Internet Love

[Huckleman2000]

Minsue and I met on line 3 years ago, here in the AH. We were no more than friends. Last summer we met in person for the first time at Lucky and Vella's commitment ceremony in Provincetown. It was zap, pow, wow for both of us. We began an on line courtship (lovely, old fashioned word), and it didn't take long -a couple of weeks - for the two of us to realise we'd fallen in love. We talked every day, twice a day, went back to P-town for a week together, where I asked her to marry me. She said yes, we bought rings, spent the week in bliss....returned reluctantly to our separate homes - her in Arizona, me in UK- and eventually in October, I gave up my job and flew out to Az to be with her. We have been together every day since, back and forth between the two countries, finally coming to the UK for good in August, and married here in UK in September - in front of Min's parents, my sons, Lucky & Vella, Becca, Scheh and a host of other friends.

Yes, love is possible on the internet - even our solicitor who drew up our wills had met his gf on the internet.

Lucky & Vella met here in the AH and fell in love. They now live together with their two families, in Texas.

I personally know a least two other gay couples,both inAmerica, who met through the internet - oneof them has been together for 19 years, the other have been together for 6 years, and got married this year also.

All things are possible, just keep an open mind, and love in your heart.

And as a footnote, I will add, that love of all kinds is available here. I have met some of my dearest and closest friends here in the AH, most of whom live on the other side of the world, but it matters not one jot where they are, because I know their hearts are with me, I know how much they care about me and for me, and I them.

Mats, I only knew of your relationship at sort of an arm's-length, pieced-together level. I knew it was deep, but I had no idea of the circumstances. Hearty and heartfelt congratulations, to the both of you!

Likewise to Lucky and Vella! I didn't realize that you met here in the AH - I assumed that you were just another pair of horny lesbian porn-writers who'd managed to work that into a life together. [in my defense, there seem to be more than just one or two couples here that seem to fit that description, and more who at least envy it, if not aspire to it]

My own experience with online relationships has not been nearly so productive. I've had people who just seemed to want to exchange letters forever, who were charmed by my ability to write engaging emails (a dubious skill...), and then turned out to be utter duds, or worse, never agreed to a RL meeting.

Having said that, I've never progressed to the level of intimacy that you relate, and I know couples that have, and have gone beyond to successful relationships.

I've never done it, I don't know how it's done, but I've seen it happen.

Frankly, I'm dumbfounded by the whole thing; but then, I'm kind of amazed at the way any couple gets together. Church groups? Friends of friends? It's all a crapshoot, isn't it? At least they know how they would relate to each other with the benefit of a little prep time.

 

[English Lady]

I met my husband at a chatsite about 10 years ago now. We chatted online, progressed to the phone (in a matter of days) then a few weeks late met in real life. We were in love form the moment we met. We've had our ups and downs and we've certainly not had it all easy but we've lasted. We were lucky that we both live in the same country and so we could meet so quickly.

I've heard a couple of stories where people have met in real life, though and just not got on. I think, as cloudy said, the people in the relationship have got to be totally honest for it to work.

 

[RogueLurker]

About 10 years ago, I met my partner through an online discussion group. We chatted in the group, exchanged a few emails, knew that we lived in the same city and eventually met up "as friends". Things took off from there. Eventually, preferably sooner than later, a physical meeting is important ... at least to me. It puts things into perspective and makes things real.

I think that online relationships give you safety behind the anonymity ... odd as it may sound, because people don't know who you are, it can be easier to be honest and express your feelings/thoughts. Of course, the reverse can also true in that there are those who create a persona that is not who they are. It all comes down to trust ... but all relationships come down to that eventually.

 

[rachlou]

If you are always too scared to step outside of your safety zone - you may miss out on something wonderful. Nothing ventured and all that crap... Yes it might not work. But what if? If you don't give it a chance, you will never know, will you? At worst, you keep a friend. At best you gain something far more special.

But you already know this.

 

[S-Des]

I met the love of my life here on Lit. She lives painfully far away, so we make do mostly with phone calls and IMing (and have recently added webcams ). Missing the physical aspects of the relationship is tough on both of us, but it's harder when she's upset and I can't be there for her. However, on the positive side, we've had to substitute conversation for sex (which we'd be having a lot of if we lived close), so it's helped us grow closer quickly. It's impossible to predict how long we can keep this up before one of us has to change our living arrangements, but for now being able to hear her voice and see her is enough to get me by between visits.

