Is it true?

[VelvetDarkness]

If you go away you'll come back to a wrecked house? This is not a nice guy. I am also very sorry that you don't have people who will help you and not expect things back.

Each plan of action suggested to you, you have found a reason why you can't do it. There are lots of reasons why getting this man out of your life will be difficult and possibly dangerous. That's not the point. You have already acknowledged what he's like. Do you really want to be in a relationship like this simply because you lack the courage to leave?

Don't let the feelings you still have for this guy cloud your judgement. What you feel for him is not important here, it's how he feels about you, how he treats you with such disrespect that you feel a prisoner in your home. Everybody is capable of being nice and loving on occasion, especially if it's just enough effort to get them what they want.

Make the decision. Do what you need to do. Get him out. Live your life.

If you ask the right agencies loudly enough, you WILL get the help and support you need

 

[sba]

Sorry! over here we call police as feds! well some do anyway! It could be from american f.b.i or just fed ups
I see what you mean! if he shows agression then that is a good cause to call 999!

 

[Flyin_Free]

Sorry! over here we call police as feds! well some do anyway! It could be from american f.b.i or just fed ups
I see what you mean! if he shows agression then that is a good cause to call 999!

Also, if you have a local women's shelter there, or even a counsellor who's trained in dealing with abusive situations, you should consider going and talking to them. I know how emotional leaving somebody who's abusive can be and a good counsellor can really help you work out your feelings.

It's really easy for somebody on the outside to look at the black and white of it all and say "just leave" (which I think you should btw) but it's not always so easy to do when you're in the middle of the situation and aren't thinking clearly.

 

[silverwhisper]

no man should make you move house, sba--unless he's involved in organized crime, in which case moving to another nation might not bad a bad idea.

but otherwise? make him move, i say. why in the hell should you have to move to have peace of mind?

ed

 

[sba]

Your replies are so true that no one can fault them!
But i hope you never get into these kind of situations to understand what i mean.
The change of locks so far is the best way i think,if he gets funny then the feds would make sure he ends up in a cell!
Would i bail him out?i can't say! since he hasn't been that nasty to me!
I know he has abused me and all that
But no the changed locks is the way forward i think.
Thanks everyone

 

[silverwhisper]

if he winds up in jail do not bail his sorry ass out!

if you do, the message that sends is either: 1) that you're playing with him and have upped the stakes, or 2) you made a terrible mistake and you're sorry.

neither of these are messages you want to send.

and remember: remove the spare key (if any) and make sure he hasn't got one of his own.

ed

 

[christian1971]

What you need to do is also make sure that you yourself is safe if you do anything. You say now that he hasn't been physical, which worries me since if you think he mite make me kinda think that he has (SORRY).

I am not sure where your from since I am getting the feeling your not in the United States. But I am sure that in any almost any country now a day there are right for woman against being abused, Mental or Physical.

If your going to break up with him you can also do it in a public place to insure that he will not do anything to you. Just be sure that your not alone and you DON'T go alone with him.

And if MACE is legal or pepper spray is legal where you live get some. Don't be afriad like others said to call your local police if you are going to have his things removed from the hosue too. I know we mite be going to far or fast with things but know that it's just advice and help.

Just don't allow yourself to be used like he sounds like he is doing to you.

 

[sba]

Lol.. I have cattle prods which is a small hand held torch like weapon which gives a shock(never used) that would probably stun him for a few moments.
But without getting physical which i know i would lose,key changes after an argument manufactured by me should do it.
I sometimes after a mental torture from him wish all the bad things on him,i think i need to hype my self up to that level before changing the locks and get away for a few days.

 

[FluteMaster]

Calm

Sba,

been reading these posts - I can sympathise about what it is like to be in a shitty relationship - and mental abuse is a whole lot more damaging than physical - cos it takes away the will to stand up and fight back.

But what to do???

