Is it acceptable...

[rosebud5446]

 

[M's girl]

I don't know you and there's not much to go on from your profile. But in general I would say that when people influence your life in a very unhealthy way (no matter who they are) you should step back, at least for a while, if you think it would be better for you. You say "they are only dreams", but they are not. In our dreams we 'deal' with issues we have in real life.

I think I would want to find out if there is a way that you can interact with her on a level that does not influence your life this much. If there's not, I would sit her down when she's in a good "mood" (sober?) and tell her that you love her but can't deal with her problems at this point in your life. I'm assuming it is holding you back on many levels, otherwise you would not ask us here what to do. Am I right?

Also tell her that you will get back in touch with her when you are ready again. After you made yourself stronger and less vulnerable. You need to be strong and confident yourself first to be able to deal with problems like these, I suppose.

Maybe there's more we need to know before we tell you what to do or not? If so, please share!

Anyway, good luck!

 

[eudaemonia]

rose,

1) I don't think you're crazy, or even need therapy, necesssarily;

2) I have a difficult relationship with my mother over her anger and jealousy issues, and it cycles in ways that cause me night dreams and day dreams about what to do ... even to the point of just writing her off completely. (I'm going through that now, if it's any consolation. However, I'm not willing to say more at this time);

3) Don't take this as judgmentalism, but as an intuition-based-on-experience: having your mom go talk to your stepmom about you doesn't seem very helpful for either of you, regardless of Debbie's personal feeling towards you.

That all said, it does sound like you're really needing a sounding board. You've come to the right place.

 

[rosebud5446]

 

[Cathleen]

Rose, I'm sorry for your situation. What M's girl said about backing off unhealthy people is difficult but the smart thing to do. I know what it's like to live with alcoholics and the crap that goes with it. I found a lot of help in ACOA - Adult Children of Alcoholics. I found the meetings thru Al-Anon but I know there are independent organizations now. I also did seek therapy and that too was very helpful.

It's a family disease, it's also the symptom of inner dis-ease, if you will, and finding help to heal those things can be very effective in developing tools to deal with active alcoholics as well as the fall out of it all.

There are some excellent resources online that can lead you in a positive direction that will be good for you -- there are many choices, not all are right for everyone so look around.

You're more than welcome to PM me I'll be glad to help if I can.

 

[wally2450]

you don't have to read all this, this is just some of the major issues. i tried to put it in separate sections so you can pick and choose what to read.

She has picked fights with me in the past... Everything will be fine, then she will just start yelling at me. I try to defend myself and tell her she's not making any sense, or it is unfair to blame me for something that is out of my control. Once, this lead to her kicking me out of the house (for absolutely no reason), and another time she told me to get out of her life (i told her I would get out of her house but i would never leave her life and left (which obviously i am kind of wishing i had just left it when she asked then it would be totally her fault, and i would mabye feel less guilty))
I am starting to also realize that ever since my parents got divorced when i was 14 and probably before that she was not a good mother...i guess she was good in the fact that she showed me love when she was sober, but she would throw parties at 2 in the morning when i had school the next day, and refuse to even quiet down a little so i could sleep, we would also argue alot.

Most recently... I told her I would come to her house and make her a special mother's day dinner, which she acted really excited. I talked to her a few days later in the week, and she mentioned that one of her ex's (that i'm pretty sure she is seeing on a more regular basis now) that i think is a scumbag (and she knows this), who has beat her in the past, was going to be in town staying with her that weekend. later in the conversation she asks about her dinner i had planned for her, and i said 'well, i wanted to cook you dinner, but now that he's going to be in town i guess not.' she called back a few minutes later really upset, and we worked out that he would go for a little bit while i had dinner with her, but she ended up inviting him back over while i was there, then got mad when i didn't stay much longer. so i thought that was pretty rude that she made plans over mine that i made special for her then got mad at me.

I found out last night that over memorial day, my brother's widow and 7 year old daughter came to town to visit his grave. they called my mom's house several times, and came by and knocked on her door for a while, but she did not even answer. I know she was there. She said she was home all day but didn't mention any of this to me, and they said her car was there. I don't know why she didn't, but there is no excuse for even seeing her granddaughter for 5 minutes then saying she doesn't feel good if she doesn't really want to see her which is bad enough, she jsut fucking ignores it, and it really pisses me off.

I had some of the same issues with my dad. He didn't drink but it was like walking on egg shells being around him. Do the best you can but draw a line a stand by it.

 

[PertPerth]

Just because she's your mother, doesn't mean that a relationship is good for you!

I have three very close friends who, like me, have not seen their mothers in years due to unhealthy relationships with them. I still feel guilty for not seeing my Mother, but then I remember how depressed I was almost all the time due to her emotional abuse. (And yes, abuse isn't just physical - it can be emotional!)

It particularly becomes important to remove negative people in your life once you start having children. Kids are AMAZINGLY smart and pick up on vibes. It's generally better for them to not have a relationship with Grandma, rather than to know Grandma as the person that hurts Mum/Dad all the time.

Just remember you need to look after YOU - not her! Good luck,
Pert

 

[rosebud5446]