Introduction/seeking reader feedback

[crimsonhammer420]

Evening, and well met, everyone.
Just wanted to say I have honestly been taken aback by the sheer number of views my piece, The Snowboarding Trip, has gotten and the counter still ticks every day.
It is wild to think that it's at nearly 2000 reads now. But I am very grateful.
The two pieces I have published, and the few more coming down the pipeline have all been written quite a while ago (Unforeseen Happenings over 15 years ago), but I found interesting to revisit them many years later having gained more skills as a writer. I decided to take the plunge to publish after being encouraged to do so by the other party involved in my stories.
Developing my writing skills has been a journey and I have much much more to learn, and it's why I would be very much interested in reader feedback.
My two pieces are The Convenience Store, The Snowboarding Trip, and hopefully soon enough, Unforseen Happenings.

 

[StillStunned]

Do you have a link to your stories?

 

[crimsonhammer420]

Oops, I forgot
https://literotica.com/s/the-snowboarding-trip
https://other.literotica.com/s/the-convenience-store
Unforeseen Happenings to come as soon as it gets published

 

[StillStunned]

Not bad. Speaking as a professional editor, though, I suggest you proofread a little more closely.

Whenever I'm working on a text, whether professionally or here, my final step is Read Aloud in Word. It might seem like a drag, but if you listen and watch every single word in your text being highlighted one by one, you'll catch almost every single typo.

As an added bonus, you'll notice if you've repeated words or phrases too closely together. You'll see where sentences don't flow properly as well.

 

[TheRedChamber]

Congratulations on publishing your first few stories, even if some of them have been hanging around for over a decade.

These are short, strokey pieces and there's nothing wrong with that. My inclination is for longer pieces and possibly some of the advice/comments below might being push you too much in that direction if you don't want to got there. For what it's worth though...
1) You use the ... punctuation way to much (IMHO) and not always appropriately. In the vast majority of cases a comma (if even that) will do the job just as well.
2) StillStunned is right that you occassionally have similar phrases and words close together - Vero 'lets out a little squeel of pleasure', 'lets out a loud scream of pure ecstasy', and 'lets out a shivering moan of pleasure' all within three paragraphs. Reading the stories back-to-back there's also repetition - Vero gets filled with your warm seed exactly the same way twice.
3) One story has no dialogue at all in it and one has a single line of dialogue. The problem for me is that the relationship between Vero and the narrator isn't very clearly defined. He likes her and she makes a move, but there's no indication of her personality or interplay/buildup between them. She just pounces - even in a stroker I need a little bit more.
4) The sex is fine, good even, but there's not a lot of distinguish it from any of the other sex scenes on Lit. The stories take place in a Convenience Store and a Snowboarding Trip, but once the action begins there's no real indication of where things are taking place or how this makes the sex different, inconvenient or speical. Vero is hot and multi-orgasmic, but again, isn't hugely differented from any other Literotica lady doing the nasty. As a result, while the basic sex writing might get the job done for some readers, I get to the end and think - 'well the guy got his end away, good for him' but wonder overall what the point was.

Sorry, if this seems harsh. What I'm trying to saying is that there's a solid foundation to build on, but I think at around 1k words eacha, your trying to get through the story to fast and maybe relax and actually build a scene before the action starts.

 

[crimsonhammer420]

The upcoming Unforeseen Happenings is my longest piece yet at 2k+ words and I did put more of an emphasis on dialogue and setting the scene.
Originally, those works were just destined as a quick read for the intended party, but writing a bit more professionnally so to speak does set a higher standard.
Thank you both for the feedback, I appreciate it. And no need to apologize -- I asked for feedback in order to hone and refine my craft, and both of you have brought up solid points, that I'll work on for sure!

 

[Usually_Lurking]

Disclaimer: All of my feedback is subjective to my experience and enjoyment of the stories on Literotica. These are not universal truths (though I would dare to propose that they may be fairly reliable trends in the readership). I also provide the following feedback with all of the respect and admiration in the world. It is hard to write and there are much easier hobbies to have. I salute your determination to produce and publish these works, and any works.

These stories feel too short for their premises. You can feel how choppy it is in the introduction to The Snowboarding Trip, where we can see that almost the entire context, a significant proportion of the cast, and even the introduction of the main characters have been skipped for brevity. "Clearly Canadian" and "the Whistler" are introduced as legendary, but I have absolutely no idea what these things are. The narrator had to pick 8 people to accompany them, but none of these people are introduced or ever mentioned again. The task of choosing them is described as an "existential process", but we sure don't hear anything about it. The entire setup is less than 200 words, which just doesn't allow me to understand or be invested in what is happening or who it is happening to.

