Is it Cheating?

[Tigra1984]

I have been wondering about this question for a while now. I have a few friends I have made from this site that I talk to on a pretty regular bases. Eventually the question arises of, “Do you consider this cheating?”. Since I met these friends from this site our talks do have a sexual context to them most of the time naturally. I personally don’t do videos, pictures or voice chatting because, that is my line in the sand to keep this from being something that I feel like I am cheating on my husband with. Others feel like sharing those things isn’t cheating either because, this is something that will never take place in the real world. Still others feel the moment you make contact with someone outside of your relationship that is cheating. I am just curious how do you feel about this situation?

 

[Que]

If you have to hide it from your spouse it is cheating. You are sharing some portion of yourself that you are not sharing with your spouse.

Now, whether r you have a suitable rationalization in place is a completely different matter.

 

[Mscott9004]

Good question

I have been wondering about this question for a while now. I have a few friends I have made from this site that I talk to on a pretty regular bases. Eventually the question arises of, “Do you consider this cheating?”. Since I met these friends from this site our talks do have a sexual context to them most of the time naturally. I personally don’t do videos, pictures or voice chatting because, that is my line in the sand to keep this from being something that I feel like I am cheating on my husband with. Others feel like sharing those things isn’t cheating either because, this is something that will never take place in the real world. Still others feel the moment you make contact with someone outside of your relationship that is cheating. I am just curious how do you feel about this situation?

Very good question Tigra, I have to agree with you on the statement “that it will never take place in the real world”. I think as long as you don’t cross that line you are ok. Of course that’s our perspective. I’m there will be some thought provoking comments and questions will be posted on this thread!

 

[CandiCame]

I mean... I'm with Que. If you lie about it it's pretty fucked up. I read my pms out loud to my lovers sometimes and they help me respond.

If you get a real fucked up response pm from me it might be because someone gave me a better idea. Y'all think I'm smart enough to think up that shit on my own?

My gf online dates a lot and we do the same thing. "Everyone gather round the screen and help get me laid."

 

[von_Bismarck]

If you feel compelled to ask whether it's cheating, then probably it's cheating. Only probably because we can conceive of problem cases that reasonable people would disagree about. But if you're chatting to get aroused, forming a relationship, interfering with your offline relationship, and hiding your activity from your partners, then probably most people will agree it's cheating.

 

[despete]

I have been wondering about this question for a while now. I have a few friends I have made from this site that I talk to on a pretty regular bases. Eventually the question arises of, “Do you consider this cheating?”. Since I met these friends from this site our talks do have a sexual context to them most of the time naturally. I personally don’t do videos, pictures or voice chatting because, that is my line in the sand to keep this from being something that I feel like I am cheating on my husband with. Others feel like sharing those things isn’t cheating either because, this is something that will never take place in the real world. Still others feel the moment you make contact with someone outside of your relationship that is cheating. I am just curious how do you feel about this situation?

What's your personal loophole?

Is mutual masturbation in print okay as long as there are no pictures?

 

[Que]

I'm not casting stones because it takes two people to be in a dysfunctional marriage but if you can't discuss these sort of things with your spouse you are in a dysfunctional marriage. It might be salvageable it might be something that they can be improved upon it might not be. It might be something that the OP has worked diligently to improve upon, or not.

I've been in both a dysfunctional and a wonderfully functional marriage. I've only been married the one time. I highly recommend the level of brutal honesty that makes it possible to discuss conversations that you're having with other people.

 

[Que]

What's your personal loophole?

Is mutual masturbation in print okay as long as there are no pictures?

That tends to be the de minimis boundary. I myself added the caveat that it couldn't be with anyone within driving distance given that I'm a handsome and personable man. Why wouldn't they want to meet up in the meat-world to make a meal of my meat, as it were?

 

[silver gurl]

Fine line and not recommended unless your spouse knows. My best friend was having friendly (only) emails. It blew into drama and her thirty year marriage is about to end.

 

[despete]

Fine line and not recommended unless your spouse knows. My best friend was having friendly (only) emails. It blew into drama and her thirty year marriage is about to end.

Is she cute?

