Internet friendships & relationships

[Savage Kitten]

It is interesting how disposable friendships are online.

This statement hits the proverbial nail on the head for me. Is it just me or do internet relationships seem more intense, more flamable, more extinguishable, than real life relationships?

I think, (therefore I am, right?), it is easier to bare our soul online, to give a piece of ourselves to someone else, because communication online is expressionless. We don't have see the look of contempt or disapproval, so we are more apt to take chances. We fall in love with the other persons wit, personailty, and brain before the physical aspects come into it.

For the same reason, it is so easy (for some people) to cast aside our online friendships and love affairs. It's the cowards way, because you don't have to see or hear the hurt, anguish, and disappointment the other person feels.

I also stand accused. I sent a chastising note to someone I cared about because I didn't think they realised how much the words they posted here hurt. In the process I hurt her. I would have never known either if she hadn't told me that she had tears in her eyes as she read the note.

It's important when we begin interent friendships to realise that there are real people on the other end of this phone line with real feelings and emotions.

*steps off her soapbox and passes the mic to the next in line*

[Edited by Savage Kitten on 10-13-2000 at 08:57 AM]

 

[Dreamer1]

Very well stated SK.

 

[April]

I have never once forgotten that the other person is, in fact, real. That is my major guideline when I post.

I read some people's opinions: "It's just the internet." "It's just a sex site." That's no excuse to be rude or hateful to others. Those are the people I want nothing to do with. As if not being able to see the other person is an excuse to treat them as less than you. The internet is an easy place to be less than honorable and noble, and this is something we should all fight against. That's all I will say for now.

 

[Ravenloft]

Exactly SK, talking face to face brings with it the burden of seeing that persons physical reaction.

And so, if you were to say "Its all good" to someone online then they might buy it but if you said it to them face to face while spitting in disgust they might catch on that you are just trying to placate them.

 

[Lajo]

<taking the microphone.> Thank you, Savage Kitten

I have to agree with everyone else. While it is easy to hide on the internet, I choose not too. I almost find it easier to be open and honest on here. It is important to remember that there are real people on the other side. We do not have the face to face contact; since we do not have the ability to soften verbal blows with a knowing glance or obvious sarcastic smirk, it is important to choose words carefully.

Lajo

 

[teresafannin]

I have been tried to be open here on the BB. I try to remember that everyone has feelings & a right to their own opinion. I avoid threads that make me uncomfortable, such as the incest threads. I don't think I have ever flamed anyone & I only post under this name. Differences of opinion are what make people interesting & we need to remember that everyone has feelings. One of the biggest lies told to children is "Sticks & stones.....but words will never hurt me." Words hurt deeply. Passing the microphone to the next person who wants to get on a soapbox, I get on a soap box because I am only 5'2" & everyone is taller than I am.

 

[coaster]

True character will surface no matter what the environment, cyber chat or face to face. Being new to the bulletin board, I marvel at the sensitivity I've witnessed. There will always be malcontents who fail to act curteously. Can we expect this cyber colony to be different from the workplace? I look forward to developing relationships and interacting with thought provoking ideas and comments. What we have here is a network of caring individuals who are willing to touch, entertain, and challenge one another. The personal frustrations experienced here are but a dim flickering wick.

 

[KillerMuffin]

*Takes the mic, puts a phonebook on the soap box and climbs on, I am, after all, 5' 1/2" and everyone else is taller than me (don't tell the navy, they think I'm 5'1")*

I was part of a large and varied chat group for almost a year. They came from all walks of life, everywhere in the globe. Some of these people are as close to me as the friends I have in real life. A chat war broke out. This is IRC where the chat client (program) used to access the chat page is based in the chatter's computer, rather than as a java applet on the server. This means upgrading the client, called a script, is possible, as well as additions of bots and eggys (programs that access the chat server and are controlled by the chatter, but aren't actually a chat client). Bear with me, thre is a point.

This chat war broke out, people were (still are) writing bigger and badder scripts to smack other people with. They do something called "port fucking" and they also put in trojans, netbuses, and assorted things. A few have the capability to access someone else's puter and plant a virus or even wipe the HD. Most of this stuff is nuisance attacks, mainly nuking or udp packet flooding that either knock the person from the chat channel or knock them off line. The problem was who owned the channel, or controlled it, and who didn't.

Friendships and love affairs were ripped to shreds. I was drawn into the middle of it having close close friends on both sides of the argument. Rather than pick a side, I left the chat. I return, occassionally, to say hi, how are you, but I'm no longer part of the group. Sometimes I feel like I've lost some of my best friends, and it hurts.

Yes, internet relationships can affect a person just as strongly as a real life one.