Well the first thing is to know that you are loved and cared for, you just haven't found them yet. The guys on this site (and I'm being inclusive here) are on your side, and some of them speak from bitter and painful experience.

Secondly, go at your speed. Sounds like you will be fighting a tough battle when he realises that his little sex ticket is going off him. Get some some legal advice, get some support from "abusive Support Group" (possibly online?). Only act when you are ready.

Thirdly, fight the battle in your head first. Your comment about "he will win anyway" shows that you have a lot of unlearning to do - and I know that this won't be easy. Even a little mantra, or the words of a song can help. (How about "I will survive?)

Fourthly, keep this goal in mind - you are worth a whole lot more than this.

You are among friends here, even if the big tough guys don't live next door. Good luck in your plans though, I think yr on the right track.

 

[FastFastr]

When ever i am not in a mood for sex and say no to repeated requests by my boyfriend to either have sex or give him an oral ,he always cries that he is having pains from down there due to my ignorance!
Is this true? Or is it just another way of getting women to feel sorry into giving a half hour blow job?

First of all, you say "requests to have sex or give him oral." Regardless of what people say, oral IS sex. That's why it is called oral SEX. Both of you should be in the mood for sex.. whether it is oral, anal or vaginal.

The pains come from almost reaching orgasm without ejaculation. If you are teasing him and bringing him ALMOST there, that is an issue - otherwise he is manipulating you.

Tell him he has two hands that he can use if is in so much pain.

 

[TheCurious]

Lol.. I have cattle prods which is a small hand held torch like weapon which gives a shock(never used) that would probably stun him for a few moments.
But without getting physical which i know i would lose,key changes after an argument manufactured by me should do it.
I sometimes after a mental torture from him wish all the bad things on him,i think i need to hype my self up to that level before changing the locks and get away for a few days.

You know you're not in a healthy relationship if you can say something like "mental torture" in regard to how your significant other treats you.

Hope everything works out for you.

 

[koalabear]

When ever i am not in a mood for sex and say no to repeated requests by my boyfriend to either have sex or give him an oral ,he always cries that he is having pains from down there due to my ignorance!
Is this true? Or is it just another way of getting women to feel sorry into giving a half hour blow job?

Tell him to go find a sheep for release. He's fucking with your mind or He's the biggest pussy around.

 

[LukkyKnight]

...is it just another way of getting women to feel sorry into giving a half hour blow job?

If he's old enough to wheedle and whine as part of his quest for sex, he's probably worked out masturbation by now.

 

[hogjack]

I have cattle prods which is a small hand held torch like weapon which gives a shock(never used) that would probably stun him for a few moments.

Kinky but effective. After awhile he'll begin to enjoy the pain. You'll need to alter your techniques.

 

[Cathleen]

Your replies are so true that no one can fault them!
But i hope you never get into these kind of situations to understand what i mean.
The change of locks so far is the best way i think,if he gets funny then the feds would make sure he ends up in a cell!
Would i bail him out?i can't say! since he hasn't been that nasty to me!
I know he has abused me and all that
But no the changed locks is the way forward i think.
Thanks everyone

Why would you use that emoction about abuse? I just don't get that.

 

[smoothdrops]

When ever i am not in a mood for sex and say no to repeated requests by my boyfriend to either have sex or give him an oral ,he always cries that he is having pains from down there due to my ignorance!
Is this true? Or is it just another way of getting women to feel sorry into giving a half hour blow job?

It's not true, well not for me anyway, can't speak for the other 3 billion men in the world.

 

[BigM]

We men are always in the mood for sex so we will never turn away sex....

Slow down, bucko. Not all us guys are so easy. I've said 'no thanks' now and then. (Not a lot, but now and then.)

Now golf? I would never say no to golf. Or a big juicy burrito.

 

[FluteMaster]

Slow down, bucko. Not all us guys are so easy. I've said 'no thanks' now and then. (Not a lot, but now and then.)

