Is B and D just a sex thing, or is it a relationship thing too?

[human_male]

Hello there. I'm not in the scene, although I'm curious, and I do have fantasies that lean that way. Sometimes I have fantasies of being dominated in sex, but would bristle at the idea of anyone pushing me around in a relationship or day to day life. So I was just wondering if people are subs in all aspects of their relationships, or is it just in the bedroom? Do people even have bf/gf relationships or is it commonly just a sex thing? And if it is do you have "normal" relationships with other people?

Just curious,

Thanks.

That title's wrong. I meant Dom/Sub not Bondage and Discipline.

 

[lil_slave_rose]

Hello there. I'm not in the scene, although I'm curious, and I do have fantasies that lean that way. Sometimes I have fantasies of being dominated in sex, but would bristle at the idea of anyone pushing me around in a relationship or day to day life. So I was just wondering if people are subs in all aspects of their relationships, or is it just in the bedroom? Do people even have bf/gf relationships or is it commonly just a sex thing? And if it is do you have "normal" relationships with other people?

Just curious,

Thanks.

first of all let me say welcome to the forum. secondly, i may not be the right one to give advice on this, but i'm gonna give my best shot. there is NO right way to live this lifestyle. some are in loving relationships, others are only in it for the 'kink'. B&D as you put it refers more to just the kink ..where as Ds (Dom/sub) or Ms (Master/slave)usually refers more to the relationship and day to day life. Pretty much you will find that in this lifestyle, you're gonna find people who range from a slap and tickle in the bedroom, all the way to drawn out intricate Bondage and torture scenes. so in answer to your question, no you do not have to live a 24/7 M/s or D/s life, you CAN,and many are, be in it just for the 'kink' i hope this answerd some of your questions..feel free to ask more if i've not clarified enough or if you are curious *smiles*

 

[ammre]

what you're talking about is totally normal. You want the kink but you're not necissarally intrested in the full out lifestyle. I won't even let my boss tell me what to do most of the time (i know more about my job then she does), but in the bedroom, yay being submissive, spank me, push me down rough me up, it's good...
Pretty much what lil slave rose said, it's what works for you and for the partner you have. You influence the lable that's used to describe you. The lable shouldn't define you.

 

[MasterPhoenix]

I would like to piggyback on what My little slave posted by adding that even within the labels you will find that the styles that a Dominant submissive relationship plays out are as varied as the practicioners. For example her and I are definately a 24-7 Master slave relationship. But our relationship is also very warm and loving in that we are lovers as well as Master and slave. that also gives her freedom to play and be a bit of a brat sometimes even though she knows that whenever necessary I can snap her back into line. (also she knows her boundaries and stays within them, with VERY few exceptions.) You will find others whose relationships are purely service oriented.

Basically as My love so eloquently put D/s is about the relationship, and there is no wrong way to practice it unless its not what works for you.

Good luck on finding you & your partner's place in this lifestyle. It is a wonderous lifelong journey.

 

[subtleone]

We have what is loosely called a 24/7 D/s relationship, except prior to embarking on that part of our relationship he agreed that he would not ever ask me to do anything that would affect my standing in the community or in our children's eyes. Therefore during 'daylight hours' it is pretty much nothing to do with sex at all; but more his 'ownership' of me. ie: "you will make a hair appt and you will have it styled this way" or "I will be home at 6.45 you will be waiting for me with my dinner and a drink ready" mundane things on the surface but all still part of the D/s dynamic.

 

[myinnerslut]

Do people even have bf/gf relationships or is it commonly just a sex thing?

Sir and i were going out for over six months before i brought up the topic of my kinky-er side. we started as bf/gf and still are.. we are now also Dom/sub. i am submissive, never had a doubt about it, and found a way for that to work with my relationship, not against it. that and Sir can be amazingly sadistic and fun sometimes

 

[submissiveknight]

Hello there. I'm not in the scene, although I'm curious, and I do have fantasies that lean that way. Sometimes I have fantasies of being dominated in sex, but would bristle at the idea of anyone pushing me around in a relationship or day to day life. So I was just wondering if people are subs in all aspects of their relationships, or is it just in the bedroom? Do people even have bf/gf relationships or is it commonly just a sex thing? And if it is do you have "normal" relationships with other people? .

