Interesting. The difference between needing support and needing help.

[warrior queen]

There IS a difference.
If I tell you about something that's bothering me, I am not telling you because I need your help to sort it out. I'm telling you because I need your support when I sort it out myself.
How fucking hard is that to understand?

Fuck.

 

[Debbie]

There IS a difference.
If I tell you about something that's bothering me, I am not telling you because I need your help to sort it out. I'm telling you because I need your support when I sort it out myself.
How fucking hard is that to understand?

Fuck.

I deal with that by saying exactly what I need.

 

[warrior queen]

I deal with that by saying exactly what I need.

Did that.
Unfortunately, the 'he-man' instinct seems to take over anyway..... creating more issues than it solves.

Sometimes I have to wonder.
Is he listening, or is he already solving for me?

 

[Noor]

Some people can't not solve problems.

 

[ms_ann_thrope]

No wonder he's gone all the time.

 

[Noor]

No wonder he's gone all the time.

Someone got up on the wrong side of the bed or wrong bed or something.

 

[ms_ann_thrope]

Someone got up on the wrong side of the bed or wrong bed or something.

Good thing my bed isn't round.

 

[parodyluvr75]

Tie him to the bed then tell him exactly what you want.

 

[ms_ann_thrope]

People that insist on being an island are surrounded by water.

 

[eyer]

There IS a difference.
If I tell you about something that's bothering me, I am not telling you because I need your help to sort it out. I'm telling you because I need your support when I sort it out myself.
How fucking hard is that to understand?

Fuck.

So...

...you're a self-centered b!tch.

And?

 

[Debbie]

Did that.
Unfortunately, the 'he-man' instinct seems to take over anyway..... creating more issues than it solves.

Sometimes I have to wonder.
Is he listening, or is he already solving for me?

From what I've seen in life most men are action takers. For them talk is under rated and action is what is needed. Plus I think it goes back to cave man ways.

'Man must club and fix problem.' (Just joking - men. No need to bonk me on the head and drag me to your man cave.)

Women talk and think things through. Sometimes we talk and talk and talk and for some men that is frustrating and seen as not solving the problem.

I was a slow learner and used to talk the ears off the man. Eventually I got it. If I'm upset, angry or dealing with a problem and I want just to vent I say so. If I need to use him as a sounding board I say so.

I do not want him to go thump the person who cut me off in traffic or the surly bank teller, bad service etc.

Men and women do communicate differently and sometimes men just want to DO something.

I talk a lot when I'm pissed off. That's the way I cope. Now I go and calm down, collect my thoughts and go and talk to hubby if necessary or go deal with it when I'm calmer and more rational.

 

[Sean Renaud]

There IS a difference.
If I tell you about something that's bothering me, I am not telling you because I need your help to sort it out. I'm telling you because I need your support when I sort it out myself.
How fucking hard is that to understand?

Fuck.

If you don't need help sorting it out then I don't need nor want to hear about it or even know it exists. It's really simple. If I come to you with a problem it's because I'm out of ideas and I need some suggestions.

Seriously how fucking complicated as that. Don't bug me if you don't need my help. If you just want to whine at someone use your goddamn blog.

 

[Debbie]

If you don't need help sorting it out then I don't need nor want to hear about it or even know it exists. It's really simple. If I come to you with a problem it's because I'm out of ideas and I need some suggestions.

Seriously how fucking complicated as that. Don't bug me if you don't need my help. If you just want to whine at someone use your goddamn blog.

So if your lady has a bad day and she just wants a sympathetic ear she should get a pet?

 

[ms_ann_thrope]

So if your lady has a bad day and she just wants a sympathetic ear she should get a pet?

Oy vey.

 

[patient1]

I think Debbie and Sean covered the male-female dynamic pretty well.

You'll probably get better results if you specify which you want from him up front.
As it is, you're probably making both of you annoyed.

 

[Sean Renaud]

So if your lady has a bad day and she just wants a sympathetic ear she should get a pet?

It's a far better idea than providing me a problem you don't want solved yes. I promise you Fido and Miss Kitty Fantastico won't advise you. I mean I can nod and grunt systematically and get upset about something that not only can I not solve but that I'm specifically not wanted to solve? If you just want to talk while I do absolutely nothing though as was suggested, inform me that I'm being used for what you SHOULD use a pet, diary or internet friends for. I promise to half listen. Because I refuse to lie to you and I find it's rare that problems are completely onesided, so if I'm not expected to solve it I'm gonna start telling you the things you could have done that would have prevented this ignorance in the first place.

It's really not complicated.

 

[warrior queen]

I wasn't complaining really..... I was just making the observation that the very first instinct seemsto be to get all macho and fix things.
I listen to his recount of something that's causing an issue, and my first reaction is 'how can I make him feel better about what he's dealing with?'
He hears something similar from me and his first instinct is 'I'll go deal with this for her so she doesn't have to!'
No matter how often I say not to.

 

[Colonel Hogan]

I wasn't complaining really..... I was just making the observation that the very first instinct seemsto be to get all macho and fix things.
I listen to his recount of something that's causing an issue, and my first reaction is 'how can I make him feel better about what he's dealing with?'
He hears something similar from me and his first instinct is 'I'll go deal with this for her so she doesn't have to!'
No matter how often I say not to.

