Is he playing, or is this a normal thing?

[DVS]

OK, I hope I'm getting this informaiton right, as it's coming from a friend of mine, who's subbed with me. She's a switch and her boyfriend is, too...she thinks. That's where the question comes in. She said she knows he's a Dom, and is good at it. But the subbing part of his play has her asking questions.

She asked me this question and I couldn't answer it. It's something only male subs or female Dommes can answer. She said her boyfriend says he enjoys being dominated, and he acts like he does, too. But, unlike her, when she's subbing, he doesn't (or can't) have a climax. In fact, she said he never even gets hard. But, he does get hard before, and after any form of subbing he does.

She said he acts like he enjoys it, and he does say he enjoys it, but she wants to know if he is just doing it for her, because she enjoys being the Domme. She said his heart beats fast, and all signs seem to reflect that he's enjoying it, but she thought he would be hard, if he enjoyed it, and so she thinks she might be doing sonething wrong. She said she can touch his cock, he seems to enjoy it, but the only thing not there is that erection.

Of course, he she should be asking him these questions, but they are both very new to this kind of fun, and she doesn't want to insert a bad feeling where it seems they are getting along fine. If she knew this was something normal, she would just forget it and get along with beating his ass. But, if it isn't something normal, she would then ask him if he's really not getting into that part of their fun.

I'd almost say he's just playing the part of a sub for her, but I don't know. I'd appreciate real Dommes or male subs to fill me in on this.

 

[Netzach]

I would not take a lack of erection as a lack of fulfillment or interest. Most, though by no means all of the men I've played with have gotten hard, usually those who are comfortable with me and know me well. Nany men have not however, I'd say a lot of the heavier players I know don't get hard at all when I'm beating them, and a lot of the more nervous neophytes likewise.

I'd assume that if all other signs are go he's getting out of it what he needs, and frankly I'm there to get what I need, not to make wood.

If she loves being the Domme, I'd say just be it and focus on her own signs of interest.

 

[her_nix]

i humbly submit,
i typically react the same way. i'm generally erect at the beginning of a scene and then again at the end. It's not for a lack of pleasure, quite the contrary in fact. Oftentimes i go so deep into my headspace that my body is almost completely forgotten. i am completely enjoying myself. This physical escape is what i hope for out of a scene. i still 'feel' what's happening to me, but its on a whole different level.
hope this helps.

nix

 

[John Doe]

Just like the lack of an orgasm (while ncie to have) for a woman is not necessarily a sign of lacking enjoyment, neither is the lack of an erection in a man.

And as Netzach pointed out, it's really about the Domme's enjoyment anyway.

BTW, I am neither a Domme nor a male sub, so I suppose you can take my opinion with a grain of salt.

 

[bronntanas]

Mine comes and goes too, during a scene. Two things come to mind right away. First is that porn movies aside, men usually don't stay hard for hours and hours and hours at a time. Some guys do; apparently I'm on the longer end of the spectrum, but a lot of that is just being 20 and halfway turned on most of the time anyway, I think! Even when a guy doesn't lose it completely, quite often it softens a bit and comes back up. Ebbs and flows so to speak. The other thing is the enjoyment level frequently has nothing to do with the state of physical arousal. I do sometimes lose it mid scene; usually that's a sign that I'm getting spaced. After a while, the pleasure/pain seems to overtake the whole body. The erection just isn't that important in the state. When I do get spaced in a scene, the erection comes back when I come back. It's like dessert after a good dinner.

Here's an interesting aside...

BDSM is about 75 percent mental for me. If I do stay up for an entire scene, usually it means she's not engaging my brain and emotions, too. It's still fun, but it's not the same for me without the mental aspect.

 

[Quint]

Just like the lack of an orgasm (while ncie to have) for a woman is not necessarily a sign of lacking enjoyment, neither is the lack of an erection in a man.

Exactly right. To continue on that line, I'm not wet even half the time I'm being played with. But I could still be having a terrific mindfuckery experience of it.

 

[DVS]

Well, for some reason, Lit didn't even notify me my own thread had responses to it. But, I do appreciate all of these responses. I knew Lit posters would have real life answers, and this is just what I need. I couldn't tell her, because I haven't been a sub, to have these real llife feelings, myself.

But, after I've read some of these posts, it does come to mind that I'm not always hard, when Domming someone. In fact, I get most of satisfaction from control, even if I don't climax physically. I didn't understood that, years ago, but I do know my primary goal is the control of the sub, be that denial, or maybe forced orgasm. My "physical" satisfaction isn't always what I'm looking for, because I'm very much into mentally controlling my sub. My mental satisfaction is sometimes all I need.

