RocketLauncher
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Ann_Tagonist
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You only live once.
dolf
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Flirting is just flirting, whatever the medium, and I don't feel the need to announce every time I flirt. And I have an absolute right to have private correspondence and friendships. I've told him that, and I don't have room for negotiation. He wasn't entirely comfortable at first, but he's fine now. I have a right to privacy and so does he.
private ≠ cheating
Everyone knows what the line is though, but some people choose to kid themselves about it. You know when you're going beyond flirting, when talk of sex is personal and intimate rather than general and matter of fact. IMO, posting nudes is one side of the line and pming them is the other.
private ≠ cheating
Everyone knows what the line is though, but some people choose to kid themselves about it. You know when you're going beyond flirting, when talk of sex is personal and intimate rather than general and matter of fact. IMO, posting nudes is one side of the line and pming them is the other.
Que
aʒɑ̃ prɔvɔkatœr
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Private ≠ secret
The difference being you've had a conversation and set boundaries about what is private. Now that you have privacy that would permit you to cheat if you should choose to do so you can still cheat within the bounds of this agreed upon private area.
It's no different than having an agreed-upon girls night out. If you abused that and make plans to meet some dude on girls night out whose quote just a friend on quote at some point it's cheating.
I agree that there is a line there somewhere and the line generally is right about the time you feel the need to go on to a public forum and ask if what you're doing is cheating
The difference being you've had a conversation and set boundaries about what is private. Now that you have privacy that would permit you to cheat if you should choose to do so you can still cheat within the bounds of this agreed upon private area.
It's no different than having an agreed-upon girls night out. If you abused that and make plans to meet some dude on girls night out whose quote just a friend on quote at some point it's cheating.
I agree that there is a line there somewhere and the line generally is right about the time you feel the need to go on to a public forum and ask if what you're doing is cheating
dolf
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The conversation wasn't about the contents of privacy. That's the whole point of privacy. The conversation was more along the lines of, "do you want a relationship like xxxx's, checking the other person's phone and opening their mail and assuming that the only thing that stops a person cheating is the threat of being caught? Neither do I. If you don't trust each other then there's no point in being together at all."
CandiCame
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Que you do know that people have friends of all genders, right? By your logic bi and pansexual people literally could not go anywhere without their SO. Who do you know who actually has a friend group that's all one gender? That's not a real thing. Or if it is, that's really sad and probably has to do with jealousy.
The only time I've ever seen that happen has been the result of an abusive relationship. I knew one person who was so deep in that shit that she wasn't even a friend. She was a chick I went to school with who was working on a project with me about the glandular system's role in mood stabilization. I texted her about when to meet up to work on the project and I got a text back that said something like.
"My name is X and I'm Y's boyfriend."
I had so little experience with jealousy that my instant thought was, "This guy just got a gf and is sending this text to everyone on her friend's list because he's so happy to have gotten into the relationship."
So I texted back, "Congratulations, my dude. I'm Candi, your gf and I are working on a project together! I hope you have many happy years together!" or something like that.
Come to find out he didn't want her hanging out with any other men. Because he was fucking crazy. He actually came with her to work on the project with me. He contributed nothing. Eventually I got pissed about it and brought my man, who DIDN'T sit there sulking and got us coffees and shit and talked about the project with us. I'm so fucking dumb that at this point I still didn't know it was jealousy. I thought the dude was just a douche. Well the next time he didn't come with her, and she explained to me that now that he knew I had a boyfriend he no longer considered me a threat.
Because, and I cannot emphasize this enough, he was fucking crazy and abusive. Because that mindset of "You can't go out with male friends" is fucking abusive.
CandiCame
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I don't, but to be fair to me, it's because I'm very, very stupid and did not, until you pointed it out, consider it a breech of privacy. I genuinely thought everyone did that.
To be fair to me- expectation of privacy is not like... something I have really? I always thought it was an opt-in thing, not an opt-out thing. If you tell me that something is supposed to be private I respect that, but if you don't I'm not fucking psychic. Preface shit with, "you didn't hear this from me" or "don't tell anyone about this" and I'll take it to my grave.
But if we're just saying shit how the hell am I supposed to know it was a secret?