I'm a sub in all aspects of my relationship. Although to answer your question I hope, We were always kinky in the bedroom well before I asked my Princess to become my Mistress! As a matter of fact HER progressive control in Our sex life is what led to HER total domination of me. I really wouldn't call it pushing around in day to day life by all means, it's quite the contary, I thrive on the fact that I can have the pleasure to serve my Mistress. I would lead to believe that the pushing around comes more in the bedroom with Her pushing my limits. As far as normal relations with other people, Our friends haven't a clue as to Our lifestyle, they just probally think that I'm (pussywhipped) and that SHE is real controlling.

 

[Evil_Geoff]

... So I was just wondering if people are subs in all aspects of their relationships, or is it just in the bedroom? Do people even have bf/gf relationships or is it commonly just a sex thing? And if it is do you have "normal" relationships with other people? ...

Every answer you get on this will be as different as the people responding, as each relationship is different.

I'm a sadist, I enjoy inflicting pain. Tears are divine, screams and moans are music. Blood is magic...

And yet I can't be doing that 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. We have to sleep, we have to eat, we have jobs, family, friends, an entire world that we must interact with. Just because I'm not torturing someone while I'm at work, or at the grocery store or the Mexican restaurant I love to frequent, doesn't mean I'm not a sadist 24/7.

Anymore than not having my slave stay naked in the house 24/7 means we don't have a 24/7 M/s _relationship_. She has a job, she does chores out in the real world, she has a family as much as I do, she has friends that are not involved in this lifestyle. We don't even try to pretend that she can be shackled and naked and tortured and fucked all day and all night every day. But no matter where she is, no matter who she is with, no matter what she is doing, she knows she is Mine, heart, body and soul. My slave, my lover, my friend, my girl. At all times and in all ways.

We're real people. With real lives. We do the things necessary to maintain our home, to interact with our families and society, to enjoy ourselves and to meet our needs and desires, even the *gasp!* non-kinky ones. Yes, there are "service only" relationships with no love or sex involved (think Upstairs, Downstairs if you need a TV example of a maid/butler and Employer relationship), there are "bedroom only" relationships were it's all about you and your partner(s) getting your rocks off and once the fucking is done you have a very egalitarian relationship. There are those that blend the two styles and still others as yet undiscussed in this thread.

What's "normal" for _my_ relationships may seem very strange for others. What some other person considers "normal" I may find terribly bizarre. We make of our lives and relationships what we will to meet our needs and desires and the needs and desires of our partner(s). Communicate with one another, and choose the path that works for you. If you do that, well then, you are being true to yourself and that's usually a good thing.

 

[neonflux]

Hello there. I'm not in the scene, although I'm curious, and I do have fantasies that lean that way. Sometimes I have fantasies of being dominated in sex, but would bristle at the idea of anyone pushing me around in a relationship or day to day life. So I was just wondering if people are subs in all aspects of their relationships, or is it just in the bedroom? Do people even have bf/gf relationships or is it commonly just a sex thing? And if it is do you have "normal" relationships with other people?

Just curious,

Thanks.

That title's wrong. I meant Dom/Sub not Bondage and Discipline.

I don't believe that I could live in a 24/7 relationship, although I recently met someone who switched with hir partner every month between being submissive and Dominant. I think that a lot of people do relegate the D/s portions of their lives to the bedroom. That said, in my limited (and it's pretty limited) experience, just the nature of BDSM, regardless of what portion or how one practices it, enhances intimacy.

 

[Netzach]

I am generally a pants-wearing straightforward kind of gal with the boys. (and I like to Top in SM stuff) I married a guy who is generally agreeable and a pleaser when it comes to the ladies. (and likes to bottom in SM stuff -- don't fuck with him at work though) Not everything boils down to rules, most of it boils down to just reacting to one another the way we react to one another. I chose deliberately and he chose deliberately knowing that we wouldn't clash in the bedroom or outside it...too much.

 

[MasterSnatch]

For many people especially those here I would assume it is not just a kink nor a simple habit that we use to get off sexually but a way of life. It is part of who we are at our very core and we enjoy being able to fully be as such every moment possible. Now does this bold true for everyone? Of course not. A lot of people merely get off on the idea of being either dominated or the one doing the domination. Others enjoy various practices that is associated with the life style. You will find those that live it twenty four seven and those that take part of it to spice up things in bed.

It all depends on the person and what they want, what they crave and desire. If you find the right person and forge a bond of trust and faith than you can dive deeper into the fantasies you have or start to truely be who you are.

Those of us here are able to able to talk to like minded people and read their thoughts on different matters along with their beliefs. With so much of this being taboo world over being able to converse with so many similar people can be a great experience in learning new practices or even learning who you really are as some can testify.

