Is it Cheating?

[Comshaw]

No. It's hardly obtuse, nor is your follow-up question analogous. In my experience, a person usually asks whether such-and-such activity is cheating when they know damn well in their heart it is cheating. The question is relevant because the concern is already present.

Then your experience is very limited.

Comshaw

 

[von_Bismarck]

I thought you were smarter than this.

 

[cowslinger64]

No it isn't. There is no one who must know everything about you, no matter who they are. It is true that the more you share with a partner, the closer you are and the better the relationship will be, but it isn't a requirement for a good relationship to tell them all.

As far as I'm concerned if there is no physical contact, there is no cheating, which goes back to my prior statement about we get to make our own moral boundaries. Some people think that oral sex isn't cheating. Do I? Yes. But I don't get to define their boundaries for them, so I don't get to dictate what they should believe and shouldn't.
It doesn't have anything to do with "rationalization". By saying that you are projecting your moral standards onto someone else. It ain't my (or anyone elses) place to be the moral police.

It's funny how you were quick to point out that those with opposing viewpoints were WRONG, then proceeded to throw out your parameters for what's cheating.

This person asked for everyones OPINION on the subject, and they were given. It's not up to you to decide for anyone else what's right or wrong. Personally, I think your opinion on someone carrying on an online "affair" being ok, and that you don't owe your partner to not carry on behind their backs, to be really stupid. Whatever woman gets stuck in a serious relationship with you where their trust is so easily ignored, I feel very sorry for.

Perhaps in a casual relationship, I can see it.. but this woman is married. There should be no secrets... though the things done before you even meet that person, those things I can see your point about no one not knowing everything.


Btw... I have lots of experience, none of it involved betraying the trust of my partner.

 

[madisoncb29]

I hate to make it this simple - but would your husband or wife or SO be upset if they found out what you were doing here/who you were talking to/about? If the answer is yes, then it's cheating.

 

[Tigra1984]

If you have to hide it from your spouse it is cheating. You are sharing some portion of yourself that you are not sharing with your spouse.

Now, whether r you have a suitable rationalization in place is a completely different matter.

I feel though someone will never know you completely. We all keep secrets. Whether those secrets are just thoughts in your head or an unanswered desire. Hell even a pet peeve you have that you don’t tell the other person because it just apart of who they are and while it might annoy you it makes them them.

 

[Tigra1984]

I mean... I'm with Que. If you lie about it it's pretty fucked up. I read my pms out loud to my lovers sometimes and they help me respond.

If you get a real fucked up response pm from me it might be because someone gave me a better idea. Y'all think I'm smart enough to think up that shit on my own?

My gf online dates a lot and we do the same thing. "Everyone gather round the screen and help get me laid."

If your seeking input from others to answer a question, respond to a discussion board or reply back to the PM then it isn’t your and your lying as well. The online world allows us to be whoever we want to be or wish we could be so naturally you assume someone isn’t being completely truthful with you. I am not like that personally and no judgment on those who do.

 

[Tigra1984]

What's your personal loophole?

Is mutual masturbation in print okay as long as there are no pictures?

I have no loophole. I just have my own personal opinion on what I qualify as cheating. My body is for my husband so that is why I don’t do video, pictures etc. Thst is my line where if I cross it then I am cheating. As far as mutual masturbation don’t you also achieve that by reading the stories on this site and looking at what people post? Even if you never respond to a discussion or a PM you are still here for a sexual reason. I write a story you read it and then use it to masturbate. I or you cheated because of that?

 

[shelly2inme]

It is a form of cheating

To me there should be no need for secrets between mates.

I fuck around with people on Literotica but my husband knows and reads most of it.

 

[FL30]

I have been wondering about this question for a while now. I have a few friends I have made from this site that I talk to on a pretty regular bases. Eventually the question arises of, “Do you consider this cheating?”. Since I met these friends from this site our talks do have a sexual context to them most of the time naturally. I personally don’t do videos, pictures or voice chatting because, that is my line in the sand to keep this from being something that I feel like I am cheating on my husband with. Others feel like sharing those things isn’t cheating either because, this is something that will never take place in the real world. Still others feel the moment you make contact with someone outside of your relationship that is cheating. I am just curious how do you feel about this situation?