*jumps off the soap box and passes the mic on*

 

[Silverlily]

*taking the mic, but passing on the soapbox, I'm 5'7"*

I think online relationships can be every bit as real as offline. What is the difference between chatting on the phone with a friend two minutes away or chatting online with a friend 3000 miles away? Everyone I've interacted with here and in other groups are very real to me. They each have a voice, a face, and feelings. I have felt pain even through IMs and can gauge the mood of my net friends even without face to face contact.

I have seen other groups decimated by thoughtlessness and while the BB may have its moments, for the most part this is a well balanced bunch of people. I have made several friends here and it would break my heart to lose them. They are every bit as dear and precious to me as friends I've had lunch with.

I think SK's initial post is a perfect illustration of why this BB works. Mistakes get made, we are all human, but we are also adult enough to see that in ourselves and make amends. Beautifully written, SK, thank you for sharing.

 

[Roll-One]

I did at one time think this was, just the internet, or a chat room or board, but i did come to realize that you are dealing with real ppl and there feelings, just like you would be in RL.... after realizing this, i have become more caring and compassionate person when i make friends on the internet...

I don't think i share any more or less with someone on the internet, cause i feel, once we are friends, your my friend whether here or in real life.

 

[Siren]

Sk good idea, thanks for using my quote

 

[ShyGuy68]

Savage Kitten hello stranger!!! Haven't seen you in a long time on ICQ!!

I too have found very special friends on the net! And also a few here from the board!! And I do really think they know more about me that some of my real life friends do! And they are also the friends that I sometimes count on when I'm feeling a bit down, and need somebody to give me a lift!

I have lost friendships too on line. And still think about some of them from time to time. Unfortunately that's how life goes from time to time, people slide away from each other.

 

[Cheyenne]

...it is easier to bare our soul online, to give a piece of ourselves to someone else, because communication online is expressionless. We don't have see the look of contempt or disapproval, so we are more apt to take chances. We fall in love with the other persons wit, personailty, and brain before the physical aspects come into it...

It's important when we begin interent friendships to realise that there are real people on the other end of this phone line with real feelings and emotions.

Exactly. I couldn't have said it better.

 

[Ezzy]

Taking the mic, moving the soap box, digging a 6'' hole then standing in the hole.


I agree with a lot of the posters about the intensity of relationships online, and with those who talk about the ones who walk or drift away.

I also think that the choice of words is more important online, than face to face or over the phone.

It is much harder to “hear” sarcasm, or irony or the laughter in someone’s words, when they are written rather than spoken.
That is why it is easier to cause offence online, with a miss-thought phrase or word, and also easier to take offence when another makes that error.

It is quicker to walk away than take the time to get an explanation, but that explanation may lead to a deeper friendship, if only you had waited for it.

EZ http://smilecwm.tripod.com/cwm2/sleep.gif

 

[CreamyLady]

(passing on the soapbox; I'm 5'9")

I have met many wonderful people online, many here, and one very special person here. I try very hard to conform to the accepted standards of behavior.

Most of my online friendships are still intact, and I've met a few people in real life. A few have fallen by the wayside; a difference of opinion, a loss of connection, real life intruding. It happens in real life too.

I do believe that the rule for offline disagreements should apply. Get up, go for a walk, wash the car, do the dishes, soak in a hot tub. Go do anything but stay in a situation where escalation seems to be the only option.

Thank you.

 

[Guest]

takes the soapbox... only 5'4

I have met alot of people online in the last few years. And a few in 'real life'. I think that its not that they don't know that you are a real person... its just that alot of them don't care. To them its a game, a challenge. Not saying that all people are that way.

The last person I met online... well..it didn't go the way I thought it would. The online relationship was intense... so intense I thought I was going to spontaneously combust. But the attraction didn't carry over into reality. But hey.. thats life. It had nothing to do with physical appearance..

But I have had some of the best friendships of my life on here... probably because you can be yourself on here. More open than you can be with someone face to face. I guess it just feels less intimidating over a chat room or a message board than it does sitting across a table from someone.

anyway my two cents..

 

[Sammyjo]

I only have a few online people that I would consider friends. I try not to get too close to people in real life, why would I do it online? Though I do realize that you all are people, I just try not to get too serious, too into making friends. It's not important to me. *sure she's sounding like a big meanie, but oh well* I just don't want to get hurt. I am not here to make friends...and I can count on one hand the number of times I've been rude on here...and don't go searching for them...the rest of the "rudeness" was silliness...and probably hard for anyone to distinguish except me...since I know the mood and attitude with which it all stemmed from.

