Is cuddling important to you after sex/intimacy?

[Volz]

I used to think it was no big deal. But now I'm finding that I want cuddling more and more. I don't think it is as big of a deal to my husband as it is to me, so I've been trying to find ways of explaining to him that I 'need' it, but it's hard.

What does it mean to you? Do you need it?

 

[LonelyNights]

I find cuddling important as well. Even with my screw buddy, I find that one of us will almost always cuddle the other afterwards, although I seem to initiate it a bit more often then he does.

Sex without cuddling afterwards is kinda like the Superbowl without halftime...ya know, when the players get some downtime but there's still something going on to keep people in that football mindset.

 

[Eilan]

Cuddling is important to me, too. Even though cuddling is a physical act, to me it's about making an emotional connection after making the physical connection. My husband doesn't seem to mind.

I'm not sure if that makes any sense, but I can't think of any other way to explain it.

 

[SweetErika]

Cuddling is important to me, too. Even though cuddling is a physical act, to me it's about making an emotional connection after making the physical connection. My husband doesn't seem to mind.

I'm not sure if that makes any sense, but I can't think of any other way to explain it.

Well said, Eilan. I've been with cuddle-phobics, and it has detracted from the experience for me. Then again, I feel the desire to cuddle everyday, sex or no sex, just to feel that connection.

 

[Volz]

Well said, Eilan. I've been with cuddle-phobics, and it has detracted from the experience for me. Then again, I feel the desire to cuddle everyday, sex or no sex, just to feel that connection.

I don't think my husband is quite a cuddle-phobic. And like Eilan said, I really need that emotional connection. We do have that during sex, but I need something afterwards to know that "it's all ok." (And I'm sure that made no sense whatsoever.)

 

[SweetErika]

I don't think my husband is quite a cuddle-phobic. And like Eilan said, I really need that emotional connection. We do have that during sex, but I need something afterwards to know that "it's all ok." (And I'm sure that made no sense whatsoever.)

That makes perfect sense to me! I think cuddling is especially important after you've done someting new, outside of your comfort zone, or that could be associated with or produce negative feelings...it anchors the experience in something familiar and loving.

 

[LadyJeanne]

Cuddling afterwards is one of those simple things that enhances a sexual experience tremendously. It doesn't have to be a big production, but without it, sex feels incomplete. To expand on the Superbowl metaphor, it's like running 80 yards for the winning touchdown and not doing any kind of victory dance. You've won the championship - take the time to thank the little people who made it possible, don't just walk off the field (or fall asleep on it).

 

[Volz]

That makes perfect sense to me! I think cuddling is especially important after you've done someting new, outside of your comfort zone, or that could be associated with or produce negative feelings...it anchors the experience in something familiar and loving.

Cuddling afterwards is one of those simple things that enhances a sexual experience tremendously. It doesn't have to be a big production, but without it, sex feels incomplete. To expand on the Superbowl metaphor, it's like running 80 yards for the winning touchdown and not doing any kind of victory dance. You've won the championship - take the time to thank the little people who made it possible, don't just walk off the field (or fall asleep on it).

I love you both! That's exacly what I mean. lol

Now how can I explain this to my husband? I'm sure the football analogy wouldn't be too bad as he is a football fan, but I'm sure there would be questions like, "What teams are playing?"

 

[LadyJeanne]

I love you both! That's exacly what I mean. lol

Now how can I explain this to my husband? I'm sure the football analogy wouldn't be too bad as he is a football fan, but I'm sure there would be questions like, "What teams are playing?"

I find that sports metaphors and car metaphors are quite effective (a relationship needs at least as much maintenance as your car; the car won't take you anywhere if it's not fueled regularly).

When asked what teams are playing, be sure to mention you're both on the same team.

Edited to add: Sports metaphors are really good...warming up before the game, trying out new plays, hits, sacks, passing, assists, scoring, sweat, showering afterwards...

 

[blue112]

cuddling is definitly important to me, particularly when theres no other activities for legitimate reasons. definitily enhances the connection between people i think

 

[SweetErika]

I love you both! That's exacly what I mean. lol

Now how can I explain this to my husband? I'm sure the football analogy wouldn't be too bad as he is a football fan, but I'm sure there would be questions like, "What teams are playing?"

I can't remember what I told my husband, but I think it all came down to, "this is something I absolutely NEED to be happy." I also told him in an un-sugarcoated way how it feels when there was no or not enough cuddling...like it was discounting the intimate act, it was just physical, I didn't feel cared for in a wholistic sense, like it was dirty and something to be forgotten. I made it clear these were my thoughts and feelings and I wasn't blaming him or saying he actually felt that way, but I think it really sunk in that it was important to me and our relationship. He made more of an effort to cuddle enthusiastically, and I made efforts to understand how hard it was for him due to his upbringing, and now we're at a happy compromise.

 

[Eilan]

Oooh--I like the football analogy!

Cuddling is like the slap on the ass from your teammate AFTER the 80-yard touchdown run!

Or not. . .

 

[phoenix1224]

I've always liked cuddling afterwards.




But then, I'm a VERY attentive lover... So, I'm usually sooo exhausted afterwards that I can't do much of anything BESIDES cuddling...

 

[cymbline]

Cuddling is an important part of making love. For me, having shared a very intimate part of myself with someone the cuddling lets me feel complete, connected and safe within that person arms.