Thanks for the posts. I'll pass this information along, and if she has any more questions, I'll post them here. And, any further posts on this subject are more than welcome.

 

[DarkLadyOfDeath]

Being I'm not male in any form of function physically I can't asnwer the erection issue..

But when I was reading if I missed it my apologies.. but no ones yet stated teh obviouse at least in my mind.. they should talk and discuss this. Even after getting all the responses from other people She shouldn't just take the advise you've found for her and let it be. Have either"played" "scened".. ect.. with others?.. If so simply asking if it's happened with anyone else would be a "polite" way of inquireing if he's happy being a sub.

it's not a seriouse issue.. but if something more seriouse does come up the pattern has already been laid.

just an idea/concern.

If it's just some slap 'n tickle... well then.. tell 'em to play safe

 

[DVS]

Being I'm not male in any form of function physically I can't asnwer the erection issue..

But when I was reading if I missed it my apologies.. but no ones yet stated teh obviouse at least in my mind.. they should talk and discuss this. Even after getting all the responses from other people She shouldn't just take the advise you've found for her and let it be. Have either"played" "scened".. ect.. with others?.. If so simply asking if it's happened with anyone else would be a "polite" way of inquireing if he's happy being a sub.

it's not a seriouse issue.. but if something more seriouse does come up the pattern has already been laid.

just an idea/concern.

If it's just some slap 'n tickle... well then.. tell 'em to play safe

Yes, it's an obvious choice, for them to talk this out. But, it doesn't hurt a bit to find out if she even has an issue to bring up, first. She was only asking for information, first. Why bring something up, if there is no problem?

I'm her first BDSM player, and she is his. She answered an ad I had posted about training newbies in the finer points of BDSM. After some time together, she told me she met a guy and I even coached her with expressing her need to be spanked to him.

She was sure he would think she was some pervert! Actually, I consider the word a compliment, but she was just learning all of this fun stuff. She was still very new to it and was unsure of her own feelings, let alone how to find out if her boyfriend felt like she did.

After a few months, she told he she had playfully taken charge of her boyfriend and found that she liked it. She questioned this, as she didn't even know the term "switch" existed. I told her whatever feels good between the two of them is OK. She recently said they both seem to be switches, then her question about the erection came up.

They are just learning all of this and she considers me her mentor, I guess. I have no problem with this, and am willing to answer what I can or get answers for her. Now, I see there is no real problem, and will tell her so.

Like I said...why bring something up, if there is no reason? If there had been a problem, I'm sure she could openly talk to him about it. She just came to me for information. And, eventually, she will come to me less and less as their relationship evolves on its own.

 

[DarkLadyOfDeath]

Thats precisely what I was inquireing about. If it's a "relationship" or a "growing experiance".. or both.. or neither. I intended no rudeness.. Just abit blunt at times.. And she won't know if it's an "issue" unless she asks him.. everyones different.. as everyone is saying.. some do.. some don't.. most do.. most don't.. there are always exceptions to every rule was my ultimate point.

and anyone who feels there is a "problem" or "question" or " need".. ect.. Should eventually address it with another person.. in any relationship. Everyones answers should give her confidance.. but the oppinions and experiences of others do not neccisarily represent her boyfriends own. I think the best way to express this is.. bdsm ect.. complicates a relationship... it does not simplify it. The bdsm aspect isn't as important as the relationship aspect:hands up to say wait: .. if she wants him in her life more then she wants the scene...

If it was something that wouldn't run into play very often.. like a reaction to a particular toy ect.. I'de agree with you about her not needing to talk or even "ignore her nerves".. But a guy not getting a hard-on when your topping him.. even if it's a 1 minute Q&A.. I think should be adressed. It's something that she has a big enough problem with to come to you and then you to the board... Or this is how I see it. Should and needs to be addressed, or she could slowly lose her confidance. And deny something she seems to obviousely enjoy. It's one thing if the scene isn't ones thing..

and I'm just overanalyzing again... *sticks her head under a rock...*

 

[SweetSurrendered1]

Thats precisely what I was inquireing about. If it's a "relationship" or a "growing experiance".. or both.. or neither. I intended no rudeness.. Just abit blunt at times.. And she won't know if it's an "issue" unless she asks him.. everyones different.. as everyone is saying.. some do.. some don't.. most do.. most don't.. there are always exceptions to every rule was my ultimate point.

and anyone who feels there is a "problem" or "question" or " need".. ect.. Should eventually address it with another person.. in any relationship. Everyones answers should give her confidance.. but the oppinions and experiences of others do not neccisarily represent her boyfriends own. I think the best way to express this is.. bdsm ect.. complicates a relationship... it does not simplify it. The bdsm aspect isn't as important as the relationship aspect:hands up to say wait: .. if she wants him in her life more then she wants the scene...