You see, after I had my daughter, there was this big "scandal" in my friendship circle...and probably beyond. I cut off all ties with anyone I had ever known. I have NO friends. I go to work, come home, spend time with my family, spend a very few minutes online, and go to bed. I don't go out to movies, I don't date, I don't hang out with friends. The only person I've let remotely close to me is my guy in Toronto. Unless you count the engagement, but I don't think I really let him know me either, hence the reason I'm not married. I trusted one person with so many intimate details of my life. I don't feel like I can trust anyone else. *yes, that IS sad, let's not dwell on it*

I have definitely told the people of the board things about myself. Mostly sexual...it seems to be the only thing I am willing to share. Yes, I've had occasion to share other things...if I had to do it all over again, I probably would not do it. Not that most of the people here haven't been supportive, just that I usually don't do things like that.

There are a few of you who still send me mail, who chat with me on ICQ, who acknowledge anything I post. I thank you for that. I thank you for putting up with everything I dish out, the pain, the laughter, the tears...everything. YOU are the ones I consider friends...and I'm sure you know that.

Ok...I definitely need to get down from the soapbox (I'm only 4' 11 1/2"...and the air up here is killing me)

 

[Jeff726]

I have never once forgotten that the other person is, in fact, real. That is my major guideline when I post.

I read some people's opinions: "It's just the internet." "It's just a sex site." That's no excuse to be rude or hateful to others. Those are the people I want nothing to do with. As if not being able to see the other person is an excuse to treat them as less than you. The internet is an easy place to be less than honorable and noble, and this is something we should all fight against. That's all I will say for now.

April you could not be more correct! Damn I love ya for that.


Home Again,


Jeff

 

[Samuari]

the basic differnce in on line vs real life realtionships lies in the anonymity of the net. This aloows us to do several things: we can discuss topics and activities with a frsnkness that would be imposable if we thought that our next-door neighbor would over hear us. It also frees some of the more juvenile amoung us of being responseable for their actions, letting loose the vandels. Thie same anonymity though can allow a second chance, an oppertunity to represent ourselves as we would like to be, the best that we wish that we were. I t is in this second chance that the net fosters the bet in us.

 

[Bamarose]

5'8 but standing on the soapbox just for the hell of it....

I have online relationships with with people that have come and gone, through the same trivialities that we're faced with in real life...losing touch, small disagreements, etc., etc., etc., But I have some that are still going strong. Some I've met. Some I will. Some I never will. It's very similar to groups that you talk to in every day life. Some you work with and are very close to and talk about things with, but you would never see them anywhere besides work. Same with church. You may have close friends where you go to church, but you would never CONSIDER going out with those people. Or the people you go out with. You have a hellofa lot of fun with them, but you wouldn't invite them to family things. But, you have those that are involved in every aspect of your life. The same goes with online relationships, friendships or otherwise.

A while back I got hell about my life and the decisions I was trying to make from my family. They were meaning well, but they conveniently forgot that I'm an adult and have to deal with things my own way. I got the listening and support I needed from my online buds. They also insisted on giving me a hard time about my "online life". To them it's "just a computer; you don't know those people; why do you like to talk to them so often?". (even though it's communication, just like talking on the phone and quite a few members in my family are on AOL also..go figure) True I don't know them as far as meeting all of them, but I know them better than most people ever will, and I can honestly say that they know me better than most people ever have and ever will. I find it easier to talk to folks when I don't have to look them in the eye. I'm the type who's always thinking, "what if this person doesn't like me?" or "what will they think of me if I say this? will they be upset with me?". On here I'm more inclined to be ME regardless of the consequences, (not meaning being rude, just voicing my thoughts...ohhh ya'll know what I mean) and actually, my self-esteem has benefitted.

Don't get me wrong, I know there are those who think it's the thing to play around people's emotions, and/or pretend they're someone they're not, (been there, done that)but you learn how to tell those people apart, just as if you were to go to a club and see that same type of person there. You know. You'll still find out, just like you would if you weren't online.

<Taking a DEEP breath> Whew! That was a long one. I know I've jumped around a bit, and it may be a lil garbled, but I'm trusting that with you folks being the online people that ya'll are, you've learned to decipher the code LOL

 

[lala]

i have my own soapbox, gold lettering and everything, but it's broken, stomped too much on it lately, it's being duct taped as we speak,... so for now, i'm my 5'5" self,...

lately i've been a little down,... all kinds of unhappiness all over the boards has strained my faith in humanity, and i have to say this thread has reaffirmed it.

i expected more of the same "i'm better than that, i'm better than them,... they're all losers cuz they're mean" or "ya well fuck you, and you and you, you're cool, but fuck you!"

what i saw was person after person stepping up and saying the right thing- my signature!

thanks so much all of you, for brightening my week y'all are wonderful people

(and if you were wondering about my opinion on the actual subject- i started a thread titled "it hurts because we care")

thanks,

*lala bows and retreats*