If you have to ask, then yes it is.

 

[Tigra1984]

I think for most people, the critical thing will be whether you feel compelled to hide your activity from your partner, because you know he or she will react badly. And not the nature of the activity itself. Like I said, there are problem cases we could imagine that reasonable people will disagree about (some folks might feel that watching porn is also cheating). But feeling the need for secrecy is the red flag.

I will agree with the need for secrecy part can be the red flag of cheating. But what if the partner or spouse would be fine with what your doing but you don’t tell because that is part of the thrill for yourself and telling them would take that away. There is always a draw to what your not suppose to do. It is funner if it bad right? lol

 

[despete]

I have no loophole. I just have my own personal opinion on what I qualify as cheating. My body is for my husband so that is why I don’t do video, pictures etc. Thst is my line where if I cross it then I am cheating. As far as mutual masturbation don’t you also achieve that by reading the stories on this site and looking at what people post? Even if you never respond to a discussion or a PM you are still here for a sexual reason. I write a story you read it and then use it to masturbate. I or you cheated because of that?

In a previous post you compared going to a strip club to interacting with people here.

Now you equate mutual masturbation with reading stories and jerking off.

Don’t you even have one nude of your wife you can post to give your character a scintilla of reality?

Swimsuit shot?

 

[cowslinger64]

I will agree with the need for secrecy part can be the red flag of cheating. But what if the partner or spouse would be fine with what your doing but you don’t tell because that is part of the thrill for yourself and telling them would take that away. There is always a draw to what your not suppose to do. It is funner if it bad right? lol

You're justifying something you have done and/or are doing now..

 

[smtst5]

I would much rather have my significant other playing on this site than going out to the local bar and talk and flirt with random patrons. I’ve had two different girlfriends cheat on me. One ended up marrying my college roommate and I have no idea where the other ended up.

Flirt and have fun. You only live once.

Just my $0.02

 

[despete]

I would much rather have my significant other playing on this site than going out to the local bar and talk and flirt with random patrons. I’ve had two different girlfriends cheat on me. One ended up marrying my college roommate and I have no idea where the other ended up.

Flirt and have fun. You only live once.

Just my $0.02

What instead of fucking your roomate she was cyberfucking me?

Would you have married her?

 

[smtst5]

What instead of fucking your roomate she was cyberfucking me?

Would you have married her?

If that’s what she wanted to do. Hey have at it. If it turned physical then Iwould have had an issue with it.

 

[Nicegirl111]

I am with Que and others,,,,, Yes, it is cheating..... if they aren't on here with you having fun with or know the people you are up all hours of the night "chatting" with they aren't just friends and its cheating and you are a cheater! OK I am done...

 

[Nicegirl111]

I could see that happening... No different than running the streets end it!

 

[CandiCame]

May I ask what is the different between talking to someone you will never met in person to get arousal than going to a strip club or watching a porno? You are fling outside of your relationship to find fulfillment but it won’t go as far as physical cheating. Why is this not ok and that is? For some people I mean.

I'm trying to figure out how watching a movie or stage performance could possibly be cheating. I need this one explained to me because there's only two dots there and I can't connect them. Talk to me like I'm a toddler because this makes no sense to me.

If your seeking input from others to answer a question, respond to a discussion board or reply back to the PM then it isn’t your and your lying as well. The online world allows us to be whoever we want to be or wish we could be so naturally you assume someone isn’t being completely truthful with you. I am not like that personally and no judgment on those who do.

This also makes no sense to me. And I realized after quoting them that these are the same person. This is something else I need explained. Everyone does this, it's basic human communication. Every person on the planet has had a conversation like, "This person has said X to me, what should I say back?" How is taking advice anywhere close to lying?

