Introducing friend to femdom

[Adder4321]

So I've recently been chatting with a female friend who I'll be meeting later this year. She and I have been flirting and we are pretty much friends with benefits at his point. I've recently told her that I'm a bit submissive and she said that she would like to try dominating me during sex. The only problem is that neither of us have had any experience with femdom and while I know a fair bit about it, I want to ease her into it. I know that some of the stuff that people associate with femdom can be confronting so I don't want to scare her off.

So basically, what kinds of things should we start with?

 

[Nezhul]

let her do her thing. Don't interfere with what she has in mind. Do not top from the bottom. Let her play, but if you see that she has exhausted her imagination for right now - take initiative and convert it into a normal vanilla sex. It's important to understand that kinky sex, especially at first, isn't supposed to always be kinky all the way through. Even if she did 1 thing for a few minutes - that's enough to start building rapport.

The main thing you really need to concentrate on is building her confidence in that femdom can be fun for both of you and that she can do it. She needs to enjoy it.
The second main thing is to let her develop as a dominant. You don't want to give her a list of ideas and do everything for her. You don't want to discuss "things" you could try in bed. You want to encourage her imagination and her own drive to try things and search for new ideas guide her. Don't handhold her into it. Don't try to "ease" her into it, as you say it - if you are easing her into something, they it's YOU who is in control, not her. She will never be a creative domme like that. She already said she wants to try dominating you - that's ENOUGH. Let her develop on ehr own from that point on.

It's OK to talk about stuff, share your interests and such, but if you really want a female domme - only share open statements:
"I like the idea of you sitting on my face"
"I always wanted to try have my orgasms denied."
"Do you like strap-on? I think it's hot."
Don't go like:
"I would like you to do this and that when we have sex"
But MOST of all, you should ask HER of what she wants, not telling her what you like. You need to encourage her to check all the dark corners of her mind for things that turn HER on, without being influenced by your ideas and ideals. Ask questions instead of proposing statements that she would agree or disagree with. Make her talk about it.

Then after the sex - talk. Listen to what she liked. Share what you liked, praise her even if it was a bit awkward. It takes a lot to dominate someone - it's not easy.
If there was something that you didn't like at all (not your ting) - talk about this, discuss and reach some consensus.

What you want is for this talk to be very positive. Even if she pretty much failed to do anything properly - commend her efforts, hold your critique to yourself (maybe mention one or two items that could be improved next time). If you didn't like the performance, commend the ideas behind it, without letting her know that she failed to execute them. She'll learn.
If you absolutely have to correct her - do so in a way such as "I loved what you did there, but it'd be cool if next time you changed a bit this and that".

Don't mention her lack of courage or control. Never say that something was awkward or off. It will be - it will ALWAYS be. Experienced dom with a new sub will always struggle the first few times, but it gets better over time once you know each other well. A newbie dom like her will be very awkward and insecure, most probably, but she will get over it in time. What you surely don't want is feed the doubt in any way.
You can even share this line of thought with her, if she accuses you of not being honest. Tell her that you don't criticize her because you already are pleasantly surprised at how well she's doing, and it's natural that she's not on the level of someone who's dominating for years, but then again you yourself are not on the level of an experienced submissive. (don't tell her this next part), but the sole fact that she's doing SOMETHING is already much more than many women are willing to do, and it's already impressing and praiseworthy, so don't be discouraged no matter what.

Starting practicing kink requires patience. Some people will go very easy, some people will go slow - but NO ONE starts with hardcore bondage scene and has it perfect.
That said, I strongly advice you to try one thing at a time. Don't do orgasm denial AND CBT, AND facesitting, AND bondage, AND power exchange, AND strap-on AND everything else all in your first session. I know you want to try things, but what you REALLY want is to have an easy-going sex that's not rushed and doesn't feel over-complicated. You don't want stress, and also you want to dedicate time for each of those things separately, so nothing gets overshadowed by something else.
Give that to her as an advice, but let her choose which one thing she wants to try.

There.
As you can see, my advice is not about things - because it's really up to you two. My advice is about the proper way of communicating and understanding the dynamic.

 

[Adder4321]

OK, I've taken your advice and she seems to be ok with everything. Honestly I'm wondering if she's had fantasies about this stuff before herself. She really seems to be taking it in her stride. She said that she wants to keep what she's going to do to me a secret until we meet, so now it's just a matter of waiting.

 

[Nezhul]

Honestly I'm wondering if she's had fantasies about this stuff before herself.

Don't worry about that too much. It may be true, even.
You know, I didn't know I was into BDSM until I was about 20. I never even thought it was a thing - like, it literally didn't cross my mind once. I've had a few random fantasies about women in prison setting, but I never really made a connection.
Then I saw one video. And it was a "Shit, that's IT!" moment.

So yea, sometimes we just don't think, don't know about some of the stuff. It doesn't mean we aren't truly into it.

She really seems to be taking it in her stride. She said that she wants to keep what she's going to do to me a secret until we meet, so now it's just a matter of waiting.

One last advise I'll give you is what healthy dynamic between a sub and a dom should ideally look like. There are variations, but here's how it goes:

A dom should always place Sub's interests above their own. Now, this doesn't mean being nice. It's complicated. Sometimes the sub hates pain, but enjoys being made to experience it for the Dom's amusement. In this case the dom should KNOW what exactly makes the Sub going.
But if the Sub hates pain, period - and derives no pleasure from it whatsoever, no satisfaction about being punished or pushed, no positive feelings at all - THAT's when the pain needs to be taken off the table, no matter what Dom's into.

The dom and sub need to talk. A lot. Talk before, talk after. Talk DURING sometimes.
A Dom needs to be responsible for the Sub enjoying the game. Because the Dom has power, it's up to them to make the game fun for BOTH, even if it's a retrospective fun like I described above. A Dom needs to listen to the sub, and if the Sub is not talkative - it's in Dom's interests to get them talking.

The Sub responsibility is sharing their feelings with the Dom openly. Pretty much the worst thing you can do is start bottling up your frustrations inside. You can stall giving the criticism somewhat, like I said in a previous post, but it's important that if you don't enjoy something - you tell this to your Dominant openly. You reach consensus. You adjust to each other.

A lot of times I see DS pairs make a classic mistake.
"I'm a dominant, so it's up to me to decide on everything that happens."
"I'm a submissive so it's not my place to ask for anything."
That's not true, especially for the new pairs and new subs and doms. You should always start slow, and stay considerate of each other's feelings. Allow each other to learn at your own pace and support each other. Maybe, if you are into it, someday you will arrive at this "totally controlled" state, but it's a mistake to attempt that right away.

I don't really like the "it's a secret" setting, but it's not really that bad. Personally, I believe that first sessions are better done on a script, where a Dom tells you "I'll do this and that." and you agree or discuss it. But it's a preference.
Either way, in any, even mild DS play - agree on a safeword. Agree on a signal that you can make in case you are gagged. Make sure that you aren't restrained in a way that you are unable to give that signal. Don't be afraid to use it.

Good luck!