If it was something that wouldn't run into play very often.. like a reaction to a particular toy ect.. I'de agree with you about her not needing to talk or even "ignore her nerves".. But a guy not getting a hard-on when your topping him.. even if it's a 1 minute Q&A.. I think should be adressed. It's something that she has a big enough problem with to come to you and then you to the board... Or this is how I see it. Should and needs to be addressed, or she could slowly lose her confidance. And deny something she seems to obviousely enjoy. It's one thing if the scene isn't ones thing..

and I'm just overanalyzing again... *sticks her head under a rock...*

I don't think you are overanalyzing at all. She shouldn't just take this information and say to herself, "Good, everything is okay," and then let it go. She should allow this valuable information to provide her with the confidence to say to him, "I noticed that you don't stay erect when you're subbing and I just want to be sure that isn't an indication that you aren't enjoying it. I know it's natural for a lot of guys, but if there's something you're not enjoying or if there's something I can do better..." It actually becomes the perfect opportunity to bring their relationship to a higher level of trust, comfort, communication, and respect. I think it's great advice! So pull that pretty head back out from under that rock!

 

[ghosst_K&H]

The only time I stay hard is when theres direct stimulation to my genitals, otherwise it comes and goes like all the other males have said.

I don't get hard when I'm flogged, or spanked even thou I enjoy those tremendously.

 

[DarkLadyOfDeath]

TY.. this topic brings back alot of personal memories of my own.. and I was starting to slide in that direction. Did not want to bring up the pain I had gone threw as a sub trying to get my boyfriend to top me.. and the lack of communication on his end... I "assumed" everything was all hunky dory when in fact it was not... 3 monthes he didn't say anything about not enjoying our scenes.. until one day it all blew up 'n went to hell. I personally couldn't stay in a "vanillla" relationship.. and it ended bad enough I haven't "dated" in about 4 monthes... and I'de hate to see this happen to anyone else.. though the exact mechanicas are not the same this has a very similar feel to it.

huh... I think I make more sense when I'm half-asleep...

 

[John Doe]

Exactly right. To continue on that line, I'm not wet even half the time I'm being played with. But I could still be having a terrific mindfuckery experience of it.

I don't like you. Don't talk to me.

 

[DVS]

and I'm just overanalyzing again...

I don't think you are overanalyzing at all. She shouldn't just take this information and say to herself, "Good, everything is okay," and then let it go. She should allow this valuable information to provide her with the confidence to say to him, "I noticed that you don't stay erect when you're subbing and I just want to be sure that isn't an indication that you aren't enjoying it. I know it's natural for a lot of guys, but if there's something you're not enjoying or if there's something I can do better..." It actually becomes the perfect opportunity to bring their relationship to a higher level of trust, comfort, communication, and respect. I think it's great advice! So pull that pretty head back out from under that rock!

Well, I think you both were overanalyzing it, but only a little. And, that could be because I didn't post my whole conversation with my friend. What sweetSurrender has said is to the point and that's what she's going to do. She has no experience in this area AT ALL, and came to me for the experience. I had none, so I told her I'd post a thread on this board.

All she wanted was what she got...information. Information is valuble to someone who has none, and now she has the necessary information to go and talk to her boyfriend. She can say just what was said, above. But, before she asked for and got this infiormation, he was the only man she had ever dominated, so she didn't know "it's natural for a lot of guys" .

And, she asked me for information about what she was doing, too, to see if she was doing something wrong or maybe something that could be done better. I've already told her what she and her boyfriend do is between them, and nobody else can really tell them what should feel good, after a certain point. I told her I would post the thread and get her the information on the erection aspect, then she would be able to communicate with him, better on that level and also on what he might like that she isn't doing.

Trust me, I wasn't going to tell her everything was OK and be done with it. I've been doing this sort of thing for quite a while, now. BDSM is different for everybody, just like most everything in life. She even asked if she should tie him up. I said that's not a question I could answer. Only he could answer that question for her. She likes being tied up, but he has yet to do that for her. I told her now would be a good time to talk with him about that. Although they are both in their late 30s and early 40s, they are both quite naive.

I also told her she should refine her relationship with him. Now that she knows the basics about things, it's time to streamline their play to benefit the needs of the two of them. So you see, the erection thing was only a part of what she came to me for. But, I do appreciate your input, so don't think I don't.

 

[SweetSurrendered1]

You are a good friend and mentor, DVS. She's lucky to have you