 

[the captians wench]

I'm very much a subbie. I would prefur to live my life as a sub 24/7 if I could. Unfortunitly there isn't as much money involved in being the low man on the totom pole as there is moving up the ladder, so I'm fighting my way to the top in my job. But being the boss really isn''t me, and it stresses me out to no end. In all of my relationships I've wanted to be the suport rather than the leader, and that was before I knew about this bdsm world. I had to be the one in charge in my marrage which is a big reason why it didn't work, and as much as I hate to admit it, I'm probably not the best manager in the world because I'd rather be taking direction than giving them. I can be incharge when I have to be, but I'd much prefur not to be. I love to serve, that's just who I am and that doesn't change any time of the day.

 

[Netzach]

I'm very much a subbie. I would prefur to live my life as a sub 24/7 if I could. Unfortunitly there isn't as much money involved in being the low man on the totom pole as there is moving up the ladder, so I'm fighting my way to the top in my job.

Small rant - this is a really suckass thing about this society. Some people are better at getting groups of people to be nice to one another, some people are better at going off and coming up with ideas, some people are better at fixing things - and whatever you are good at, most of the time to be "rewarded" the answer is to put you in charge of people.

I also find being in charge of people professionally a nightmare. I hate taking orders and I *hate* giving them more. (anyone kinda surprised?) My career goal has always been to be *left alone*.

What you wind up with are ill-suited and unhappy people in management making managees lives ickier.

OK rant off. There should be other reasons to value someone other than giving orders and social aggressiveness in the workplace.

 

[lil_slave_rose]

I'm very much a subbie. I would prefur to live my life as a sub 24/7 if I could. Unfortunitly there isn't as much money involved in being the low man on the totom pole as there is moving up the ladder, so I'm fighting my way to the top in my job. But being the boss really isn''t me, and it stresses me out to no end. In all of my relationships I've wanted to be the suport rather than the leader, and that was before I knew about this bdsm world. I had to be the one in charge in my marrage which is a big reason why it didn't work, and as much as I hate to admit it, I'm probably not the best manager in the world because I'd rather be taking direction than giving them. I can be incharge when I have to be, but I'd much prefur not to be. I love to serve, that's just who I am and that doesn't change any time of the day.

i don't think that because we submissives take on a more 'Dominant' role in the work place that it means we are any less submissive. i think it's a fact of life, a sucky one. like i said at my job i do tend to take on a more 'leader' type role, as i have seniority and often times have to give 'orders' or direct people what to do, it's very stressful and emotionally draining because that is not the role i want to be in, i too would like to be the one taking orders not giving them but unfortantely that's not the case and that's why i'm glad at the end of the day, i know that Master will be waiting and i don't have to worry about the 'control' anymore. i don't like making decisions, any at all, i'm not good at it and alot of times if i am made to make them i make the wrong ones, so in my personal life, Master makes those decisions and i'm very glad for that

 

[human_male]

Ta very much. It's all very interesting.

 

[Netzach]

your av.

Heheheh.

That was a good south park.

 

[Bandit58]

Ours is a relationship, with D/s overtones In the bedroom He is Dom I am sub. At home, I am His carer which is also a form of service - I make sure He takes His meds, eats when He needs to, and generally try my best to make His life easier.

He recently asked if I would like more D/s outside of the bedroom. It has gradually evolved over 3 years from mainly bedroom only to me serving in kind of a 50s housewife sort of way He has noticed that I enjoy Him being more Domly, but I don't want it to take away from the fun and love we both share.....I guess we will both be feeling our way through this one

 

[MasterPhoenix]

Ours is a relationship, with D/s overtones In the bedroom He is Dom I am sub. At home, I am His carer which is also a form of service - I make sure He takes His meds, eats when He needs to, and generally try my best to make His life easier.

He recently asked if I would like more D/s outside of the bedroom. It has gradually evolved over 3 years from mainly bedroom only to me serving in kind of a 50s housewife sort of way He has noticed that I enjoy Him being more Domly, but I don't want it to take away from the fun and love we both share.....I guess we will both be feeling our way through this one

Myself and My rose are a Master and slave relationship, but we also have a VErY deep bond of love. Though our mutual trust of one anohter have intertwined being overs and being Master slave.

Best of luck to you... and just trust your hearts.

 

[Blaanid]

I am married IRL, we are D/s 24/7. Its not really hard to do, you just have to have the want for it. There is still love there, I find its different but stronger as well.

As an example...