I wouldn't recommend it for anyone, but I wouldn't trade a moment of knowing her for anything. It helped us immensely that we were completely honest with each other from the beginning. I wonder how many internet relationships crumble when people find out the person on the other end of the line isn't exactly who they said they were.

 

[Fallenfromgrace]

Wow, i didnt know some of the people here had met through this board, and others congrats to those its worked out for.

Allbeit i am young as i keep being reminded, i have had one serious relationship, and it was with someone i met through a music forum about 2 maybe 3 years ago now. We talked for a good while- emails, boards, msn, phone.

She came over from Canada to live here in February, and we made a go at a real relationship. I think we both fooled ourselves into thinking we were in love.

we were together for about 6 months till about september when i couldnt handle it anymore. For many reasons it didnt work out- we clashed a lot, lack of time and other stuff.

I don't talk to her now, she's back in Canada for the holiday's and is back in the new year as far as im aware. She texts me every so often but i don't respond, just coz of how we were as people together- i cant be friends with her now.

*shrug* who knows, maybe this internet thing will work out for me one day, but it didnt this time. I have a long time to see how it goes.

Congrats to all those it's worked out for though.

 

[rgraham666]

People can be very fake in the real world. And quite genuine in cyberspace.

In both cases there's huge probabilities for both heartbreak and happiness. I've experienced both, although more of the former than the latter.

 

[impressive]

And as a footnote, I will add, that love of all kinds is available here. I have met some of my dearest and closest friends here in the AH, most of whom live on the other side of the world, but it matters not one jot where they are, because I know their hearts are with me, I know how much they care about me and for me, and I them.

Well said, indeed.


As several people have commented, honesty is key. I have yet to be disappointed when taking online relationships offline. As far as AHers are concerned, everyone I've met has been exactly as they've portrayed themselves here.

If someone is putting up a false front -- is not who s/he claims to be -- then the offline meeting will never happen. There will always be some "good excuse" for putting it off.

Yeah, when getting to know someone online -- without the benefit of facial expressions & body language (which are our biggest cues that someone is lying) -- there is a level of trust required in order to get over the barriers to intimacy. I try to remember that that goes both ways. The other person is equally handicapped.

Personally, I think the 'Net is an ideal place to meet people with common interests. It's safe (if you keep your wits about you), efficient, and cheap -- and you can easily integrate it with your offline life.

 

[MagicaPractica]

I suppose, in the venue wherein you HAVE to just talk (either through chat or on the phone), you learn more about a person than you might otherwise.

Still, I suppose I am just old-fashioned. I want to know who and what a person is, in their entirety. I want ti interact with them, in all ways, and not just through words.

Perhaps you need to be a little more old-fashioned and think of the many courtships that were conducted almost exclusively through letters in the old days. I have long letters from between my Great, great Grandfather and Great great grandmother while he was far away at college.

There is always the possibility for deception in any relationship, whether in person or far away. But I do believe that the Internet makes it possible for people to say things they might be too scared to put out there in real life.

 

[Roxanne Appleby]

. . . Of course they must meet in person - but after that, who knows?

This is key.

The amount of "information" that passes from person to person in a real life meeting is much greater than online. I believe that only through a real life can you confirm your view of a person's character and who they really are. Of course even then there's no guarantee, as some have mentioned.

I would offer one prudential caution: Don't make any life plans until you've had at least one face-to-face meeting, and preferably been able to spend a little time together. In other words, don't quit your job, sell your house, initiate divorce proceedings ( ), etc.

 

[Guest]

to me,
talking as much as lucky and i did before we met, (read: she asked me what i wanted for my birthday and i said you.) really was the glue to the beginning of our relationship.
we did AH, IM , cam and phone.
we've been together now for about three years. the AH brought us together but our honesty with one another really kept us together.
i believe that because we couldn't be face to face in the beginning, that we got to know one another more than we would have otherwise. you can't just stare at the phone like you can stare into the eyes of the person you are with.
communication was key.
yes, you have to be wary. yes you have to spend mega time but its totally worth it.

my two pennies.