Edit: Like real talk I don't consider my partner going through my phone a breech of privacy. All the time I'll be like, "Hey get on my phone and do X for me, my hands are covered in chicken grease" or whatever. I don't really have a concept of keeping shit from them. If you tell me anything and don't specifically tell me not to tell them I'm gonna.
Hell, if you say, "Don't tell anybody" and don't specifically include them like, "Don't tell anybody even B and C," then... I'll probably still tell them. But I'll be like, "So this is a secret. Don't tell anybody, but..."
I might not be a good person to tell secrets, I'm realizing.
I can't count the number of times my phone has went off with a pm and I've told one of them to get on there and read it out loud to me because I was doing something and couldn't physically touch a phone. I do a lot of stuff that has me too dirty to touch a phone.
Sorry to keep editing, but we open each other's mail too. Usually because it's like:
"Hey you got something in the mail?"
"What is it?"
"I don't know"
"Well open it and tell me what it is"
"Oh it's that thing you ordered"
"Sweet. I wanted that. That's why I ordered it. I will use it upon my return home."
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Que
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You owe fidelity and privacy to a stranger but not to your partner?
dolf
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I'm with you about the gender of the friends. I don't even ask the gender of who he is with. I trust him not to stick his dick in a girl just because they're at the same social gathering. He'll sometimes remark that someone was particularly attractive, in the same way he'd mention a beautiful car or a cute dog or someone with an unusual career.
The person I confide in when in emotional distress is actually the guy I was involved with before him. Ape knows this, the guy and I have both moved on romantically, and friends who connect with you on that level are too precious to be ditched for no rational reason. Him having a dick isn't a rational reason.
Handling a phone for a good reason, getting a number, making a call, etc. isn't the same as rifling through to see what the person is up to. One is practicality, the other is a lack of trust and an invasion of privacy.
The person I confide in when in emotional distress is actually the guy I was involved with before him. Ape knows this, the guy and I have both moved on romantically, and friends who connect with you on that level are too precious to be ditched for no rational reason. Him having a dick isn't a rational reason.
Handling a phone for a good reason, getting a number, making a call, etc. isn't the same as rifling through to see what the person is up to. One is practicality, the other is a lack of trust and an invasion of privacy.
dolf
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That's what I thought...
CandiCame
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I don't even have a concept of what that would be like, in a romantic partner. I just don't have that wall. I wouldn't want my parents or someone doing that, because I'm not out and they'd use it to ruin my life, but yeah, any time one of my lovers wants to use my phone for anything they can go ahead. I just don't have the same expectation of privacy as you. People have different levels and I'm more open. I don't have a lot of boundaries.
If someone else did have that boundary I would respect it, but I'd also be... pretty worried about them, if I'm being honest? Because generally people build those walls up for a reason, and generally that reason is lack of trust. Someone has hurt them before, found something they weren't supposed to or whatever, and it's put them on edge. I'm sure if my mom or someone went through my phone and found texts I'd sent to my boyfriend I'd never trust most people with my phone again.
But I'd still trust people I was in romantic relationships with. Because if I couldn't trust them to see what was on my phone and not judge me I don't need to be in a relationship with them. It's a ride or die thing. You can tell me you just killed somebody and I'll help you figure out where to hide the body and tell the cops you were with me the whole time. If you won't do that back, then we don't need to be together. If there's anything in my phone or my computer or whatever that's going to be a problem, that I can't trust you with, then I don't need to be in the relationship. It really is that simple for me.
The people I confide in when I'm in emotional distress... are my lovers. Whoever's easiest to reach and most likely to be able to actually help me in that moment. I mean, I will with friends, and my brothers, as well, but they're my go-tos. Because, again, that's part of the point of a relationship, ride-or-die unconditional support.
This actually might be a gender thing, because studies have shown that men tend to pawn almost all of their emotional support off on their romantic partners whereas women tend to have a bigger social support circle. I'm trying to get better with that but like... they're right there. Especially my gf because we live together. I do genuinely feel bad about it because I bitch SO MUCH and then I'll apologize for being emotional or bitching too much and then that gets annoying and it's an endless loop of clusterfuckery. I'm trying really hard to spread that out, but like... she's right there all the time and she's not stupid. She knows when I'm upset. So I actually don't really know how to handle this.
