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Iron Hymen:Abstinence Only for Girls

naughtycakes

naughtycakes

Huanctabulous!
Joined
Nov 22, 2007
Posts
16,467
Iron Hymen: Abstinence Only for Girls

Ha! Funny Shit! I heard on the radio this morning about a site that spoofs the White House's abstinance-only program. Fucking Hilarious!

For girls: ironhymen.com

I'm taking the pledge... you can, too :D

I, naughtycakes , hereby pledge:

1. To never let grubby boys touch me – unless it's just fun innocent stuff like tripping me and pulling my hair. (But only the hair on my head!)

2. To never wear trampy stuff like shorts or t-shirts or open-toed shoes, which basically tell horny perverts that I'm a major tramp who's just asking for it.

3. To never do rough stuff like ride horsies or bikes with hard seats, which could break my vagina's freshness seal and make me totally unlovable.

4. To never let tampons violate the sanctity of my hoo-hoo, because tampons are really nothing more than thirsty little albino penises.

5. To never have premarital sex, because Jesus doesn't want anyone messing around inside my girly hole until after His church makes some money off a wedding.


I understand that abstaining from sex protects me from:

Forcing my wonderful parents to use "tough love" and kick me out of the house for embarrassing them by being such a little whore.

Having adoption-hungry homosexuals circle my pregnant belly like vultures, hell-bent on corrupting my unwanted bastard child with their sicko "love."
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Even funnier! Hahahahah...

For boys: sexisforfags.com

Take the pledge!

I, [YOUR NAME], hereby pledge:

1. To stay massively cool by not having sex. Because only major losers have sex – which everyone knows is only for fags.

2. To never let any slutty girls peer pressure me into touching their vaginas – because vaginas are totally gay.

3. To ignore my raging hormones and burning drive to fondle, suckle, and thrust furiously into a hot gooey pit of creamy-soft fleshy ecstasy.

4. To keep my groinal giblets inside my GAP khakis, and to punch those sweaty bits into submission whenever they percolate with desire.

5. To never spill my sacred "dude milk" – unless it is inside of some hot babe who already married me and took my last name.

I understand that abstaining from sex protects me from:

The regret and guilt caused by the disgusting, squishy act of stupid sex, which is basically like going to the toilet from the front side.

Making retard babies out of wedlock, then having to blow my whole allowance on diapers and a stroller instead of XBox games and Snickers.

Catching a brain-rotting STD like "Finger Herpes" from "feeling up" any nasty dirty girlie holes.
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Bert Notorius said:
Just say no didn't work so good either.
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Yeah, I don't know why people think that scaring kids works better than providing them with the tools to make informed decisions.

renard_ruse said:
This is "funny" but holocaust humor is bad. Repeat 50 times.
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Umm, where does the Holocaust figure into this? Oh yeah, I forgot about the Zionist conspiracy creating parody White House web sites :rolleyes:
 
The Greek said:
I guess I am the one getting screwed now :mad:
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Well, thanks to Laura Bush, I know better than to trust boys. And I quote from 10 Things Every Girl Should Know About Boys and Their Privates:

Unlike your girly privates, which are internal, boy privates are external. God knew that nobody wanted to see all our lady mess, so He pushed everything up inside you. What in tarnation He was thinking when he came up with that nasty, dangling, squishy flesh on boys beats the heck out of me, but I suspect it was so it would be easier for Him to keep an eye on what they're up to. Because trust me: that grotesque grab bag of horror and disappointment is always up to something, gals.
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The Greek said:
What about humanzees? Our primate intentions are so obvious that they don't require any trust ;)
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I think Muffy P said it best in her Iron Hymen testimonia:

Muffy P.: "OHMIGOD, like, Iron Hymen taught me to respect myself way too much to ever let some hairy creep hock man-lugies on my Godly cervix like it's some gross subway platform!"
 
naughtycakes said:
I think Muffy P said it best in her Iron Hymen testimonia:

Muffy P.: "OHMIGOD, like, Iron Hymen taught me to respect myself way too much to ever let some hairy creep hock man-lugies on my Godly cervix like it's some gross subway platform!"
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You know, I am not feeling the love...literally:(
 
The Greek said:
You know, I am not feeling the love...literally:(
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Haha, don't worry. As a matter of fact, start praying that I really take the pledge, because that'll be the fastest way to get me to put out :D

Abstinence-only education never works. I mean, anybody can be a born-again virgin in between sexual partners.
 
andystx said:
That's unreal. I'm glad they didn't have any shit like this when I was a kid.
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Haha, well it's obviously a spoof, but the White House's abstinance-only stance isn't. That's just scary.

Sorry I haven't responded to your arguments about XOM and the Bush/Cheney energy policy, I'm getting there. It's all coming together but I gotta do a little research and see if my thoughts pan out.

This is pretty funny, too, though I prefer to refer to it as my slut cave :

Sue-Jane R.: "Watch out, boys! Because thanks to Iron Hymen, my baby cave is better guarded than a maximum security prison – even one ringed with electrified razorwire and a crocodile-infested moat!"
 
naughtycakes said:
Haha, well it's obviously a spoof, but the White House's abstinance-only stance isn't. That's just scary.

Sorry I haven't responded to your arguments about XOM and the Bush/Cheney energy policy, I'm getting there. It's all coming together but I gotta do a little research and see if my thoughts pan out.

This is pretty funny, too, though I prefer to refer to it as my slut cave :

Sue-Jane R.: "Watch out, boys! Because thanks to Iron Hymen, my baby cave is better guarded than a maximum security prison – even one ringed with electrified razorwire and a crocodile-infested moat!"
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lol.

I was having a conversation about it the other night with the guy who owns most of the grocery stores here. He summed it up pretty succinctly I think. In the oil business the government is like a silent partner who puts up none of the capital, takes on none of the risk and takes 80% of the profit.

I look forward to your response.
 
andystx said:
lol.

I was having a conversation about it the other night with the guy who owns most of the grocery stores here. He summed it up pretty succinctly I think. In the oil business the government is like a silent partner who puts up none of the capital, takes on none of the risk and takes 80% of the profit.

I look forward to your response.
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Ha! I've got all kinds of shit you won't see coming. I've been talking about it with tons of people, so you're screwwwwwed :D
 
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