get a blow job after wards.
I hate myself for not being able to take charge.
When he is away for long periods,i find the house(my own house) a pleasure to live in,but since last week where he came back,it feels like a prison.
How will they give a girl up? what if i bite it? or use my nail on it to hurt?

If he can talk you into anything, you have to avoid the situations where he gets to talk to you. Go to friends, get friends to call you on the cell phone, anything to interrupt those times where you may be alone with him. He is not going to go away unless you cut him off completely. Just use the old headache excuse or, better, tell him you have a mouth sore, or an infected tooth... gross him out. Do not hurt him... that might turn him on even more. Just be patient and stick to your guns... NO MORE SEX FOR HIM.
Good luck!

 

[Cathleen]

I think something is up! he has been a bit secretive in the past two days,answering his mobile while moving to another room,infact i hope for the worst!
Every single advice given here is sound,but it has one shortfall..."ME" i can not follow them up!
So thats why i hope for the worst!

sba, while I understand how you hope for the worst, you will still have to deal with this issue for yourself, for your own personal growth and comfort with sexual issues. It just doesn't go away because he does, most likely you'll find yourself facing it again in the future.

YOU are NOT a shortfall! You are a living breathing person that has fears, doubts and insecurities -- welcome to being human. No one said it'd be easy that's for sure. We tend to repeat mistakes until we see the lesson and repeat them again until we learn the lesson. Learning it isn't always the last step either, bringing the lesson inside, accomodating into our psyche and our behaviors is the beginning of the last step.

 

[Exciteher]

...Every single advice given here is sound,but it has one shortfall..."ME" i can not follow them up!...

sba,
Do you realize that there is a part of you that can follow them up?

Do you realize if that were not the case, you would not have been open to listening to any advise in the first place?

Yes I hear you, and I hear you keep telling yourself that YOU are the shortfall.

Who taught you that? Where did you learn that?

Have you ever tried telling yourself that you-know-you-CAN follow up sound advise?

 

[Exciteher]

sba, .....you will still have to deal with this issue for yourself, for your own personal growth and comfort with sexual issues. It just doesn't go away because he does, most likely you'll find yourself facing it again in the future...

We tend to repeat mistakes until we see the lesson and repeat them again until we learn the lesson. Learning it isn't always the last step either, bringing the lesson inside, accomodating into our psyche and our behaviors is the beginning of the last step.

Cathleen, you have elegantly explained all about life in just two sentences.

 

[BreeCarter]

When ever i am not in a mood for sex and say no to repeated requests by my boyfriend to either have sex or give him an oral ,he always cries that he is having pains from down there due to my ignorance!
Is this true? Or is it just another way of getting women to feel sorry into giving a half hour blow job?

a lot of guys will lie and say it's true, but it's complete bullshit. it's because they're horny, and just wanna fuck. and if it "hurts" so damn bad, throw him a bottle of lube, and let him meet his hand. he sounds like an asshole. i'd tell him to go to hell, and that if he tries to pull that shit, he'll lose all chances of getting any. if he wants lovin, he needs to learn to respect you first. fuck him.

 

[sba]

In the past two nights,i have been sleeping on another bed and last night he came in wanting to talk to me.
He was so nice to me,but i knew what he wanted so i kept looking away while talking to him.
He gave up after 40 minutes and this morning he left with a small bag.
Most of his stuff are here but i think he is trying to give me space to think or even has another woman on the side! i don't know.
Is this a good time to change locks? i mean leaving without saying a word!
I could say"i thought you ended it and thats it now" could i not?

 

[Exciteher]

In the past two nights,i have been sleeping on another bed and last night he came in wanting to talk to me.

WOW sba! Sounds to me like two nights ago you began to take your power back.

He was so nice to me,but i knew what he wanted .....

sba, remember when you wrote:

.....But when he is around it seems like i am on auto pilot! ...