Now golf? I would never say no to golf. Or a big juicy burrito.

Sex? Yep, I've said no a few times.

I pint down the pub with a friend?? You're on mate.

Cheers

 

[Apollonia_K]

if he winds up in jail do not bail his sorry ass out!

if you do, the message that sends is either: 1) that you're playing with him and have upped the stakes, or 2) you made a terrible mistake and you're sorry.

neither of these are messages you want to send.

ed

I definitely agree with silver on these 2 points...i erased the part about the extra key for a reason.

I beleive you when you say that he hasn't hit you, at least I believe it's possible to be that scared/controlled by someone who hasn't hit you. You need to realize too that right now you have low self esteem, and it could be just because of how this asshole treats you. People like this are manipulators and they know how to lower a persons self esteem in a very deliberate way. By EVERYTHING you're saying, to me it sounds like this is what he's doing. It's on purpose. If he mentally beats you down enough, you won't get rid of him and he gets what he wants.

You need to take the advice of others on here and seek out some type of help/support before you dump his sorry ass. They can also point you to some person or agency who can help you get your self esteem back.

I was married to an asshole like this that I was afraid of even though he never actually hit me. He hit other things, threw objects at me etc. He had a horrible temper and I knew that if he knew I was actually going to divorce him, he'd hurt me.

I got my plan together. He left every morning at 5:00 for work. I waited for him to leave then got up and took all my locks off the door (easy enough, you just need a screwdriver). Took my locks to a locksmith and had them re-keyed for a few dollars a piece. Took them back home and screwed them back onto the doors. Put all of his personal belongings in boxes and took them to his work and unloaded them beside his car. Left a note on top telling him not to come to the house or I would call the police. I sat and waited for him to show up and of course when he did he was yelling and screaming and being threatening from outside and I called the police. Then I filed a restraining order.

I tell you all of this because sometimes it seems so overwhelming and you just need details. Not that everyones situation is the same, but I'm just trying to give you practical ideas.

 

[FluteMaster]

Congratulations

Wow Appolonia -you did a brave a courageous thing, and you made me proud to read it.

Seriously, my Dad was the bastard in my family, and I have hated bullys ever since. So hearing what you did and how you did it lifted my spirits. Thanks for sharing.

 

[silverwhisper]

apollonia, i know you did it for you b/c you had to, and that you probably don't feel like this is warranted, but i for one am proud for you.

ed

 

[Eilan]

apollonia, i know you did it for you b/c you had to, and that you probably don't feel like this is warranted, but i for one am proud for you.

ed

Seconded. I've never been in this situation, but I've been on the outside looking in, and I know how tough it can be to take that first step.

 

[Apollonia_K]

apollonia, i know you did it for you b/c you had to, and that you probably don't feel like this is warranted, but i for one am proud for you.

ed

Thanks for your kind words flute and silver. They kind of took me by surprise because I've never thought of what I did as courageous. It was just really self preservation at the time.

It's amazing at the personal things you'll tell people on here when they strike a cord in your heart. I know how she feels though and somehow I hope seeing that someone else could do it will give her the courage to help herself. I surely wasn't much different in my thinking than she is at this point, and if I could do it, so can she.

 

[Apollonia_K]

Seconded. I've never been in this situation, but I've been on the outside looking in, and I know how tough it can be to take that first step.

Well, it's definitely true that the first step is the hardest but after you do it, everything else that follows is a little easier.

 

[FluteMaster]

Courage

Thanks for your kind words flute and silver. They kind of took me by surprise because I've never thought of what I did as courageous. It was just really self preservation at the time.

It's amazing at the personal things you'll tell people on here when they strike a cord in your heart. I know how she feels though and somehow I hope seeing that someone else could do it will give her the courage to help herself. I surely wasn't much different in my thinking than she is at this point, and if I could do it, so can she.

Isn't that all about feeling the fear, and doing it anyway? I know it's the title of a book, but rings true for me