 

[Selena_Kitt]

My husband and I met on AOL back when they charged by the hour... We progressed quickly to phone (it was cheaper, we found we only lived half an hour from each other!) and then to face-to-face... I've heard tons of stories since about people meeting online... it's just a new way for people to meet, really... it's no less likely to "work" than any other way, I think...

 

[SensualCealy]

IMO, I think more is given by way of information via internet because you have nothing to lose. You 'meet' on line and you can spill your guts, if that person is still willing to talk to you after that, you pretty much know they are willing to stick it out for the long haul.

Face to face set ups, you see the person from afar and think- OMG I hope that isnt the person Im supose to be meeting, sure enough it is! Do you dash before they get to you, or do you stick it out and visit awhile, hoping this persons personality makes up for looks?

Internet, you get to know the person first, no judgements, you learn about them, how they tick, and then before you know it, you are hook, line and sinker- in love. You dont care if they have an ear in the middle of their forehead, or an arm sticking out of their chest- love overcomes allot of obsticles.

So yes, its possible to find love on-line, and the only worry you should have for your buddy is that, people wont know when to stay out of other peoples business!
C
C

 

[Roxanne Appleby]

IMO, I think more is given by way of information via internet because you have nothing to lose. You 'meet' on line and you can spill your guts, if that person is still willing to talk to you after that, you pretty much know they are willing to stick it out for the long haul.

Face to face set ups, you see the person from afar and think- OMG I hope that isnt the person Im supose to be meeting, sure enough it is! Do you dash before they get to you, or do you stick it out and visit awhile, hoping this persons personality makes up for looks?

Internet, you get to know the person first, no judgements, you learn about them, how they tick, and then before you know it, you are hook, line and sinker- in love. You dont care if they have an ear in the middle of their forehead, or an arm sticking out of their chest- love overcomes allot of obsticles.

So yes, its possible to find love on-line, and the only worry you should have for your buddy is that, people wont know when to stay out of other peoples business!
C
C

I don't disagree with this, despite my previous post. But there are important things that don't come through. You named one, actually: You can spill your guts online, and it's easier to be very effusive. BUT - that doesn't mean this is the way you are in real life. I am a perfect example: I am somewhat repressed emotionally, and this affects my real world behavior much more than my online. I give more "hugs" in a week here than I do in a year in real life.

Maybe what I'm saying is that information is multi-layered, and some layers just do not pass through cyberspace. This doesn't necessariliy mean that what you get in real life will be different than what you expect, only that it could be different, even when everyone acts in good faith and full honesty.

 

[rgraham666]

I'm much more the real me in cyberspace than I am in the real world.

Why?

Power. Here in cyberspace people have less power over me. I don't have to hide fearing the people who disapprove of me and my beliefs will use their power to hurt me.

 

[Aurora Black]

If both parties are honest with each other, meeting online is a great way to cut through all the initial getting-to-know-you bullshit that happens with "normal" dating. When you meet someone online (again, if they're honest), you cut through all the layers and see the genuine article. Instead of worrying about trivial things like how you look or how to present yourself as more sexy/mysterious/powerful than you really are, it's a connection of souls.

I met my guy online in the summer of 2000 on a computer game forum & chatroom. I was flirting like crazy that night, and I caught his attention. He was interested in the fan fiction I was writing at the time, and I was intrigued because he was all the way in exotic Greece. Anyway, things progressed very quickly and within two weeks we were in love. We talked about everything, and he was (and still is) the only person that understands me so well. Every spare moment we had was spent on IM or the phone.

Fall came, and he asked me to move in with him. As in leaving the US and my family, as in crossing the ocean and living in a foreign country. I was scared shitless at the thought of leaving everything behind (despite the fact that I was miserable where I was), but I knew something had to be done. So while I was finishing my degree, I took two jobs and worked my ass off to earn the money for a one-way plane ticket abroad and the means to settle there.

To say that my folks were upset over my decision would be an understatement; in the months leading up to my departure, they did everything they could to make me change my mind. My mother warned me about "Internet Romeos," foreign men who seduce American women and sell them into prostitution once they fly over. My relatives said things like "Why the hell would you leave America for the European wilderness? Are you crazy?" Someone even threatened to shred my passport and tickets so I couldn't leave.

I didn't let their tactics affect me because I knew him. I knew there was no way in hell that he would ever hurt me, because from all the time we spent together I recognized that he was a beautiful, gentle soul. I moved to Greece in July 2001, a year after I first met A online. We're still together after 5 years.