 

[Cakegirl]

I agree with you all. I had this argument the other day with my FB, who wanted to leave my room once the deed was completed. (But still stay in the house.) I was like WTF, and just ended up telling him "You suck!", which probably wasn't the best way of handling it.

 

[Eilan]

I agree with you all. I had this argument the other day with my FB, who wanted to leave my room once the deed was completed. (But still stay in the house.) I was like WTF, and just ended up telling him "You suck!", which probably wasn't the best way of handling it.

Understandable enough, though. My ex used to fall asleep two minutes (or less) after having sex, so there wasn't much cuddling there. He didn't believe me when I said something to him about it, so I timed him once.

On the one hand, I envied him for falling asleep so quickly; on the other hand, I didn't get to cuddle and talk like I do now. With four small kids, practically all of our uninterrupted conversations come during our post-sex cuddle sessions. It's major quality time.

 

[Travelintheways]

Even with my casual boy, I still like to cuddle a little. I like seeing this side of him that he never shows in public, and I like the nonsense things we talk about. I like having all of his attention and basking in it for a little while longer. Then I like kicking him out and going to sleep all warm and cozy

 

[pink swirl]

Oooh--I like the football analogy!

Cuddling is like the slap on the ass from your teammate AFTER the 80-yard touchdown run!

Or not. . .

Or at least a high five.

 

[Volz]

Understandable enough, though. My ex used to fall asleep two minutes (or less) after having sex, so there wasn't much cuddling there. He didn't believe me when I said something to him about it, so I timed him once.

On the one hand, I envied him for falling asleep so quickly; on the other hand, I didn't get to cuddle and talk like I do now. With four small kids, practically all of our uninterrupted conversations come during our post-sex cuddle sessions. It's major quality time.

That sounds exactly like my husband. I always have to get up to pee after sex and by the time I'm back to the bedroom, he's already asleep.


I tried talking to him the other night (a non-sexual moment) but he didn't seem to get it. Well, it was about a week ago that I talked to him and I still haven't gotten any cuddling. The weird thing is though, on nights we don't have sex, we cuddle a lot, most times even falling asleep cuddling.

 

[Noor]

I think cuddling is a physical thing to women more than an emotional one. Women's bodies are still up and ready for more sex, while men's shut down for a while. Cuddling is part of the transition back. It also depends how much of you is involved in the sex, mind, body, heart, how connected you are with your lover, if you are both feeling a oneness I notice a tendency is to cling more than cuddle with each other at first until everything slows down, your heart, your breathing, and you come back to reality.

 

[Eilan]

Volz, I just thought of something. I noticed in some of your previous posts that you and your husband are trying to have a baby. Has your need for cuddling increased since that time, or did it start before then?

I can see where the switch from sex for recreation to sex for procreation might trigger a need for more cuddling afterwards. I know this from experience. When my husband and I decided to have a baby we figured that because of his documented fertility problems it might take a while to be successful. Every time we had sex, we did it with the knowledge that we might be creating a child, thus strengthening the bond between us. It made me feel closer to him, yet, for some reason, vulnerable at the same time. I NEEDED the physical and emotional closeness after sex for that reason.

Just a thought. . .

 

[Volz]

Volz, I just thought of something. I noticed in some of your previous posts that you and your husband are trying to have a baby. Has your need for cuddling increased since that time, or did it start before then?

I can see where the switch from sex for recreation to sex for procreation might trigger a need for more cuddling afterwards. I know this from experience. When my husband and I decided to have a baby we figured that because of his documented fertility problems it might take a while to be successful. Every time we had sex, we did it with the knowledge that we might be creating a child, thus strengthening the bond between us. It made me feel closer to him, yet, for some reason, vulnerable at the same time. I NEEDED the physical and emotional closeness after sex for that reason.

Just a thought. . .

I suppose that could be part of it, but I've been missing the cuddling for a while now. Just wasn't sure how to broach it with my husband. I want to try and find a way to explain to himi n a way he can understand that I need cuddling.

My husband and I have been together close to 6 years, married for 1 1/2. I suppose that when we first started dating it wasn't a big deal because it was 'casual.' I knew I liked him a lot and that I would probably eventually end up marrying him, but I didn't know he felt the same way and I thought he was trying to keep it casual. The longer we're together, the more I love him and the more we get 'used to' each other. I really miss the closeness.

 

[SweetErika]

Volz, I asked my husband what changed/made him want to make more of an effort, and he said it was the sinking in of the thought that it was really important to me and a true NEED. I think we have the tendency to present lots of likes, wants and needs, and it's often hard for our partners to prioritize what they really need to make concerted efforts on. Maybe telling him how important it is and that it's on the top of your list of things that would make you happy and improve the relationship will encourage him to put in a little more effort to stay awake and cuddle (I'd imagine giving him a task such as getting a glass of water would keep him awake, but that's a decision you have to make).

 

[Saguaro69]

Cuddle, Cuddle

Cuddling is essential to me. In some ways it's more intimate than sex, because it's essentially emotional, a closeness of beings. I love to feel her breathing get more shallow and to hear her little almost-snores. In the middle of the night, I reach out and touch her just to prove to myself that she is real.

 

[sweetgirl666]

Same here, its a total essential to me. That is actually the number one thing I use to consider partners "good" or "bad", I actually stopped seeing people when there was no cuddling. I do not care much how good my orgasm was, but if the cuddling afterwards is bad I could have had no sex at all.