You're making connections, Tigra to things that I just can't figure out how to connect. I need them explained to me. I'm not saying that you're wrong, I'm saying I can't figure out the logic you're using to make the assertions working backwards from the conclusion. It seems completely out of left field.

 

[Salacious_B_Crumb]

Bunch of cheatin' bastards.
I agree with the majority tho, if you're hiding it, you're cheating.

Part of the fun of being single is I don't gotta worry about my browser history.

 

[Nicegirl111]

Good for you.... this would be fun to do with a partner...

 

[Que]

May I ask what is the different between talking to someone you will never met in person to get arousal than going to a strip club or watching a porno? You are fling outside of your relationship to find fulfillment but it won’t go as far as physical cheating. Why is this not ok and that is? For some people I mean.

Watching a p**** is not in an active that person is not trying to get you off specifically nor are you having any effect whatsoever on the people on the screen.

There are all different kinds of gentlemen's clubs and they're all different kinds of experiences at those clubs. Are we talking about going out with some boys and hollering at the stage talking occasional bill into a g-string and looking at some titties while drinking beer? I don't think that's probably cheating although some wives are going to be upset about that especially if they feel less than endowed or they feel like that implies that they are less than.

How about this your husband goes to a gentlemen's club once a week he's got his favorite there they get off in a quiet little corner and he doesn't even touch her but they just have a fairly intimate conversation that he finds very arousing?

None of that's a problem at all if your spouse is okay with it or at least knows in general terms what is going on and what might go on.

It sounds to me like you've already made up your mind that you want to continue having these sexual interactions with other people and are simply trying to decide if you can continue to rationalize it. I think you can continue to rationalize it and on the broad spectrum of the sort of thing that Puritans would call say I would say this is a little lower ranking than going out and having an affair. Little bit of a gateway drug though.

If it enhances your relationship with your husband, it's not cheating.

Well that's a very European or South American attitude especially in Catholic countries where you can in the past by indulgences. You can have a great relationship with your mistress which enhances your marital relationship that doesn't change the fact that it's cheating. What you should have said is yes it's cheating but if it enhances your marital relationship it is perfectly acceptable to cheat.

To clarify I am in a perfectly happy marriage. We have been together for 12 years and married 10. I just happen to have a large sex drive than him and have haunted this site for years reading the stories. If I become aroused based off of a story I read or a conversation I have and he reaps the benefits how it that dysfunctional?

I have often said that mismatched libidos are God's cruelest joke. I'm assuming that he is aware that you have sexual needs that exceed his. There's no reason at all that you still can't involve him. I don't think you want to in dump all of this in his lap but is he already aware that you read dirty stories? I don't see anything wrong with that and I can't imagine he would either. What I would recommend is that you make it obvious that you've been reading some stories maybe you've got a vibrator a toy out maybe leave the the story up so if he chooses to after you've left the room he can glance at it it might lead to some interesting conversations.

The next step is to have a conversation with him about oh my look what I just discovered just today there seems to be forms attach these stories were people discuss the stories and other things that they are interested in I think I'm going to go on there and just see what that's all about.

I don't think it's necessary that he's looking over your shoulder and participating in all of your interactions with other people but he needs to know at least the broad strokes and if he does and he's okay with that that's a pretty functional , healthysexual dynamic.

It really doesn't matter what we think, or what our standards are; do you think it is? If so then it is. We all get to draw our own moral line and determine where that line exists. I've never been one who much cares what others think of my moral boundaries. They're mine to define and mine to deal with and I refuse to surrender that freedom and responsibility to someone else.





No it isn't. There is no one who must know everything about you, no matter who they are. It is true that the more you share with a partner, the closer you are and the better the relationship will be, but it isn't a requirement for a good relationship to tell them all.
As far as I'm concerned if there is no physical contact, there is no cheating, which goes back to my prior statement about we get to make our own moral boundaries. Some people think that oral sex isn't cheating. Do I? Yes. But I don't get to define their boundaries for them, so I don't get to dictate what they should believe and shouldn't.
It doesn't have anything to do with "rationalization". By saying that you are projecting your moral standards onto someone else. It ain't my (or anyone elses) place to be the moral police.