WELL! Sounds to me like you are not on auto pilot anymore! Bravo for creating a strategy (not looking at him) that allows you to break the spell he seems to put you in. Brave! Bravo! Bravo!

He gave up after 40 minutes and this morning he left with a small bag.

Checkmate! Your power overcame his power over you. You won that round. Bravo!

Most of his stuff are here but i think he is trying to give me space to think or even has another woman on the side! i don't know.

Maybe both. You would not let him manipulate you this time...and that is what matters. Maybe his game is he is trying to "made you think", but I can tell you are wise to him now.

Is this a good time to change locks? i mean leaving without saying a word!

You owe him no words, so now is as good a time as any to change the locks. WOW. You are taking more and more of your power back!

I could say"i thought you ended it and thats it now" could i not?

Yes you could! You are taking even more power back!

Another thing you could say is: " I am glad you realized this has to end and that you have to leave."

sba, does it seem to you that might that be a little bit more powerful way to say it? Could you say it that way? I think you could! You have already taken bigger steps than this... I really hope you can see that.

Just a thought, what matters is that now that you are going to say it if you have to, just say it anyway you can.

Wow, sba, looks to me like you have figured out how to break his spell, it looks like you can do A LOT! Bravo!

 

[sba]

I have asked my next door neighbour to switch rear and front door locks for me!
I saw him do it and it was very easy job. He dose not have the rear door key,and that door can be locked by another lock from inside for extra security.
I have also talked to my friend to go and stay with her for a few days on monday!
I hope this works,i know i have not done anything apart from sleeping on another bed but it seems even a small thing like that gave him a hint of the end.
God i hope so......
I never wanted a relationship to end so much,i know you are trying to make me feel strong and thanks for that,but i still feel small till i get away from here for a few days.

Thanks everyone.

 

[FluteMaster]

Congratulations

Hey sba - way to go.

I've been away a couple of days, but I was still thinking about you and yr situation.

Something I meant to say was that our own body language and responses can be powerful communication tools. Until now it sounds like your partner has only seen compliance. Now he has seen something else, and that is maybe all it takes - a change, a message that says "your are no longer acceptable buster". He will have is own internal scripts, and maybe he didn't need to hear your words to recognise something was up. (lol - though, sleeping in a different bed and not looking at him seem pretty strong signals to me).

But also well done on going with the change and taking charge of the locks etc - though a time away with a friend would also been wise.

What a change, though, and I know we are all with you.

 

[sba]

I switched the mobile off and have not answered any calls from my fixed line,but i think his number is on display there but think it is from before since the time settings on my phone is always wrong due to low battery.
I doubt if he calls on any recognized number or would with hold his number.
So any calls till monday would not be answered and he has no clue of my email add.
I just dread his return till tommorow!I have a plan for tonight and that is to keep all the lights off and go through the night with lights off!
I can keep the screen of my note book on very low light and just keep lurking.
My car is in the garage and it's door is locked.
Cat has her own flap.
I have enough food to stick it till monday.
I can shower in the dark.
i will get up early in the morning to escape.

I think it will work! thanks every one and if i didn't write tonight,i will in a few days time.
bye
love.

 

[christian1971]

I switched the mobile off and have not answered any calls from my fixed line,but i think his number is on display there but think it is from before since the time settings on my phone is always wrong due to low battery.
I doubt if he calls on any recognized number or would with hold his number.
So any calls till monday would not be answered and he has no clue of my email add.
I just dread his return till tommorow!I have a plan for tonight and that is to keep all the lights off and go through the night with lights off!
I can keep the screen of my note book on very low light and just keep lurking.
My car is in the garage and it's door is locked.
Cat has her own flap.
I have enough food to stick it till monday.
I can shower in the dark.
i will get up early in the morning to escape.

I think it will work! thanks every one and if i didn't write tonight,i will in a few days time.
bye
love.

All this make me worried that your that afraid of him or that you think you should be this careful about him.

I just want to wish you luck and hope that we hear from you. Just know that there are nice men out and friends. Becareful and good luck.