And also like 9 times out of ten if I'm going to break down it'll be as I'm going to bed. And because I only sleep like once every two or three days if it's gonna happen it's gonna happen like two feet from her. What's she gonna do, sleep through my bitch crying?
You know it also might not be completely a gender thing, it might also be a crazy thing. But I am working on it.
Que
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I'm in agreement about a phone though because a phone is the modern equivalent of the Diary just having that available to go through is not good for anyone.
If your standard is he can do anything he like as long as he doesn't stick his dick in a stranger well then there's probably not really anything that he might do that would offend you involving his phone.
That's a level of openness in Freedom that not everyone subscribes to within a monogamous relationship.
If your standard is he can do anything he like as long as he doesn't stick his dick in a stranger well then there's probably not really anything that he might do that would offend you involving his phone.
That's a level of openness in Freedom that not everyone subscribes to within a monogamous relationship.
dolf
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It's not about being judged or having been hurt in the past. There's fuck all I've not told him. It's the intent behind reading through my private stuff. The motivation for reading messages, unless there's specific reasons, is lack of trust and/or disrespect of my privacy. if my daughter is texting about gynaecological problems, or my sister WhatsApping about the baby she lost, those texts weren't written to be read by anyone else and him reading them would be horrible. If he's looking because thinks that maybe my phone contains sexts to a colleague then I don't want to be in this relationship anymore.
If he answered my phone because it was ringing, or asked me if he could look up a number in it, or borrow it when his had no charge or signal, that wouldn't even register as unusual. Normal use isn't snooping.
If he answered my phone because it was ringing, or asked me if he could look up a number in it, or borrow it when his had no charge or signal, that wouldn't even register as unusual. Normal use isn't snooping.
Hal9000_
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Salacious_B_Crumb
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People can't be trusted. Fuck 'em.
Since I've been single I've found it incredibly easy to get married pussy. Shouldn't be that way. I should get shot down each and every time but no, they open their legs like I paid for it. A smile, a little comment here and there, next thing ya know we're having a drink somewhere "safe" and she's bitching about how her husband doesn't pay attention to her anymore. Like seriously, stop being a whore and maybe he will.
In the meantime tho...
Yes, I know that doesn't mean I have to dive right in but I don't know the dudes, aint my problem. Ok, once it almost became my problem but he was all hot air and I sorta knew that.
Anyway what a bunch of unfaithful assholes. I was no saint of a husband in any of my marriages but I didn't cheat and never hid anything except some porn history. Fucking whores.
Since I've been single I've found it incredibly easy to get married pussy. Shouldn't be that way. I should get shot down each and every time but no, they open their legs like I paid for it. A smile, a little comment here and there, next thing ya know we're having a drink somewhere "safe" and she's bitching about how her husband doesn't pay attention to her anymore. Like seriously, stop being a whore and maybe he will.
In the meantime tho...
Yes, I know that doesn't mean I have to dive right in but I don't know the dudes, aint my problem. Ok, once it almost became my problem but he was all hot air and I sorta knew that.
Anyway what a bunch of unfaithful assholes. I was no saint of a husband in any of my marriages but I didn't cheat and never hid anything except some porn history. Fucking whores.
Salacious_B_Crumb
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Always. I never tell anyone who I've been fucking. I might wanna go back and you don't want a favorite fishing hole getting too crowded.
I was thinking more along the lines of common courtesy.
When i was married, my penis went on sightseeing trips to vaginas here and there, without issue.
Salacious_B_Crumb
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Married people shouldn't be fucking around. I have no respect for folks who do that.
I will fuck some of them but my penis doesn't care if I respect them or not.
I make no judgements and don’t care one way or the other, but i do believe in courtesy and discretion in all things.
T
Tigra1984
Guest
To have such a harsh opinion that you can’t trust people I am sorry. Something obviously happened to you that caused you to feel that way. Not judging but being married a few times might have something to do with it. To clarify I have not and never have cheated physically on my husband. I don’t believe in that. If your that unhappy in a marriage then it isn’t a marriage anymore and it time to leave.
it cheating when you have practically nothing going on at home? That's my situation. Last night I reminded my wife that our last session of adult activity was the weekend of the 12th and 13th.
She said that was my fault which isn't true. So I'm here and it isn't cheating for me. If I had the opportunity to have a romp with someone, I would.
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