is being a submissive

[robynwildchild]

not having the ability or internal character to want to say No i wont ______ (insert whatever command here)?
Are you afraid of the consequences or does one relish in them.. or does the idea of being a people pleaser provide the blueprint for this endeavor?

just tryin to understand...

i'm caught between both dominant and submissive.. i aim to please but i am selfish and i can be controlling. i grew up with a mom who basically told me everything from how i should speak to how i should open christmas presents...

 

[caela]

I can't answer this question in a relational context but in a general one I would say, most definatly not. According to my mom "No" was one of the first words I learned and I still put it quite regular good use in my daily life. I enjoy doing things that please those I care for but, like you, I can be very selfish and have no qualms about saying no when I can't or simply won't do something.

The trick is knowing how to say it in a very polite way so I don't piss off my bosses at work lol.

 

[catalina_francisco]

not having the ability or internal character to want to say No i wont ______ (insert whatever command here)?

I can only speak for myself, but I am far from being someone who has a problem saying 'no', or for that matter defending my right to have and hold an opinion based on my own life experiences. Part of the challenge IMO is just that, the challenge to overcome your own desires, or perhaps lay them aside for those of another to whom you think or feel submission is right and worthy. It certainly is not a mindless doormat type existance, though many mistake it as such and think it is a way out of making decisions and/or taking responsibility for your own actions.

Are you afraid of the consequences or does one relish in them..

I don't submit out of fear, I submit out of choice, respect, and honour. If I have a problem with any order or suggestion I am allowed to voice my concern and the reasons for it, then it is his decision whether to retract the order or still insist on my attempting to please by obeying or at least trying to.

or does the idea of being a people pleaser provide the blueprint for this endeavor?

I think many people pleasers as they are called are attracted to the idea of submission, thinking in part it provides them with a way to please. Problem arises if they then get into a situation where what they do to please their Dominant does not please someone else. It then becomes a matter of choosing your Dominant and submission, or saying or doing what you think the 3rd person requires to make them happy for that moment. To me that not only becomes confusing to the submissive, but also is dishonest in that they are portraying an image they hope will please everyone, by necessity changing the illusion often to suit who is present or has priority, not honestly being open and taking responsibility.

I know it is not easy, but IMO, being a people pleaser anywhere in life is not being honest nor is it the easy road out of any situation. For example if you say to one person you like country music and hate rock because you know that is what they like, then next day tell another person you know with different taste you are a rock fiend and can't stand country, you are not being honest and honesty is a big part of the D/s relationship. There is no truer saying than you can't please all the people all the time, so be true to yourself. Saves a lot of pain, and a lot of embarrassment caused if you get caught in your lies.

There is also the popular psychological theory which says people pleasers are driven by self interest, a need to have their own needs met and gain control over others by using pleasing behaviour to manipulate others to feed their personal needs. That does not fit the usual submissive descriptor.

just tryin to understand...

You're welcome.

Catalina http://www.smilies4you.de/content/sonstige/c48.gif

 

[Mr Blonde]

I think most of this stuff would make sense if you just thought about it in the context of a relationship.

Yes, my submissive girlfriend can say "no" and refuse to do something. She is not a blowup doll. She has a mind of her own and can evaluate the safety or appeal of different situations. But as the relationship progresses, more trust is built and we become more familiar with each other. I know the stuff she definitely doesn't want to do, and thankfully that is stuff I have no interest in. But I occasionally push her to do stuff she is not sure about, and she goes ahead out of trust for me and confidence in the relationship. (That is a dumbed down way of "pushing boundaries".) So there is no force or threats implied, she willingly does these things in the context of service to me.

As for relishing consequences, there are some submissives who act "bratty" so they can receive the punishment they crave. This is the rabbit/tar baby thing. ("No, please master, don't spank me!") I am beginning to believe that the whole bratty sub thing is an online role-playing phenomenon. Unless acting silly and mutually joking around, I have never had a real girlfriend act this way. Instead, she begins to understand what she likes/dislikes and I come to learn her preferences. So pleasurable activities are mixed into our play and she receives satisfaction.

As for submissives being "people pleasers", I don't think characterizes most of the women I have known. They are submitting to me, not to just any ol' man, not to the world, not to anyone calling themselves a dom...but to me. Some people would think my current girlfriend is a bitch who instigates disharmony, so I don't think anyone would categorize her as a people pleaser.

As for your mom, keep in mind there is a difference between being a dominant and domineering behavior.

 

[graceanne]

Re: Re: is being a submissive

As for your mom, keep in mind there is a difference between being a dominant and domineering behavior.

i just wanted to take a moment to second this. Just cause someone's controlling doesn't make them a dom/me. It could just make the ocd or an asshole. My mom's like yours, and she's about as 'nilla as they come.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Re: Re: is being a submissive

Some people would think my current girlfriend is a bitch who instigates disharmony, so I don't think anyone would categorize her as a people pleaser.

http://www.smilies4you.de/content/schilder/you26.gif Oh, I think I like her already Mr. B.

Catalina

 

[graceanne]

not having the ability or internal character to want to say No i wont ______ (insert whatever command here)?
Are you afraid of the consequences or does one relish in them.. or does the idea of being a people pleaser provide the blueprint for this endeavor?

just tryin to understand...

i'm caught between both dominant and submissive.. i aim to please but i am selfish and i can be controlling. i grew up with a mom who basically told me everything from how i should speak to how i should open christmas presents...