It's a guy thing, and it is incredibly difficult for many guys NOT TO DO!

It doesn't matter how many times you may clarify that you are not asking for nor that you WANT HELP. He doesn't (or perhaps CAN'T) believe you.

The guy thinks, "Well obviously her life would have been better had this problem never appeared, so how could my making it disappear be undesirable?"

 

[John Doe]

It's a guy thing, and it is incredibly difficult for many guys NOT TO DO!

It doesn't matter how many times you may clarify that you are not asking for nor that you WANT HELP. He doesn't (or perhaps CAN'T) believe you.

The guy thinks, "Well obviously her life would have been better had this problem never appeared, so how could my making it disappear be undesirable?"

It helps me to remember that I'm helping by not helping.

Does that help?

 

[Misshotndeep]

My understanding of help is a guiding hand in the right direction. Like a how to guide. Support is a more hand over hand activity. Doing an activity with a person and correcting them as you go. That's how I see it for what it's worth.

 

[DesEsseintes]

As with the other gentlemen here, my experience is that this is a very common issue between men and women (though, like everything else, there is no universal law). I'm the 'typical' male myself: if I have a bad day and there's something my wife can help with, I'll tell her. If not, I don't see the point in bothering her with it - it's part of my role to keep smiling and not allow my unreasonable moods to affect both of us.

That's not to say that I'm some sort of strong silent type - often she can help, and then I won't hesitate in talking to her. But to me, talking about emotions without wanting a solution is strange because as others have said, if a situation can be resolved then resolve it - if it can't, why obsess over it? I like aimless talking, discursive roamings over all sorts of issues, and I absolutely don't think that talk is all about straightforward communication - I'd not be much of a writer if I thought that! It's just that emotions for me are not interesting, and I'll struggle to fake interest if all I'm being asked to do is be a sounding board.

I get the original poster's frustration, I really do. But I think sometimes we make a mistake in wanting our SO to be everything to us. There's a lovely line in a Dorothy Sayers novel about a woman admiring male relationships because they are like a honeycomb - friends touching on one side only, such as work or college friends or neighbours, etc - but altogether forming an incredibly strong bond. I have friends - really close friends - who I see only every few months, and only to go to gigs/concerts with. That's our shared interest - I wouldn't want anyone else to share it with but, similarly, I wouldn't want to see them in other contexts. I do think sometimes women can tend, in both sexual relationships and friendships, to ask everything of one person. (A lot of "I"s there, as Virginia Woolf once wrote about male writing - sorry! Hard to avoid in a personal response!)

As Sean said, if you want me to help, I'll help without question. If you just want to talk without a solution, I'll try to listen politely, but I might drift off or lose interest. If you have female friends, why not use them for that particular role?

 

[subdued_passion]

I think the whole issue with talking to people about your problems is that some people can't distinguish if you're just venting or in need of help. I sometimes like to think out loud so I'll want to talk to someone just to hear the soundness of my argument/ the course of action I've chosen. I'm not looking for input from the other party, I just need them there so I'm not some nut who's standing around talking to herself (I'm sure I'll eventually get there), so, offering me solutions is a sure way to piss me off. Naturally over the years you know who can just sit there and play along and who likes to "help".

As much as it annoys me when someone does that to me, I am the kind of person who immediately starts thinking of solutions the moment I hear the word problem. Fortunately my friends only talk to me about their troubles, if they actually need my advice.

 

[may_I_please]

Some people like to fix things ...some people like to be the supportive listener. It tends to be a male to female continuum, but that's the stereotype,

Personally I'm a fixer...I can't listen to people bitching / whining or wailing without offering constructive advice. But I'm also quite private and don't tend to spill my issues out to other people either..not unless I can end it with a sarcastic or humorous comment

in general that's why you have girlfriends to do the "and another thing" and hear the "there, there". (Although mine are to get tipsy with and laugh about life and sex and kids)

If you need to tell him, to splurge without a solution offered, just start with the "I don't want you to fix this, I just want to splurge..." So he knows where he stands

 

[Colonel Hogan]

It helps me to remember that I'm helping by not helping.

Does that help?

Not in the heat of a "crisis."

Now what is really pathological is that with close but platonic female friends, I was one of the best sounding boards they could ever have. But with women I was dating or married to, I was a nut case.

And I was acutely aware of the difference in real time.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

I think the whole issue with talking to people about your problems is that some people can't distinguish if you're just venting or in need of help. I sometimes like to think out loud so I'll want to talk to someone just to hear the soundness of my argument/ the course of action I've chosen. I'm not looking for input from the other party, I just need them there so I'm not some nut who's standing around talking to herself (I'm sure I'll eventually get there), so, offering me solutions is a sure way to piss me off. Naturally over the years you know who can just sit there and play along and who likes to "help".

As much as it annoys me when someone does that to me, I am the kind of person who immediately starts thinking of solutions the moment I hear the word problem. Fortunately my friends only talk to me about their troubles, if they actually need my advice.

^^^^^ A nugget of genius in the above.