Most couples plan together and decide together if they decide to have a child. My husband just came out and told me that I would bare him a child, made me stop taking birth control and all of that jazz. I am now 8 weeks pregnant and the way he told me instead of asking me just made me love him that much more. Its not "kink" between us. I don't call him "Master" 24/7 or in public, I am to address him by his first name in public and in the company of friends and family. Its just a surrender of your heart, soul and body to your Master/Love/Husband/Dom...whatever you want to call Him.

 

[human_male]

It's a whole new world. Some of your responses remind me of the movie The Secretary. That part where she's typed up a letter for the boss, and he admonishes her for her typos, circling them in red. Then she takes it to the ladies room and masturbates to it. Would a lot of you understand that?

Then not quite as out there, how she phones him at dinner time, tells him what they're having and he tells her what she's allowed to eat. This all drives her nuts.

Is that kind of thing what people actually get up to? And is it mostly women that are subs to men? Why is that?

 

[A Desert Rose]

Ours is a relationship, with D/s overtones In the bedroom He is Dom I am sub. At home, I am His carer which is also a form of service - I make sure He takes His meds, eats when He needs to, and generally try my best to make His life easier.

He recently asked if I would like more D/s outside of the bedroom. It has gradually evolved over 3 years from mainly bedroom only to me serving in kind of a 50s housewife sort of way He has noticed that I enjoy Him being more Domly, but I don't want it to take away from the fun and love we both share.....I guess we will both be feeling our way through this one

I cannot picture you as a '50's housewife kinda gal, Bandit. LOL Although, I know how much you do for your Master and how much you care for each other, it's just not the picture of you that I have in my mind. ;-) You're just not a June Cleaver... LOL.

 

[Bandit58]

I cannot picture you as a '50's housewife kinda gal, Bandit. LOL Although, I know how much you do for your Master and how much you care for each other, it's just not the picture of you that I have in my mind. ;-) You're just not a June Cleaver... LOL.

LOL I guess I picked the wrong analogy there

He would also say I am too cheeky to be a "real" sub When I'm jokingly told to do something that is well nigh impossible, He will say "A real sub would." Gee I really would like to meet a "real" or "true" sub, just to see how I'm falling down on the job.....

 

[A Desert Rose]

LOL I guess I picked the wrong analogy there

He would also say I am too cheeky to be a "real" sub When I'm jokingly told to do something that is well nigh impossible, He will say "A real sub would." Gee I really would like to meet a "real" or "true" sub, just to see how I'm falling down on the job.....

No matter what, you've always been on my "sincerely authentic" list... for whatever that's worth. ;-)

 

[Bandit58]

It's a whole new world. Some of your responses remind me of the movie The Secretary. That part where she's typed up a letter for the boss, and he admonishes her for her typos, circling them in red. Then she takes it to the ladies room and masturbates to it. Would a lot of you understand that?

Then not quite as out there, how she phones him at dinner time, tells him what they're having and he tells her what she's allowed to eat. This all drives her nuts.

Is that kind of thing what people actually get up to? And is it mostly women that are subs to men? Why is that?

The bolded part of your post is micro managing, where the Dom tells the submissive what she can eat, what to wear, do etc every minute of the day. Now that would drive me nuts too I'm a big girl, I can decide these things for myself. Now if we're going somewhere special Master Gil will indicate a preference for me to wear a certain outfit, but most of the time I wear what I like.

 

[Netzach]

It's a whole new world. Some of your responses remind me of the movie The Secretary. That part where she's typed up a letter for the boss, and he admonishes her for her typos, circling them in red. Then she takes it to the ladies room and masturbates to it. Would a lot of you understand that?

Then not quite as out there, how she phones him at dinner time, tells him what they're having and he tells her what she's allowed to eat. This all drives her nuts.

Is that kind of thing what people actually get up to? And is it mostly women that are subs to men? Why is that?

I think that the fact that she masturbates to it is a really nice cinematic shortcut to explain that it arouses her, it fulfills her, it gratifies her. I don't think that just having corrections or orders sends most subs off to the public restroom to indulge, but I do think that the movie was better off using this to explain this instead of some awful expository thing where Lee tells us how fulfilled and hot and happy she is and gushes. But the fact is if my husband gets pulled up short in a certain tone of voice, it does turn him on, if he gets told something firmly and given "that look" it does have great effect and later on has a centering, calming, quality for him.

It's mostly women that are subs to men if you go online or go into a lifestyle BDSM meeting. It's a HUGE subset of the BDSM world that consists of men with submissive or bottom/masochistic desires often having to enlist the services of professional Dominatrices, some of who actually are lifestyle Dominants and some of whom are not. Why this is could be the subject of a lot of sociological studies, but the numbers don't run quite *as* uneven as they do on Lit BDSM board.