Well, I'd say that i'm not a people pleaser, allthough I am careful about being polite and kind. But I do that for me, not for them. I don't really care what the average person I meet thinks of me. But at the end of the day, I have to look at myself in the mirror. I hold myself to a certain standard of behavior, and as far as I'm concerned theirs rarely an excuse for rudeness.

Beyond that, I am a Kenny pleaser. lol It makes me happy for him to be happy. So in a way it's selfish. lol

Also, I know I joke about it, but I do not like to be punished. I do like pleasure spankings, but punishment spanking are not fun. I know that a lot of us subs joke about it, and I know that most of them would agree with me. It's just all in fun, none of us like to be punished. For me it's more than the pain, but that I did something to disappoint him to the point that he felt it was necessary to spank me. To tell the truth, that's worse than the spanking. Because of that it's rare the he needs to punish me.

 

[dolf]

i delight in causing mischief....i've never been afraid to express my {very strong} opinions...i dislike upsetting or offending people but i'm not a people pleaser...i tend to express "no" with an elbow to the gut when i come across "won't take no" men...very few men inspire feelings of submission in me...

i sub because it feel like home.
xx

 

[TigerClaw]

......

 

[chagrin]

Many, if not all, people in my world would be very suprised to learn that I'm submissive. I'm strong willed, independent, and assertive.

But I submit to one person in my life and that is my Dominant (when I have one!), not the world in general.

That said, I have a nurturing instinct (but then, many 'nillas do as well!) and I love to look after my friends, but submit to all and sundry?

Nope, uh uh.

 

[ownedsubgal]

i think that there are people-pleasers who are not submissive, and people-pleasers who are. i fall into the latter category. i have always hated for those around me to be upset or unhappy. loved ones, acquaintances, classmates, people i have to interact with on a regular basis. so rather than risk someone being upset, i would bend over backwards to please everyone. but it is true that you cannot please everyone all the time...still, that little pesky people-pleaser in me would try her darndest.

as a slave, my life is structured and controlled to an extent that pleasing the world at large is not a possibility. and my focus has become singular...on him and his needs, desires and fantasies. so while i still feel that old pang when i do come across another who i think i could please in some way....i have learned to push it aside and refocus on what/who is important. but, i am very grateful that i do not have to be out and about in the world on my own everyday like some....if i had to go to and from work (separate from my Master) everyday, for example...i know i would not be strong enough to resist pleasing others in ways that would likely get me into a big ol' heap of trouble.

 

[robynwildchild]

The trick is knowing how to say it in a very polite way so I don't piss off my bosses at work lol. [/B][/QUOTE]

ha i am the boss.
but i can still manage to piss off my coworkers!

suck a trickey thing is right

 

[robynwildchild]

thank you

For example if you say to one person you like country music and hate rock because you know that is what they like, then next day tell another person you know with different taste you are a rock fiend and can't stand country, you are not being honest and honesty is a big part of the D/s relationship. There is no truer saying than you can't please all the people all the time, so be true to yourself.

i definatly agree with everything that you saying.. putting it in the context i need to see it, with the honesty and intergrity that you are supposed to hahve for the person your being submissive to... rather than a sacrifice to someone you hate.. cuz i think of it in those terms in a way.. but i guess it never has to be that way.. thanks for your point of view!
and as far as people pleasing .. those people to what i believe are afraid to be forward with what they want..for whatever reason.. they become subversive and underhanding and yes.. dishonest.
very true.

i can't stand a people pleaser they make me ill.

 

[robynwildchild]

yea i hear that

when you hold someone's opinion in favor and then disappoint them because your standards are most likely in agreement with thier standards.. then yes that can be very hurtful to the point where the punishment (physical/mental) isn't really needed in addition cuz you feel a certain shame or embarrassement to begin with... but reinforcement helps one remember the lesson learned..

 

[robynwildchild]

u sound like me

i usually only will submit to one person.. not necessarily my dom but i guess that would be the role that they play.. but the reason i submit or agree to them is because i have some deep founded respect for them.

that being said if i don't respect a person
then i will have no inclination to bow down or even pay attention to that persons words or thoughts or coversation

 

[robynwildchild]

ha

i'm always attracted to trouble like you!
i love the brashness of refusing a person when you know what they want of you and just become spiteful .. lol or saying something in a way that they'll react.. or nurture ... its a daily routine

 

[robynwildchild]

mmmmm

mmmm...

your whole response has in in ponderment... thank you so very much.

its amazing how much sex plays a huge role in the undercurrents of the inner psyche.

your clairity is much welcomed.

 

[sigsauerprinces]

not having the ability or internal character to want to say No i wont ______ (insert whatever command here)?
Are you afraid of the consequences or does one relish in them.. or does the idea of being a people pleaser provide the blueprint for this endeavor?

just tryin to understand...

i'm caught between both dominant and submissive.. i aim to please but i am selfish and i can be controlling. i grew up with a mom who basically told me everything from how i should speak to how i should open christmas presents...

i dont think so..not for me anyways. i hate being told what to do and i have a problem with authority. if someone tells me to do something and i dont want to do it i have NO problem telling them "no, i dont want to do that and i'm not going to". where it's different is with my Owner. he's the only one i want to and do submit to.