 

[beew]

If you feel compelled to ask whether it's cheating, then probably it's cheating. Only probably because we can conceive of problem cases that reasonable people would disagree about. But if you're chatting to get aroused, forming a relationship, interfering with your offline relationship, and hiding your activity from your partners, then probably most people will agree it's cheating.

As you see, OP this isn't the right board to seek validation.

Even our trolls have standards.

 

[DeckardNYC]

Fine line and not recommended unless your spouse knows. My best friend was having friendly (only) emails. It blew into drama and her thirty year marriage is about to end.

I think silver girl is onto something here. You've (and I'm speaking for all of us that have spouses or SOs and are here on lit as well) already decided you're going to be here, so that's a done question. The real question is how would your spouse or SO react if they knew the full extent of your communications on lit? As a practical matter, that's when it's cheating or ok.

 

[Tigra1984]

If you feel compelled to ask whether it's cheating, then probably it's cheating. Only probably because we can conceive of problem cases that reasonable people would disagree about. But if you're chatting to get aroused, forming a relationship, interfering with your offline relationship, and hiding your activity from your partners, then probably most people will agree it's cheating.

May I ask what is the different between talking to someone you will never met in person to get arousal than going to a strip club or watching a porno? You are fling outside of your relationship to find fulfillment but it won’t go as far as physical cheating. Why is this not ok and that is? For some people I mean.

 

[silver gurl]

May I ask what is the different between talking to someone you will never met in person to get arousal than going to a strip club or watching a porno? You are fling outside of your relationship to find fulfillment but it won’t go as far as physical cheating. Why is this not ok and that is? For some people I mean.

I would have that discussion with my spouse.

 

[von_Bismarck]

May I ask what is the different between talking to someone you will never met in person to get arousal than going to a strip club or watching a porno? You are fling outside of your relationship to find fulfillment but it won’t go as far as physical cheating. Why is this not ok and that is? For some people I mean.

I think for most people, the critical thing will be whether you feel compelled to hide your activity from your partner, because you know he or she will react badly. And not the nature of the activity itself. Like I said, there are problem cases we could imagine that reasonable people will disagree about (some folks might feel that watching porn is also cheating). But feeling the need for secrecy is the red flag.

 

[Counselor706]

If it enhances your relationship with your husband, it's not cheating.

 

[despete]

May I ask what is the different between talking to someone you will never met in person to get arousal than going to a strip club or watching a porno? You are fling outside of your relationship to find fulfillment but it won’t go as far as physical cheating. Why is this not ok and that is? For some people I mean.

Your husband says it's okay for me to fuck you as long as I only cum on your tits.

 

[beew]

If it enhances your relationship with your husband, it's not cheating.

Translation: I, too am cheating online on my wife.

 

[Tigra1984]

I'm not casting stones because it takes two people to be in a dysfunctional marriage but if you can't discuss these sort of things with your spouse you are in a dysfunctional marriage. It might be salvageable it might be something that they can be improved upon it might not be. It might be something that the OP has worked diligently to improve upon, or not.

I've been in both a dysfunctional and a wonderfully functional marriage. I've only been married the one time. I highly recommend the level of brutal honesty that makes it possible to discuss conversations that you're having with other people.

To clarify I am in a perfectly happy marriage. We have been together for 12 years and married 10. I just happen to have a large sex drive than him and have haunted this site for years reading the stories. If I become aroused based off of a story I read or a conversation I have and he reaps the benefits how it that dysfunctional?

 

[Tigra1984]

As you see, OP this isn't the right board to seek validation.

Even our trolls have standards.

I am not seeking validation but perspective. We can not grow as people and understand someone else’s point of view if we first don’t ask the questions and then listen to their answers and know that I might not agree with your opinion but that is only.

 

[cowslinger64]

If you have to hide it from your spouse it is cheating. You are sharing some portion of yourself that you are not sharing with your spouse.

Now, whether r you have a suitable rationalization in place is a completely different matter.

As much as I hate to do it... quebert is correct.

You'll often find that the betrayal of trust is a harder pill to swallow than the act of sex itself.


The difference between this sort of action verses porn or strip club is a personal connection with someone. Whether you meet or not.