While I agree with your last sentence, the first one is a rather obtuse observation. So if I ask if the sky is yellow, it is because I ask if it is? The majority of questions aren't asked and the the answer is included the question. Most are asked because people are told something and they wonder what the true, correct answer is. That being said, most questions about emotions, morals and other things dealing with human interactions rarely have a single correct answer.

But as you said, if it is interfering with the relationship between her and her husband, she might want to take a longer look at it and it could be (weighed be her own moral standards) considered cheating.


So first you say that it doesn't matter what we think but then you go on and grantor exoneration. When clearly she's conflicted. She wouldn't be asking the question if she wasn't conflicted. She should be conflicted because it's a problematic activity.

At some point she's going to slip up and hubby is going to notice something some artifact that indicates that she said had some kind of sexy time with someone else. When he runs across that snippet she's then going to have to explain that it was only online and gosh I didn't do this and I didn't do that and I only did this and I only did that.

I don't think your spouse needs to know every little dollar you spend and what you spend it on although they should be aware in general terms of where you spent the money. If you're hiding purchases from your spouse and they aren't really aware that you're siphoning off resources for whatever it is you're choosing to spend money on whether it's curses or shoes or that dress that you lied and told him has been in the back of your closet for years it's still Financial infidelity. Infidelity is infidelity. Either you're on the same page or you're not.


I love the bolded sentence! it's the wordy equivalent of the southern "Bless your heart". A backhanded way of doing just exactly what you say you're not. And how, from a single paragraph, did you get that they have a dysfunctional marriage? While I can't say they don't have, I also can't, from the small amount of information contained in the OP's post, say they do. I think you might be projecting your own moral values and life lessons onto them where it may not fit.



BAWAHAHA! And here I thought you had no sense of humor!


Comshaw

I messed up and put my comments in the middle of that but it's too hard to clip them and put them on the outside

The old saying is, of course :

"If you have to ask..."

You and cowslinger have it right. I think a better question is are the lines that I'm drawing for the extent to which I am willing to be emotionally unfaithful to my spouse reasonable?

One of the things that frequently comes up that can definitely impact a marriage is the concept of a work wife or a work husband. This is somebody that you have warm and fuzzy feelings for who complete you in some way but you're not actually f****** in the parking lot after work. That doesn't necessarily mean that it does not detract from your primary relationship.

There are people who can divide their affections in that way and there are people that can't but generally speaking when you are getting your emotional needs met somewhere else where there's very little investment and very little risk it makes it a whole lot easier to be a little less interactive with your spouse. It definitely shows. Mine always knew when I was talking to someone.

 

[Jada59]

Cheating isn't usually about sex but sex might be involved. It's more of a connection with someone else that you aren't getting with your partner. But bottom line... It depends on what you and your partner agree on.

 

[RocketLauncher]

Interesting article in Psychology Today on this very subject:

...the most salient form of emotional infidelity is that which involves another person, and engages that person in a pseudo-romantic or pseudo-sexual relationship, whether proximal or at a distance. Stated plainly, it's a crush that's reciprocated, but not demonstrably acted upon.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/enlightened-living/200809/emotional-infidelity

 

[Que]

Interesting article in Psychology Today on this very subject:

...the most salient form of emotional infidelity is that which involves another person, and engages that person in a pseudo-romantic or pseudo-sexual relationship, whether proximal or at a distance. Stated plainly, it's a crush that's reciprocated, but not demonstrably acted upon.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/enlightened-living/200809/emotional-infidelity

Emotional infidelity is often a harder pill to swallow than sexual infidelity. The spouse will usually by the it just happened excuse for sexual infidelity but emotional infidelity wounds pretty deeply.

 

[Oblimo]

our talks do have a sexual context

This seems overly vague, I think, for me to offer you my opinion of whether you are doing something infidelitous.

However, why not tell your partner what you are doing? That's the most direct way to resolve the issue.