Even now I'm amazed at how clearly I was able to see the situation I was getting myself into. Ironically, it was when I wasn't able to "see" him (except through pictures & video) that my intuition was strengthened concerning his character. People can frown on online dating as much as they want (citing the excuse that anyone can lie about themselves or that people are desperate, etc.), but this experience was the best thing that ever happened to me and it brought me the love of my life, so I can't condemn it.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Linny and I were introduced by her daughter on-line. We were the perfect couple from the very start. That was four years ago. Even with all the adversity we have gone through over the past year or so, we are still together... always will be.

How odd, we were born and grew up a mile apart in Belfast and met on-line in the U.S.

 

[slyc_willie]

All I can say is . . .

I'm inspired.

Thanks.

 

[Dr_Strabismus]

Slyc_willie, the answer to your both your original questions are "no", and "no", respectively.

I've read all the posts here, and they confirm those answers. I also have a fair bit of experience of this, both direct and indirect.

But there's a caveat: You can find mutual love online, but it's very dangerous to assume that you have, until you meet in person.

I don't think it's an absolute necessity to meet in person before you can commit to love, but it's certainly perspicacious to do so. In my opinion, this will not change: People rely on many subtleties of communication, incuding touch and whole-body language, that are simply absent in an online relationship.

And of course sex, the firelighter of love, is still basically a tactile, physical act, and online sex will never be more than a poor substitute for it.

 

[Trinique_Fire]

I have a friend -- yes, a friend, this isn't about me -- who has been chatting with a woman he met on-line just about a year ago. They have been talking almost every single night ever since, both chatting on IM and on the phone.

He claims they have great sex together and she is everything he wants in a woman. She has sent him pictures, and he as well. He finds her physically attractive and intellectually stimulating.

Not long ago, he told me he wants to marry her, and she, him. Everything seems rosy. Just one problem:

They've never met!

My question: Assuming everything my friend and his lover have told each other is true, is it really possible to find real love on the Internet?

My friend and his online girlfriend claim to be devoted to one another, awaiting the day when they will be physically united. The only reason it has not happened is because they live far apart (in seperate countries) and she has some family issues.

Should I worry about him?

I don't know...I'm not sure I believe in regular love any longer, but I can say this: if it's worth it to them, then it's worth a shot. Don't worry too much. It's the internet, he'll bounce back if it doesn't turn out right.

 

[wickedlady31]

though he is a grown man...he is playing like a naive child!
I guess he shops online too..without seeing the product up front...pictures are one thing...but not 100%
let me tell you of my love affair.

Met a man online....started sending instant messages..email..eventually phone calls. Exchanged pics...we were both pleased with how we looked....
we carried on for about 3 yrs..talking each day on the phone....emails...we fell in love.
We met....and it turned out he was a she!
He was a transgender that had yet to get the phaloplasty!

 

[Aurora Black]

Fuck.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

though he is a grown man...he is playing like a naive child!
I guess he shops online too..without seeing the product up front...pictures are one thing...but not 100%
let me tell you of my love affair.

Met a man online....started sending instant messages..email..eventually phone calls. Exchanged pics...we were both pleased with how we looked....
we carried on for about 3 yrs..talking each day on the phone....emails...we fell in love.
We met....and it turned out he was a she!
He was a transgender that had yet to get the phaloplasty!

 

[angelicminx]

I have a friend -- yes, a friend, this isn't about me -- who has been chatting with a woman he met on-line just about a year ago. They have been talking almost every single night ever since, both chatting on IM and on the phone.

He claims they have great sex together and she is everything he wants in a woman. She has sent him pictures, and he as well. He finds her physically attractive and intellectually stimulating.

Not long ago, he told me he wants to marry her, and she, him. Everything seems rosy. Just one problem:

They've never met!

My question: Assuming everything my friend and his lover have told each other is true, is it really possible to find real love on the Internet?

My friend and his online girlfriend claim to be devoted to one another, awaiting the day when they will be physically united. The only reason it has not happened is because they live far apart (in seperate countries) and she has some family issues.

Should I worry about him?

Right up my alley. I met my husband on the internet in Feb 2005. He moved here in August 2005. We married December 13, 2006.

He is the most devoted, loving, honest man I've ever known and we are a perfect match. We truly got to know each other BECAUSE we met on the internet. We felt that the net was the one place we could be ourselves, with no hesitation.

