Is He Into Me Or Not?

[Miss Diva]

Ok here is my story.

In October 2004, I met my current PYL. He is a very nice guy and we became fast friends and play around alot. We agreed that the relationship would be based on PYL/pyl only. No long term stuff, no boyfriend/girlfriend. So that meant we were both free to see other people. Basically we are "fuck" friends. We all have needs.

I did not know but he programmed my cell number in his cell (ok most guys are going "Yeah so" and many women are going "oh that is good") And then he programmed his cell number in my cell. (Sounds like something out the Sienfeld show! )

We mostly stay at his place to play because he does not have money and neither do I. I lost my job.

Ok so about 4 weeks I went out on a disastrous blind date (of which he was aware about) and he then said he was changing the rules. That he would have to approve any blind date I had. I said no way you cannot do that. Anyways the argument is not settled yet.

Also I have used his office to learn some software that he has. And he wanted my one morning to come in with nipple clamps. Even though only one other man works there, NO WAY. And one day when his employee was not there he put them on me for fun.

He was spending Christmas with his mom cooking and I went with him to get all the ingredients and stuff. He was not sure where to get everything so I helped him out. And he promised to make me brownies, which he did!! WOW. I was not expecting him to do that for me.

Now he keeps saying our relationship is what it is and he wants kids and I don't, but here is my problem. I am 42 and too tired for kids and he is 41. Besides my eggs are too old, I think.

He said he would call on Christmas day and guess what? He did call and we chatted. WOW. I was so impressed.

And for New Year's he went to Toronto to see his sister, brother in law and their five kids (they got back from Disney on the 31st). Again he said he would call and I thought yeah sure, you will be so busy with the kids, blah, blah. Well guess what? He did call. WOW. I was so impressed.

So my question to the men (and women please feel free to add your comments): Is he interested in me in a long-term type of way, or am I doing what most women do and over-analyzing the whole situation and hoping for something that is not there. Am I making much ado about nothing?

I know I know I need to talk to him. And yes it sound like I am still in high school but some things never change.

Comments, Questions, Lectures anyone.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I would suggest maybe he is going through a few of the same questions himself about the terms of your relationship, and needs to talk with you about them just as you need to talk to him. I can identify with your thoughts on having children at your age, and from another woman who made the same decision when she felt it was the right one to make, I would say that is probably one of the major discussions that need to be had.

It may be he is having thoughts like a vanilla man I was dating some years back in that he wanted a child and couldn't see why I would deny him his wish even though he openly admitted he did not want to give up his single lifestyle or pay anything toward the child's welfare, and just refused to see why I should find that a problem. We are not breeding machines to fulfil the needs of men who suddenly realise they have passed 40 and are childless and so feel their biological clock ticking loudly.

As for him taking liberties in other areas, you also need to discuss this and come to some agreement as to future directions. If you want this and both share a similar view of where this is heading, great....but don't fall into submitting outside the terms you initially agreed to if it is not going to fit your life and future. Remember that big word 'consent'......you did not consent to this level of domination from him, and need to discuss what is really going on before agreeing to either accept or deny him that submission. It may well be this is going to be a beautiful and lasting relationship, but you have to both want it and acknowledge it for that to happen. Good luck with whatever decisions you both make.

Catalina

 

[fergus4]

Communication. Communication. Communication.

We men are fairly simple creatures in many ways. If you ask him straight up, you will USUALLY get a straight up answer (and respect). SOMETIMES you have a guy who will hem and haw and slink away (he is not used to a straight forward woman....they are rare and he might not be used to it).

Sounds like you both have a lot fo things to discuss. Pick one at a time (men are NO GOOD at multi-tasking) and cover it in straight forward honest language.

Women can often be heard to say "but I sent all the right signals".

Men DO NOT understand signals. No matter how hard we try, we jsut don't get 'em. Not our faults, just the way we are wired.

Men are about as subtle as a turd in a punch bowl. Use simple direct English and talk to him. If he is worth the effort, he will AT LEAST listen.

fergus

 

[chagrin]

It sounds like you would like him to be "into" you.

And, if that's true, isn't it worth taking the risk and actually asking him?

Good luck

 

[cinnamonstick]

I think he doesn't want you to date anyone else because he might lose a fuck buddy. Why not just ask him and then you will know for sure. No point in over analyzing the situation.

 

[silver_inari]

Ok here is my story.

In October 2004, I met my current PYL. He is a very nice guy and we became fast friends and play around alot. We agreed that the relationship would be based on PYL/pyl only. No long term stuff, no boyfriend/girlfriend. So that meant we were both free to see other people. Basically we are "fuck" friends. We all have needs.

I did not know but he programmed my cell number in his cell (ok most guys are going "Yeah so" and many women are going "oh that is good") And then he programmed his cell number in my cell. (Sounds like something out the Sienfeld show! )

We mostly stay at his place to play because he does not have money and neither do I. I lost my job.