Potential Recommendation A - work with a shorter premise. Embrace the stroker format and just kick us off at the action. "A Quickie in the Supply Closet", "A Visit in the Snow Lodge", "Taking a Break at Work". Introduce the minimal characterization during the sex, or a brief interruption in the sex, and then wrap it up.

Potential Recommendation B - slow down and create more buildup. Let us get to know these people. Show us their usual life, and then show us how the events of the story break that routine. Show us their interactions and let us feel the building tension before it pays off. If you want to work in a story format, there has to be a story arc. We have to feel some amount of tension before the payoff can mean anything.

Recommendation C - Drag the environment into the sex. What makes it unique to have sex in a ski lodge or a convenience store? I don't know, but you'd better show me. Porn is not deep, but even those sets have some character. It gives you a sense of place. This is more important in an erotic story, not less. The words don't have any weight if they don't connect to an experience that interests the reader's mind. Have them flirt or make out on the chair lift. Show us how they have frantic sex right as they get back, trying to peel off the cold, wet, cumbersome snow gear to get to each others' burning bodies beneath. Have them open the window and fuck in the frigid breeze of the snowy night. Let the warm fuzzies of warming back up multiply in intensity as they warm up together. Have them take a hot chocolate break. Involve all the senses, and find ways to shake up the repetitive experience of sex using the circumstances they find themselves in.

 

[yukonnights]

I agree with what others have said. FYI; One Literotica screen page is approximately / 20KB of plain-text. A general rule of thumb is that one Lit screen page is approximately 3750 words. In general, your stories are quite short.

In my experience, longer stories get a much better reception and garner higher ratings than the short one page ones do. As a matter of fact, I don't participate in the 750 Word event because many readers seem to not like such a short story.

Hope this is of some help as you continue to hone your skills ~

 

[crimsonhammer420]

It has been indeed -- thank you all for the valuable feedback.
Atmosphere and setting the mood is such a basic yet major oversight from my part, and in hindsight yeah I probably had been rushing those works a bit too much. I see that now, and Unforeseen Happenings should fix at least a few of those of my writing flaws.

 

[ElectricBlue]

One can feel the enthusiasm, that's for sure, but as the others have said, for God's sake, slow down. It's no wonder you need the energy shots, because these stories are over as soon as they've begun.

I read A Snowboarding Trip, but a title and a quick introduction don't set a scene - I completely missed out on the snow.

You might want a little more finesse in your story telling. We get it, you banged Vero just as hard and as fast as you could (hence your Lit name, I guess), but the poor girl must be sore! There's far too much repetition, and it's not very inventive.

You've collected a bunch of porn tropes into one place, but you don't have much of a story. You've got cardboard cutout characters, but they've got no personality.

The mission of a writer is to convince their readers that "this really happened". I'm not at all convinced, which is a shame, because I like Canadians .

 

[BgDaddy33]

Whenever I'm working on a text, whether professionally or here, my final step is Read Aloud in Word. It might seem like a drag, but if you listen and watch every single word in your text being highlighted one by one, you'll catch almost every single typo.

As an added bonus, you'll notice if you've repeated words or phrases too closely together. You'll see where sentences don't flow properly as well.

That is a great tip!

 

[crimsonhammer420]

One can feel the enthusiasm, that's for sure, but as the others have said, for God's sake, slow down. It's no wonder you need the energy shots, because these stories are over as soon as they've begun.

I read A Snowboarding Trip, but a title and a quick introduction don't set a scene - I completely missed out on the snow.

You might want a little more finesse in your story telling. We get it, you banged Vero just as hard and as fast as you could (hence your Lit name, I guess), but the poor girl must be sore! There's far too much repetition, and it's not very inventive.

You've collected a bunch of porn tropes into one place, but you don't have much of a story. You've got cardboard cutout characters, but they've got no personality.

The mission of a writer is to convince their readers that "this really happened". I'm not at all convinced, which is a shame, because I like Canadians .

That is the best way I heard it put so far
And yeah, someone got the reference of my screen name! Awesome

 

[ElectricBlue]

That is the best way I heard it put so far
And yeah, someone got the reference of my screen name! Awesome

You might want to think through the implications of that, just sayin'.