We also exchanged pictures, email, IM, phone calls, engaged in cybersex, etc. My family and friends thought I'd lost my mind, had been 'brainwashed by a silver tounged devil'. (They didn't find out about him until mid July 2005). Because I keep my private thoughts and feelings to myself, they didn't know that I had 'investigated' him, with his permission.

While I had the butterflies in my stomach and a feeling of deep love in my heart, I also didn't trust the fact that I'd met him on the net. I'd heard horror stories and felt the need to proceed with caution. 1. I didn't want to get hurt, either physically or emotionally. 2. I couldn't be sure that what I felt was real and not emotion created from sheer lonliness. 3. He is 27 years my senior.

While my daughter was at summer camp, he flew me to California. I spent 42 glorious hours with him beginning August 4, 2005. I was an excited, but nervous, wreck in flight. I was scared to death that the attraction I felt would dissolve upon physically meeting him. I was scared that I wouldn't recognize him. I was also scared that he would turn out to be a homocidal maniac. (Can we say paranoid?)

My flight was delayed in Los Angeles. My connecting flight was canceled and I was rerouted to Santa Maria, an hour and a half beyond schedule. The airport was TINY. There were 10 people on the flight. When we landed, there was no one at the airport. While I waited for my bag to be unloaded from the puddle jumper, I walked outside to wait for him and smoke a cigarette. The whole parking lot, I would estimate, held 50 cars. While I didn't see him pull into the lot, I did see him walking accross to the front of the building.

My heart beat double time. He carried a huge bouquet of flowers and appeared much older that I remembered. I watched him walk into the building, not saying a word, and waited for him to come out the door next to where I was standing. (There would have been no way for him to miss me, as small as the airport was.)

I will never forget that first meeting, the first kiss, the first embrace. All the emotions I'd felt while talking to him, both online and on the phone, came rushing to the surface.

When he came through the door, he handed me the flowers and seemed to hesitate, so I stepped forward and hugged him. Then I kissed him. Magic. It's the only word I can think of to describe the feeling. His age melted away. He was no longer a 'stranger'. This man was my soul mate.

When we broke the kiss, an eternity later, he dropped to his knees, in front of all of my fellow passengers, the flight crew and the people picking up the passengers. He proposed, again, on the spot. I, of course, said yes.

We collected my bag and went to his van, where he opened the door for me and handed me an Arby's bag. (Because of the flight delay and the fact that they no longer serve meals in flight, I hadn't eaten. Bless him.) We drove to the motel where he'd reserved a room for the weekend and the whole time he stared at me, occasionally glancing at the road. Thank God for minimal traffic. We dropped my bag off at the room and then spent the next 3 or 4 hours making the rounds to introduce me to his friends.

Everyone had something positive to say. They all told me how lucky HE was, and how wonderful I had to be to be making him so happy after so long. I believe I'm a pretty good judge of character and they all seemed sincere.

When we got back to the room, he had me wait in the van for about 5 minutes before he came and opened my door. He'd gone inside for a moment. When he opened the door to the room for me, I saw, to my delight, that he'd covered the bed in rose petals. I've never in my life had someone do something like that for me.

We showered together. I trimmed his beard. Little things to just touch one another. When we did finally make love, it was phenomenal. (By the way, rose petals create on hell of a stain on white sheets. )

He moved here 2 weeks later. I had to wait until my divorce was final to marry him, and there were some other factors that caused a delay, but marry him I did. I'm thankful that I listened to my heart and I'd left my mind open to the possibility of finding true love on the net.

He completes me. He is my breath, my heart and my life. I would not choose to spend one day without him in my life. Thank God for the net. Without it, I'd never have found him.

To answer your question. No, you shouldn't worry about him. Support him, and be there to pick up the pieces if things go wrong. Be happy for him.

 

[RedHairedandFriendly]

It happens. I know of an older author here at Lit. (Age 67) he wrote a story for a female author on Lit. who enjoyed his work (Age 63)... after he wrote it that chatted via IM. They fell in love... and were ready to marry before they met. They married just this past Thanksgiving. She moved to Washington leaving her grown children and grandchildren in Tennessee.

They were both lonely and if it had not been for the Internet they wouldn't have known the other existed. Congratulations to them both.