Ok so about 4 weeks I went out on a disastrous blind date (of which he was aware about) and he then said he was changing the rules. That he would have to approve any blind date I had. I said no way you cannot do that. Anyways the argument is not settled yet.

Also I have used his office to learn some software that he has. And he wanted my one morning to come in with nipple clamps. Even though only one other man works there, NO WAY. And one day when his employee was not there he put them on me for fun.

He was spending Christmas with his mom cooking and I went with him to get all the ingredients and stuff. He was not sure where to get everything so I helped him out. And he promised to make me brownies, which he did!! WOW. I was not expecting him to do that for me.

Now he keeps saying our relationship is what it is and he wants kids and I don't, but here is my problem. I am 42 and too tired for kids and he is 41. Besides my eggs are too old, I think.

He said he would call on Christmas day and guess what? He did call and we chatted. WOW. I was so impressed.

And for New Year's he went to Toronto to see his sister, brother in law and their five kids (they got back from Disney on the 31st). Again he said he would call and I thought yeah sure, you will be so busy with the kids, blah, blah. Well guess what? He did call. WOW. I was so impressed.

So my question to the men (and women please feel free to add your comments): Is he interested in me in a long-term type of way, or am I doing what most women do and over-analyzing the whole situation and hoping for something that is not there. Am I making much ado about nothing?

I know I know I need to talk to him. And yes it sound like I am still in high school but some things never change.

Comments, Questions, Lectures anyone.

Ask him. Straight up and see what is in his thoughts. Although, as far as the kids issue, if he really wants them and you don't, there's not really a way t compromise on that. Ya can't have half a kid. *shrug* It was one reason I ended a relationship once, seeing as how he thought he wanted kids and I absolutely refuse to have them.

 

[TigerClaw]

......

 

[FungiUg]

You need to talk to him more. And you need to set some boundaries on any future relationship. That's pretty normal for a new relationship (I'd be worried about any relationship that didn't go through this.)

Try not to get yourself into the double-think/triple-think thing ("is he thinking that I'm thinking that he's thinking...") Just ask. Most guys are happy to be asked what they are thinking. Just be prepared for answers like "Well, I was wondering whether if it rains this weekend I will have time to mow the lawn."

Really, you are the two people involved here, so you need to discover between yourselves what will work and what won't. And yes, the kids thing is an issue, and can be a hard one to deal with.

 

[catalina_francisco]

As for kids. My sister has had two wonderfully healthy kids after 40. I would still check with a Dr to be sure.

I don't think it was a matter of would they be healthy so much as many women, such as myself, really don't have the energy to be a good parent in all ways after 40, especially when you are talking about giving birth to them after 40 as opposed to almost grown and on their own 2 feet. If you have more than one, say 2, you are probably looking at parenting fulltime for the next 20 years minimum, a point many who dive into older parenthood refuse to look at realistically until it is too late. It is a nice fantasy for the parent to be, but as a child of older parents myself, it does mean in many cases the child misses out on a lot of positive interaction with their parents other children take for granted. It is a long term situation with no easy way out.

Catalina

 

[NCShin]

it sounds to me like it could be a few different things. One is he could want his cake, and eat it too. Where it's being called an open relationship, but he only wants it open on his end. He can see other people, but you can't.

The other thing that seems reasonable to me is that he might have been told that he "rushes into things". It sounds like if he's talking about children at this stage that he might be a bit quick in those matters. So he might be saying it's open in hopes of avoiding being accused of rushing things.

Or it could be something totally different. People above are correct, us guys really have no clue unless it's spelled out for us sometimes.

 

[Marquis]

Ok here is my story.

In October 2004, I met my current PYL. He is a very nice guy and we became fast friends and play around alot. We agreed that the relationship would be based on PYL/pyl only. No long term stuff, no boyfriend/girlfriend. So that meant we were both free to see other people. Basically we are "fuck" friends. We all have needs.

What are you thinking? BDSM is only for deeply committed relationships. Personally, I believe in no BDSM before marriage.

 

[Miss Diva]

Re: Re: Is He Into Me Or Not?

What are you thinking? BDSM is only for deeply committed relationships. Personally, I believe in no BDSM before marriage.

Does that include sex?

 

[Marquis]

Re: Re: Re: Is He Into Me Or Not?

Does that include sex?

Absolutely, no sex, even after marriage.

 

[Miss Diva]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Is He Into Me Or Not?

Absolutely, no sex, even after marriage.

But once you are married BSDM is ok, right? Now the no sex part after marriage, is that with just your spouse or with others?

 

[Marquis]

Kidding sweetie. I'm often lambasted for wanting BDSM outside of committed relationships, so I thought it was ironic when you supported my perspective.

 

[Miss Diva]

Kidding sweetie. I'm often lambasted for wanting BDSM outside of committed relationships, so I thought it was ironic when you supported my perspective.

I was not sure so I went along with your train of thought. As for BSDM without a committed relationship, my current (and first) Master is fast becoming one of my good friends. I guess I am lucky.