 

[Counselor706]

To clarify I am in a perfectly happy marriage. We have been together for 12 years and married 10. I just happen to have a large sex drive than him and have haunted this site for years reading the stories. If I become aroused based off of a story I read or a conversation I have and he reaps the benefits how it that dysfunctional?

You're responsible for your own happiness. Take advantage of every unexpected pleasure.

 

[Comshaw]

I have been wondering about this question for a while now. I have a few friends I have made from this site that I talk to on a pretty regular bases. Eventually the question arises of, “Do you consider this cheating?”. Since I met these friends from this site our talks do have a sexual context to them most of the time naturally. I personally don’t do videos, pictures or voice chatting because, that is my line in the sand to keep this from being something that I feel like I am cheating on my husband with. Others feel like sharing those things isn’t cheating either because, this is something that will never take place in the real world. Still others feel the moment you make contact with someone outside of your relationship that is cheating. I am just curious how do you feel about this situation?

It really doesn't matter what we think, or what our standards are; do you think it is? If so then it is. We all get to draw our own moral line and determine where that line exists. I've never been one who much cares what others think of my moral boundaries. They're mine to define and mine to deal with and I refuse to surrender that freedom and responsibility to someone else.

If you have to hide it from your spouse it is cheating. You are sharing some portion of yourself that you are not sharing with your spouse.

Now, whether r you have a suitable rationalization in place is a completely different matter.

No it isn't. There is no one who must know everything about you, no matter who they are. It is true that the more you share with a partner, the closer you are and the better the relationship will be, but it isn't a requirement for a good relationship to tell them all.
As far as I'm concerned if there is no physical contact, there is no cheating, which goes back to my prior statement about we get to make our own moral boundaries. Some people think that oral sex isn't cheating. Do I? Yes. But I don't get to define their boundaries for them, so I don't get to dictate what they should believe and shouldn't.
It doesn't have anything to do with "rationalization". By saying that you are projecting your moral standards onto someone else. It ain't my (or anyone elses) place to be the moral police.

If you feel compelled to ask whether it's cheating, then probably it's cheating. Only probably because we can conceive of problem cases that reasonable people would disagree about. But if you're chatting to get aroused, forming a relationship, interfering with your offline relationship, and hiding your activity from your partners, then probably most people will agree it's cheating.

While I agree with your last sentence, the first one is a rather obtuse observation. So if I ask if the sky is yellow, it is because I ask if it is? The majority of questions aren't asked and the the answer is included the question. Most are asked because people are told something and they wonder what the true, correct answer is. That being said, most questions about emotions, morals and other things dealing with human interactions rarely have a single correct answer.

But as you said, if it is interfering with the relationship between her and her husband, she might want to take a longer look at it and it could be (weighed be her own moral standards) considered cheating.

I'm not casting stones because it takes two people to be in a dysfunctional marriage but if you can't discuss these sort of things with your spouse you are in a dysfunctional marriage. It might be salvageable it might be something that they can be improved upon it might not be. It might be something that the OP has worked diligently to improve upon, or not.

I've been in both a dysfunctional and a wonderfully functional marriage. I've only been married the one time. I highly recommend the level of brutal honesty that makes it possible to discuss conversations that you're having with other people.

I love the bolded sentence! it's the wordy equivalent of the southern "Bless your heart". A backhanded way of doing just exactly what you say you're not. And how, from a single paragraph, did you get that they have a dysfunctional marriage? While I can't say they don't have, I also can't, from the small amount of information contained in the OP's post, say they do. I think you might be projecting your own moral values and life lessons onto them where it may not fit.

That tends to be the de minimis boundary. I myself added the caveat that it couldn't be with anyone within driving distance given that I'm a handsome and personable man. Why wouldn't they want to meet up in the meat-world to make a meal of my meat, as it were?

BAWAHAHA! And here I thought you had no sense of humor!


Comshaw

 

[Hal9000_]

The old saying is, of course :

"If you have to ask..."

 

[von_Bismarck]

While I agree with your last sentence, the first one is a rather obtuse observation. So if I ask if the sky is yellow, it is because I ask if it is?

No. It's hardly obtuse, nor is your follow-up question analogous. In my experience, a person usually asks whether such-and-such activity is cheating when they know damn well in their heart it is cheating. The question is relevant because the concern is already present.